To think that it’s impossible to start again at 50?

[IceCreamSummer20]

I’m looking for tales of inspiration as I feel very down in the dumps.

I’m in another country, in a failed 10 year relationship with a man who I thought was finally the love of my life. I really did everything to make it work. I’m going to move back to UK but delayed because of covid19. We have a child, with severe SN age 9 and I have an older DS who is off to University. I had a good career however I had to move twice. My kids had higher needs and I was in more remote areas, so just never got back on track career wise. I’m now a SAHM.

Ex is already off with younger women, bit of a cliche as he’s their boss. Annoyingly he is still really physically fit, earns loads, great job, handsome and seems to be looking forward to his future as a single man and won’t be that involved in DS with SN.

In contrast I feel like my future life is bleak. I love DS but he’s extremely challenging, exhausts most of my energy, and in reality will live with me all his life. How do I find love again? All the men seem to want women 40 or younger. Tried to date already, put my best self on, it was either young men wanting to score an older woman, or men approaching 70 wanting a nurse! I’ve tried looking again at restarting my career, had some interviews in UK, all eventually turned me down for ‘not being current enough’.

Please help! I need to know it’s not over!

Join some support groups for your child's needs. Get yourself active and involved in something, anything. Don't agonise over finding a relationship. Find friends and fun. The rest may come, or if not you will be happier, more fulfilled, and have support and contacts to help with your child. Make sure your child's father is pulling his weight financially if he is unable to provide any practical help.

As regards online dating, set your criteria to reflect the age you're interested in to weed out people you don't want. Paid services like Match are much better with less pervs and timewasters IME. There are defo nice guys out there and you only need the one.

Go for joint custody. You are both responsible for your child

You haven’t a clue, have you? The child already lives with the OP. The courts won’t tolerate her saying she only wants him part time (even if perhaps they should). Men get to walk away (mainly men, some women do it too). If she can no longer look after him, you would hope the ex would step up but it’s a risky game and could end up with the child in care.

Hope you bleed your ex dry. He sounds awful.

It's possibly the fact that you are having to rebuild your life and your career for you and your son and move country and there you are thinking about the next relationship that's got you into this bother.

You need to put that to one side. Concentrate on making your own way. You don't need a bloke complicating issues right now or the complications of trying to date.

You will get through this and you need to heal. 50 is no age and you will find love again. I know I found it again at 55. Good luck.

I found love at 51, he’s a year older than me and doesn’t need nursing! I’d been single for over 5 years and was happy and not looking for anyone, in fact quite the opposite. I’d say sort out your life first, don’t let your happiness depend on finding a partner - but don’t give up hope, there are good men out there!

Well I divorced at 49 and got made redundant at 50. I also have disabled dc.

I would say it’s relatively easy to find a man (I had lots of interest online and some short relationships) but finding a new job was harder as in my profession at 50 you are well past it.

If I were you I would concentrate on the job first as you will be even less up-to-date the longer you are out of work.

To those saying go for joint custody and make the ex pay for childcare, it simply isn't that simple. Maybe it should be but it isn't.

@IceCreamSummer20

Exactly what kind of man do you think would take you on at your age with all your problems, Bit harsh!

I think that is one of the meanest things I've ever read.

OP
I certainly wouldn't want to date someone whose life had crumbled, and their first concern was dating. Sounds like you need an emotional crutch.

I agree that you need to be happy with yourself, and you are worried about the wrong things.

Of course you can start again at 50. With whatever ingredients you choose to have in your life.

I’m a firm believer in fate, and there’s no reason to think your life won’t come good again, just probably not in the way you expect - but still in a positive way. I doubt I would be seeking a new relationship though, get the other stuff sorted out first, and you’ve no idea who you may meet along the way 😃

Do you have a degree?
I retrained as a secondaryteacher aged 52. After my PGCE I decided not to apply for full time jobs but instead do daily supply full time to see schools 'under the bonnet' was incredibly good experience and when you are in a school they will offer you full time work as they have seen you on action and fantastic for practising behaviour management techniques and seeing good and bad teachers and schools/leadership etc . I was offered a few jobs but finally found the right one in a fantastic independent school. I doubt I would have got the job through a normal application but being on the spot they could see what they were getting and vice versa!
Now very happy there after 6 years /love the job.
Even if teaching is not for you, I recommend doing any job for the experience and making the most of it (I found previous jobs that way too -before retraining I was in high salary job that I joined as a temp years ago, clerical in an HR dept.)
There is a thread on here too about CVs and how to present yourself. There is lots of free training on technical stuff eg Microsoft applications too.
Please think job first -a man may or may not follow but will most likely turn up when you are so immersed in your job that you don't notice till he has been around for a while trying to woo you! Good luck!!!!

Are you married ?

Sort out child maintenance
Sort out child contact
Sort out job
Sort out where you are going to live
Sort out separation assets, finances/divorce

New relationship, last on the list in the future

Hi

It might seem bleak right now, but take some time to think about what YOU want for the next 5 to 10 years. What is your dream ....

Then put steps in place to work towards them. It might take some time, but I am sure you will get there.

Good luck and Mumsnet are always around to hold your hand along the way, and to celebrate your successes too.

Your life isn't over OP it's just beginning. You're still young. I know it all seems scary but rushing into another relationship could maybe your like much harder. I think it would be difficult to navigate a new relationship when you're feeling the way you are. You could possibly end up with in a much worse position. You won't be alone forever this is a period of transition to get yourselves to a happy and stable place.

Thanks all! I feel less down in the dumps today, and went for long, long walk in the countryside to clear my head - to try and think more positively. All of your words helped massively. It is hard not to feel worn out, unattractive and bitter. But it won’t help me or DS if I let myself go down that path.

I have a lot of great friends so get much emotional support from them. Although a couple of them divorced some years ago and have never got a new partner. They just found it too hard and really not easy. So I’m a bit worried I will end up making the most of singledom but giving up on love. You are right though, first DS, move, job.

Have sorted out finances with Ex. It’s annoying but everyone think he’s a saint and such a great guy, that he’s a great Dad, that I drove him away and he would have taken him on 50/50 (he tells them all that, but tells me he can’t). But I guess I’ve got to let that go, it’s not a fresh break up but I’m still heartbroken which is maybe because Ex is so obviously happy and in my face.

Me and DS are very close though and he’s a total delight. I’ve got quite a few skills and I can be fun! Kind of when I’m not so bitter!

OP - I feel sure that you be able to begin to heal once there is an ocean between you and your ex.

Wishing you, and your son, the very best for your future.
Rose.

It might seem bleak right now, but take some time to think about what YOU want for the next 5 to 10 years. What is your dream ....

This.

What your post is really about is HOPE.

You're worried you can't hope. For a happy, fulfilled life (once you've sorted the practicalities of home/money/schooling/child under control).

Hope is the most important thing, lovey, and of course, of course you can, should and must hope!

Dream about your dream. Picture your life as you want it. Yes too of course add in the right man. Think about your dream life.

Then ink in all the boxes and make every day a step towards it.

I know too that you're scared of being 50 and more than just your relationship coming to an end - also your fertile life. This is a grief too fir many women, and an irrefutable reminder of our mortality ...

• well, bugger that. It's as you decide to take it. In the same way that 40 is much better if you make the most of it, so is 50, and every age. Look around the internet and search amazing 50+ women. See what and who you still are and always will be. Take away the hormones and what have you got? The best of you, from when you were a child, now with years of experience and a hell of a lot less hormonal aggro to interfere with you being yourself.

Courage, ma brave! 🙂

And I'm quite sure that if he's such a fine and handsome dandy at 50, then you can't be bad yourself, or he wouldn't have married you.

I bet you're an absolute cracker, and just have got a bit down (understandably) and forgotten how cool you are.

Let him have his gilded life. You go off and claim yours, too!

@rosegoldwatcher an ocean between us will be so psychologically good! It’s quite in my face at the moment - this is his territory, he’s well known and liked. I’m ostracised by his family who have been awful to me.
@mellowww that is so true. I do feel the end of my fertile life more than I thought - it’s so weird to think I can never, ever have another child. Whereas Ex has no such fears and openly talking about possible more children. It’s such a stark reminder of our lives, 50 feels so much older than 40. It’s hit me like a ton of bricks. Not on the outside - I’m positive to my family and friends - maybe I need to let out a bit of my rage/fears! Thank you. And thank you for saying I might be a cracker! I need to blinker myself off from other people’s and just go full on with mine. When I pick myself up from the floor feeling so sorry for myself!

Not everyone is the same. Some my be able to begin again at 50, others may not.

You don't need a man to be happy. You may want one when you have settled back in the uk and found yourself again. It is difficult when you have given yourself up to caring for children and a selfish prick for years but now is the time to find yourself again. It probably feels dispiriting at the moment because you need to get more recent experience on your CV. Is there anyway you can get that experience by volunteering anywhere? Try and think outside the box. I know I feel more confident in myself and my abilities now than I did for the numerous years I was with my ex. Confidence comes with feeling valued (for something other than being a mother) and that is probably what you need. When you have that sorted you will probably find that you will feel younger and more alive than you have for years.

OP. Imagine you are 21. Your numpty on off childhood sweetheart has finally dumped you. You cry, feel unattractive. But your life has now begun. You've been released and the worlds your oyster (not quite, you cant be a doctor without a medical degree or win Masterchef without any real talent, you get what I mean. But for effect and HOPE)

End of fertile life? Hooray no more periods and no contraception (maybe some HRT). Bastard ex might bag himself another 21 years of financial and emotional toil.

Stuck on the job front? Join the rest of the world. Careers are like relationships. Some got lucky. Some worked very hard and it failed... or it thrived. You sound like you know where you may want to go (academia) so make a plan to update your experience/skills, go for jobs, you'll get somewhere even if not exactly there.

You seem wonderful, you raised a good DS, I'm behind you. In 10 years time when I'm 50 and come here to wallow in self pity, please tell me it will be ok.

Wish you all the best because you deserve it.

Not at all. My mum and many of her mates (divorces and widowed) met new partners in their 50s. Good time to do it, empty nesters, relationships break down, plenty of relatively solvent, reasonably house trained potential partners out there without the stress of either of you wanting/not wanting more children.

Wow I’m a bit in tears here. That you’ve all even taken the time to respond to me with such inspiring words makes me so grateful. It’s amazing that you are all strangers to me, you don’t who I am, I don’t know who you are, you owe me nothing, get nothing from it, and yet you’ve still taken the time and consideration to post. Makes me incredibly hopeful, many many many thanks

I will come on here again I vow and make a good life for me and DS. I’ll take the advice and go for a good home life for DS and get some sort of a career. I’ve actually been reading and reading research for months now, and come up with some areas that I really think are worthwhile. I want to use my brain again and to contribute in a wider world. Me and DS have a great relationship and even Ex gets tearful and says I’ve saved DS - I gave up hopes of going back to work and just focused on him full-time when I realized that there were no quality health or education services, and he’s now surpassed all expectations. However I feel like I’ve lost myself on the way.

I’m determined to get it back. This week I’m going to contact several academics and just make a start. I’ll see if there is any even voluntary work that I can do from a distance before I move - as at present DS has no school or services so I don’t have any time off. And I’ll probably get rejected but I’ll keep going!