Does anyone still just want to get married and have babies?

[Toona]

Just something I was talking about with some friends today.

Most of our group are still unsure if they want any, or if they have had them, it's after they've ticked other things off the list.

I was a bit unusual as I had them younger than the rest, but I work with children, was the first to get married, and have never been ambitious, so got to that stage sooner I suppose. I definitely wanted to do a few things first though!

We were talking about how all our mothers were still quite young (60s) but even though they have all worked and done plenty of other things in their lives, they all seemed sure from their teen years that they wanted to get married and have kids, and if you go up a generation before that, our grandmothers would say things like "all I ever wanted was children"

We've never heard this from anyone recently, so came to the conclusion that 1)women who want the marriage and kids combo above all else are a bit wary of saying so, because people see that as a bit boring these days, or b) previous generations just said it because it was expected of them.

My best friend. She got pregnant in less than ideal circumstances and broke up with the dad after about a year. A couple of years later she's now happier than ever with a husband and another baby on the way. She's always wanted to be married and have babies since we were about 14

Well I am married and we did try for children but don't have them. To be honest, I am glad now. I know plenty of people who got married, had kids and are SAHP and seem very happy, but equally a lot more people are also happy to say they are child free by choice.

For example, I don't think my mum would have had children if it hadn't been so expected. She was unhappy when we were kids and very much has her own life now and I see her maybe every six months even though she lives 20 mins away. She isn't maternal but says back then you got married and had kids, once she was pregnant her boss effectively gave her a P45 and wished her luck. It would have been strange if she had said she wanted to go back.

I believe that a lot of people still do very much want that - and the statistics show that many people do that.

I think it’s more complex now as it’s harder to have the economic stability to do so - there are no such thing as ‘jobs for life’ as there were for some previous generations and the property ladder is harder to get on in large parts of the country. Also many households require two incomes to cover their outgoings compared to the traditional one income a few generations before. You also need to be in a job long enough to get decent maternity benefits etc (if they’re even offered). So it’s possibly harder to get your ducks in a row to have the financial stability people prefer to have when having children.

Also yes many people want to do things like travel or have a bit of fun before they settle down.

No. I don't want to get married. And I don't want any children.

I think it's a bit bizarre if getting married and having children is the only thing someone wants. I'm not ambitious either. I was always pretty sure I wanted dc and I didn't have particular life goals I wanted to tick off before (or after!) having them. I just went to university, got into the career I wanted, met dh (when I was 29), got married, had kids. Pretty normal really.

I don't think any of the women I know well were either all about having kids or all about career etc. They mostly thought they'd want them, and then had them once they'd got settled job-wise and relationship-wise.

I think a lot of women think that's all they want when they're fairly young, whether they vocalise it or not. Then they go ahead and get married and have kids and a fair few of them realise its not all its cracked up to be and that they are bored, underappreciated and stuck with most or all of the domestic labour and very little else.

I think much will depend on who you marry, how supportive they are of you both domestically and if you decide you want something more than having kids. If you're lucky enough to marry someone who supports you financially, emotionally and domestically, treats you as an equal, does their fair share in the home it may well be that you will never really yearn for more than that and fair enough.

But unfortunately a fairly large amount of men think getting married is carte blanche to shift all the domestic and child-rearing labour onto their partner and focus all their energies on work (or other things). At which point many self-respecting women think "sod this for a game of soldiers".

So I think its pretty unwise, from a self-preservation point of view, to put all your eggs into this basket. It's at best a lottery and you can't count on finding a husband who fits this bill. Which is why I would strongly recommend my daughter not do this and retain some financial independence.

Yes, I did. But in hindsight I wonder if it’s because I had such an unloving and awful childhood that I wanted to be part of a real, loving family. I am married to the love of my life and have my wonderful babies and it’s everything I wanted and more.

If I didn’t meet my DH though I don’t think I would have been able to settle though - so really it was a dream that fortunately came true. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with really really wanting to be a mother and knowing that’s what you want.

I suppose another factor is society and cultural expectations. A few generations ago women were expected to marry and have a family, that was just what you did as a woman. Maybe you worked but it wasn’t expected to be the focus of your life.

But nowadays women have more choice - yes there are still some traditional expectations but generally you can pursue a career or other interests outside of marriage and kids. It’s not a default option anymore. And women working more means more disposable income to pursue those choices, whereas previously you’d be tied to your husband financially.

In my early twenties I wasn’t too sure but part of that came from not being sure I’d meet anyone that I wanted to have children with. After I met my DH I knew I wanted to get married and have children but my career always remained important to me and even though it will now plateau for a bit (because moving up would involve longer hours) it’s still important to me

I always knew I wanted to get married and have children. For me on a personal level I know 100% if I didn't I would never have been happy. The two most important things to me were to get married and have children. To me that meant more to me than anything else

For our mums' generation, and even more so for our grandmothers', having children was a given and more or less the only option. Women were less likely to have careers so saying all they ever wanted was children is because other options werent really available to them. These days women want careers and other things as well as or instead of having children, so it's a more difficult decision about whether or when to have them.

@happymummy12345

Ha - I am not stalking you from the sweep thread but your comment expresses how I felt 100% (more succinctly than mine did!)

Me! My life ambition has always been to be a wife and mother. When I was younger I never knew what to say when people asked what I wanted to be when I was older. I never had any idea what I would like to do or to study. But I always felt that saying I wanted to be a mother was an unacceptable answer because we are brought up being told that we can have any career we want and women don't have to be chained to the kitchen sink etc. It's obviously true that a woman can go out and do any job she wants but I feel like those of us that are happy to be a mother and a wife and nothing more are made to feel ashamed.

I do actually work but I would give my job up in a heartbeat if I could. There's nothing I enjoy more than cooking, cleaning and dealing with the household admin.

Yup! My entire life. Not the only thing though. Compromises all the way.

Out of my female friends, a few feel strongly that they do but havn't got the partner/financial security so push it to the back of their minds, others are uncertain, a few just dont.

I've yet to meet anybody who just wants that, but most of my friends are really smart with lots of interests and haven't had hideous upbringings to make them want nothing but simplicity.

See, my mum would have been 76 this year, and she had plenty she wanted to do other than being married and having children. In fact she became a nun at one point, before deciding that she'd like children of her own (she was in a teaching order).
I wasn't sure at all if I ever wanted children until I was 30, and though I've been very happily married to DH for 23 years, it was never an ambition to be married - I'd never planned it or anything.

Yes, me. For as long as I can remember all I wanted was to get married and have a family. I grew up with very emotionally distant parents and had a very lonely, sad childhood. I desperately craved a family of my own.

As a PP said, I know I would never been truly happy if this hadn't happened. I'll be going back to worl once the youngest starts school, mostly to have some adult interaction with someone other than DH, but would be equally happy at home doing household chores and admin.

I think its an important distinction between wanting to get married and have children and only wanting to get married and have children. Most of my contemporaries wanted the former. Very few of them in fact none of them only wanted to get married and have children. I don't think I know anyone who only wanted this.

No, neither.

I did, I went to university and worked for a while, but all I ever wanted was to be married, have dc and be a sahm. Which I am , with 8 dc.

I didnt realise how much I wanted children until I fell pregnant at 21 and then lost the baby. I then desperately wanted a family and went on to have 3 when I was 24, 27 and 30. I have enjoyed every minute of it, they are now 25, 27 and 30 and although all in happy settled relationships there is no sign of wanting any children themselves. They are happy without and that is fine too.

I've always wanted children. Not fussed about marriage but perhaps I'd change my mind if I met someone I wanted to marry.

I think there is a bit of a hush hush about only aspiring to that these days, because it does sound boring in today's world where there is so much to experience. I'm late 20s by the way.

@AldiAisleofCrap 8!!! How do you do it?

I’m 31. Definitely want to get married, wedding booked for 2022. 100% do not want children.