Brothers being treated so differently financially

[perkybutfull]

So AIBU? I’ve been over thinking this for too long. My husband and brother in law (his brother) are close in age. Not the best of friends as in they don’t socialise with each other outside of family events but never any falling out. He and his fiancé call in about once a month to see our children and catch up with us. Their maternal grandmother has always treated them totally differently. Maybe as brother in law is slightly older (18 months) if it isn’t this then I have no idea. We got married 4 years ago, bought a house quite quickly and then have had two children since. They are expecting a baby this year, bought a house a few months ago and are getting married next year. Grandmother (just making conversation) told my husband last week that she had to go to the bank as she was giving them £1000 as a wedding gift and that she’s said she’d give them the same for some new furniture in their house. He then said ‘gosh lucky John, why didn’t we get that’ she said she’d given us £500. I checked later (as I’d written it all down for thank you notes) and she have us £100. Also she didn’t give us anything for moving house. I’ve also been told by brother in law in the past that their Christmas money from the grandmother pays for their holiday. Sister in law said she thinks it’s £800 between them. We get £100 and out kids get a small gift. There have been a few issues like this over the years, before either partners were on the scene My husband was upset by this but doesn’t see how he can push it without looking bad. After all she is entitled to do what she wants with her money. For context our household incomes and circumstances are very similar. It’s upset me seeing my husband so upset. How can we get over this?

He has two options really - say something or say nothing.

If he says something then it will more than likely be twisted around so that he is the bad guy, so that he's greedy/selfish/money obsessed, because that's how it works with people who play favourites. It's likely to make his relationship with his grandmother awkward for at least the short term, if it doesn't end it altogether.

If he says nothing then things will carry on as they are and he will need to keep a lid on how hurtful it is while trying to find a way to come to terms with his grandmother favouring his siblings over him.

There isn't an easy answer, it all boils down to how much it affects him and whether he's prepared to potentially not have a further relationship with her if it comes down to that. If the financial differences are symptomatic of an overall unhealthy relationship then I'd say to cut his losses and say something, if she is otherwise a good grandparent and the relationship brings value to him then keep quiet.

Would it make a life changing difference to your life? If not, I wouldn’t bother. I have a friend who’s relationship was destroyed with her sister because of what would probably add up to a similar amount of cash as yours overall. It’s the risk you would take.

" He then said ‘gosh lucky John, why didn’t we get that"

Surely he didn’t say that out loud to grandma?! Or did he?

was it always like that or a one-off?
Could it be that grandmother didn't have much spare cash for your wedding, but she has now?

Does his brother have a closer relationship with the gran eg visit her more, help her out with things in the house, take her to appointments etc?

Could one of his parents intervene and ask them why the difference so it's not so confrontational?

What are their relationships with her like? Does BIL just spend more time with her/get on with her better/is more likeable for some other reason?

She has a favourite doesn’t she. It’s up to him to speak up, or not. Can’t be good either way.

Maybe they give her more attention, make more efforts to see her, make sure she's ok etc...

Maybe you are better off financially and she considers you don't need the money do much.

In the end, her money to do what she wants with.

Can he speak to the parent whose mum it is?

Even when your kids are older you would be upset that one is treated better than the other.

It is upsetting and I'd feel bad for your DH. My own dad tried this with my two kids but I called him out on favouritism everytime and he treats them both pretty similarly now. I'd rather he gave to neither of them than just one

I think it's a bit different when it's a grandparent rather than a parent. If it was parents favouring one child, I would be complaining. But with grandparents I think it's a bit presumptuous to assume you would get anything.

My dad's mum had her favorites. Needless to say, it was not me. But she was a bitter old woman who fought constantly with my mum so I just kind of shrugged it off.

Maybe she can just choose to spend her money how she likes. If he really said this

He then said ‘gosh lucky John, why didn’t we get that’ she said she’d given us £500.

Then he is rude, ungrateful and entitled.

Maybe her circumstances/pension have changed. Maybe she just likes the other brother better. Which is up to her.

They're adults. They don't need to be treated the same for 'fairness'.

Is there a parent who could discuss on your behalf? I think it is quite hurtful.

It's so tricky But id probably say nothing. What's DHs relationship like with his parents? Do they know how differently the brothers are being treated?
It's awful to think great grandma may play favourites once the new baby comes along too x

Sounds like he makes more of effort with his grandmother. I can't believe he said that to her.

His DM should hold the answers - was BIL the son DGM never had, did DGM favour sons over DM, did DGM have a favourite brother who died in the war and BIL reminds her of him etc there will be something.

My grandmother used to do this too. Not so much with money, but with the way she treated us in terms of treats etc. Funnily enough, she was surprised when the non-favourites (and most of the favourites) didn't visit her much as teens and adults.

ILs do this too. The girls were always treated, and as adults are still treated, more favourably than the boys in terms of presents, treats, help etc. My dc1 is a boy, dc2 is a girl. ILs started the same disparity her first christmas. I told dh if he didn't sort it out, I would. He sorted it out and they now treat my kids the same.

It's not about the money or the value of presents. It's about the favouritism and how that makes the un-favoured feel. Personally, I wouldn't have much to do with her as she is making it obvious who she prefers.

He then said ‘gosh lucky John, why didn’t we get that’ she said she’d given us £500. I checked later (as I’d written it all down for thank you notes) and she have us £100.

Classy.

He already looks bad for making passive agressive comments to GM. She can give her money to who she likes, it might not seem fair but there isn't a lot he can do about it.

Is his brother conscious of the difference? I would have thought he would be embarrassed by it.

It is not a nice position to be in, but I don't think your DH can address this with his GM.

How does his brother feel about it? If it makes him feel uncomfortable, could you all agree that any gifts from GM are to be split equally? That would mean that if gifts are staggered throughout the year, you would also have to split your gifts. E.g. if DH received £20 on his birthday, he would have to give £10 to his brother.

I remember that for my 18th my NC GM sent me a cheque. For the next three years, I agreed I would give my sister half if she didn't get one (she never asked and my DM would never have expected me to). As it so happens, she did get a cheque, but I would not have felt comfortable if I had been given the money and she had not.

This is grabby op. His grandmother can indeed do as she wishes and as an adult he should long be past the stage of putting his hand out or sibling jealousy.

I’m sorry, I don’t know how he can get over it but for me I’d find it deeply unattractive in a grown man to be upset because his granny was giving his brother more money than him . So you’re upset because he’s upset, where as quite frankly I’d be a bit repulsed if I’m honest.

You need to speak to him and tell him to grow up, he’s responsible for his own financials and the days of being kids and putting your hand out and expecting to be given equal from granny are long gone.

Maybe the old bat is just boasting about how much she gives BIL, and really its only £100.

@2bazookas

Maybe the old bat is just boasting about how much she gives BIL, and really its only £100.

Fantastic suggestion. To answer a few points. We go over about twice a month and the brother about once. I ring and text occasionally and I know sil doesn't. They are very comfortable financially so I don't think their circumstances have changed at all. The grandma has also recently offered to have the baby when sil goes back to work so it isn't just a 'money' thing. All examples I've given have been to so with cash but to my husband it's so much more than that. Yes we can do without the money. Yes it is up to her what she does with her money but it isn't nice feeling second best. However I think it would be worse being the bil. I'd be so embarrassed.