Rejected again, does he not fancy me?

[Tooashamedandembarassed]

NC for this. DD is 16 months. Sex has been horribly painful since she was born but slowly improving overtime. Was meant to see physio but covid put that on hold. Finally been feeling a bit more keen and enjoying sex. Hav have approached OH four time’s this week. Every time I’ve been turned down. He said he was tired, he was working (from home and we were having lunch together whilst DD napped), he wanted to watch a film and now I’ve just got DD down for her nap he says he’s on the middle of a computer game and can’t stop playing.

I’m embarrassed and feel obviously that he’s not prioritising sex . Is he getting it somewhere else or have I done something wrong. He says he fancies me and fancies sex but honestly it’s probably been six weeks or so. I want to cry but feel too hurt to do so 😢 I am also raging honestly on the inside , can’t believe he’s just told me he can’t stop a bloody video game. Then said “oh are you disappointed?” And kept playing 😢 Have I simply married a twat? I’m too embarrassed to even mention this to any friends in real life 😭😭😭

Yes. You've married a twat.

Honestly we’ve got a good relationship most of the time but this really makes me question, should I be asking for divorce? I feel utterly humiliated. I’m of half a mind to go back to the bedroom (where he’s sat playing video games) and tell him how much he’s hurt me. I feel I never want to have sex again with him. AIBu or is this hormones?

There are tons of women here who are often not in a mood for sex so I am sure they will explain from that partner's side that it really doesn't have to mean that he doesn't fancy you or has elsewhere. Sometimes people just don't feel like it for weeks. It's a stressful time, isn't it.

Partner is not a twat for not wanting sex at times...

Yeh loads of women don’t want sex and if it was a man saying he had tried to have sex with his wife 4 times this week and has been rejected each time people would be labelling him all sorts of unpleasant names! I guess men are not allowed to not want sex, only women

Thank you, I generally would feel not so critical but that he actually told me he couldn’t stop the video game and we have been talking about wanting to have more sex lately 😢 and then mocked me about being disappointed 😭

With a 16 month old I'm impressed even you want it! I think the issue is more the way he said it?

Tell him it upset you and have intimate time just cuddling.

How old is your OH and what's his libido like generally?

If sex has been painful for you since giving birth perhaps he's afraid of hurting you.

He is 36. He knows sex has been painful but it has gotten better the last few time’s we have done it just going slow and using lots of lube definitely the way he said it, “I’m playing a game, I cant stop it now very easily” I just feel so humiliated. I see him look at other wormen too so perhaps it is just me who he doesn’t fancy anymore . He never tries it on, I thought he was just being gentle given how uncomfortable sex has been for me but now I wonder if he simply doesn’t fancy me or is getting sex elsewhere

Jumping straight to divorce seems drastic. Talk to each other for goodness sake.

He is not being unreasonable about not being in the mood

How he did it was shitty, mocking you is hard to forgive tbh

I think yabu. It took you 16 months to finally feel confident, but you expect it now just because you are ready?
He can decline for whatever reason he wants.

So he never initiates? Has he always been like that?

You two definitely need a clear conversation.

You need to talk to him, not us.

He is NBU (nor a twat) to not want sex, and you are NBU to want it, but there's clearly a mismatch of libido here.

You need to talk to him - outside of the bedroom, in a place where sex is off the table! - and tell him how you feel and ask what's going on with him.

If his libido has been fine before then you need to find out what's wrong.

Isn't thinking of divorce a tad dramatic? Or jumping to the conclusion he's getting it from somewhere else?
You need to chat with him. He isn't a twat for not wanting sex.

Thank you. He initiated before DD but hasn’t done since. I reckon because he is not wanting me to feel pressurised especially when we realised how painful sex became for me. We talked recently about wanting to do it more, he said to just say to him when I’m ready but now he keeps saying no. I understand he has that right but to be so rude to say he can’t because a bloody video game is crushing me. I always had a higher libido before we were pregnant and he has said now he wishes we could have more sex. But now he says no when I Try to initiate 😔

I think some posters are confusing not being in the mood with deliberately humiliating your partner.

I believe this is a really normal experience for men. They would be accused of feeling "entitled".

I'd be pretty hurt and wondering about compatibility in the same situation - over a game ffs! But I actually think many marriages can lapse into such casually insulting behaviour over time. It doesn't have to be terminal. Have you been rejecting him a lot? He may just be having a little dig back.

Yes that’s it, I’ve never seen him be so spiteful it makes me feel he’s enjoying being so in control or something

No I haven’t been rejecting him, he never tried it on (hasn’t since DD was born or even during pregnancy), so been two years since he’s even tried to initiate with me .

Why are you so fixated on the game? Does it really matter what he was doing?

The thing is OP. Was he rude and mocking you or did he just state he can't pause it and you in your current feelings to it way too personally...

I agree with others. You need to talk to him.

I think you are looking to be offended. It doesnt matter that he was In the middle of a game, he could have been doing the garden and it still wasn't a good time.
Your other examples are also perfectly good reasons for him saying no as well. During a working day, just because hes wfh?
I think you need to have a discussion about this before hand and about how you feel. Not looking to feel offended, just because you approached him right at that second and he said no.

I don’t feel he was mocking or humiliating you, I think that’s your perception of it because you feel embarrassed at being rejected.

Sounds like you expect him to drop whatever he's doing to have sex with you.

Are you trying to initiate sex at night when you're in bed or just random times of the day when you want it and it's convenient for you?

How are you initating it? It sounds like you're just verbally suggesting it at random times? which wouldn't feel very sexy to me.

I have tried twice at night and twice during the day. I am knackered TBh (ITu nurse) so he knows I’m often early to bed at night. Daytime or lunchtime sex would not be so unheard of for us as I’m often awake then (unless coming off a night shift) . I just feel so humiliated he’s never said no I’m in the middle of a game I can’t stop it now. FFS it’s a bloody game and he’s been saying he’d like to have more sex ?