Brothers being treated so differently financially

[perkybutfull]

So AIBU? I’ve been over thinking this for too long. My husband and brother in law (his brother) are close in age. Not the best of friends as in they don’t socialise with each other outside of family events but never any falling out. He and his fiancé call in about once a month to see our children and catch up with us. Their maternal grandmother has always treated them totally differently. Maybe as brother in law is slightly older (18 months) if it isn’t this then I have no idea. We got married 4 years ago, bought a house quite quickly and then have had two children since. They are expecting a baby this year, bought a house a few months ago and are getting married next year. Grandmother (just making conversation) told my husband last week that she had to go to the bank as she was giving them £1000 as a wedding gift and that she’s said she’d give them the same for some new furniture in their house. He then said ‘gosh lucky John, why didn’t we get that’ she said she’d given us £500. I checked later (as I’d written it all down for thank you notes) and she have us £100. Also she didn’t give us anything for moving house. I’ve also been told by brother in law in the past that their Christmas money from the grandmother pays for their holiday. Sister in law said she thinks it’s £800 between them. We get £100 and out kids get a small gift. There have been a few issues like this over the years, before either partners were on the scene My husband was upset by this but doesn’t see how he can push it without looking bad. After all she is entitled to do what she wants with her money. For context our household incomes and circumstances are very similar. It’s upset me seeing my husband so upset. How can we get over this?

@HoppingPavlova

He then said ‘gosh lucky John, why didn’t we get that’ she said she’d given us £500. I checked later (as I’d written it all down for thank you notes) and she have us £100.

Classy.

Don't other people do this? We didn't want to thank aunt sally for the clock when she gave us a voucher. Also we sent flowers to anyone who gave us a large sum of money or who helped so I thought it best to keep track.

@OchonAgusOchonO

My grandmother used to do this too. Not so much with money, but with the way she treated us in terms of treats etc. Funnily enough, she was surprised when the non-favourites (and most of the favourites) didn't visit her much as teens and adults.

ILs do this too. The girls were always treated, and as adults are still treated, more favourably than the boys in terms of presents, treats, help etc. My dc1 is a boy, dc2 is a girl. ILs started the same disparity her first christmas. I told dh if he didn't sort it out, I would. He sorted it out and they now treat my kids the same.

It's not about the money or the value of presents. It's about the favouritism and how that makes the un-favoured feel. Personally, I wouldn't have much to do with her as she is making it obvious who she prefers.

I absolutely agree with you. If my children were treated differently I'd be standing up to it. But of course they are small children

I too made a list of gifts and givers after my wedding OP so that I could get the thank you s correct, it's not weird to do that.

I think it's not uncommon for grandparents to favour a first born GC. My mother used to favour my eldest DD until I pulled her up on it. Sounds like it was never addressed with your DH's GM. If your DH is that hurt about it can he chat to his mum to see if she has any insights on why it happens?

However I think it would be worse being the bil. I'd be so embarrassed

Honestly op I think it is more embarrassing to be your husband, I’d be mortified if my husband was behaving like this. You are saying it’s about more than money but only provide examples where he wants her money and then even says to her lucky him why didn’t I get that, and you go running off to check the actual cash amount you got.

I’d understand it more if you were both skint, it’s not dignified but I think I’d get it, but if you don’t even need it then getting all upset over a few hundred quid your bil got more than you is really unedifying.

@Carandi

I too made a list of gifts and givers after my wedding OP so that I could get the thank you s correct, it's not weird to do that.

I think it's not uncommon for grandparents to favour a first born GC. My mother used to favour my eldest DD until I pulled her up on it. Sounds like it was never addressed with your DH's GM. If your DH is that hurt about it can he chat to his mum to see if she has any insights on why it happens?

Yes I think it should probably have been addressed years ago. I think if it still bothers him that will be the best way forward. Thank you

I get the impression is about more than the money. Tell dh to speak to his mum. Just bring it up and ask if there’s a reason she knows of ? It’s unfair. And wether your an adult or not it still stings. My siblings are the favourites and kills me a little bit more each time something happens to back that up.

@Bluntness100

However I think it would be worse being the bil. I'd be so embarrassed

Honestly op I think it is more embarrassing to be your husband, I’d be mortified if my husband was behaving like this. You are saying it’s about more than money but only provide examples where he wants her money and then even says to her lucky him why didn’t I get that, and you go running off to check the actual cash amount you got.

I’d understand it more if you were both skint, it’s not dignified but I think I’d get it, but if you don’t even need it then getting all upset over a few hundred quid your bil got more than you is really unedifying.

If he was constantly bringing it up or asking for money I agree but all he did was a unguarded comment, he was obviously taken aback at what she was telling him and that she was telling him. She obviously wanted him to know! He then mentioned it to me later. He wasn't being grabby, he was hurt and wanted to know how I saw it. If it was me and my siblings I think I'd also be hurt.

@RedOasis

I get the impression is about more than the money. Tell dh to speak to his mum. Just bring it up and ask if there’s a reason she knows of ? It’s unfair. And wether your an adult or not it still stings. My siblings are the favourites and kills me a little bit more each time something happens to back that up.

I'm sorry to hear this. I'm glad you see it's not the money. That's just how being favourite seems to manifest itself in this family.

1. She can do whatever she wants with her money
2. Life isn’t fair

I can understand why your husband is upset; although it is being manifested in a financial way, there is obviously something behind this, and unfortunately, it is hard when money is involved as discussing it does sound crass.

I would be worried about her treating your children differently to BIL’s. My husband’s parents always treated his sister financially favourably and we happily shrugged it off, but when their blatant favouritism transferred onto the children (both financially & in other ways), it really upset us.

He then said ‘gosh lucky John, why didn’t we get that"

Rude and grabby. I can’t believe he actually said that.

Op you posted saying how very upset he was and how you were upset watching him in this state and asking how you both got over it.

@sammylady37

1. She can do whatever she wants with her money

1. Life isn’t fair

100% true but of course it is totally up to my husband how he feels about family who treat him unfairly.

@Bluntness100

Op you posted saying how very upset he was and how you were upset watching him in this state and asking how you both got over it.

Yes I did. I think it will cloud relations from now on. We can control how we act but not how we feel

@WeveGottaGetTherouxThis

I can understand why your husband is upset; although it is being manifested in a financial way, there is obviously something behind this, and unfortunately, it is hard when money is involved as discussing it does sound crass.

I would be worried about her treating your children differently to BIL’s. My husband’s parents always treated his sister financially favourably and we happily shrugged it off, but when their blatant favouritism transferred onto the children (both financially & in other ways), it really upset us.

This will be if and when i say something I think.

Those saying your DH was out of order obviously have never been on the worse side of blatant favouritism!!

I have, in my case my mum gave DB 10s of £K for a house deposit, I got nothing. She blurted it out to me too, when Ill. 4 yrs after giving it.

I walked out (she was recuperating from a fall in a care home) and went NC for a few months incl xmas. Even then she tried to charge me £5 for using her phone when she was in the home. Words still fail me.

I dropped the NC when she was given a terminal diagnosis with months to live as I wanted to look back with no regrets. But guess which mug took her to hospital - it wasn’t golden boy who doesn’t drive!!

It is about more than money, much more. We had no need for mums money, we have earned every penny we have.

But I felt v much second best and a mug as I was doing all the running around whilst golden boy sat on his a**e.

At the time of mums fall a few weeks earlier, a relative who knew about the money and was sworn to secrecy, told me to “Look after your immediate family above all else”. I didn’t understand the message at the time but it became very clear a few weeks later.

That is what I will say to you Op.

Pull back, don’t visit, don’t ring, spend more time focussing on your own family, control what you can, which is not the grandmother. She will reap what she sows if her golden GC isn’t as attentive as you.

I had to re read your post to see if it was your dc's grandparent you were talking about. Why should the grandmother treat her adult grandchildren the same? Moaning because granny doesn't give siblings the same present when they are old enough to be married is quite undignified. Easiest way for her to sort it is to spend her money on herself

He then said ‘gosh lucky John, why didn’t we get that"

Rude and grabby. I can’t believe he actually said that.

I said worse than that to my mum, I am not grabby or rude but didn’t see why I (and DH) were doing all the running around whilst DB sat on his a**e and got all her money.

We had been No 1 helpers when she had the fall, and it felt like a smack in the face. Literally.

Having been in a similar position, I guess Ops DH was very shocked, I know I was.

100% true but of course it is totally up to my husband how he feels about family who treat him unfairly

Of course. He can stamp his feet and whine and ask why he didn’t get the same, like a petulant child, or he can reflect on the issue, recognise and accept that he has no right to his grandmother’s money and she can do what she likes with it, and generally behave like an adult.

I’m appalled at the suggestion that you ‘pull back’ and not spend time with or help her because of that. It implies that the poster thinks people only do those things for family because they expect financial compensation for doing so, and if it’s not forthcoming they’ll stop. That’s abhorrent to me.

I know that my parents had mirror wills and that one sibling is hugely advantaged in the wills, in comparison to the rest of us. And honestly, I don’t care. I’m not entitled to their money. They can spend it and bequeath it however frivolously or unfairly they want. It never stopped me doing my best for them, nor will it, as I want to do what’s right for them. I’m not doing what I do because I’m hoping to inherit more.

@sammylady37

I know that my parents had mirror wills and that one sibling is hugely advantaged in the wills, in comparison to the rest of us. And honestly, I don’t care. I’m not entitled to their money. They can spend it and bequeath it however frivolously or unfairly they want. It never stopped me doing my best for them, nor will it, as I want to do what’s right for them. I’m not doing what I do because I’m hoping to inherit more.

But do you never wonder why one gets so much more? I think as a parent myself I want to know why and how anyone can be so unfair

I’ve idly wondered of course, but it genuinely doesn’t bother me and I’m not preoccupied with it or resentful about it.

The way I look at it is that my parents raised and educated me. They did that well, by and large, and that was their job to do. Anything else, is an added bonus. I don’t expect to inherit and I don’t feel entitled to do so. I’m not being smug or goady when I say that, it’s just genuinely how I feel.

@sammylady37

Perhaps your parents are horrible people? Favouring a child so blatantly is disgusting.

OP, If it bothers your dh then reduce contact. It’s a horrible way to treat someone.

My auntie has treated me more in the past than my brothers thats totally up to her and they wouldnt even challenge her about it. I'm the one that makes the most effort and sat with her in A and E after her heart attack. You have no control other extended family does and the relationship they have with their family members

Grandma hopes by giving the favoured grandson more money he will pay her more attention than he already does. You and your husband already do lots for her so she has no need to try to get your attention. I don't have an answer, as doing less for her will just make you feel bad.