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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Rejected again, does he not fancy me?

57 replies

Tooashamedandembarassed · 12/07/2020 13:09

NC for this. DD is 16 months. Sex has been horribly painful since she was born but slowly improving overtime. Was meant to see physio but covid put that on hold. Finally been feeling a bit more keen and enjoying sex. Hav have approached OH four time’s this week. Every time I’ve been turned down. He said he was tired, he was working (from home and we were having lunch together whilst DD napped), he wanted to watch a film and now I’ve just got DD down for her nap he says he’s on the middle of a computer game and can’t stop playing.

I’m embarrassed and feel obviously that he’s not prioritising sex . Is he getting it somewhere else or have I done something wrong. He says he fancies me and fancies sex but honestly it’s probably been six weeks or so. I want to cry but feel too hurt to do so 😢 I am also raging honestly on the inside , can’t believe he’s just told me he can’t stop a bloody video game. Then said “oh are you disappointed?” And kept playing 😢 Have I simply married a twat? I’m too embarrassed to even mention this to any friends in real life 😭😭😭

OP posts:

Neron · 12/07/2020 13:52

You really need to be speaking to him and not MN. Now you're saying he's possibly controlling you by refusing sex? Do you not see this isn't right?

mrsmuddlepies · 12/07/2020 13:55

is it the case that you haven't had sex for two years? He may well feel completely rejected and scared of having sex again in case it hurts you. Two years is a long time and he may feel anxious about the whole thing.

Original poster

Tooashamedandembarassed · 12/07/2020 14:01

No we have had sex, but really only a few times since DD was born (maybe 10?) it’s just that he never initiated since I got pregnant. I feel maybe he doesn’t fancy my mum figure ?

I don’t know how to talk to him about this, he’s always had difficulty taking about sex (religious family and they never talked about it, my mum is a midwife and talked about everything with me)

OP posts:

MsEllany · 12/07/2020 14:01

I'm sorry you're upset but I'm really not seeing the issue here?

He's not been up for it at the exact time you have. That's normal?

What game was he playing? Was he chatting with mates? Lots of games you can't just exit out of, it's also not a crime to not be able to immediately want to switch from a shoot-em-up into romancing your wife.

BluebellForest836 · 12/07/2020 14:01

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong. He’s doing something and can’t pause at that moment.

Pesimistic · 12/07/2020 14:04

When my fiance tries it on when I'm in the middle of something its realy annoying actualy(I'm pregnant so probably finding it more annoying than I normaly would), it might work some times, but if theres no build up I'm not in the mood generally. There needs to be a build up, perhaps that's it.

CazzaCat · 12/07/2020 14:06

@Tooashamedandembarassed how long have you been together? As a woman there are loads of reasons I wouldn’t be up for having sex right at that moment.

Not all men are ready to go just because you say you are either. Was he really mocking you or was it a bit of couples banter?

AlternativePerspective · 12/07/2020 14:06

So you haven’t had sex for two years and he hasn’t felt he can initiate it because it’s been painful for you and now you feel that he should just be up for it when you tell him it’s time?

TBH I think not having sex for two years you get out of the habit of doing it. It will have lost its spontaneity because it is no longer a part of your relationship.

You need to talk to each other. It’s perfectly fine for him to be playing a video game and not want to stop to have sex just because that’s being demanded of him.

But you need to realise that your sex life isn’t going to just click back into place. You almost need to start from scratch now. Do things together, have a cuddle, go out for dinner if you can get a babysitter. Spend time just the two of you and build up to it from there.

It’s not likely to happen that there has been no sex and suddenly sex is back on the table. He’s not felt he could initiate sex for two years. He probably doesn’t feel like sex is really a part of the marriage any more, and he’d be right.

So you need to start again, not just think “ah, DD is down for a nap, I’ll go and suggest we have sex now.” TBH I would say no then as well...

forgetthehousework · 12/07/2020 14:08

You do sound as if you expect him to drop whatever he's doing, because you are ready right now.
Sometimes men do seem to be in a totally different zone, so maybe your timing is off - yes I know you said you've tried at night to but hey, he could actually have been tired you know.

Instead of just saying "He says he'd like more sex" why not have a date night?

Original poster

Tooashamedandembarassed · 12/07/2020 14:15

We have been together for ten years. We talked about finding more time to do it, he suggested when DD was napping as I’m often too knackered after work . So I’m feeling even more baffled now

OP posts:

Melonslicexx · 12/07/2020 14:16

Sex is a funny thing after children. Me and my partner have not been near eachother for months. Which is basically because I've been anemic and exhausted. I have horrible periods. Our kids don't sleep and we usually all crash into bed around 10pm. It's not healthy to done. But for us it's how life is now.

It seems abit like he's avoiding it. Perhaps he worries he will hurt you. Perhaps the baby waking up makes him feel funny. Perhaps he's down? Perhaps it's not you at all and he's just not happy.

Try and watch films together or chat more. Gaming is an issue when grown ups get addicted during family hours. He needs to focus on you more.

I hope you get sorted but try and look into his issue abit.

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2020 14:18

@Tooashamedandembarassed

We have been together for ten years. We talked about finding more time to do it, he suggested when DD was napping as I’m often too knackered after work . So I’m feeling even more baffled now

You're baffled because you wanted sex and he didn't?

It's got nothing to do with the game. If he was in the mood he would've stopped playing.

Imagine if you were Mumsnetting and he walked up to you wanting sex and you weren't in the mood?

Ok he probably should've been honest but since you seem to take it to heart, perhaps he thought "I can't stop playing" rather than "I'm not in the mood right now", would make you take it less personally?

Velvian · 12/07/2020 14:48

I feel for you, op. You've had a pretty serious birth injury, have been finding sex painful and you are still making an effort. You sound like a pretty committed partner to me.

The changes that your body goes through in pregnancy and childbirth (leaving aside the injury) can seriously Sent your body confidence, so it is totally unsurprising to me that you would take this to heart. We also still live in a society (if you like in the UK) where women are meant to be permanently alluring in their appearance and sexually subservient. So you are not weird for feeling like this, nor is it surprising that you would have a different reaction to a man.

Velvian · 12/07/2020 14:49

dent your body confidence.

h3av3n · 12/07/2020 14:58

Most video games these days you genuinely can't just stop unless you want to waste all the effort you've spent on it and even affect future games, if it's an online game it can't just be paused...

Original poster

Tooashamedandembarassed · 12/07/2020 15:01

Thank you Velviam, that’s exactly it. I haven’t even had the courage to look down there since DD was born. Not to mention my mum tum and Deformed and lopsided - saggy BF norks. I toldOH my feelings were hurt, he was upset with me and said he felt it was unfair. He thought I said I would be going to the shops after puttingDD down so didn’t want to wait around for me. He said I’m always so tired and it doesn’t feel fair to him that I’m allowed to be tired and sleep and he’s not allowed to play video games when he wants. I don’t understand, I’m a bloody ITu nurse of course I’m knackered, I feel that’s completely different than wanting to have time to himself to play a video game FFS? Or AIBU?

OP posts:

RUOKHon · 12/07/2020 15:12

It’s fine for him to not want sex but it’s not very fair or considerate of him to just reject you out of hand like that. He says he wants more sex but he never initiates it and never takes you up on it when you offer. His actions are inconsistent with his words and you need a conversation to find out why.

MulticolourMophead · 12/07/2020 15:22

@Tooashamedandembarassed

No we have had sex, but really only a few times since DD was born (maybe 10?) it’s just that he never initiated since I got pregnant. I feel maybe he doesn’t fancy my mum figure ?

I don’t know how to talk to him about this, he’s always had difficulty taking about sex (religious family and they never talked about it, my mum is a midwife and talked about everything with me)

I'm guessing the game is the current focus of your feelings because it's something easy to focus on. And you've initiated at different times of the day, so it's not the game that's the real issue.

He has a low libido and comes from a religious family. He hasn't initiated anything since you became pregnant. I wonder if it's worth you googling Madonna/Whore complex?

Given that he mocked you, I wouldn't be bothering to initiate anything now. Although I would insist on a proper talk to clear the air.

Ultimately, though, he's entitled to not want sex, in the same way that MN advises women that they don't have to have sex they don't want. you'll have to decide whether it's a dealbreaker for you.

sageandroses · 12/07/2020 15:28

He's entitled to refuse sex no matter what he's doing. If a man had posted this he'd be absolutely torn to shreds for not understanding his wife wasn't always in the mood, that she doesn't have to stop something important to her just to please him, etc.

However there is obviously a need for a conversation given the wider details you have provided.

Deadringer · 12/07/2020 15:41

I would assume that he is avoiding sex because he know's it has been painful for you. If you know this isn't the case, then perhaps there is an issue. I don't agree with pp that you initiating sex when it suits then being disappointed when he turns you down would be the same if the sexes were reversed. You have been through a long period where sex was pretty much off the table for you due to pain, and i don't see why you can't expect him to be enthusiastic now that you are recovering. If my dh had a medical condition that stopped us having sex for 16 months, then he told me he was recovered and raring to go, bloody right i would show enthusiasm, even if i was in the middle of an episode of coronation street.

SonsofMitches · 12/07/2020 16:02

I'd be pissed off with you if I were him too when your reasons not to want sex are completely fine and fine but his aren't good enough and you then sulk and tell him he's upset you.

RUOKHon · 12/07/2020 16:11

I would assume that he is avoiding sex because he know's it has been painful for you

But that doesn’t make any sense because she’s telling him it’s now okay and she wants to do it. And if so, why doesn’t he just say?

MulticolourMophead · 12/07/2020 16:16

@RUOKHon

I would assume that he is avoiding sex because he know's it has been painful for you

But that doesn’t make any sense because she’s telling him it’s now okay and she wants to do it. And if so, why doesn’t he just say?

It also doesn't make sense because he stopped initiating anything when she got pregnant.

RUOKHon · 12/07/2020 16:18

Yes, that too Multicolour

Original poster

Tooashamedandembarassed · 12/07/2020 19:56

Thank you, yes, we have had sex but only at my initiation. I suffered a miscarriage before DD so I reckon we were both quite nervous for sex whilst pregnant, I think OH left it up to me as to when we should have sex. But if I’m honest I gained quite a bit of weight and he really didn’t find me attractive. I remember my third trimester hormones were mad and I was quite keen all the bloody time and he was always saying no I fear he’s just not fancying me any longer.

OP posts:

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