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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry, it's a Facebook one

103 replies

Fletchings · 15/07/2020 12:58

I am a member of my street Facebook group - we usually just exchange things going on on the road which are useful to know (recent break in attempts, or if someone needs a hand with something, roadworks etc).

The group has around 40 members, all of them are white British AFAIK. I am the only one from with an BAME background.

Anyhow, yesterday a member posted to advice/warn us that in the side road next to ours a three young Asian lads moved in. She referred to them as 'pakis' and advised us to be careful when walking around in the evening.

I posted a polite reply asking her to reconsider her language and such insinuations in future posts.

None of the other members (who usually have an opinion just about anything) said anything. However I got a big backslash for saying anything. I have been called all kinds of things and several people told me I just have just sorted it with a neighbourly chat and it was totally inappropriate to say something in the group as the issue is between me and the neighbour only.

I am usually extremely shy but this made me really uncomfortable as I am one to avoid confrontation. I now question myself. Should I have rather said nothing or sent a private message?

(NC in case some group members read this even though I doubt that they are on here) .

OP posts:
Jux · 15/07/2020 14:23

Well, how absolutely for you Flowers You did exactly the right thing and your neighbours are horrid.

Staying in the group would show courage and let everyone know that you're strong and courageous enough to meet those racists headon and you won't be running away. I hope that would give others courage to rethink and regret they didn't back you up.

At the very least, they would realise that you are a formidable woman and they won't want to mess wiht you!

theemmadilemma · 15/07/2020 14:23

WTAF? Well done you on calling it out publicly. Anyone who thinks you should have a 'quiet word' seemly thinks it's ok?

kenandbarbie · 15/07/2020 14:24

You were definitely in the right. Posting that p word in a public group is a terrible thing to do. Even if she's a horrible racist and so are her neighbours she should have known better.

I'm surprised no one else stuck up for you. What are the people like on your street? Confused They sound horrible.

DotBall · 15/07/2020 14:24

Do not leave the group... Continue to vocally respond as you did before

This, with bells on.
You called out an overt racist in public and their covert racist friend didn’t like it. What a shame.

Well done you, stay strong.

SciFiScream · 15/07/2020 14:26

There's a fabulous BBC bitesize video (so meant for you get people) about being anti-racist. Maybe you could share that in your Facebook group.

It seems like a few people need to learn something. We have a WhatsApp group here and a few people were using a racist word (though I wonder if they knew it was racist?) and my DH took an anti-racist stance.

I'm very proud of him.

I'm very proud of you too.

ThinkingIsAllowed · 15/07/2020 14:28

YANBU she was absolutely outrageous!

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 15/07/2020 14:29

That is absolutely vile. I think you're being very calm about this OP. Not so much the idiot racist poster, you're always going to get the odd one of them, but the people standing up for her. I'd expect most people to be 'British' about it and keep quiet even if they are privately raging at her but to stick up for her is absurd. Apart from the modalities of it, it's illegal! Calling specific people the p word publically, is a hate crime! How can anyone defend that??

Anyway I'm not sure what I'd do not. I don't think you should leave the group, because why should you. I'd probably just ignore because you can't argue with stupid. But aside from any racism etc, facebook is a public forum and people should expect their views to be challenged publically. And you didnt break any Facebook rules. Unlike your vile neighbour

RobynNora · 15/07/2020 14:29

Wow. That's really horrible. Well done for taking a stand and I'm so sorry nobody else backed you up. I'm genuinely shocked that nobody else said anything.

YouokHun · 15/07/2020 14:31

That’s appalling and you were right to say something.

FB groups like this are a terrifying window on just how bigoted many people are. I have both a pretend Facebook profile and my real profile on our village FB page. I use the pretend one to comment generally on mundane things when I don’t want to be identified but also call out racism, sexist bullshit, scams/MLM pitches and bullying/posting of inappropriate footage and to report such posts. It’s not that I’ve appointed myself as some sort of policing person and that kind of nastiness doesn’t happen that often, but when it does I want to say something. I use another identity so I don’t get any nasty stuff in retaliation and also because I have a business locally which wouldn’t benefit from me having too much visibility on local sites and pages. Easier for me as it’s quite a large village whereas your street based page might make it more tricky to have a pretend persona.

BlingLoving · 15/07/2020 14:32

Because your neighbour put it out on the FB group page, you were perfectly entitled to respond on the FB group page to her.

THIS. I'm always a bit surprised when people make unacceptable comments in groups and are then outraged that the response is also public. It's happened to me too.

I'm sorry the rest of your neighbours are so spineless and/or racist.

shadyzadie · 15/07/2020 14:33

That's awful OP. She is racist, the people not backing you up are racist and/or too cowardly to speak up, (which to my mind is pretty much the same thing). I'm really sorry that you're having to deal with this.

BlooperReel · 15/07/2020 14:34

*You called out an overt racist in public and their covert racist friend didn’t like it. What a shame.

Well done you, stay strong.*

This x1000

CuppaZa · 15/07/2020 14:35

You did the right thing OP. I’m sorry you’ve received backlash. FWIW you were completely right. I would have done the same, as most people would.

Why do people think it’s acceptable to air their disgusting views publicly, yet ‘normal’ folk (yes, I am 100% saying racists are abnormal), are vilified for calling them out on it?
I’d love for the school that employs her to have seen it.

Straycatstrut · 15/07/2020 14:35

After I'd stopped glaring at the screen in utter disbelief I'd have probably said something indirect but to totally to the point like "Oh that's nice. I'm off to call on them to welcome them and say hi. I'll ask if they'd like to join our group. Thanks for letting me know!"

SusieOwl4 · 15/07/2020 14:40

I think you handled that very well and glad the post has been removed . Would not bother reporting to Facebook . I saw something even worse than that and reported it and Facebook acknowledged my report but did nothing at all .

Sad that more people did not back you up though .

justanotherneighinparadise · 15/07/2020 14:40

This is what happens when you try to get along with neighbours. No one wants to rock the apple cart as it’s just too close to home. What you said was correct, their silence in the face of obvious prejudice was shameful.

Bloops · 15/07/2020 14:41

Well done OP. I would have totally done the same.
You know you did the right thing despite receiving no support from anyone else.
At least now you know who your friends are. It's always nice when the trash takes itself out :)

lostfrequencies · 15/07/2020 14:42

You definitely did the right thing. I'd also report to the school.

Jaxhog · 15/07/2020 14:47

If she posted this comment on a group site, then it's quite reasonable to respond the same way. I'm amazed no-one else pulled her up on it - I would have.

PhilSwagielka · 15/07/2020 14:50

No, you weren't in the wrong. You were polite about it. And street/local groups are notorious for this kind of thing, which is why I avoid them.

I'm sorry your neighbour is so horrible, and it's disgusting that they're siding with her. If she didn't want a comment she shouldn't have put it out there.

Frost1nMay · 15/07/2020 14:58

Shame you don't have the evidence for it and you could share it anonymously with her school.

People like her should NOT be educating our children!

BlitterBug · 15/07/2020 14:58
  1. Report to the school. You don't need evidence. Just write a letter and state the facts. It will alert them and that's all you need - if they have future complaints (or existing ones) it will help piece together a pattern of behaviour.
  1. Go round to say hello the new lads, add them onto the group, and introduce them to everyone. Seriously. This can be how people's embedded racist views start to change.
CantSayJack · 15/07/2020 14:58

So it’s ok for the neighbour to spout racist views on the FB group but you’re not allowed to call him/her out on it? I’m afraid your neighbours are racist,I would tell remind them it was the neighbour who posted first and you commented and are entitled to do so. I’d then leave.

bakereld · 15/07/2020 15:00

This is absolutely disgusting and you are definitely NBU. I would have screenshot it and sent it to her school. Racists should not be allowed to get away with vile comments like these.

meercat23 · 15/07/2020 15:01

The group members who told you that you should have sorted it out in private are just plain wrong. The original post was on a neighbourhood Facebook page. It needed to be sorted out in the place where it was posted.

Well done for saying what needed to be said. Racism needs to be called out.

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