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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this kind or invasive?

59 replies

GettingAntsy · 15/07/2020 21:35

I posted a few weeks ago about being creeped out by my flatmate's clingy, over-emotional behaviour. Long story short: a woman I met through a flat-share website less than a year ago thinks we are best friends forever, and I don't feel the same way.

Today I put a load of laundry on and then went out for a few hours. When I came back, my flatmate had hung up the laundry (which was mostly my underwear) in my bedroom without telling me. I'm sure she meant this as a kind gesture, but I find it quite inappropriate to go into someone's bedroom without asking them, and also to handle their underwear without asking them. Also, she knew I was only going out for a few hours, so it would have been fine to leave the laundry in the machine (and anyway, the state of my laundry is not her problem!). And if she cares about my laundry that much, I would expect her to at least drop me a text saying, Hey, do you want me to hang it up for you?

I don't know if I'm being too sensitive because I've been over-thinking her behaviour towards me. AIBU to find this inappropriate?

OP posts:

NavyBerry · 15/07/2020 21:36

You just don't like her. Look for another flatmate. I wouldn't be bothered by the laundry

lukasiak · 15/07/2020 21:38

Depends if she needed to use the washer. I'd probably hang somebody's clothes up too if I needed to wash mine and they were sitting. To me, underwear is a non starter, so wouldn't have occurred to me that it was an issue. If she did it judt for shits and giggles, that's a bit weird.

Original poster

GettingAntsy · 15/07/2020 21:39

@NavyBerry I am moving out soon, thankfully! It's not so much the laundry per se that's bothering me, it's going into my bedroom without telling me. It's not the first time she's done that.

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Original poster

GettingAntsy · 15/07/2020 21:40

@lukasiak she didn't need to use the washer. And also we have another drying rack in the living room that she could have used instead of going into my room.

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thepeopleversuswork · 15/07/2020 21:41

It is a bit odd... I would find the idea of someone going in my bedroom weirder than the underwear. As the PP said partly depends on where else she had to hang it?

But I would just find it a bit mum-like. I don’t really like friends mothering you, it creeps me out as well.

ThickFast · 15/07/2020 21:41

If she didn’t need to use the washer, then it’s a bit weird.

Babymamamama · 15/07/2020 21:42

Time to get a new flat share? I wouldn't like that. I shared plenty of flats in my time with friends and acquaintances and nobody ever did that.

Alicatz66 · 15/07/2020 21:43

That would piss me off ... if she didn't need to use the washing machine she should just have left your stuff in it

Mylittlepony374 · 15/07/2020 21:43

I would be uncomfortable with it.

Kirstymc159 · 15/07/2020 21:43

I remember your last thread. Does she know your moving out yet?

Alicatz66 · 15/07/2020 21:43

That would piss me off ... if she didn't need to use the washing machine she should just have left your stuff in it

TheMurk · 15/07/2020 21:45

Flat mates and lodgers are my idea of hell.

Get rid.

Do you really need a flat mate? If so maybe just set out some really clear boundaries at the “interview” stage.

wildone84 · 15/07/2020 21:46

I remember your last thread about this woman. I think her boundaries are a bit strange. I wouldn't want someone going into my room or touching my undies either. Glad that you are leaving soon.

Houseworkavoider · 15/07/2020 21:46

It is a bit odd but I would do the same for my friend or sister (they would be grateful).
You feel that she overstepped and already felt suffocated by her.
Has she got bad social skills?
You’re moving out soon so I’d just let it go with a chat about not wanting people in your room.

campion · 15/07/2020 21:48

She was trying to do you a small favour like people do when they live under the same roof. Maybe she wanted to use the machine.
I guess she had no idea you would be freaked out by such a minor thing.

Original poster

GettingAntsy · 15/07/2020 21:48

@Kirstymc159 I've told her I'm "probably" moving out, but I haven't told her that it's pretty much 100% guaranteed, as in I just need to finish the paperwork. She didn't start crying again, thank God, but she's been making a lot of comments about how she's going to make sure we stay friends forever. Like I leant her a book a while ago and just today she said "I'm going to keep that book forever so there's always a connection between us!" And I'm just like...I do want my book back, please.

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Imbloodyannoyed · 15/07/2020 21:49

I remember your ither thread - have you told her yet? Tbh I’d be delighted if someone hung up my washing but I think it’s the accumulation of all the things you mentioned previously

Cassilis · 15/07/2020 21:51

Ach I could never put a load of washing on and leave for hours. But yes, I don’t even like DH doing my laundry so I would have hated this.

ContessaferJones · 15/07/2020 21:51

Have you told her yet?!

FlaskMaster · 15/07/2020 21:53

Firstly, just buy another copy of the book. The washing thing, she thinks you're close friends! She's trying to be helpful and kind, just let it go.

Original poster

GettingAntsy · 15/07/2020 21:55

@Imbloodyannoyed I've told her I'm "probably" moving out but tbh it's pretty much certain. The main issue for me is not the laundry, it's going into my room without asking - she has done that before, hoovering it while I was on holiday. Again, intended as a kind gesture I think, but still makes me uncomfortable.

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Dita73 · 15/07/2020 22:02

I think she was probably just trying to be helpful. Unless you went in and she’s wearing your pants I wouldn’t freak out too much

bruce43mydog · 15/07/2020 22:04

I remember your last post

She might just be trying to be helpful by hanging your washing.

And anyway you won't know her to long if you are moving out so it's not like she will be invading your space or privacy for much longer.

From your last post she seemed to be a person that gets attached to people easily and wants to be friends.

I got the feeling she hasn't got many friends and just wants to feel accepted.

Once you move out she will find another friend and either be accepted or rejected it's probably a pattern of behaviour she has become used to.

Shizzlestix · 15/07/2020 22:08

I’d be a bit freaked by her going in my room when I wasn’t there. I never ever did that in flatshares. Have you asked her not to go in again? She is very single white female, isn’t she?

Original poster

GettingAntsy · 15/07/2020 22:09

@bruce43mydog I agree, her behaviour would make more sense if she struggled to make friends, but the weird thing is, she does actually have plenty of other friends in this city. I honestly don't know why she's latched onto me so much - we don't have that much in common in terms of hobbies/mindset/world view/whatever.

She's making me feel like I've really hurt her emotionally by just choosing not to renew my rental contract :/

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