To think that 28 isn't too young to vow never to have a relationship again?

[moneyheist]

I'm 28, I have a 7 year old daughter who Iives with me 4 nights a week, I have a wide circle of friends, a close relationship with my family, I have a couple of hobbies, I'm in my third year at uni, have a lovely house, a car and am financially stable. I genuinely feel very happy, settled and independent and have been through a lot of shit to get here.

I have been single for the last 4 years and don't want that to change, everyone of my past relationships have been a shit show and have left me really hurt. I genuinely hand on heart do not have any desire to ever be with another person again. I have no urge for sex, I take care of myself if need be.

However, I am sick to death of the comments, "oh you'll meet someone at uni" or "you'll change your mind when the right person comes along" - I won't because I'm not looking for the "right person" so there will be no "right person.

My best friend very clearly feels sorry for me, she says that it must be hard for me being on my own and when I tell her I am happy she laughs and says it won't stay this way forever. She goes on about how lovely it is having a partner and children in the one house as if that is meant to appeal to me, but it honestly doesn't. I much prefer going home, chilling out, being a slob either alone or with my daughter.

Even my daughters dad asks if I'm dating, it's like ffs! Others tell me I'm too young to make such declarations and that I will change my mind.

AIBU to think this isn't the case? I am not too young to decide to live the rest of my life single and that's nothing to be ashamed of?

Why the need to say "never?"

I mean it is a perfectly legitimate decision that right now you just aren't interested. Being in a relationship isn't the be-all and end-all. But I don't think you can say that you'll never meet someone that you'd like a relationship with. You're only 10 years into adulthood. In fact, it is generally considered that the brain doesn't reach full maturity until your mid-twenties so you've barely had any time at all! You could easily be on this earth another 60+ years. Trust me, even in 25 yrs, you'll have changed a lot.

I'd just say "never say never," but you aren't interested now and don't anticipate being interested any time soon. That would be a lot harder for people to argue with.

I get where you're coming from. I'm a year older than you with a child the same age and I've been single for 6 years. I'm perfectly happy this way and have a very fulfilling life - a job I enjoy, great family and friends. My ex is an involved dad so I get childfree time to myself and have a great social life. I sometimes think I like the idea of a relationship and have been on dates but every time I start to get involved with someone I realise that a relationship isn't actually for me and I end it. Plus the idea of a complicated step family situation seems like way too much effort than I am prepared to put in. I had a FWB for a long time which was ideal.

Of course, I can never say never because life can throw you curveballs but I prefer being single right now and I can see that carrying on for a long time. It is very annoying when friends/family ask if you have "met someone yet". No, because I am not looking. As if having a partner is the only acceptable way to live.

I don't think it is a silly vow to make. You know your own mind in much the same way that people who make other vows...such as promising to stay with someone for life when you get married. No one says that is a silly to declare that you want something for the rest of your life, you just want the opposite.

People are different and if being single makes you happy and reduces stress in your life that a relationships brings then enjoy your life, your way.

Yes I think it is too young to say that and I'd feel the same if you're in your 60s.

Why not just see where life takes you, nobody knows what is around the corner

For people who think it is too young to say that - would you say the same to a woman who said she didn't want children?

For people who think it is too young to say that - would you say the same to a woman who said she didn't want children?

Yes this is said constantly to women who don't want children, every single day! They also can't get access to things like sterilisation because they don't know their own minds according to some people.

I split up with my first H at 29 and was then on my own for 6 years. By choice. I just needed to be me for a while (to 'find myself' as the Americans might put it). Went out with someone every now and again, but none of them got as far as a 3rd date
I had a sort of 'things I won't put up with' list, and if they fell foul of that, they were a goner. It was quite a long list.

Then, I met my now DH at 35, married at 36, baby at 37 so I didn't hang about in the end!!

Just be happy being you for now. In a few years' time you'll know whether or if you're ready.

I had Dd at 23 and broke up with her dad whilst pregnant. I dated briefly when she was about 5 but it didn't work out, he was a nice enough guy but very career focused and it was difficult finding time to see each other. Instead I decided to focus on myself and DD, learnt to drive, bought a car, bought my house, worked on a second degree and professional qualifications and have taken Dd in holidays I probably couldn't afford if I was spending money on the paraphernalia that goes along with dating. DDs almost 11 now, I've lived my life to my own beat for over a decade that the idea of living with someone now is pretty unimaginable.
I decided I would never move in with someone while she was a child and I still don't feel any need to date and that's OK.
Working with teenagers I've heard both some good stories from teens and their blended families, some sad stories about them feeling pushed out and suddenly finding a man in their space after many years of just living with their mums and having to adjust to that, to the downright awful cases of sexual and physical abuse carried out by the mum bf/new husband which quite frankly are sufficient to stick to my guns for the remainder of her childhood. Fortunately she sees her dad all the time and isn't lacking in good male role models.

I once went on a works night out and sat next to someone I barely knew and she spent 45 mins telling me how my life couldn't possibly be complete without a man. It feels pretty complete to me!

its not a silly vow to make, and you're not wrong for believing that is how your life will go, its your life, you call the shots.

However.. i made the same vow at 36, i have been single for 3 years out of a controlling, unpleasant marriage.

I have just in the last few months had things 'change' in a relationship with a friend of mine.. he's been my best friend for 2 years, was never anything there, i just enjoyed his company.. then something shifted, i dont know what, but it did.

We're not 'together' in the sense that we are public about it.. i'm still not convinced i want to BE in a traditional relationship ever again.. but what we have going on is fun, free and has no ties and agreements beyond we dont mess about with anyone else while we have this 'thing' going on... and he understand my background and my feelings about things.

Just do you, and enjoy whatever happens, or doesn't, and ignore everyone else.

I think people might be taking the idea of your “vow” a bit too seriously... it is not a legal document that will prevent you from ever changing your mind, rather a conscious choice to not actively seek out a new partner for the foreseeable future, as you’re happy with things at the moment. It’s not like if you met someone and felt a spark you’d have to say “no we can’t do this, I made a vow to myself”

I’m a similar age to you and also happily single, which doesn’t seem comprehensible to others! I’m not online dating, not desperate to meet anyone, and would be perfectly happy if I never got married or had children. If a relationship developed naturally, would I actively sabotage it? Of course not. Am I utterly miserable without a boyfriend/husband and kids? Honestly, no, I enjoy my life as is. So whatever happens in the future is a win for me!

I don’t understand why it almost seems upsetting for others when a woman doesn’t want to pursue the status quo though.

I feel exactly the same OP and you have to remember that if you married another horrible bloke and own your own home you could be paying him a great big chunk of your money/pension if it ended in divorce.
I've been divorced fron wankers twice and have lost half the value of my home which will leave me really poor in retirement.
I used to own a beautiful home on a national park now I'm in a small terraced house.
I'm 58 but have long been happier alone, I don't need a man either as I'm a strong woman with lots of friends and relatives.
You don't "need" a man and I wouldn't rush into it. Also there is no need to get married even you do meet someone. Protect your assets, always use your head not your heart and you will be fine.

What does the "vow" mean though?

Why even do it?

So imagine some time in the future you meet someone you like, things are going really well, he/she makes you happy, you feel respected and start to feel that this relationship is healthy and good for you.
Would you then give yourself a stark reminder about your " vow" you made in the past and stop seeing this person because of some promise you made yourself?

It all sounds quite silly and nonsensical.

Sorry I should clarify, as a previous poster said, if I were to meet someone naturally, say through work or on a night out and felt an instant connection and really wanted to pursue it, of course I wouldn't think "oh no I've made a vow to myself so can't go there."

Rather what I'm saying is, I don't hope for that to happen, I'm not actively looking or expecting that to happen and would be perfectly happen if that were never to happen. I am not dating and never will actively date.

What upsets me most is that others don't believe I could ever be truly happy single or they think this is just a phase I'm going through which will pass and I will then see common sense and start looking for my "soulmate".

I will never share my space with anyone ever again other than my daughter and animals. It would take a fucking amazing human to make me even consider that.

I'm older than you but I feel the same. Been single for 3 years, have 2 great kids, couldn't imagine being in another relationship. The thought of it is just so unpleasant. Like a PP I would never be in another relationship while my kids are still young. Absolutely wouldn't do that to them. Love my own company and love being a team of 3 with my DC. I have single friends who are constantly dating and think I'm "tragic" because I don't want to hook up with random blokes. I have nothing missing in my life. It helps that I'm naturally not very sexually driven and like being on my own and with my own thoughts. It must be very hard work to be someone that's so desperate for company all the time and so needy for other people. Just live your life and ignore them.

I met my husband when I was 37. We married last year when I was 42, he is 48. Both of us had had relationships before but spent long periods single. Both first marriage. No kids - too late - so we just Have lived a pretty awful and worthless life according to your friends and family. I’d love a conversation with them to explain how that’s not true and challenge their lives!
Some people who’ve commented seem to get It, others completely miss the point. You don’t particularly need to make a vow, but in the face of such mindlessly conformist ideas about how you should be living your life I’d probably be tempted to do the same, to be honest. It’s insulting to be told the way your friends and family live is the only happy way and your life can’t really be that great in comparison.
There have been times - still are - when I really question or pity the lives of those in long relationships/with kids. Do I? No. It would be considered rude and judgemental and probably fairly astonishing.

Why it’s meanwhile fine to judge those who are single and/or childless is beyond me.

So you need to push back against those who judge you implicitly with their comments. It’s a shame you need to do it as definitively as a bow, but the tide of opposition to anything other than partnered or married with kids is strong that sometimes it feels the only way, right?

I think there needs to be room for a bit more nuance. Some people protest too much and maybe don’t stop to consider whether they’re really happy or always will be, because they’ve followed the path that society approves of.

I hope you stay happy whatever life you choose and whether or not you find an amazing partner. You sound to have a wonderful life to me!

I don't think your choice to make no effort to date or meet someone new is unreasonable. You'll probably be very happy that way for many years.

You may get lonely/bored eventually. Your daughter will have her own life at some point. And your place may feel empty despite your animals... But better cross that bridge when you reach it! No point looking for a partner now if you're not interested. Plenty of time to start looking later in life.

This is honestly pretty immature. In 10, 20 years you're going to be a different person... and probably looking back at the you of today and laughing.

Sorry for the typos, was so moved to reply I didn’t check before I posted! Hopefully it makes some sense.

Is it also immature to vow to stay with someone for the rest of their lives on the basis that in 10, 20 years you'll be a different person?

Never say never. Ultimatums are stupid.

@ThePants999

This is honestly pretty immature. In 10, 20 years you're going to be a different person... and probably looking back at the you of today and laughing.

I disagree. While I wouldn't use the word "vow" i feel exactly the same and I'm 15 years older than the OP. Why would you think that she doesn't know her own mind and isn't capable of making a decision about the life she wants to live?

I think the immature attitude is from the people who think a committed, monogamous relationship is the only way for humans to live. Being long term single (with or without children) is a valid choice.

@SuperMumTum that's exactly how I feel, a lot of my friends I think feel sorry for me and don't understand why I'm single but I actually feel sorry for them, because they seem like they NEED to be in a relationship to feel complete, as if being on their own would be the worst thing in the world and that's pretty sad. However, I am very introverted and love my own company and peace and quiet whereas a lot of these friends in relationships are extroverted so need less alone time. I'm sure this is a factor.

@Rubytoosday your post resonated with me. Spot on and very well said! Thank you

You do what makes you happy, OP. If that means vowing to stay single, that's your call to make.
I'd have a word with your friend though-constant comments about being on your own, etc, is incredibly patronising (and projecting!!)