AIBU or am I a dog?

[FianceDog]

Namechanged as its so outing

Yesterday I was at my fiances parents house.
The mother's friends (a couple who i have met before) turned up as i was planning on going for a walk.
I made them both a coffee, sat and made polite chit chat alongside my DP and his family (going for my walk would have been rude apparently). When asked what we were up to my DP said we were getting a dog
The husband looked at him, then me, and said something like "why are you getting a dog - you've already got one sat next to you"

I sit there thinking okay not my house. I look at mil who laughs politely. DP says nothing.
The man's wife looks embarassed and said dont worry he often calls me a dog. Taking the dog for a walk ho ho ho etc.
They then continue to chat while i am thinking WTAF
Insread of handing him his arse I (vairy fucking politely) get up and tell DP i am going for a walk.

This was around 4pm in the uk. I go for a walk to cool off and get space aiming for his aunt and uncles 30 mins away they arent dickheads are lovely and i know them well. Dp texts around 4.30 and i explain I'm fine but ballsed up directions. I do a detour meaning i arrive around 5.30.
Text to say i've arrived. Everyone knows my location. Even though i am an adult and it is not necessary
They say stay for dinner cousins have cooked. I do and we have a lovely time.
Ask dp if he wants to come over and see family and we can walk back. He is shitty with me and says hes been busy cooking "for guests"
I say fine, stay there I'll get a lift. Go back to chatting with aunt and return about 11.30pm

When j get bacl he is angry with ME because "anything could have happened" (his parents live in oldham not Basra)

I asked him "how exactly am i the arsehole in this situation?"
He said "well how am i?"
I told him i wasnt discussing it and he should go to sleep

WABU?
I felt i was quite calm and did not overreact

I assume this means that she doesn't live there?

Agree, it is phrased initially like they don’t live there, but she then goes on to say she made the guests coffee, her partner made the guests dinner, and they obviously slept there, and she went out for a walk then visited the aunts for over four hours. That’s not something you really do if you’re just visiting unless it’s a very lengthy visit. It’s something you do if you live there.

I voted YABU based not on the dog comment but on the fact that you left and were gone until 11:30, without communicating fully with your DP.

I agree the dog comment was really odd and I would expect him to be pulled up on it by someone - myself, DP, his parents. But to then disappear without discussion for hours is unreasonable IMO.

To say that to anyone is bad. To say it to them in what is their families home as a guest is unacceptable. For his wife to laugh it off is quite sad for her. For your MIL was probably quite shell shocked at his arseholeness and speechless. For DP to say and do nothing was outrageous. That you didn’t hand his arse to him was very restrained of you. Tell DP you are insulted humiliated and outraged he thought this was ok as he clearly did by not saying anything and then making them dinner. I wouldn’t have held my tongue.

Hi all, sorry went for a long walk (no one got lost this time!)

No I don't live here. we are up for two long weeks. i am considered "family" so not treated as a guest and am expected to be nice to "actual guests".

Without tangenting Mil is "highly strung" (her sons' words) and can be a bit childish. She likes to be "looked after". she had a loveless and difficult childhood and i think it comes from a place of seeking reassurance of love so I'm generally happy to indulge this. This includes making teas and coffees and bringing in biscuits and bits.

DP and I do all cooking and buying of food when here so there was no meal waiting for me per se. Mil is anorexic and hates cooking. DP's brother moved back home in july he only eats processed food and is also unhealthily underweight.

I am of the same mindset as fudgebrownie tbh and said as much to DP.
thinking about it i left to avoid saying something and thought it better to keep the peace because his mother.

For me it all basically comes back to not wanting to upset his (fragile) mother and being very stressed about various expectations that are upon him.

I admit not being more specific about my return time was poor form but i def think half the reason he was annoyed is i had a really fun evening and he had a shit time!

You dont need to apologise for walking off. You did well even to go back! And a bit of radio silence never did anyone any harm.
Your DP seemed more annoyed you left him to cook dinner than have any empathy around the reasons why you left.
Take some time to work out if you really need this marriage at this point in your life. There's a very complex family dynamic going on here. It will provide many more problems and issues.
Just be aware of what you are signing up to.
I assume the man who called you a dog will be invited to your wedding? Will DPs family still expect him to be invited? Etc etc.

My DP wouldn't have said anything in those cirumstances. He wouldn't have had a chance because I'd have ripped the rude fucker a new arsehole before you could say "knife".

And if "fragile" MIL didn't like it, tough.

He probably just thought he was being funny, my brother has used that joke on me before. Definitely ill-advised if you aren't that close, but I couldn't get too worked up about it.

"why are you getting a dog - you've already got one sat next to you"

In the real world we are too polite to give succinct riposte – even if we could ever think one up at that moment.
Better to do this:-
You write in a note to him "I'm a dog am I? Better than being a dinosaur like you!!"
Give him the note when you contrive an opportunity to be alone with him - and you stare coldly at him while he reads it.
Shaming him and making him think hard about his future behaviour towards women is what this despicable and stupid “man” deserves.

Believe me, he won't share that note with anyone.....

Think there's a mixture of things here.

1. The 'friend' is a cunt. An abusive one. Neither wife or MIL have the tools to be able to deal with it presumably because anorexia means there's not the physical strength to carry and dispose of a body

1. Your DP wants to make his mother, a fragile lady, happy. She can't handle confrontation, so he can't do anything to 'spoil things'.

1. He's therefore forced to play nicely. Without you there, he's probably getting digs about how he needs to train his bitch to have better recall, etc. But still feels unable to cause a scene with his Mum and her friend. So he's seething and embarrassed and, when you don't come back and the women look a bit worried, he's feeling worse.

1. You then have a nice time and don't come back. He's had to endure the awkwardness for hours.

1. Said cunt has probably gone home bitching about the uppity cow and taken it out on his wife overnight. Future MIL is probably worried about her friend but rather than tell her 'he's a fucking prick who talks to you like shit and humiliated my family', gets upset in front of your DP about how awful it all was and how worried she is about you.

1. He then snaps at you, you snap at him for not hoying the cunt headfirst out of the front door and everybody's pissed off or upset.

For DP - that cunt is the one in the wrong. I get that you don't want to make a scene and upset your mum, but I will not ever tolerate verbal abuse from anybody. In my own home, I'll throw anybody who says that shit to me out and I would expect you to back me up. In somebody else's, I will leave and not come back until they're gone - if I come back at all. And that's all there is to it. It's not you, it's that prick.

i def think half the reason he was annoyed is i had a really fun evening and he had a shit time

Then in that case op it’s his problem it’s his family. He needs to deal with it. A friend of his family behaved terribly to you.he can’t expect you to then start catering for them.

I still am not sure why you couldn’t or didn’t just say to him you were upset about the insult.

That was horrible for you, congratulations on your dignified restraint and politeness to the hosts.

Pity it wasn't reciprocated by BF and his family, but it's an excellent warning of what to expect if you marry him.

Save your self respect and walk now.

Firstly its absolutely not ok for your dh not to have spoken up and worse for your mil to have laughed (even out of nervousness and politeness) . I confess to being hugely irritated by people who let this crap go out of politeness which is just a fancy way of not having a back bone and excusing it. It's more difficult for you because the owner of the house (mil) and son didn't defend you so it makes total sense your option being to walk away. Like a pp I am more than able to stand up for myself but DP just does not take kindly to this sort of thing and would have said something. He knows I can handle myself but would still have been pissed off and would have handed the mans backside (verbally) to him.

The radio silence is trickier , I don't actually think you were wrong but for me I know for a variety of historical reasons DP would genuinely really worry if he hadn't heard from me. For us it would be a crappy thing to do but and I say this strongly, there really are good historical reasons. So no matter how angry I am I would be clear where I was and if I was late or lost (which I very often am) I would still let him know. If he is a worrier then you should have let him know. In fairness if I am pissed off at DP it will be a curt short text reassuring him where I am but nothing more.

Exdh and exmil however would have behaved exactly the same as happened with you. Only you know whether it was symptomatic of bigger issues but for me things like this happened before exdh and I got married , I should have listened to my instincts. It was a huge red flag of a wider issue that resulted in exmil repeatedly (and dh doing Jack to support me ) treating me like something on the bottom of my shoe.

It only stopped when my DC were born and I snapped and had had enough. My advice is to be crystal clear with them now , well dh anyway. I wasn't and it blew up when exmil ordered me out of bed 24 hour after a risky c section because she was tired and needed to let down and I had to go nuclear with a newborn to get any kind of stability.

Now exmil is batshit crazy and I'm not suggesting yours is but passive bullshit in this scenario can escalate.