Rejected again, does he not fancy me?

[Tooashamedandembarassed]

NC for this. DD is 16 months. Sex has been horribly painful since she was born but slowly improving overtime. Was meant to see physio but covid put that on hold. Finally been feeling a bit more keen and enjoying sex. Hav have approached OH four time’s this week. Every time I’ve been turned down. He said he was tired, he was working (from home and we were having lunch together whilst DD napped), he wanted to watch a film and now I’ve just got DD down for her nap he says he’s on the middle of a computer game and can’t stop playing.

I’m embarrassed and feel obviously that he’s not prioritising sex . Is he getting it somewhere else or have I done something wrong. He says he fancies me and fancies sex but honestly it’s probably been six weeks or so. I want to cry but feel too hurt to do so 😢 I am also raging honestly on the inside , can’t believe he’s just told me he can’t stop a bloody video game. Then said “oh are you disappointed?” And kept playing 😢 Have I simply married a twat? I’m too embarrassed to even mention this to any friends in real life 😭😭😭

I come at this differently as I have been there. This is how it started with my ex, he was always doing something vitally important or too tired. It ended up in a dead bedroom.

No one has to have sex they don't want obvuously, but at the same time I think it is then fairly normal after numerous rejections to wonder if it is you.

I suspect he maybe stopped thinking sexually because he didn't want to pressure you and now it has flipped that part of him off. Or maybe the sexual feelings have changed since you became a mother or, now he associates sex with hurting you.

There are a variety of reasons why people can go off sex. That is fine, but the issues set in when the other person won't discuss it. That was what ended my marriage (well and the cheating). I am also a very sexual person and it is an important part of my relationship so long term, I couldn't stay married to someone with a very low libido.

You have a few choices here and I am not saying any are better than others. The first one is to try talking to him again, not after he has declined, but when you are both relaxed and not in the middle of stuff. Asking him if he feels desire in general, what time of the day works better for him, how often he would prefer sex roughly.

The second is some form of counselling, together and alone. The third is giving up on sex and waiting for him to initiate and seeing how often that is. The final is obviously splitting up.

Thank you BarbedBloom, I do fear a dead bedroom or what might come after that. Thank you for sharing your expeirence and advise here. I hope you have found a better partner now?

I think if you were a man you would be being torn to shreds on here. You expect your husband to have sex with you whenever you want and get upset when it doesnt happen but when it's the other way round and he wants sex, it's completely fine that you don't. Everyone has the right to say no.

OP, my DH refused to have sex with me by the time I was 16 weeks pregnant and starting to form a solid bump!

I have also been where you are. I just gave it time and it’s sorted itself out somehow, on its own. Oddly, I think scheduling it in and making time for it in advance is what has worked for us. Not sexy, but it’s made it easier; sometimes having an organised sex life is the only way when you have children!

I’ve had relationships with gamers and they get very engrossed. I can’t think it would be an easy switch from that to sex. It sounds like a bad time to ask.
For me, sex tends to follow some kind of couple time - watching a film together, having a chat, date night. Do you do any of that stuff together?

Thank you. Yes we had been for a walk with DD and fed her lunch, I mentioned I was quite keen. I also said I would go to the shops later but he thought I meant right away, said he through id be out rather than home and keen. We haven’t had much couple time TBH, been so busy with work and DD I’m absolutely knackered, I’m lucky to stay awake through a programme or film, not to mentions staying awake afterwards for sex I do appreciate these suggestions. I reckon I thought of a game as just something to be turned off and back on again.

Oh OP I really do feel for you, having a baby can massively change the way you see yourself and effect your confidence so you’re probably more sensitive to him turning you down.

Maybe it’s the fact that sex isn’t as spontaneous as it once was that is just not getting him in the mood. Because of the issues you’ve had, he has to be more gentle and maybe he’s just overthinking it which is a major passion killer. I really think you just need to sit him down and tell him how you’re feeling.