Is 46/ 47 too late for first baby?

[Everythingnotsaved]

My friend really wants a baby & is nearly 46 & would probably be 47 by the time baby came. I always read really really different views on mumsnet about babies and pregnancy and age so thought I’d ask:

Yanbu- it’s too old
Yabu- it’s entirely possible

I am assuming shes looking at donor eggs but is it just about that - what about the child too with older parents? I don’t know what I think really.

Its not really anything to do with anyone else. Either she can get pregnant, wants to and does, or she cant and doesn't. Everyone is different, what is the point to put our opinions (and that is all they are) on someone else?

@babaindigosheep

I'd say yes..too old. I also don't see the point when you are using donor eggs and the child isn't biologically yours anyway. You've carried a baby, not your child.

I agree with @grumpyhoonmain, this is massively offensive!

My children are as much mine as if they came from my eggs. I carried them in my womb and my DH is their biological father. But even if they were adopted, or carried by a surrogate, they would still be my children! I can assure you that no normal mother would ever differentiate their children based on how they were created, or even how they were carried. Once you have children - however you achieved that wonderful scenario - the mechanics are irrelevant!

@lightsoul

Your genes don't dictate when you die hmm. Unfortunately, they don't make you impervious to disease or accident.

disobedienthamster disease or accident can happen at any age if you are fit and have a good life expectancy 47 is a perfectly reasonable age to have a baby.

Age is a fact, not a state of mind. The risk of many health issues increases with age, we've even seen this with coronavirus. If it were a perfectly reasonable age for a woman to have a baby, then she'd have the same chance of conceiving and carrying to term a healthy baby as a 27-year-old. She doesn't.

You don't control your own life expectancy, the risk of death increases with age. Even diseases like cancer. The biggest risk factor of developing it, above any other cause: age.

My father 'feels' about 45. He's 84. His body doesn't behave like a 45-year-old's anymore. Because it isn't.

What's the difference biologically for a first baby to the 17th child after a long life of sex before contraceptives?

The big difference is not so much biological, but regarding the wellbeing of the child. In the latter example, the child is part of a large family, and if something happened to the parents there would be lots of older siblings to lean on. If it's an only child, it's a huge burden that could cause lasting damage.

My children are as much mine as if they came from my eggs. I carried them in my womb and my DH is their biological father. But even if they were adopted, or carried by a surrogate, they would still be my children! I can assure you that no normal mother would ever differentiate their children based on how they were created, or even how they were carried. Once you have children - however you achieved that wonderful scenario - the mechanics are irrelevant!

They're not biologically yours. That's just a fact, no matter how offensive it is to you, though. Genetic conditions, etc are all directly effected by biology. The mechanics don't matter to biology, either, it just is.

@headlock

This is such a tough question. I feel for her and wonder why she is so late to have her first? Career, meeting the right man, infertility? It's so easy for people who already have children to say this it's too old (I agree) but this is her first and she obviously wants to be a Mum. We've all been there with that yearning feeling. I had mine late. First DD at 37 and then DS at 42. We didn't intend such a gap, that's just how it happened. We had given up on second but we're then so happy (and anxious because of age) to be able to give DD a sibling. But, we both find it hard going, is it because that's the norm or because we're older? Who knows?? We don't have anything to compare it to. I'm peri menopausal which doesn't help matters. I so wish we had had them younger but it's not like we can change that now. Someone else mentioned that people forget that babies grow! That's a very good point to make. Toddlers and kids are such hard work! Does your friend know anyone with young children? Perhaps she could spend some real time with them? So she can see the reality. I don't regret my kids even remotely but I do wish we were younger.

And this is interesting. I suppose it depends on individuals and what your lifestyles were like pre and post children.

I always wanted a family but didn't meet DH until mid 30s, and then found I had an early menopause so needed IVF etc. But we were sorted financially, so I could give up full time work, so being older had some good points.

We have honestly never felt 'old'. We had twins and I couldn't breastfeed so 4 hourly feeds were easy and they slept through quickly, so I think I had a cushy time of it when they were young. I really didn't find having babies (with no family support, and DH worked so I slept with the babies for the first 6 months) at all difficult. DD was easy but DS was very demanding - but I was a SAHM. I probably found it much easier than I would have in my 20s, or even my 30s.

But we are all different. There's no right or wrong.

@DisobedientHamster

My children are as much mine as if they came from my eggs. I carried them in my womb and my DH is their biological father. But even if they were adopted, or carried by a surrogate, they would still be my children! I can assure you that no normal mother would ever differentiate their children based on how they were created, or even how they were carried. Once you have children - however you achieved that wonderful scenario - the mechanics are irrelevant!

They're not biologically yours. That's just a fact, no matter how offensive it is to you, though. Genetic conditions, etc are all directly effected by biology. The mechanics don't matter to biology, either, it just is.

I never said they were biologically mine (although I think you mean they aren't genetically mine, if we're going to be picky).

Not sure what your point is?

btw - Conditions are 'affected' not 'effected' by biology, if we're being really pedantic......

Thanks @grumpyhoonmain - yes I think there may well be!

I have a friend who had her first and only child at 48. Her DH was older again. Her DD has some additional needs and it has been hard for her. I think it's very late and comes with a lot of risk for all involved.
It is no reflection on their ability to parent, it just comes with a other risks and issues.

What many of them might not know is that the risk of mental health problems for offspring increases with paternal age. Personally I wouldn't reproduce with any man older than early 40s. agree with this. Personally I think of the woman is healthy enough to carry and reproduce then she’s young enough to have the baby. Many women have had babies for hundreds of years in their 40s.

However men over 50. Big NO.

There's definitely a rule against personal attacks in that vein, Grumpy, pretty clear in the Talk Guidelines.

Children who are the result of egg donation are not genetically the carrier's (except if the donor is also the carrier), toner, no matter how offensive fact my be.

Definitely too old. So selfish on her part

She would be very very lucky to get pregnant without an egg donor.

I think it's bordering on too old especially if she isn't sure.

But I wouldn't judge, and I don't understand comments like this made by pps

I want to be young and a helpful part of my future grandchildren’s lives.

We'd all like to be young but if you aren't, you aren't. It's not like there is a choice between having a baby at 47, or using a time machine and going back and having one younger instead.

my husband spent most of his childhood being embarrassed about his “old “ parents

Are you saying your husband is so embarrassed he'd rather not exist?!

Definitely too old.

To those questioning why I have posted on mumsnet about this- that’s literally what mumsnet is for 🤷🏻‍♀️ Anonymous debate and discussion. The replies are really interesting and with over 1400 votes, 76% think it’s too old which is interesting.

And someone asked why I hadn’t posted my views- ultimately I will support my friend in whatever she decides. I have wanted to say to her that I think she’s wasted a lot of time in indecision & has taken for granted that she still will be able to have kids- donor eggs or not.

Definitely too old. The mum would be 50 when the child started nursery.

Bad idea--energy goes down fast as you age. Older kids are a pain in the ass and need a lot of it.

@Everythingnotsaved

To those questioning why I have posted on mumsnet about this- that’s literally what mumsnet is for 🤷🏻‍♀️ Anonymous debate and discussion. The replies are really interesting and with over 1400 votes, 76% think it’s too old which is interesting.

And someone asked why I hadn’t posted my views- ultimately I will support my friend in whatever she decides. I have wanted to say to her that I think she’s wasted a lot of time in indecision & has taken for granted that she still will be able to have kids- donor eggs or not.

Maybe discuss that the indecision might be for a good reason.

Of course she has free choice but I would definitely be leaving the holiday brochures or something lying around.
My friend was a bit on the fence and then decided she wanted children. It never happened but she’s intrinsically a bit selfish. The sacrifices children demand of you wouldn’t have worked for her especially at nearly 50. She’s very happy without them.

I had my one and only at 42 and have family members who had their first babies at at 43 and 45.

We're all fit and healthy. Children are all fit and healthy. I don't feel any more tired than any other mum. (Probably less tired as I had an easy baby - slept through from 2 weeks so I had no sleepless nights.)

Most people are surprised when they find out how old I am.

I actually look at some of the younger mums at the school gate and think they are mad for having children so young 🤷‍♀️

Each to their own.

Who knows when I'll drop dead? It could be in 40 years, it could be next week.

OP - if your friend can support, love and afford a child, yes she should go ahead.

@headlock everyone is different and every baby is different. I became a mother older than you and know other older mothers in their 40s as well as younger mothers. Some find it hard and some find it easier regardless of age and circumstances.

Add in menopause with young child, not fair on either of them.

DD and I are going through puberty and menopause at the same time. We just laugh, yell and cry at our hormones together

I am 56 with a 15yo, I think she'd manage although it would be exhausting. I wish her all the best!