Brothers being treated so differently financially

[perkybutfull]

So AIBU? I’ve been over thinking this for too long. My husband and brother in law (his brother) are close in age. Not the best of friends as in they don’t socialise with each other outside of family events but never any falling out. He and his fiancé call in about once a month to see our children and catch up with us. Their maternal grandmother has always treated them totally differently. Maybe as brother in law is slightly older (18 months) if it isn’t this then I have no idea. We got married 4 years ago, bought a house quite quickly and then have had two children since. They are expecting a baby this year, bought a house a few months ago and are getting married next year. Grandmother (just making conversation) told my husband last week that she had to go to the bank as she was giving them £1000 as a wedding gift and that she’s said she’d give them the same for some new furniture in their house. He then said ‘gosh lucky John, why didn’t we get that’ she said she’d given us £500. I checked later (as I’d written it all down for thank you notes) and she have us £100. Also she didn’t give us anything for moving house. I’ve also been told by brother in law in the past that their Christmas money from the grandmother pays for their holiday. Sister in law said she thinks it’s £800 between them. We get £100 and out kids get a small gift. There have been a few issues like this over the years, before either partners were on the scene My husband was upset by this but doesn’t see how he can push it without looking bad. After all she is entitled to do what she wants with her money. For context our household incomes and circumstances are very similar. It’s upset me seeing my husband so upset. How can we get over this?

I can certainly see why someone would feel upset by it, but I’d hope they’d be mature and reflective enough to realise that I had the right to do what I wanted with my assets and that I didn’t make decisions on a whim or to deliberately hurt someone.

I didn’t make decisions on a whim or to deliberately hurt someone.
DF left more to one then shared the rest with DGC - so it didn't give much each as spread further. always preferred boys to girls so sis and I got nothing. Nice memory to leave and causes bad feelings in the family / bad legacy.
Of course the fortunate one could always give half to the less fortunate - I would def do that. I like my siblings. But on mn it's best to be a selfish person.

You can be upset but not much more really. It’s her money. She can give it who ever she wants. It feels unfair and the grandmother lacks emotional intelligence not to know that it would impact you husband. But it’s best to say nothing and carry on.

@sammylady37

I can't ever imagine doing this to my dc unless of course the youngest is still a minor. Mine are all adult home owners with similar incomes. They will be getting an equal share of my estate. Yes they are grown up but I still spend exactly the same amount on them at Christmas.

I genuinely don’t get why people get concerned over this and it seems a rather sad way to do things, to me. I mean, the way I approach Christmas gifts is that I have an upper limit, and I buy within that - some will get a gift costing the upper limit, others will get something costing upper limit minus 20, others upper limit minus 50 maybe. But they’ll all get gifts of things that are great gifts for them individually. I really couldn’t be bothered getting ‘top up’ presents of varying costs, of things they may neither want nor need, just to even up the overall spend. Talk about mindless consumerism! And I really cannot fathom adults who would feel aggrieved at their parents having spent more on a gift for their sibling than them. It’s so childish and spoiled.

Where does this attitude stop? I spent 5 years in uni, my sister spent 3. Should my parents have given her the same amount of money they spent financing my extra two years? My siblings married, I didn’t. Should I get the same monetary gift from my parents as they gave each of them on their marriage? My brother played a sport that involved expenditure on kit and equipment, as well as travel to training and competitions. Should the rest of us have demanded the same amount of money be spent on us, even though we weren’t doing any such activity? I was (and still am) a bookworm- should I have been bought 100s of books, with an equivalent expenditure to my brother’s hobby?

I guess the parents who do that are also the ones who give each child presents on their siblings’ birthdays, in case they feel hurt and left out, instead of teaching them that this is their sibling’s special day and they’ll have theirs in turn.

I really do think that if children are brought up with this insistence on fairness and equal expenditure, they turn into adults who get a sharp shock when they realise the real world isn’t fair, and also ones who feel entitled to other people’s money, as we have seen in the op. The op is about a man who actually asked his grandmother why she didn’t give him the same as she gave his sibling. He should be thoroughly ashamed of himself, IMO.

While I agree with you regarding exact parity for spending being an unreasonable expectation, that is not the situation with the op.

I assume you don't always give the same person the highest value gift? PIL give dh and me €20 worth of wine every christmas (I know it's €20 as they give dh the money to buy it), unless we're in the bad books and then we get nothing. They give presents worth at least €150 to both of his sisters. Every time. It's the repeated disparity and blatant favouritism that stings. The money is just a symptom.

My parents are much more into parity of treatment. That doesn't mean everyone gets exactly the same but it does mean nobody feels one is favoured generally. They gave each of us help towards a deposit for a house. The amounts were vastly different. Db got more than double the amount I got. They kept going on about how he had less money and that houses were so much dearer when he bought. I had no issue with it all but they felt bad about giving him so much more until I pointed out they gave us an equal percentage of the cost of the very similar houses.

I don't get the attitude that an adult should just be mature enough to accept this unfairness without it affecting them. This isn't the unfairness of a cold, indifferent world that we all have to accept. Ie one sibling might earn far more than the other in their career, one might suffer a life-changing injury while the other enjoys full health, etc.

It's about close family - the people supposed to love you unconditionally - actively choosing to treat siblings differently for no discernible reason based on the op's comments. I don't mean minor discrepancies in the value of Xmas gifts or more/less expensive hobbies, btw, but obvious favouritism.

I think this is awful. And, actually, the kind of thing that could cause damage. I feel better able to accept the ups and downs of life because I had loving parents who treated me and my siblings fairly (not always the same). Would I if I'd felt second best? Like maybe I was inherently less lovable?

@perkybutfull I don’t mean this to sound goady or cocky, but why on earth is their grandmother giving married/soon to be married adults, money?! Is she wealthy?

Just seems so odd to me. If they were single or young couples with a new baby/first home etc I could understand. I guess I just see it as once you’re independent, gifts are small tokens.
Different strokes, perhaps!?

[quote Alwaysinpain]@perkybutfull I don’t mean this to sound goady or cocky, but why on earth is their grandmother giving married/soon to be married adults, money?! Is she wealthy?

Just seems so odd to me. If they were single or young couples with a new baby/first home etc I could understand. I guess I just see it as once you’re independent, gifts are small tokens.
Different strokes, perhaps!?[/quote]
Well they were young, starting out and had babies on the way. The birthday/Christmas money is instead of a gift as she says she doesn't know what to buy for people. We buy them gifts. They are very comfortable and don't travel anymore so have plenty of disposable income.

And I really cannot fathom adults who would feel aggrieved at their parents having spent more on a gift for their sibling than them. It’s so childish and spoiled
Your imagination is running wild with this statement.

Maybe parents of children of any age wanting to be thoughtful, fair and giving in an evenly manner do so because they love and care for all their dc equally and don't have favourites.

And I really cannot fathom adults who would feel aggrieved at their parents having spent more on a gift for their sibling than them.

My dad always gives my sister and I a cash gift of about £300 each at Christmas from both of them.

My mum always buys individual gifts to unwrap on the day from both of them. Completely random items, mostly from charity shops (which is not to say they don't include nice things). She puts no thought whatsoever into how much she's got anybody.

One year, she bought and wrapped nine separate things for my sister and one item for me. We sat under the tree sharing out gifts, only to find my sister's name on them again and again. Everyone realised except my mum, who took one out of my hand as I was turning it over and handed it to my sister (who saw I was upset and passed me one she'd already opened saying she must have done it by mistake). My dad saw I was upset and magicked up some cash he had in the house saying it was for me to pick a satnav I liked.

(Putting to one side - my mum has complex MH issues and relationships, and I am actually her favourite child. She's pretty messed up.)

I don't care that I was a 27 year old adult. It was a hurtful and thoughtless way to behave. All she had to do, taking it upon herself, was to pick up a roughly equitable number of items. Christmas isn't a fucking surprise, it's the same day every year, and she had two degrees. She can count up to ten.

Honestly, having been in similar position, I think you need to let it go because it can eat you up. I understand it's not about the money it's about the principle but at some point you have to withdraw yourself from it emotionally because there is no way of bringing it up without sounding bitter, grabby and risking relationships.

Let DBIL do the running around after her and whatever she wants and just withdraw yourself from any obligations. You can all have a jolly old time at family gatherings, but you know to put your emotional energies elsewhere.

I feel for you.
DM favoured DS throughout her life. Giving DS £10Ks for her expensive lifestyle. Looking after her children etc.
Surprisingly my DC didn't want to go visiting.
Still hurts, 10 years after her death.
DS has now probably spent all the cash, sold all the jewellery and is now back to basics.
Then couldn't be bothered to turn up to the funeral.
I haven't spoken to DS for 10 years.