Does anyone still just want to get married and have babies?

[Toona]

Just something I was talking about with some friends today.

Most of our group are still unsure if they want any, or if they have had them, it's after they've ticked other things off the list.

I was a bit unusual as I had them younger than the rest, but I work with children, was the first to get married, and have never been ambitious, so got to that stage sooner I suppose. I definitely wanted to do a few things first though!

We were talking about how all our mothers were still quite young (60s) but even though they have all worked and done plenty of other things in their lives, they all seemed sure from their teen years that they wanted to get married and have kids, and if you go up a generation before that, our grandmothers would say things like "all I ever wanted was children"

We've never heard this from anyone recently, so came to the conclusion that 1)women who want the marriage and kids combo above all else are a bit wary of saying so, because people see that as a bit boring these days, or b) previous generations just said it because it was expected of them.

I've never really wanted kids. I only want them when I get depressed, maybe because I feel it would fix something inside of me. Then when I cheer up, I don't want them anymore.

I'm not sure about marriage either. I'd be happy to get married but I could take it or leave it.

Yes when I was 10 it was all I wanted. By the time I was 35 I changed my mind a bit, mainly because it wasn't really on the horizon and I really loved my job and my hobbies and my life in London. Then I got pregnant. It's ok, three kids in five years later I am on the floor with exhaustion though. And my hobbies are dead. What you want isn't always the same as what you get.

I don't know anyone who only wants to be a mother and wife. Most people want something else besides.

Yes. We married at 18 and had 3 children. He died last year and I don’t really know what happens now

I think it’s more common than you think to still want a marriage and children. Sometimes just wanting that. When my friend had her first child she told me that she never knew what she wanted to do but she’s now realised that her life’s purpose is to be a mother. She works because she can’t afford not to. I have another friend who is very much no kids, no marriage ever. Even though we’re saying that women have more choice now, the second friend is the one that is questioned more on her choice more. Even if the first friend could afford to stop work and be a SAHM, she’d receive a lot less judgement than friend 2.

I think it’s expected that most women will be sort of in the middle. We’re still expected to want to pursue that traditional route but also carve ourselves a career. However, women will fall either end of that spectrum - some only ever wanted to be a mother and some never wanted to be a mother. With every possible combination between the two spectrums. As a society though, we expect everyone to subscribe to this new ‘norm’ that we all want to travel, have a career, get married, have 2 or 3 babies, let our career stall for a little bit, work part time, then go back full time when the kids are at school and try to pull back our career back on track.

I want to get married.
Have always known I never want children.

It’s all I ever wanted, and still want. But I’ve been single for over 6 years and I’m 34, I’m not feeling hopeful.

I’m in my thirties, always wanted to be married because I wanted my own family-my husband and me. After having a dreadful childhood inflicted on me by people who had no business breeding, I now choose peace and bliss. Staunchly childfree, and life is divine. I don’t place any value in selling labour or have any capitalist aspirations.

I think it's b) previous generations just said it because it was expected of them.

Even now a lot of people seem to think women who openly state that they don't want children are either weird or will change their mind.

I've always wanted them, but wanted to "tick things off the list" beforehand.

I also never wanted to end up financially dependent on a man after seeing how rubbish my best friends mum had it while we were growing up. So "just getting married and having babies" never seemed like an appealing option to me.

I don't want a partner, marriage or babies (though I do love MN) and over the years I've seen friends get their dream of marriage and babies, and other friends get one or the other, and others desperately long for both and get neither. And some although not many are similar to me and have opted out of children entirely. I'm the only one in most of my groups to actively refuse to look for a relationship though 😂 I'm thrilled for the friends who get what they longed for but my heart hurts for the ones who don't, usually through no fault of their own.

I wonder if it's an economic thing combined with us having a lot more freedom and choice than previous generations, and also combined with realising that finding love & having children are as much about luck as anything else?

It's definitely still expected though, barely a week goes past now without someone commenting that I should get my skates on to find a nice man to settle down with before it's too late to have babies (not envy). I'm 34!

Yes, it was important to me to get married and have children. Not so important to have them early etc, but I wouldnt have married DH if we hadn't been on the same page about starting no later than age 30.