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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or am I a dog?

62 replies

FianceDog · 12/07/2020 07:43

Namechanged as its so outing

Yesterday I was at my fiances parents house.
The mother's friends (a couple who i have met before) turned up as i was planning on going for a walk.
I made them both a coffee, sat and made polite chit chat alongside my DP and his family (going for my walk would have been rude apparently). When asked what we were up to my DP said we were getting a dog
The husband looked at him, then me, and said something like "why are you getting a dog - you've already got one sat next to you"

I sit there thinking okay not my house. I look at mil who laughs politely. DP says nothing.
The man's wife looks embarassed and said dont worry he often calls me a dog. Taking the dog for a walk ho ho ho etc. Confused
They then continue to chat while i am thinking WTAF
Insread of handing him his arse I (vairy fucking politely) get up and tell DP i am going for a walk.

This was around 4pm in the uk. I go for a walk to cool off and get space aiming for his aunt and uncles 30 mins away they arent dickheads are lovely and i know them well. Dp texts around 4.30 and i explain I'm fine but ballsed up directions. I do a detour meaning i arrive around 5.30.
Text to say i've arrived. Everyone knows my location. Even though i am an adult and it is not necessary
They say stay for dinner cousins have cooked. I do and we have a lovely time.
Ask dp if he wants to come over and see family and we can walk back. He is shitty with me and says hes been busy cooking "for guests"
I say fine, stay there I'll get a lift. Go back to chatting with aunt and return about 11.30pm

When j get bacl he is angry with ME because "anything could have happened" (his parents live in oldham not Basra)

I asked him "how exactly am i the arsehole in this situation?"
He said "well how am i?"
I told him i wasnt discussing it and he should go to sleep

WABU?
I felt i was quite calm and did not overreact

OP posts:
siblingrevelryagain · 12/07/2020 07:46

If a grown man called me a dog like that (where there was no grey area that it was meant as an insult) I’d be livid-how can he just come out with it in polite company and it not be challenged by anyone? Absolute arsehole

Soubriquet · 12/07/2020 07:47

I would be disgusted at my dh for not sticking up for me

And then disgusted at this arsehole of a man who seems its fine to call me a dog

Samcro · 12/07/2020 07:49

so a man called you a dog and your dh did nothing??
my dh would have ripped him a new one. yanbu to be angry,

Peridodo · 12/07/2020 07:55

This was an awful thing for someone to say to you. I say that as someone who’s own mother made a ‘joke’ like this. My DH was talking to her about taking up walking because of his bad back. She said something like ‘take Peridodo for walkies’ basically saying I’m a dog. As you can tell my relationship with my mother is not good for a whole host of reasons!
Sorry to get sidetracked, I don’t blame you for taking some time out and I don’t see why your DP reacted like he did either. He should have stuck up for you at the time and I wish you had told this guy to GFH too!

Sidewinder30 · 12/07/2020 07:56

Whoa. That was a shocking, rude, horrible thing to say to you. Your fiance should be ashamed at not pulling the man up on that.

I don't fault your response. You were shocked and hurt and got out. Fair enough.

BUT you two did not have an honest conversation about this, both refused to discuss it. You should have said outright: I'm leaving and won't be back until I ready to discuss how this man insulted me and you did nothing. And as soon as you returned, you two should have had an adult conversation.

moj1to · 12/07/2020 07:56

Why did your DP not challenge this man? I would be absolutely livid!

FlaskMaster · 12/07/2020 07:56

Wtf? Why did he feel the need to stay and entertain and cook, at his mum's house, for his mum's friends? He should have come for a walk with you. It's fucking outrageous just mingling along with them all after they were so unbelievably rude to you. I can't believe it tbh. Yanbu, what on earth was your dh thinking. I suppose now you know where his loyalties and priorities are, and you can act accordingly. Have you got kids together?

Bluntness100 · 12/07/2020 08:01

This is shocking. This man just sat and randomly insulted you and no one said anything? They just laughed?

I’m not sure what all the thing is about you going to his aunts, you did say you were going for a walk at four, I’m not sure why you couldn’t just tell him you were offended and didn’t wish to be in these peoples company,

Original poster
FianceDog · 12/07/2020 08:03

@Sidewinder30 We were both tired and in not fit state to discuss it last night but agree that would have been better. When it happened I was just so shocked i couldn't articulate anything and needed to get out.

We don't have children but we are due to marry in a couple of months.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/07/2020 08:10

Op, is there a cultural element here, do you live at your in laws?

I’m wondering why you were making the coffee for your in laws guests and why your partner was the one cooking for them. Is there an expectation in some way you do this and react politely due to who the guests were?

PurpleFlower1983 · 12/07/2020 08:14

I wouldn’t have been as polite as you in this situation OP!

BettyBoozle · 12/07/2020 08:19

Absolutely unacceptable for the man to speak to you like that. It's just not something you say in polite company. His wife must have been mortified.

I do find it a bit odd that you just left and didn't return though. Surely your dp was waiting for you to come back? Don't get me wrong, if that happened to me I would have wanted out too but I would have made it clear to my dp why I was leaving.

Sidewinder30 · 12/07/2020 08:19

Just to add, obviously your dp was in the wrong and should have been apologising to you. I totally understand why you handled it as you did.

But in longterm relationships, you need to learn how to have a fight. This is an important one, because you two should be a team and have each other's backs and he not only failed to challenge the comment, he then failed to react as though he at least understood that it was rude, or why you scarpered.

There's a lot to unpick here. You both need to start being honest with each other and learn to communicate far better. I really wouldn't marry him if a lifetime of passive aggressive pussy-footing around your disagreements is what the future holds.

Just to reiterate: he was wrong.

Celticdawn5 · 12/07/2020 08:24

This is just awful and I’m so sorry .

I think I’d be re thinking my relationship with fiancé and family.

HavingAMoan · 12/07/2020 08:31

I bet he’s the sort of man when challenged would say it was just a ‘joke’ and to ‘lighten up’. 🙄 I feel sorry for his wife if that’s how he speaks to people in public, let alone at home.

ChangeThePassword · 12/07/2020 08:35

I think, in that circumstance, I would respond 'well it's not me that's being a bitch', then leave.

If I thought of it in time.

That's awful. I would be considering what I wanted my future to look like, in that circumstances.

Treacletoots · 12/07/2020 08:38

To quote a cliche. You don't have a fil problem, you have a DH problem.

My exH was similar, he'd allow his dad to constantly berate me because I had the 'better car' and he felt the man of the house should automatically have it. He went as far as to suggest because we were married he could legally just take it.

Sorry, got a bit side tracked there. Lol. What I'm saying is your DH should have given him a bollocking but instead you have a fil who thinks it's OK to call you a dog! Fuck that shit. He's not going to change, in fact they only ever get worse.

Save your money and time and get rid of this one. This isn't the DH for you. Flowers

HavingAMoan · 12/07/2020 08:40

I don’t think it was the Fil who made the comment @Treacletoots.

feelingfragile · 12/07/2020 08:41

Obviously the bloke was out of order but I don't understand the obsession with husband not defending you. You have a voice and it sounds like everyone was as confused and bewildered by the bizarre nature of it as you.

I'm not sure if I've misunderstood the next bit as it sounds like you went for a walk at 4.00 and came back at 11.30 which if you were visiting relatives is pretty rude especially if they were cooking at the in laws for you. But everyone seems to be fixated on the dog comment and ignoring this so perhaps I don't get it.

pinkyredrose · 12/07/2020 08:45

That's outrageous! Why the fuck did no-one stick up for you! Is your fiance usually a drip?

tara66 · 12/07/2020 08:49

Appalling insult - what's wrong with the man? Is he deranged or have very low IQ?

BlusteryShowers · 12/07/2020 08:50

The comment was really rude and your DH should be able to understand how hurt you were.

I do however sympathise how hard it is to answer back when a comment blindsides you like that when you're in 'polite company' mode. I've experienced that feeling of just being lost for words and the only thing you can do is nervous laughter. By the time you've formed your words the moment has passed and then you feel stupid for bringing it up again.

BlusteryShowers · 12/07/2020 08:50

The comment was really rude and your DH should be able to understand how hurt you were.

I do however sympathise how hard it is to answer back when a comment blindsides you like that when you're in 'polite company' mode. I've experienced that feeling of just being lost for words and the only thing you can do is nervous laughter. By the time you've formed your words the moment has passed and then you feel stupid for bringing it up again.

M0mmyneedswine · 12/07/2020 08:53

You dont need dp to say something if you are insulted you can defend yourself. I would have text if i went out for a walk and ended up staying hours its just poliet especially as you were staying with others

LillianBland · 12/07/2020 08:53

My child has a low IQ, but doesn’t behave like an ignorant prick. His IQ is neither here nor there.

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