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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel envious

59 replies

NiknicK · 12/07/2020 09:28

So a friend of mine told me last night that her parents are having her 3 children for the entire 6 week summer holidays and are taking them on holiday for 3 of those weeks. I’m happy for my friend that she’ll get to relax and enjoy having some time to herself and with her DH but wow I’m so jealous. I have 2 dc and my parents wouldn’t so much as mind them for a couple of hours so that me and my dh could go out for dinner, never mind take them on holiday or have them in the summer holidays while me and their dad work. Before I get flamed I realise that it’s not my DP’s job to have my kids, but I can’t help feel a bit sad when I see my friends children getting to have quality time with their grandparents when mine don’t get the same, and my friend getting a well deserved break, which I feel me and dh never get. I’m exhausted and come September after six months of WFH and home schooling I’ll be even more a wreck.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2020 11:02

@NiknicK

I’m not being a martyr at all. Why would I want to play that card? Me and dh have always said once our eldest is 18 we’ll try leaving him with his brother, starting off for an hour or two during the day and work up to as few hours of an evening. But until he’s 18 and legally and adult I don’t feel comfortable with it.

Why ever not?

Do they not get on very well?

Bubbletrouble43 · 12/07/2020 11:03

If the older is 17 and sensible he can babysit for a couple hours. I was babysitting for pay at 15 and my friends occasionally leaves their 3 yo twins ( when they are sleeping) with her 15 year old so they can go out for a meal / cinema.

Bubbletrouble43 · 12/07/2020 11:05

I do see your point about SN though. It's your call, you know your kids.

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2020 11:05

Sorry, X posted.

In that case, perhaps your parents just can't handle your youngest?

From what you've said about them saying 'He'll have to be good' etc and the 'disaster' with the babysitter. If his adult brother (who presumably lives with him) can't manage, perhaps your parents can't either?

diddl · 12/07/2020 11:09

"Brother said it’s like they don’t want us to have a life and that just because we have kids we aren’t allowed to enjoy ourselves occasionally without them."

Then perhaps you & your brother should have each others kids from time to time?

Were your parents always "having a life" & leaving you with GPs?

Original poster

NiknicK · 12/07/2020 11:09

Yeah I’d totally believe that excuse to if it wasn’t for the fact when my DP have had my ds they always say how great he’s been. The comment about having to be good is because he doesn’t go to their house very often and is fascinated by their ornaments, his special interest is sparkly things and my DP’s house is very glam. But he has never broken a thing he just likes looking and feeling things. It’s just my DP being a bit precious about their house. My ds tends to be really good when he’s being care for my other people (who he knows well) and like a lot of other kids with SN he’ll hold all his anxiety in and then it’ll all come out at home and me and his dad bare the brunt of that. It’s fine as we know it’s coming and know how to deal with it, but my point is he has never created or had major meltdowns when he’s with family members. He saves that for us and when he’s at school.

OP posts:

MynephewR · 12/07/2020 11:12

We don't have any childcare either. Tbf my dm would be happy to babysit but she lives miles away and doesn't have space to have the kids overnight. In laws also live miles away but I wouldn't let the kids go there due to safeguarding concerns. We get the kids into bed early so we have some downtime. It's just the way it is I guess, I think you have to just accept that ultimately they are your children and you are responsible for them 24/7. I don't see why your eldest can't babysit though, 17 is plenty old enough to look after a younger sibling. I could understand concerns about a teenager babysitting someone else's child but their own brother would be fine surely?

Also I'd hate to have my dc's away from me for 6 weeks, a week I could probably enjoy but 6 weeks would be horrible. Don't think it's something to be jealous of tbh.

Original poster

NiknicK · 12/07/2020 11:12

Yes my parents left us with our GP’s at least every other weekend, sometimes for one night, other times for a full weekend. My DB is fine having my dc but his wife is a major stress head. She’s lovely but she flaps over anything and everything and you can’t be like that around an autistic child. Plus they have 3 children of their own and both work full time so it would be a lot to take my ds too.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2020 11:15

I suppose if your son can't babysit, your brother can't babysit and actual babysitters can't babysit, the only other option is to ask those who've babysat before?

Can you do that?

LouiseTrees · 12/07/2020 11:18

@NiknicK

What about your 18 yo helps his wife to look at their 3. Your brother looks after your youngest. Just for a few hours. Just so you get a rest. Sounds like they might not get much of a rest but you aren’t talking about doing it all the time.

bluebell34567 · 12/07/2020 11:20

its just luck niknick, happens everywhere.
some people have more opportunities.

Original poster

NiknicK · 12/07/2020 11:21

My DH’s parents have had DS on occasion but they’re pushing 80 now so it’s not really an option. I get what people are saying in that they are my dc, I do get that and I don’t suddenly feel resentful towards them for not getting time to myself, that’s like you said, a part of parenting, but it’s sad that my own parents have seen me struggle with various things (won’t bore you with details) these last couple of years and have never offered to help occasionally. My Nan who is 88 bless her said the other day she wishes she was fit enough as she would love to take care of mine and my brother’s children. She adored us when we were little and couldn’t get enough time with us, was always taking me out to the park, we went for walks with her pushing my brother in his pram, went on day trips to Blackpool etc. I absolutely loved it. So to see my dc’s relationship with my dp completely the opposite is sad.

OP posts:

bluebell34567 · 12/07/2020 11:25

your parents seem selfish.

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2020 11:28

Yes that is sad but I think you need to separate that from the babysitting issue so you can have a break.

Personally, I'd still ask your eldest son to do it. Just start small and build up slowly.

I'm puzzled as to why you won't because he's not 'officially and adult'?

missperegrinespeculiar · 12/07/2020 11:42

Your Nan sounds so lovely! you were lucky to have that, and I can understand your sadness for your own DCs, I never had that relationship with my grandparents for various reasons, so I get it

TooGood2BeTrue · 12/07/2020 12:03

I guess 4 or 5 nights is a lot better than nothing but when some of my friends / acquaintances tell me that their kids are going on holiday with the grandparents or that the grandparents pick them up from school regularly, I cannot help feeling a bit jealous and sad for my kids. Also because DH used to go to his grandparents for days on end during the holidays.

Gobbycop · 12/07/2020 12:10

There's a big difference between quality time and palming off.

I personally wouldn't want to he away from my kid that long, nowhere near that long in fact.

Nicknacky · 12/07/2020 12:11

What do you think will change the day your eldest turns 18? He won’t be any different to what he was the day before.

AnotherBiteMe · 12/07/2020 12:13

I was very lucky in the i had my DC very young meaning my parents were only in their 40's when DC came along. I was in a bad way mentally back then and couldn't manage holidays so was really grateful that my DP's were able to take DC on month long holidays in the USA to visit family in the summer so I could work.

You are NBU OP. I'd be sad too.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 12/07/2020 12:17

It’s interesting they forgot about your great grandparents helping them out. It’s fine if they want to do there own thing, when they get elderly then you can do yours and not get involved. They can’t have it both ways (but clearly want to!). My mother is very similar and rather selfish, despite her mother / my grandmother caring for myself and my siblings a lot

The80sweregreat · 12/07/2020 12:19

I get this as nobody wanted my children unless it was a real emergency! A few people I knew were the same.

Other people I knew had all kinds of childcare and weekends away etc etc.
We just sailed our own boat : at least we were not beholden to anyone , but it did rankle at the time. Both sets of parents were not going to look after our children which is fair enough I guess.
It's life and some people have it easier than others regarding childcare or just a break from them for a few hours.
I didn't know anyone whose parents had them for so many weeks though: this is unusual!

Ilikeviognier · 12/07/2020 12:23

Yep 6 weeks is a long time. I do get the need for a break though- lockdown has been tough.

Without derailing the thread, though, everything is relative. Personally I would be jealous of you OP- my parents both died long before I had DC so I would just be grateful for them to meet my children at all, never mind do any childcare for me. Everyone’s circumstances are different.

Zoeyclash · 12/07/2020 12:30

I definitely think you need to ask your 17 year old to do a bit of babysitting, even once a month so you and your DP can get out for a meal or a film. It sounds like your youngest DS is secure with family members and won't act up, plus I'm sure your 17 year old would love a bit of extra cash for babysitting.

Hoppinggreen · 12/07/2020 12:37

As long as your dc can spend time together without trying to kill eachother I don’t understand why you dint get the older one to babysit
We got out for a meal occasionally and leave my 15 and 11 year olds at home together

dontdisturbmenow · 12/07/2020 12:41

So you're envious, fine! We can all be, you just have to look at people who have the things that you do wish you'd have yourself and anyone can find someone who has what we don't.

What you do thugh is turn it around and compare yourself with those who wish they had what you have.

Then you just stop comparing all together because it does no good at all.

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