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Original poster

Re telling him about suspected pregnancy

79 replies

Glakspol · 15/07/2020 09:51

DP (40) and I (31) have been together for a relatively short period of time (6 months) however over the strictest part of the lockdown period I lived with him and due to the change in routine and all of the hectic goings on, I forgot to take a couple of my contraceptive pills here and there. I should point out that I feel absolutely mortified about this and I’m completely aware that it’s highly irresponsible. AF was due yesterday and I’m usually like clockwork but no sign. I’ve also noticed a couple of other strange symptoms which could indicate early pregnancy however I’m conscious that I could be overly paranoid.

DP and I have discussed children and both of us would like to have them at some point in the future. Neither of us have any DC from previous relationships but DP is particularly keen to settle down and have children in the near future due to his age. Whilst we are both financially in good positions and are home owners, we don’t live together currently and I’m conscious we are in the very very early stages of our relationship. Due to this, I’d be inclined to terminate the pregnancy if the test were to be positive.

Having never been through this before I’d really like DP’s support with all of this (including the test), but don’t know how I should approach things or whether it’d be wrong of me to get him involved and cause unnecessary upset or worry when my mind is pretty much made up i.e. do I tell him I believe I could be pregnant and let him know I’ll be taking a test? Do I take a test without telling him and then discuss the result or, do I simply save his feelings and not tell him at all and go ahead with the termination?

Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
GotOutOfBedOnTheWrongSide · 15/07/2020 10:33

Just take a test and plan your next move when you know the results. I understand why you would want to terminate in secret but I don't think that's the best way to build a solid relationship. If you decide to terminate, tell your partner that you intend on doing this because of xyz and your sorry but it's your decision and it's what you feel is best at this current time.

Waveysnail · 15/07/2020 10:34

Take test first

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 15/07/2020 10:35

Take the test first.

If its negative and you tell him about skipping your pill a couple of times then you'll either get his hopes up that you want a baby now, or he won't trust you again.

As for telling him if its positive, if you're having an abortion and he wants kids, then that may well be the end of your relationship. I wouldn't expect his support through it, so you may have to tell a friend or relative who will support you.

You have some tough choices to make, but, if I were you I would make them based on you being on your own without his support. If he does support you then it's a bonus.

Good luck op Flowers

CleanAndPaidFor · 15/07/2020 10:39

Do you love him OP? Or is it that you're not sure he's the one? I think that would make a difference if it were me.

mynameisntlouise · 15/07/2020 10:42

Did your partner double check with you before every sexual encounter that you'd taken hour pill? Probably not. I have a bit of a bugbear about contraception being a woman's job and male partners literally don't have to think about it. Please don't be so harsh on yourself over forgetting. It's not exactly the same as forgetting to use a condom because that is something both partners are responsible for in my eyes.

I'd personally not discuss it with my partner if you're considering a termination. It'd be different if you were in a very long term relationship I suppose.

BuffyFanForever · 15/07/2020 10:47

Perhaps fate intervened...you’ve discussed wanting children. You are both financially stable adults...

MissBPotter · 15/07/2020 10:50

I think you’re being naive if you think you can terminate and keep it from him and remain in a relationship with him. To me it does sound like a strange decision if you want children in the near future, but it’s your choice.

Either way you first need to get a test! It could be nothing, so it will give you peace of mind either way, at least you will know if you actually are pregnant.

EasterIssland · 15/07/2020 10:56

wait a few days and take the test
negative , then retest in a week or so
positive, then take a decision and discuss it with him.

I'd not have a termination without telling him and carry on with the relationship, this might come back to you in the future when you're much into the relationship and make more damage than it would right now

Alfiemoon1 · 15/07/2020 11:04

Do the test first on your own then take it from there

bluesapphirestars · 15/07/2020 11:29

I would have no issues or qualms or regrets about keeping a termination from my partner and it would not remotely effect the relationship as a result.

Everyone is different but it is wrong to authoritatively state that the Op ‘will’ feel a certain way.

ForeverBubblegum · 15/07/2020 11:57

I'd do the test alone, if it's positive you can then focus on your own emotional response, without been clouded by his. If your 100% that you want a termination, I'd get one without telling him. But, if you have any doubts, then discuss and make a decision with his support.

EasterIssland · 15/07/2020 12:01

@bluesapphirestars im not saying how she'll feel if she keeps it for herself.
however lets say in 10 years time they're married with kids and he comes to know about it , do you think he'll be happy? cuz I'd be crossed and might ask for a divorce and then the damage might be worse than if my partner had said it now

bluesapphirestars · 15/07/2020 12:04

How would he come to know about it?

I’m sure he wouldn’t be happy, that’s why it’s not something I’d share.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 15/07/2020 12:06

How would he ever find out if op chose to keep it secret?

Theres no way.

If he divorced her for making a choice about her own body then he is obviously a cunt in the first place.

EasterIssland · 15/07/2020 12:09

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult I'm not saying divorce about making a choice. more divorce about keeping something like a termination secret. she can do what she wants with her body but he might rather break now

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 15/07/2020 12:12

A termination is a valid choice about her own body, it doesn't concern anyone else.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 15/07/2020 12:16

I would take a test. Pointless telling him about it - it could be negative. If the test is positive then you need to think about whether to tell him about your decision to opt for a termination.

Redruby25 · 15/07/2020 12:17

I agree, do the test first, that is the most important thing at this time.

The other thought I had, is if you say you both want to have children, and you think it is too early on to be doing that in this relationship, what did you have in mind for how long you would of liked to of waited, until thinking about that?

MsEllany · 15/07/2020 12:24

You need to take a test.

I’m surprised no one has picked up that you’re on the pill yet ‘regular as clockwork’ - well, you would be, but it’s not a real period and therefore not having a bleed doesn’t necessarily point to pregnancy. Also, purely on my own experience, the pill often gave me pseudo-pregnancy symptoms like odd cravings and tender boobs as well.

I think you need to test and then tell him. I appreciate you want his support, but i think under the circumstances you need to know first.

WB205020 · 15/07/2020 12:24

I agree with others......take the test then evaluate your options.

1 thing i would say, and i only say this as its similar to something that happened to a friend......if you have a termination and stay with him and there are any issues later down the line in getting pregnant the termination could crawl out of the woodwork. My friend had an early termination in her relationship. He knew about it though but they had fertility issues 2 years later when trying and ended up having IVF.

Its not a situation many find themselves in so giving advise isn't always easy but 1 thing you could do, if you do find yourself testing positive, is broach the subject.....ask what he would do if you fell pregnant this early in your relationship.....something like "could you imagine if i fell pregnant".....You will have your answer to some degree.

MsEllany · 15/07/2020 12:25

Also if I was in your boat I would terminate and I probably wouldn’t tell him.

WB205020 · 15/07/2020 12:28

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult
Of course a termination is a womans choice and yes, its only her decision to make but like with almost everything in life the choices we make have consequences. If OP had a termination and her partner found out later on, maybe if they were having problems conceiving, he is perfectly entitled to feel upset about it and even end the relationship. That doesn't make him a cunt!

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 15/07/2020 12:32

If he divorced the op after a 10 year relationship based on a termination she had 6 months into the relationship, it wouldn't exactly make him a good guy 🤷‍♀️ I'll have to agree to disagree with your POV there.

okiedokieme · 15/07/2020 12:32

Take the test alone. If it's possible think about how you feel, if it's that you want a termination then it's up to you if you tell him. If you are thinking more positively I suggest saying to him you might be pregnant and taking another test together. He then gets the potential excitement of the test.

piscean10 · 15/07/2020 12:42

Take it one step at a time. I think take the test and then decide then. It may be all this worry over nothing.

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