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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry, it's a Facebook one

103 replies

Fletchings · 15/07/2020 12:58

I am a member of my street Facebook group - we usually just exchange things going on on the road which are useful to know (recent break in attempts, or if someone needs a hand with something, roadworks etc).

The group has around 40 members, all of them are white British AFAIK. I am the only one from with an BAME background.

Anyhow, yesterday a member posted to advice/warn us that in the side road next to ours a three young Asian lads moved in. She referred to them as 'pakis' and advised us to be careful when walking around in the evening.

I posted a polite reply asking her to reconsider her language and such insinuations in future posts.

None of the other members (who usually have an opinion just about anything) said anything. However I got a big backslash for saying anything. I have been called all kinds of things and several people told me I just have just sorted it with a neighbourly chat and it was totally inappropriate to say something in the group as the issue is between me and the neighbour only.

I am usually extremely shy but this made me really uncomfortable as I am one to avoid confrontation. I now question myself. Should I have rather said nothing or sent a private message?

(NC in case some group members read this even though I doubt that they are on here) .

OP posts:
caramac04 · 15/07/2020 13:42

Considering she is a school TA I’m not surprised she’s deleted her racist post.. Her employer would take a very dim view of her racism. Even if she doesn’t appear to be racist at work, children can pick up on very subtle body language and she could influence them. Imagine if you’re a child from an ethnic minority and this woman was working in your classroom.
Completely unacceptable and you were right to call her out.
Those who said a quiet word was preferable actually agree with her sentiments but are more careful where they express them.

JaniceWebster · 15/07/2020 13:45

Why on earth would you live the group? The last thing you should do is being pushed out and let them win. Don't get involved for awhile if you are uncomfortable but you have the absolute right to keep informed of the local info.

Doubly shocking that someone with such views is working in a school!
ahem what?! If you genuinely think "racists" are a special group you really are missing a big part of the problem.
It's as bad as generalising that every member of such profession MUST be racist. SOME people are wrong, but you find them everywhere.

Original poster
Fletchings · 15/07/2020 13:46

Did you screenshot the message by any chance?

It didn't occur to me straight away. Only after she said she deleted it I thought I maybe should have done it.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 15/07/2020 13:47

Your neighbours are assholes, obviously. Someone posts using offensive racist language yet you're the bad one for calling her out on it? Mind-boggling.

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/07/2020 13:48

If you hit the back button enough times you might be able to recapture it...

RaisinGhost · 15/07/2020 13:50

I'm also shocked no one backed you up! She posted her racist crap on the group so of course you would call her out on the group. Why would you send her a pm? So as not to embarrass her? She embarrassed herself!

oakleaffy · 15/07/2020 13:50

Op that is awful language... like the worst days of the 1970’s
I left FB and really don’t miss it at all.
But why would people be afraid of three Asian lads moving in? I’d be far more nervous of people who used terms like what that neighbour did!

Mrskeats · 15/07/2020 13:50

That's a good tip Sheba
I would be so tempted to send that to the head of her school.
People like that should not be working with kids plus school will have a social media policy. Shows she's not v bright either,.

MaryLisbon · 15/07/2020 13:52

Jesus that's awful. You are totally in the right op and they should have been agreeing with you and backing you up. It's sad that someone like that works in a school. She deserves to have been reported to the school as it was totally unacceptable. Just remember you are right and they have shown their true colours by not backing you up but I'm sorry you have to live among them. Flowers

Brefugee · 15/07/2020 13:53

That's bloody awful, OP.
They've outed themselves now, so at least you know (and in future screenshot stuff like that, just in case)

NemesiaPinkLagoon · 15/07/2020 13:57

I'm sorry that happened OP. There are some nasty ignorant people around. I wonder if not everyone in the group saw it? Just trying to think of a silver lining!

LillianBland · 15/07/2020 13:59

The really horrible thing is the fact that there is probably childREN with a Pakistani heritage in her classes.

DibDibDibduh · 15/07/2020 14:00

She knew exactly what she was doing. I bet she is shitting herself now . Silly woman
Stay on the group if you find it useful

KetoIFWinnie · 15/07/2020 14:00

I agree with what's been said already. Use of the language 'pakis' is not acceptable.

On the subject of nobody doing anything, it's the bystander effect and it's really depressing. I was bullied out of a group recently, the perp FROZE me out while love-bombing everybody else, and I ended up researching this effect. Less than two per cent of people will risk their position in a group to do the right thing apparently. 80% will notice and less than 2% will do the right thing. {Kip Williams}

3cats · 15/07/2020 14:04

Stay in the group. I bet she is shitting herself that you will report her to the school. The twat. Serves her right.

NewNewt · 15/07/2020 14:04

Thats appalling and utterly unacceptable. You should have taken a screenshot. As you didn't and she has deleted I don't think there is anything further you can do other than know that you are surrounded by racist arseholes and treat them accordingly.

I thought my local facebook was bad - there are some proper old school racists on there, and even they wouldnt use that or similar words as they would be instantly reported. I believe use of that word result in a visit from the police in many instances.

NewNewt · 15/07/2020 14:05

very good point - she doesn't know that you didn't screenshot it

Original poster
Fletchings · 15/07/2020 14:07

new, no she doesn't. No idea if she worries about it but I sort of hope she does. A. Lot.

Thanks for all the responses. Feeling much better now!

OP posts:
madbirdlady22 · 15/07/2020 14:09

Jesus christ, that is so deeply offensive, and well done for calling her out on it.
It is extremely disappointing that the others did not have your back on this, but believe me you need to carry on. I had a similar reception in a different setting for calling out behaviour like this, very uncomfortable silences and atmosphere afterwards, but that is not my problem. The only way we can stop this is calling it out each and every single time. I have been doing so for years about this and sexism. It does not make me popular, but it does mean that I am part of forcing the change we all need to see.

I hope you are able to retrieve her message somehow.

Imissmoominmama · 15/07/2020 14:09

You were absolutely right to call her out on it!

pinkgin85 · 15/07/2020 14:09

Thank you for speaking up. If she was that comfortable voicing such horrific terminology and stereotypes on a public forum I shudder to think what she's like in private Sad

2bazookas · 15/07/2020 14:10

Good for you, and shame on all those who said nothing.

madbirdlady22 · 15/07/2020 14:11

Do not leave the group, it will look like a retreat.

Continue to vocally respond as you did before. Why should you leave, she should fucking apologise sincerely to you and the whole group, and rethink both her language and her views around racism.

dramalamma · 15/07/2020 14:17

That's awful! I have to admit I'd be tempted to post something along the lines of "thank you for showing me what kind of group I'm part of. As you've now deleted the post, I'm assuming you've realised how totally unacceptable your position was and that an apology to the whole group will now be forthcoming. I do hope no one screenshotted your comment as it wouldn't look good if the headteacher at x school were to find out the views held by a TA in their school looking after ethnically diverse pupils."
.... not sure it would help my position in your shoes but it would make me feel better!

ifoundafoxcaughtbydogs · 15/07/2020 14:21

It's unthinkable that someone would write that but equally outrageous that it should be seen as a private issue to be dealt with!

I had a similar experience on the village whatsapp group where I politely pointed out that a (very) misogynist meme was unhelpful to women being seen as equal. Not one single spineless bastard backed me up.

If it's any consolation I think I do get a bit more respect from people since. (Unless it's just wariness 🤔)