To think that 28 isn't too young to vow never to have a relationship again?

[moneyheist]

I'm 28, I have a 7 year old daughter who Iives with me 4 nights a week, I have a wide circle of friends, a close relationship with my family, I have a couple of hobbies, I'm in my third year at uni, have a lovely house, a car and am financially stable. I genuinely feel very happy, settled and independent and have been through a lot of shit to get here.

I have been single for the last 4 years and don't want that to change, everyone of my past relationships have been a shit show and have left me really hurt. I genuinely hand on heart do not have any desire to ever be with another person again. I have no urge for sex, I take care of myself if need be.

However, I am sick to death of the comments, "oh you'll meet someone at uni" or "you'll change your mind when the right person comes along" - I won't because I'm not looking for the "right person" so there will be no "right person.

My best friend very clearly feels sorry for me, she says that it must be hard for me being on my own and when I tell her I am happy she laughs and says it won't stay this way forever. She goes on about how lovely it is having a partner and children in the one house as if that is meant to appeal to me, but it honestly doesn't. I much prefer going home, chilling out, being a slob either alone or with my daughter.

Even my daughters dad asks if I'm dating, it's like ffs! Others tell me I'm too young to make such declarations and that I will change my mind.

AIBU to think this isn't the case? I am not too young to decide to live the rest of my life single and that's nothing to be ashamed of?

@SuperMumTum. Absolutely it is a valid way to live and no one should tell the op that she’s doing the wrong thing at the moment.

It’s just that deciding to live the rest of your life alone in your twenties can mean that you mentally shut down possible alternative ways of living and loving.

There are more options in life than either being single or 2.4 children, dog, cat, joint mortgage, domestic drudgery and perfunctory sex once a week.

But surely getting married in your 20s also shuts you off to other ways of living? I don't hear posters telling people that its immature or ridiculous to make that vow?

I felt the way you did also. If you'd asked me 5 minutes before I met my now husband I would have given you the same answer. Even after I met him I had a its good for now attitude but there were no expectations really until it got to a point that it was make or break, we were either in or out because the possibility of him meeting my daughter was brought up.

We decided we were in and we've been together 6 years, married two and i have a second DD.

I wouldn't change my life for anything now but I miss the days of being alone sometimes. I liked it. I like my own company and I certainly didn't feel like my life was lacking.

If people feel sorry for you meh, I feel a bit sorry for them to a degree because they think their life value is in direct relation to someone else. It should never be imho, they should be a bonus.

I was 26 (just) when I met my husband. So I definitely don't think you are too young to have an attitude of I'm happy on my own, happy to be on my own. If the right person comes along you'll be happy to invite that person in when the time comes. If they don't 🤷‍♀️

But...that isn't "vowing" not to have a relationship again is it? What you have vowed to do is never to actively pursue a relationship. Totally different.

But anyway, YANBU. And for the record, it wouldn't be U if you did vow to never have a relationship again, even if the 'perfect match' sauntered into your life one day, that would also be perfectly reasonably. Relationships aren't necessarily for everyone I don't think. Lots of women are happy with FWB type arrangements or asexual relationships or no romantic relationship at all. All are fine .

Vow is maybe the wrong word - if you vow never to have a relationship again, as per the title, you're making a promise to yourself never to have a relationship again, but you've explained in your post that if one came along you'd be open to it. If you're happy single good for you. I don't like this: My best friend very clearly feels sorry for me, she says that it must be hard for me being on my own and when I tell her I am happy she laughs and says it won't stay this way forever. It isn't very nice!

You've absolutely nothing to gain by this. By all means stay single as long as you like but to put such a bitter spin on it and a permanent label is only going to harm you. No one else, just you.

This is complete nonsense and only serves to prove the OP’s point! Why does knowing what she wants - or what she doesn’t in this case - make her ‘bitter’? How is making a completely reversible choice going to ‘harm’ her in any way?

OP - you sound like you know your own mind and aren’t afraid to say so. Unfortunately all too many people think the only reason to be single is because you haven’t found someone yet. The idea that you’re not interested in finding someone is seen as somehow alien - and whilst it’s not true for everyone, sadly some people can’t handle anyone being happily single, as it makes them realise they’ve settled for anyone as opposed to no one.

I think the perception of being single as somehow lesser than being attached is very damaging, and leads people into sticking with unhappy relationships out of fear. Single is apparently a status no one would knowingly choose; you’re just stuck with it until you find someone. It would be much better if, rather than people being classified as single or attached, we could be single, attached or looking. Those of us happy to stay single could do just that without the pitying looks and set-ups, while those who aren’t could make a positive choice by saying ‘I’m looking; I’m excited by the possibilities out there’.

@SuperMumTum. With divorce rates as high as they are then it would be valid for people to think that it’s unlikely that a couple who marry at 23 will be together forever. They won’t say that out loud though and the OPs friends shouldn’t be commenting on her single status either.

I personally think that anyone who blindly discounts the possibility that their marriage might fail is an idiot.

OP, don't. I did. 32 years later, I regret it.

@catbellz

You've absolutely nothing to gain by this. By all means stay single as long as you like but to put such a bitter spin on it and a permanent label is only going to harm you. No one else, just you.

How is it bitter, and going to harm the OP? Genuinely curious.

OP, I have been single since the 90s and love it! I much prefer being single so I can understand where you are coming from.

I can't believe how patronising people on this thread are being, also perpetuating the idea that a woman needs a partner to be happy or that all women will eventually want a boyfriend. No you're not too young to make this decision, it's no different to someone deciding they don't want kids or any other life choice really. People should respect your life choices.

And to the commenters saying there's no need to make a vow about this, I think it's far more helpful to vow not to have a partner because it makes you less likely to give attention to or give a chance to men who may want to date you or persue a relationship etc. I know that for myself making a vow/deciding I don't want a partner made me far less distracted by things like that and gave me more space to persue my own interests and how I want my life to be etc.

I can't believe how patronising people on this thread are being, also perpetuating the idea that a woman needs a partner to be happy or that all women will eventually want a boyfriend. No you're not too young to make this decision, it's no different to someone deciding they don't want kids or any other life choice really. People should respect your life choices.

No one is saying that. If the OP is happy being single then that's brilliant. Not one person here has said that she would be happier being in a couple, or it may come eventually.
What is being questioned is the idea of closing down life choices permanently, and making decisions aboout your fuure actions decades in the future.
What is being challenged is the denial of the future opportunity of change.
I have no desire to live in Spain.
I lve the area I live and right now I can't imagine a reason to ever want to live in Spain.
However I kow that as people we change a great deal in the course of our lives, so ruling out the idea of ever living in Spain is silly.
I don't know how I will feel, what my circumstances, who I will be in 10 years time.
I can only make the decision not to stay in Spain right now- not for my whole future.
I may deelope a burning interest in Spaish culture, I may win a Spanish house in a competition, my OH may leave me and I may fall in love with a Spanish man and move to Madrid- anything is possible. and we can't see into the future.
So I can never write off living in Spain completely- nor 1000 other life choices that seem very remote right now.

Life is open ended and challenging enough without narrowing our paths and imposing limitations.
The OP is happy being single, and that's great.
She may be single for the rest of her life- and that's great too, but blinkered to make such decisions about her whole future life.

Of course that's okay if that's how you feel, no one needs a partner to live a fullfilled and happy life (although for some it helps). But speaking about it with people they probably aren't really sure what to say, beyond ah maybe you'll change your mind. What do you want them to say? Why not just be open minded and go with the flow anyway, there are some amazing men out there just like there's a whole load of not so nice ones, but it's up you completely.

No. It's how you feel right now and people should not be dismissive.

You can live however you want, make a vow at 18 if you want, some people prefer to be single, nothing wrong with that.

She goes on about how lovely it is having a partner and children in the one house

I'd be annoyed by this whether I wanted a partner or not.

I'm happily married now but in my early 30s I had lost it with dating and was pretty sure I didn't want a relationship at all. I had friends telling me not to worry and it would happen and I remember actually shouting at one of them that I wanted some sort of acknowledgment that it was OK not to want anything apart from nice holidays, a great career, lovely friends and other people's children to spoil. Not how my life turned out in the end but very much what I wanted at that time in that moment and not a single person around me understood so I feel your pain.

Seems to me the things that's bothering you is others hassling you to live your life the way they want.

To shut that down don't argue, don't talk about not wanting a relationship, they aren't listening to you anyway. Agree with them by using vague not committal noises and phrases. "Maybe one day yeah", "could happen one day", etc. No excitement in your voice, neutral, like you were talking about whether to have a cup of tea or not. Make it a boring topic.

Don't underestimate how much of this may be about their own insecurities. If they are pushy and the vague words don't work, turning it back on them with questions works. Why do you think that? Repeat the key bit of what they just said as a question back at them. Keep them talking about their beliefs while offering little info about your vows. It will all become a lot more tolerable.

There is nothing wrong with being single. There is nothing wrong with not actively look or being interests in dating. I can totally understand the appeal of being single and people don't need a relationship to make them complete and happy. Making a specific decision about staying single forever seems a bit silly (Like it is about several things)

When people go off about changing mind etc. Why not ask why they are obsessed about your personal life or why it bothers them that you are happy without a relationship?

Some people find it challenging when you actively and happily choose a different path than them, because they feel like you're judging them (even tho you aren't because your decisions have nothing to do with them), or they feel that they should have done something different, or they have to question how happy they really are with their decisions. So trying to make you conform to what they've done validates their own life decisions.
Dating can be such bullshit, so I don't blame you! There are a lot of bad eggs out there - there are also some lovely ones. I think that as long as you're not shutting yourself off to opportunities that could be right for you, you can plan to do whatever you like with your life. My only caution would be setting absolutes like "never", just because should you ever change your mind or randomly meet someone (completely on your terms, because it's good for you) all those people will be like "ohhhhh I told you so" and be so annoying it might ruin your fun.
People's negative and opinionated responses are often a lot more about themselves than about you.

What is being questioned is the idea of closing down life choices permanently, and making decisions aboout your fuure actions decades in the future. What is being challenged is the denial of the future opportunity of change.

But it’s not an irreversible decision! The OP could change her mind tomorrow if she wanted to - but she doesn’t. What’s wrong with saying so?

The majority of people on this site are parents. Parenthood IS an irreversible decision. If the OP had said ‘I’ve decided I want a baby and I won’t change my mind’, would people be saying ‘But why are you so certain you won’t change your mind? Why be so rigid about it when you might not want it ten years down the line?’ Or would they be telling her to go for it and it will be the best thing that ever happened to her?

Two separate points here:

1. 28 is too young to be vowing never to do anything again. You may have many decades ahead of you and it would be silly to second guess now how you will feel in 20/30/40 years about anything

2. There's a vast amount of social conditioning pressuring women to be in a relationship at almost all costs and the accompanying inference that they can't be properly happy if they're not. Well done for identifying that this is a load of bollocks and for having the courage and confidence to admit that you're happier on your own. That alone probably stands you in better stead to be happier over the long term, whether you are in a relationship or single. You're absolutely right to call people out on this.

What is being questioned is the idea of closing down life choices permanently, and making decisions aboout your fuure actions decades in the future.

But you do just that when you marry someone and have kids. You are vowing to stay with one partner for ever and to look after your kids for decades. Why is it ok to shut down the life choices offered by being single and child-free but not the other way round?

@SmallChickBilly exactly!!