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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel envious

59 replies

NiknicK · 12/07/2020 09:28

So a friend of mine told me last night that her parents are having her 3 children for the entire 6 week summer holidays and are taking them on holiday for 3 of those weeks. I’m happy for my friend that she’ll get to relax and enjoy having some time to herself and with her DH but wow I’m so jealous. I have 2 dc and my parents wouldn’t so much as mind them for a couple of hours so that me and my dh could go out for dinner, never mind take them on holiday or have them in the summer holidays while me and their dad work. Before I get flamed I realise that it’s not my DP’s job to have my kids, but I can’t help feel a bit sad when I see my friends children getting to have quality time with their grandparents when mine don’t get the same, and my friend getting a well deserved break, which I feel me and dh never get. I’m exhausted and come September after six months of WFH and home schooling I’ll be even more a wreck.

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 12/07/2020 10:09

Why wouldn’t your parents have them even for a few hours? Have you asked them and they’ve said no?

Zoeyclash · 12/07/2020 10:14

That might sound lovely initially but I don't think I'd like anyone, even grandparents, to take my children on holidays for three weeks. It's a very long time not seeing them. Now, if anyone was offering to mind them for a full weekend so me and DH coukd get a bit of peace and quiet, I'd bite their hand off!!!!

Try not to feel jealous. As I've read on here so many times "comparison is the thief of joy". It's so true.

lockdownalli · 12/07/2020 10:14

How old are these kids?

I would have rather sawn my own arm off than be separated from my children for six weeks when they were school age.

Why do your parents refuse to have your DC so you and DH can go out do you think? Is there anyone else you can ask?

GinDrinker00 · 12/07/2020 10:31

Know this feeling oh so well! My parents are retired and have plenty of space for DC to visit and stay. They’ve had them once in 5 years because I had a operation, soon as I was recovered and feeling more human they couldn’t return them fast enough. 😳
GP on the other side never offer to have them either, my DC asked to go round for a few hours and they had all their excuses ready “oh I’m tired though” yet they don’t really do anything to be tired from. 😂🤦🏻‍♀️
life hey?

Original poster

NiknicK · 12/07/2020 10:34

I have a number of theories why I think my DP’s won’t mind them. Well to be fist they’d only need to mind my youngest as my eldest is almost 18. Youngest ds does have autism but when he’s been left with other family members (very occasionally) he’s been absolutely fine. I have asked my parents to mind dc in the past and they made it clear they won’t have them just so me and dh can have a night off but say they’ll happily mind them if we are stuck when it comes to appointments, parents evening, dentist etc. But when I have asked them when I’ve been stuck they either say yes but then have a way of making me feel guilty like oh he’ll (my ds) have to be good, or oh he won’t come to our house (rubbish) or they’ll say how busy they are and list a load of jobs that they just have to do there and then but they might be able to squeeze us in. Other than that they’ll just say no. Me and my brother were talking about our parents a while back and the fact they have never helped him our either. Brother said it’s like they don’t want us to have a life and that just because we have kids we aren’t allowed to enjoy ourselves occasionally without them. I thought about it and it kind of rang true. They’re always saying things like oh kids are for life you know, you can’t expect to go out (at all) when they’re little (my dc aren’t little). Funny really as my parents went out at least 3/4 times a month when I was little and we were “palmed off” on our grandparents. Think they have conveniently chosen to forget that though.

OP posts:

Original poster

NiknicK · 12/07/2020 10:35

Oh and don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t dream of letting anyone Take my dc for 8 weeks lol. But a night or two once a year god yes!

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 12/07/2020 10:37

I don’t really understand this, you’re adults. Find childcare if you wish to go out like everyone else. And personally I’d hate someone to take my child for six weeks and to take them on holiday, that’s my job.

Original poster

NiknicK · 12/07/2020 10:40

We’ve tried childcare before and hired babysitters and it was a disaster. My youngest is autistic and doesn’t cope well being left with strangers and the last time we tried it we managed an hour if that before the babysitter phoned us and we had to come home.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 12/07/2020 10:42

How old is your youngest.? Is there no current child care providers who can help out? What about your eighteen year old

formerbabe · 12/07/2020 10:43

And personally I’d hate someone to take my child for six weeks and to take them on holiday

Really?! I'd fucking love it after months of lockdown, 24/7 without a bloody break. I'd be packing them off quite frankly.

piscean10 · 12/07/2020 10:43

My dm wont have DC and so wont the in laws but I'm absolutely ok with that. I honestly feel that they have done their part in raising kids so I dont have any expectations for them to do that. Off course minding them for a day is the least they can do but I really think overnights and long holidays is something that wouldnt even cross my mind. I also think children today require alot more than how I was raised so I can see why gp may not want to do it.

dimsumdiddly · 12/07/2020 10:45

If your eldest is almost 18 can't you pay them to mind the youngest occasionally?

Anyway I know that's not really the point of the thread. My mum and dad have had ds overnight once and that was because he asked them why he didn't stay overnight with them like "other grandparents do"
They don't offer, ever. I've accepted it now and don't particularly need them for childcare but it does hurt because you feel like grandparents should want to do this, don't you?

Fedup21 · 12/07/2020 10:45

I would hate someone to take my kids for 6 weeks. Are both of the children’s parents working full time over the summer?

bettsbattenburg · 12/07/2020 10:45

That wouldn't happen here, the summer holidays are my time with my children, 6 weeks is far too long. I know some people struggle with child care but two adults must surely be able to manage some of the summer holidays themselves.

youhave4substitutes · 12/07/2020 10:46

Why can't the 18 year old look after his brother? Sounds like you're being a bit of a martyr tbh

LouiseTrees · 12/07/2020 10:48

Why don’t you ask your brother to take the youngest? Or ... lie to your parents... tell them because of the home schooling etc the place is a tip and you are going to need time to clean it, then pay a cleaner or just tidy really fast and actually go out. That way they can’t mind at your house if it’s your house. If they say well I’ll help clean or something tell them that no this is on you and you intend to fix it. Or tell them you have both been called into work. I know I shouldn’t be advocating that but just because they guilt trip you when you ask doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask when you feel it’s needed.

LouiseTrees · 12/07/2020 10:50

@youhave4substitutes

Why can't the 18 year old look after his brother? Sounds like you're being a bit of a martyr tbh

Fair point that I completely missed. Definitely pay the older one.

Bluntness100 · 12/07/2020 10:50

Why can't the 18 year old look after his brother

Yes I’m curious about this.

TooGood2BeTrue · 12/07/2020 10:52

I can somewhat relate to this. The longest my PILs have had our kids (6 and 9) for was 2 days. In total (pre-Covid) we'd get about 4 or 5 nights without the kids from them in a year. Since lockdown we haven't seen them at all because one of them is shielding and won't even meet us in the garden now. The kids have actually stopped talking about them, which is sad. My mum would have them more often, but she lives too far away and I don't agree with her (grand)parenting style (she is very short-tempered and has a strange thing of what is important, she insisted for example that a 19 year old car seat was safe for my newborn DD to travel in). I think you just have to accept it and substitute for the lack of time your children are getting from your parents. It sounds like you are more on a wavelength with your brother, so maybe you can help each other out instead?

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2020 10:55

I agree with others. I think your eldest doing the odd spot of babysitting is the answer here.

cptartapp · 12/07/2020 10:55

Four or five nights a year!!??
We had that in 15 years. My DM never ever had them overnight. She lived ten minutes away.
Now teens we're beholden to no-one. Everything comes at a price.

formerbabe · 12/07/2020 10:57

in total (pre-Covid) we'd get about 4 or 5 nights without the kids from them in a year

This is quite a lot I think.

My parents are dead but would have been involved gps. My mil is useless, if she never saw us or the kids again, I doubt she'd give a shit. Lockdown was interesting as it made me realise she is irrelevant to our lives really, especially when hearing about how other grandparents and grandchildren were missing each other. Her loss, I'm a nice person, if she was too, I'd have been the kind of dil who would have done a lot for her. You reap what you sow.

billy1966 · 12/07/2020 10:57

OP, I can certainly understand your envy when your parents have so obviously chosen to give you the bare minimum in support.

I would certainly have reminded them of the support your grandparents gave them.

I understand that grandparents may not wish to be on constant call for babysitting but it is vastly different to do the odd night, particularly when you have an autistic son.

I certainly wouldn't have liked my children going away for 6 weeks, would miss them too much.....but a night or two would have been a treat.
It never happened for us either but I didn't dwell on it and they were always in bed early which meant we had downtime.

Your parents sound selfish, and I can certainly understand that when it comes to them needing help, you would be entitled to be similarly militant in your involvement with them!

I don't understand parents who would watch a child struggle and tell them to suck it up.

I also do not believe grandparents should feel obligated to provide endless weekly childcare.

Wishing you well OP

Original poster

NiknicK · 12/07/2020 10:58

I’m not being a martyr at all. Why would I want to play that card? Me and dh have always said once our eldest is 18 we’ll try leaving him with his brother, starting off for an hour or two during the day and work up to as few hours of an evening. But until he’s 18 and legally and adult I don’t feel comfortable with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

NiknicK · 12/07/2020 11:01

And don’t forget it’s a bit different when your dc has special needs. If he didn’t have SN I’d have probably been happy to leave him with his brother a bit earlier. But I can’t just make the same decisions that I had the luxury of making when it came to my eldest. He used to stay at his aunties years back as he has cousins the same age and we took it turns so me dh and his sister and brother in laws could have some time to ourselves. The situation is completely different though now.

OP posts:

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