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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this kind or invasive?

59 replies

GettingAntsy · 15/07/2020 21:35

I posted a few weeks ago about being creeped out by my flatmate's clingy, over-emotional behaviour. Long story short: a woman I met through a flat-share website less than a year ago thinks we are best friends forever, and I don't feel the same way.

Today I put a load of laundry on and then went out for a few hours. When I came back, my flatmate had hung up the laundry (which was mostly my underwear) in my bedroom without telling me. I'm sure she meant this as a kind gesture, but I find it quite inappropriate to go into someone's bedroom without asking them, and also to handle their underwear without asking them. Also, she knew I was only going out for a few hours, so it would have been fine to leave the laundry in the machine (and anyway, the state of my laundry is not her problem!). And if she cares about my laundry that much, I would expect her to at least drop me a text saying, Hey, do you want me to hang it up for you?

I don't know if I'm being too sensitive because I've been over-thinking her behaviour towards me. AIBU to find this inappropriate?

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 15/07/2020 22:12

I had one of these people in my life. According to mn they are 'favour sharks'. Like a loan shark but their currency is favours. They start off with small and actually helpful actions and then slowly, and before you know it, are in your face driving you mad under the guise of being 'thoughtful'.

Rosebel · 15/07/2020 22:18

At least she hung it up. Years ago when my ex was living in a house share he put some washing on and went out. Came home later and the washing machine was empty. Couldn't find the washing anywhere. He finally found it two days later all shoved in a bag and chucked in the hall.
Obviously all had to be washed again. I wouldn't be fussed about laundry being hunt up and I'd certainly let it go if you're moving out soon.

Original poster
GettingAntsy · 15/07/2020 22:21

@OhioOhioOhio OMG. Nightmare. I think she does honestly want to be helpful and kind, but I just feel like she treats me like her spouse/small child, which I find quite weird given that we are both adult women who haven't really known each other very long.

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 15/07/2020 22:24

She probably wanted to use the machine. In her position I would have taken yours out and put in bowl rather than go in your room if your room is the only place you hang laundry; if you have somewhere else to hang it like bathroom, kitchen, hall I'd have hung it there.

I think she meant well, frankly. However you don't like her so make some excuse to ask her to leave.

Did you tell you weren't happy about her going into your room? You must be straightforward about boundaries. Most people lock their rooms when they are sharing. I must admit I wouldn't want a flat mate to go into my bedroom but not be bothered about the laundry because presumably the washing machine is communal. Being out for a 'few hours' meant it was out of action for a few hours if she wanted to use it.

Don't be mean, just be straight and polite but best you found another flat mate.

SheikhaPinty · 15/07/2020 22:25

Never mind the clothes hanging, I’m surprised you’re still flat sharing with this bonkers flat mate after your last account. Pack your things and get out! She doesn’t sound very stable.

MinnieJackson · 15/07/2020 22:25

I remember! How did it go when you said you were leaving?!

jessstan2 · 15/07/2020 22:25

'find' not 'found'

MinnieJackson · 15/07/2020 22:27

Omg just read your update about the book Grin

jessstan2 · 15/07/2020 22:27

I'm glad you are moving out. She does seem OTT but I doubt she means harm. Keep your room locked.

sbhydrogen · 15/07/2020 22:33

I remember your other thread - god she is weird!!! In any ordinary circumstance I can get hanging up your laundry if she wanted to use the machine. Did she? I am glad you're moving out. You need to block her 🤣

Original poster
GettingAntsy · 15/07/2020 22:34

Further information:

  1. she didn't use the machine after me
  2. we have another drying rack in a communal area that she could have used instead of going into my room
OP posts:
sbhydrogen · 15/07/2020 22:34

But yeah, putting it in your room? Odd.

OhioOhioOhio · 15/07/2020 22:36

Op that's how it begins. Mine thought we had a mother daughter relationship. Like fk. My mum would never be hard work like that.

namechangetheworld · 15/07/2020 22:37

It's hardly the crime of the century is it? She obviously considers you friends and thought she was doing you a favour. I feel a bit sorry for her if I'm honest, she sounds a bit lacking socially.

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/07/2020 22:40

Yes it’s creepy. Why aren’t you definitely moving out?

Itsjustabitofbanter · 15/07/2020 22:44

She tried to do you a favour op. Have you told her you don’t like her going into your room? Tbh I’d be more annoyed if a roommate had hung up my underwear in a communal area for everyone to see, rather than my room

hadtojoin · 15/07/2020 22:45

I do understand how you feel about her going into your room while you aren't there or without asking.
Playing devils advocate though, did she think that you would prefer your undies to not be on display in the living room and would rather have them in the privacy of your room. Maybe because (in her mind) you are such close BFF she assumed that you wouldn't mind.

Busymum45 · 15/07/2020 22:50

Has she watched Single White Female?!

Coronabegone · 15/07/2020 22:53

Creepy but I think meant kindly?

Gawdzilla · 15/07/2020 23:04

Bollocks to the ‘being kind’. Its a huge overstep. I have stayed in house shares and rule no. 1 is you don’t go into anyone else's room unless requested. At best, she could have unloaded the washer into a basket but any more is an invasion of your privacy. Of course if you called her out on it there would be tears and ‘only trying to help...’. Glad you are moving out. This has given me flashbacks of my favour do-er who thought inviting me to join her on a trip to Asda qualified her for a 6am lift to the airport in mid winter. That woman gave me the rage!

Original poster
GettingAntsy · 15/07/2020 23:09

@Itsjustabitofbanter @hadtojoin This is a good point about not wanting undies to be in the communal areas. But I just wish she'd left them alone!

OP posts:
Misslees · 15/07/2020 23:16

If you are giving the impression you are friends, I don't think it's weird. When I had flatmates, it wouldn't have bothered me if someone did this. Not in the slightest. I would probably say thanks! It's a friend hanging up your washing... Perhaps she also thought it would look inconsiderate to be at home leaving it to go smelly when she could just hang it up?

OhioOhioOhio · 15/07/2020 23:26

Gawdzilla You've exactly nailed it. Favour do er. Puh.

biglouis · 15/07/2020 23:28

|If you are moving out then that can be a natural end to the non-friendship so I would let it go. You dont have to give her your new contact details. Or if for any reason you have to (redirected mail etc) its pretty easy to gradually ease out of seeing someone once you no longer live with them.

I once had a person to whom I did not want to give my new address so another friend agreed to be a "forwarding address" for a while. When the person was calling she said Oh Im sorry but shes gone to (another city) and Ive lost contact with her. End of unwanted friendship.

Bear65 · 15/07/2020 23:31

It sounds like there a massive backstory thread, but from this thread whilst she sounds intense , have you maybe led her on? You've let her believe you are friends so she done a few housework favours. Running a vacuum around a house and hanging up some washing is hardly crime of the century. And as an aside, if you are flat sharing sharing don't be that person who leaves their washing in the machine. Its annoying. As is drying your pants in a communal area