Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re telling him about suspected pregnancy

79 replies

Glakspol · 15/07/2020 09:51

DP (40) and I (31) have been together for a relatively short period of time (6 months) however over the strictest part of the lockdown period I lived with him and due to the change in routine and all of the hectic goings on, I forgot to take a couple of my contraceptive pills here and there. I should point out that I feel absolutely mortified about this and I’m completely aware that it’s highly irresponsible. AF was due yesterday and I’m usually like clockwork but no sign. I’ve also noticed a couple of other strange symptoms which could indicate early pregnancy however I’m conscious that I could be overly paranoid.

DP and I have discussed children and both of us would like to have them at some point in the future. Neither of us have any DC from previous relationships but DP is particularly keen to settle down and have children in the near future due to his age. Whilst we are both financially in good positions and are home owners, we don’t live together currently and I’m conscious we are in the very very early stages of our relationship. Due to this, I’d be inclined to terminate the pregnancy if the test were to be positive.

Having never been through this before I’d really like DP’s support with all of this (including the test), but don’t know how I should approach things or whether it’d be wrong of me to get him involved and cause unnecessary upset or worry when my mind is pretty much made up i.e. do I tell him I believe I could be pregnant and let him know I’ll be taking a test? Do I take a test without telling him and then discuss the result or, do I simply save his feelings and not tell him at all and go ahead with the termination?

Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 15/07/2020 12:44

I'd take a test then tell him if its positive. It's possible tthat by not taking your pills properly you've messed up your cycle a bit.

User8008135 · 15/07/2020 12:53

Take a test then go from there. It's a waste of energy and stress to worry until you know. Plus you may feel differently depending on the result. I expected to feel upset for a positive but when the test was negative (too early taken actually was pregnant) i felt strangely upset. Previously I felt relieved with negatives for un expected possibles

SleepingStandingUp · 15/07/2020 13:02

Take the test. Like a pp said, you've buggered up your cycle. If it's negative yell him you've missed a pill so need to use condoms until you get your period.

If it's positive decide if this is a secret you can keep forever. If you stay together and try for a baby on a year or two, will the abortion be something you want to talk to him about? What about if you struggle to conceive in 5 years, will you want to talk about this? Even sorry term, someone to drive you, look after you a few days etc

If so, tell him but if you're adamant you've made a decision, tell him that clearly - I've decided it isn't what I want right now but if we're going to have a life together I thought you should know I'm pregnant but I intend to get an abortion.

Ohtherewearethen · 15/07/2020 13:16

How many pills did you miss? I'm not sure each one only lasts for 24 hours but has more of a cumalative effect? Otherwise you wouldn't be 'covered' when you take the monthly break, if that is the type of pill you take of course.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/07/2020 13:21

I wouldn't terminate just because you've only been together 6 months just because you think you should, don't rush into anything, also you're only 1 day late, you might be way jumping the gun!

bluesapphirestars · 15/07/2020 13:24

I probably wouldn’t terminate in the circumstances the op describes either ayra but the whole point is it’s her choice

ivfdreaming · 15/07/2020 13:29

Not telling him and aborting his baby would be the end of your relationship. If your prepared to make such a decision then you should be prepared to end the relationship because of it because anything from this point on would be built on lies.

You made a mistake with your contraception and now you need to put your big girl pants on and take ownership of that - that does not mean a secret termination

bluesapphirestars · 15/07/2020 13:29

It’s cells, not a baby.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/07/2020 13:38

I probably wouldn’t terminate in the circumstances the op describes either ayra but the whole point is it’s her choice

Oh of course I agree 100%

SauvignonBlanketyBlank · 15/07/2020 13:45

I got pregnant 3 months in to my relationship with my now dh.We were both in shock but happy and now ds is 6.Dont rule out keeping the baby just because you've only been together a short time doesnt mean it won't work out ok.

ivfdreaming · 15/07/2020 13:47

@bluesapphirestars

It’s cells, not a baby.

Google a 6 week pregnant. It's stops being cells by the end of the 5th week

bluesapphirestars · 15/07/2020 13:56

It still is not a baby at this point and the only person who decides what happens to it is the one carrying it.

whiplashy · 15/07/2020 14:02

you don’t need someone to hold your hand while you pee on a test Confused

MsEllany · 15/07/2020 14:18

Also I’ve missed pills before, I just ran the pack into the next one. Never had a pregnancy scare while doing that and I was sometimes less than diligent.

CrazyToast · 15/07/2020 14:23

Test, then discuss with him.

HowFastIsTooFast · 15/07/2020 14:28

How's the relationship OP? If it's good, and you've discussed having children in the future, would you be terminating now just based on the length of time you've been together?

I've been with my DP only a little longer than you, and granted I'm a few years older than you are but we both want kids, our relationship is great and if we wait another year or two and then took a year or more to conceive I'd be pushing 40 by the time I gave birth, so we've decided to let nature take it's course now and stopped using contraception.

You could take this as a happy accident, have a baby a little sooner than planned and live happily ever after. Or you could be together another 3 years, have a baby then and split after a year. People are together 10 years, married with kids and then split up. On the other hand there are instances where a baby results from a one night stand and the couple end up together and make it work. There's no way of seeing the future so I don't necessarily think that arbitrary periods of time are so important.

But, as PPs have said, you need to test first before you can make the next decision.

Malbecblooms · 15/07/2020 15:28

I really don't know why you didn't just take a test??

Purpleartichoke · 15/07/2020 15:35

Go test now. There is no reason to wait.

If it is positive and you think this is your forever relationship, I would tell him about the termination. If you are just dating and seeing where it goes, I would not tell him.

Original poster
Glakspol · 16/07/2020 15:46

Thanks everyone. I took the test this morning and it’s positive. DP doesn’t know yet, but I think I’ll have to tell him because whilst I’m 99% sure, there’s that 1% of doubt and I’m not sure I can make such a big decision alone.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 16/07/2020 16:05

@Glakspol

Thanks everyone. I took the test this morning and it’s positive. DP doesn’t know yet, but I think I’ll have to tell him because whilst I’m 99% sure, there’s that 1% of doubt and I’m not sure I can make such a big decision alone.
Best of luck with it and make sure you're as sure as you can be with whatever choice you make
MimiSunshine · 16/07/2020 16:22

OP you’re doing the right thing in telling him.

If you aren’t ready for a baby right now its 100% your choice what you de use at this stage.
However I would just say like others if it’s say a year too early in your relationship right now and it’s freaking you out then consider that by the time you’d be giving birth which would be late April / early May next year then you’ll have been together as most 18mths by then.

I’m sure you don’t actually Need me to tell you your own time line but I’m just pointiNg out that being Newly pregnant now means you have almost a year before you Have a baby so consider how that sits more in the timeline.

OhYeahYouSuck · 16/07/2020 16:37

I think discussing it with him is the sensible way to go. If you didn't, had a termination and he found out later on, he could see this very negatively.

Dixiechickonhols · 16/07/2020 16:53

Good luck whatever you decide. I think discussing it with him is a good decision.

Dixiechickonhols · 16/07/2020 16:55

I was going to say what mimi said don’t get hung up on 6 months by time baby here it will be a lot longer together.

Justkeepswimmingdory · 16/07/2020 16:58

Also consider that at 6 months you don't fully know each other even if it feels like you do! I personally wouldn't have a baby with someone I hadn't known at least 2 years. It's a person's life at the end of the day and as the same thing happened to a family member of mine when she 'missed a few pills' I can say that they are now not together and pretty much hate each other. A baby changes everything.