To think that 28 isn't too young to vow never to have a relationship again?

[moneyheist]

I'm 28, I have a 7 year old daughter who Iives with me 4 nights a week, I have a wide circle of friends, a close relationship with my family, I have a couple of hobbies, I'm in my third year at uni, have a lovely house, a car and am financially stable. I genuinely feel very happy, settled and independent and have been through a lot of shit to get here.

I have been single for the last 4 years and don't want that to change, everyone of my past relationships have been a shit show and have left me really hurt. I genuinely hand on heart do not have any desire to ever be with another person again. I have no urge for sex, I take care of myself if need be.

However, I am sick to death of the comments, "oh you'll meet someone at uni" or "you'll change your mind when the right person comes along" - I won't because I'm not looking for the "right person" so there will be no "right person.

My best friend very clearly feels sorry for me, she says that it must be hard for me being on my own and when I tell her I am happy she laughs and says it won't stay this way forever. She goes on about how lovely it is having a partner and children in the one house as if that is meant to appeal to me, but it honestly doesn't. I much prefer going home, chilling out, being a slob either alone or with my daughter.

Even my daughters dad asks if I'm dating, it's like ffs! Others tell me I'm too young to make such declarations and that I will change my mind.

AIBU to think this isn't the case? I am not too young to decide to live the rest of my life single and that's nothing to be ashamed of?

I really don't see the point in issuing yourself any type of ultimatum, especially at your young age. Just enjoy your life and allow the future to unfold as it will. The most important thing is have you learned from your past relationships? This is the only way you won't repeat the same mistakes if you do decide to enter a new relationship.

You're happy now, which is wonderful, so just keep taking it one day at a time. As for comments from family or friends, I would be telling them the subject of your love life is strictly off limits.

You've absolutely nothing to gain by this. By all means stay single as long as you like but to put such a bitter spin on it and a permanent label is only going to harm you. No one else, just you.

Never say never. A relationship doesn’t work for you now but you don’t know how you’ll feel when your dd grows older and more independent.

It’s great that you’ve acknowledged that previous relationships haven’t been healthy. With this insight and with more life experience behind you, perhaps any possible future relationship you have might be healthier and happier.

I do understand what you mean although I'm mid-thirties and (still) married. I was talking about this the other day because I'm on the fence about whether to end the relationship or not and a friend said to me that it would be easy to meet someone else. I couldn't think of anything worse! There's nothing more annoying than people telling you that you're wrong either plus it tends to have the opposite effect on me as I'd feel even less inclined to date because they'd think they were right all along!

I’m in the same position as you, I've been single for 7 years and intend to stay that way for many reasons. I know you should never say never as ‘mr right’ could turn up tomorrow, but it’s completely your choice to stay single if that’s how you want your life to be. Ignore any comments from friends/family, it may be said with genuine care as the thought of someone being alone forever can be daunting, but for some of us that thought is great. Don’t focus on it, if it happens it happens and you may be in a different frame of mind then. If not, you’re already prepared.

I agree it’s very annoying that they’re making these comments. Everyone seems to want everyone else to settle down and have a partner and kids.

The fact is that you don’t know whether you will change your mind - stranger things have happened and you might find yourself wanting a relationship when DD leaves home; or you might randomly meet someone and be swept off your feet.

But the point is that you’re not looking for anyone right now and are happy as you are, so it’s irritating that nobody seems to believe you! Just know you’re not alone - it happens to pretty much everyone who is single or doesn’t have kids!

You could live for another 60+ years..you might not want a relationship right now which is absolutely fine, but 10, 20, 30 years down the line? You don't know, your feelings might have changed. Or you still might be happy single which is fine too.

I think making a "vow" like this at any age is a bit silly TBH.

We change and grow through life, what we seem certain of at one point in life can change 180 degrees years or decades later.

OP you will probably live for another 60 years.

I am glad you are enjoying singledome, and right now that is great for you. With time and experience you may come to see that not every relationship is a "shit show" that leaves people hurt.
One day that may happen to you- or it may not. But to decide that for your future self is a little short sighted.

Your future self may have different ideas.

It frustrates me that most people think you need a partner to be happy. I'm mid divorce and friends are already trying to set me up with a 'new man' I just want to spend some time on my own ffs 🤦🏼‍♀️ I'm not going to say never, but right now a man is the last thing on my mind. I'm with you OP

You’ve been single since you were 24. So what at lost you’ve spent 6 years in adult relationships. That does make me think you’re being very rash with such a declaration tbh.

I’m gonna go againts the grain here and say that i see nothing wrong with you vow.

I’ve always knew, even as a little kid that relationships weren’t for me.
So, now in my 30’s never dated, never even tried.

And yes, there have been comments.
Most people just have vere, very rigid rules how life is suppost to be like.
And of course think that everyone wnts the same thing.

Best way to cope really is just not to take it personally.
Just realise they are being very smal-minded.
Don’t let them have the headspace.
If you don’t let it matter, then it won’t matter.

All the best to you!!

Yanbu to feel annoyed by all the comments your friends and family are making but I agree with everyone else on this thread who says that you never know what you might want in the future.

From childhood right up until the age of 25 I vowed that I was never, ever going to get married, seems pointless, not for me, even if I met someone just no, no, no. But then at 25 I met someone very special and he honestly changed my entire outlook and we are very happy and planning to marry next year. At 24 all of this would have seemed absolutely unthinkable to me and yet here I am, a 30 year old woman excited for her wedding dress to arrive!

I know you're talking about relationships not marriage but this is an example from my own personal experience of how things sometimes change.

Forgot to add all the best and I'm happy you're loving the single life

I think it's fine if you want to be single or to not be actively out to meet someone, I know people (at least 4) in various different age brackets who are likely to be on their own for the rest of their life, they are lovely people and would make tremendous partners but it's unlikely and they are quite content with their life just as it is.

but I think any age is too young to make forever declarations like that.

I can understand someone saying il never marry again or wouldn't want to live with someone again.
Iv already decided if my partner dies or we split I would never do either of the above again. I probably wouldn't actually have another relationship again but I don't think I can know that for definite.as you can't predict if you will feel a something for someone.

but to declare You will never have a romantic connection to another person for the rest of your life is different. It's closing yourself off to the possibilities life could offer and I would say it about any major final life declaration that closes off yourself from life possibilities.

No one knows the future, no one can definitely know what or who you'll come across and how you will feel towards them or it but you can be realistic while not defiantly closing yourself of.

You are quite within your rights to have certain minimum expectations though.

And just to add.
Look at the comments here.
All saying you never know...
You might change your mind... etc.
Just shows how relationship is ”how it’s supposed to be”.

Sorry I meant to add!

It's nothing to do with anyone else though! Their opinions are unwarranted and they should keep them to themselves unless they are reacting to you saying that obviously.

I don't ask these single people Iv mentioned (Iv thought of 5 now!) these sort of questions because it's none of my business.
If we are having a conversation that gets around to relationships we will talk about it but I wouldn't randomly ask them!

It's like invasively asking when people are going to have children, it's no one else's business!

Just shows how relationship is ”how it’s supposed to be”.

Literally not one pp has said this. Projecting much? Based on your first contribution, the answer is clearly yes.

Then don’t look for a relationship and don’t date but when love finds you - so to speak - you might change your mind.

Why bother making a 'vow,' just go with the flow.

”Literally not one pp has said this. Projecting much? Based on your first contribution, the answer is clearly yes.”

Disagree complitly.
No projection here.
Read the thread again.
No idea what your problem is.

Just ignore them OP. You carry on as you are and I hope you continue to feel so content with your life; that’s is something not everyone achieves and should be cherished!

@WellThisWentWell

And just to add. Look at the comments here. All saying you never know... You might change your mind... etc. Just shows how relationship is ”how it’s supposed to be”.

I don't necessarily think a relationship is how it's meant to be.

Loads of people put up with total shit because they think they should be in a relationship but I think you can be just as fulfilled alone.
Alone is far superior to a crappy relationship!

I do think though that life is long and it is foolish to not at least be open to the potential that it could pleasantly surprise you and go with it if it does.

I think you are overthinking this.

I met my lovely second husband as a Mum of 3 and I was over 30. I wasn't looking either.

Just enjoy your life and be open to what happens.

Well, obviously you might change your mind, just like all the people vowing at weddings to stay together for life might change their minds.
It's rude for people to comment imo because of the implication of "how can you really be happy?"
If it were me I'd avoid telling people I'd made such a vow, partly because it will probably make people more likely to try to set you up, and partly because if you ever do change your mind, it sounds like they'll gloat "oh I knew you couldn't stay single forever!!"

I don't see a problem with someone deciding they'd rather be single, at any age.

But I think it's better to just live your life in the way you want without thinking about relationships, either yea or nay. More of a 'que sera, sera' attitude. If you stay single, fine, you'll be perfectly happy. But if it falls in your lap without actively seeking it, that's fine too.

When I was younger than you, after a horrible marriage and a bad relationship to follow, I decided to just remain single, live life to the fullest, and let the chips fall where they may. I certainly didn't go out looking for someone! But then DH came into my life a few years later when God or the Fates or the Atmospheric Continuum decided the time was right. 30+ years and 2 children later I'm glad I didn't completely shut myself off.