AIBU or am I a dog?

[FianceDog]

Namechanged as its so outing

Yesterday I was at my fiances parents house.
The mother's friends (a couple who i have met before) turned up as i was planning on going for a walk.
I made them both a coffee, sat and made polite chit chat alongside my DP and his family (going for my walk would have been rude apparently). When asked what we were up to my DP said we were getting a dog
The husband looked at him, then me, and said something like "why are you getting a dog - you've already got one sat next to you"

I sit there thinking okay not my house. I look at mil who laughs politely. DP says nothing.
The man's wife looks embarassed and said dont worry he often calls me a dog. Taking the dog for a walk ho ho ho etc.
They then continue to chat while i am thinking WTAF
Insread of handing him his arse I (vairy fucking politely) get up and tell DP i am going for a walk.

This was around 4pm in the uk. I go for a walk to cool off and get space aiming for his aunt and uncles 30 mins away they arent dickheads are lovely and i know them well. Dp texts around 4.30 and i explain I'm fine but ballsed up directions. I do a detour meaning i arrive around 5.30.
Text to say i've arrived. Everyone knows my location. Even though i am an adult and it is not necessary
They say stay for dinner cousins have cooked. I do and we have a lovely time.
Ask dp if he wants to come over and see family and we can walk back. He is shitty with me and says hes been busy cooking "for guests"
I say fine, stay there I'll get a lift. Go back to chatting with aunt and return about 11.30pm

When j get bacl he is angry with ME because "anything could have happened" (his parents live in oldham not Basra)

I asked him "how exactly am i the arsehole in this situation?"
He said "well how am i?"
I told him i wasnt discussing it and he should go to sleep

WABU?
I felt i was quite calm and did not overreact

I think it was just a bad joke that some would of found funny. But I suppose you had to be there to sense the tone

@tara66

Appalling insult - what's wrong with the man? Is he deranged or have very low IQ?

No. He’s just a cunt

God, what a dick. I don’t necessarily think it’s up to your husband to defend you. Your MIL could have too, seeing as it was her friend. I can totally understand why you left. I bet your husband was pissed off that you went and had fun and he had to stay and make polite conversation to an arsehole.

Obviously the bloke was out of order but I don't understand the obsession with husband not defending you.

Even if someone spoke to a mate of mine like that in front of me I couldn't just sit there and stay silent, let alone if it was to my partner.

@backseatcookers

Obviously the bloke was out of order but I don't understand the obsession with husband not defending you.

Even if someone spoke to a mate of mine like that in front of me I couldn't just sit there and stay silent, let alone if it was to my partner.

I'd be fuming if anyone else chose to speak for me if I was fully capable of doing it myself.

I probably would have said directly that he was very rude and then still go for dinner elsewhere. What a prick! I hope he got the hint from the fact you didn't return and doesn't say something like that ever again. We can hope...

If this had happened to me i can imagine being so shocked that i wouldn't give the response I'd think most appropriate. I think those around me who love me should step in, so yes, husband first and foremost should have said something. And i would never socialise with this awful man again. If he calls women dogs he is not good for you.

I left my ex for so many reasons, but there was an event early on in our relationship that i think was important. I was hosting a big birthday for exh, during which his best friend said to me that my accent sounded stupid, as in uneducated, and that this was what he thought of everyonefrom my region. No one was drinking, this wasn't said as a joke, it was said as fact. I was shocked to be insulted to my face while hosting and was annoyingly polite in response. My exh said nothing. Silence is compliance. I wouldn't let someone say a horrible thing to someone i loved.

Do you live with the not yet ILs?

If not, can't understand why you didn't just go home, or why your OH was cooking for his mum's guests.

I understand why you left, & ideally your OH should have too imo.

I think that what the guest said was completely horrible, although guessing he says it every chance he gets & thinks he's being funny/original.

What a bore!

Ugh men who make these sorts of jokes are always vile. They think they're HILARIOUS and SUCH. FUN. at a party. YWNBU. I would honestly keep contact with this joker to an absolute minimum. He shows up, you go out.

There is one of these in my PIL's group of friends and I have to nod, smile, ignore for the minimum time period and then suddenly I have something else to do.

Hang on, your angry with your DP because he said nothing to defend you, yet you didn't defend yourself either. I think your being unreasonable there.

As you say your an adult, you have a voice you should have called him out on his bullshit, you don't get to be angry because your do didn't defend you when you didn't yourself

@ClaryFray

Hang on, your angry with your DP because he said nothing to defend you, yet you didn't defend yourself either. I think your being unreasonable there.

As you say your an adult, you have a voice you should have called him out on his bullshit, you don't get to be angry because your do didn't defend you when you didn't yourself

Omg in your MIL's house, you would seriously mouth off and their "top bantz" mate. And get the reputation of that aggressive girlfriend of Timothy. No chance. She did the right thing imo.

Now she'll have the reputation as the woman who sodded off for 4 1/2 hours when she was supposed to be visiting.

If she expects other people to challenge the man, she should be prepared to do it herself. This isn't the 1950s (or even 1850s) women don't need to be 'saved' anymore. The only reasons anyone should be standing up for anyone else is if that person isn't there, or for some reason they aren't able to do it themselves.

I’m also not sure why folks are so focused on the husband defending her, as she’s a grown woman who can defend herself. Not some little woman who can’t speak up.

As said though, I do wonder if there is a cultural element here, where it’s expected the dil does the cooking etc and the younger folks are not expected to speak out or challenge their elders, no matter how they behave, which is why both the op and her partner said nothing, and why the partner was pissed she didn’t come back and do the cooking as it was expected of her, and that they possibly even live there.

Cultural expectations can play a big part in people’s behaviour.

I'd be fuming if anyone else chose to speak for me if I was fully capable of doing it myself.

I would speak up for myself too, but if it was directed at someone else and nobody said anything then I would personally feel unable to leave it unaddressed.

That's because I wouldn't see it as speaking 'for' them, I would see it as speaking up about horrible behaviour. I wouldn't suddenly fly into making the situation about me by reacting first but if it was a choice of a silence which feels complicit somehow or, once there has been a clear pause in which nobody has spoken about someone being called a dog, I would speak up. Again not speak 'for' them but speak up.

I appreciate you don't feel the same and wouldn't speak up if someone spoke to a friend / partner like that, and that you wouldn't like it if someone spoke up in defence of you, but as you said you feel fully capable of speaking up in defence of yourself.

Not everyone does feel able to speak up during such situations and OP sounds like she is upset nobody else did either.

I'd be fuming if anyone else chose to speak for me if I was fully capable of doing it myself.

I would speak up for myself too, but if it was directed at someone else and nobody said anything then I would personally feel unable to leave it unaddressed.

That's because I wouldn't see it as speaking 'for' them, I would see it as speaking up about horrible behaviour. I wouldn't suddenly fly into making the situation about me by reacting first but if it was a choice of a silence which feels complicit somehow or, once there has been a clear pause in which nobody has spoken about someone being called a dog, I would speak up. Again not speak 'for' them but speak up.

I appreciate you don't feel the same and wouldn't speak up if someone spoke to a friend / partner like that, and that you wouldn't like it if someone spoke up in defence of you, but as you said you feel fully capable of speaking up in defence of yourself.

Not everyone does feel able to speak up during such situations and OP sounds like she is upset nobody else did either.

Now she'll have the reputation as the woman who sodded off for 4 1/2 hours when she was supposed to be visiting

I’m not sure she was visiting to be honest. She might live there.

Nah, this isn't about her being a laydee in need of saving. If the genders of the main protagonists in this story were reversed, I'd still say the same.

Boyfriend goes to his girlfriend's parents house. A couple comes over and calls him a fat minger 'for laughs'. Boyfriend doesn't like it. He stands up for himself and ILs forever think he's a bit touchy and aggressive. Or he takes himself off for a walk, as he had already said he would. Or his girlfriend could have said "sorry Janet, wtf? Don't call him that".

Same thing imo. No damsels in distress.

I would probably have been too taken aback to say anything & my husband may not have wanted to be rude to a friend of his parents.

However, if I'd walked out he doubtless would have come with me & we would have decided then what to do.

I don't understand why his mum's friend's turning up meant that you couldn't go on the walk that you were planning though, Op.

She says in the OP she was at her fiancés parent's house and that it's not her house. I assume this means that she doesn't live there?

@LadyPrigsbottom

Nah, this isn't about her being a laydee in need of saving. If the genders of the main protagonists in this story were reversed, I'd still say the same.

Boyfriend goes to his girlfriend's parents house. A couple comes over and calls him a fat minger 'for laughs'. Boyfriend doesn't like it. He stands up for himself and ILs forever think he's a bit touchy and aggressive. Or he takes himself off for a walk, as he had already said he would. Or his girlfriend could have said "sorry Janet, wtf? Don't call him that".

Same thing imo. No damsels in distress.

Sorry, the woman calls him a fat minger. Got go be clear about my entirely hypothetical incident!

Holy fuck, had someone called me a dog in front of my DP, I dread to think how angry he would be! No violence, but omg, he would have been furious! Why on earth did you both stay silent?

I'd answer back myself, but I'd also be very surprised if my DH didn't also respond negatively in a situation like that. Not because I need saving (I really don't - out of the two of us I'm definitely the one who'd defend themselves fastest) but because he wouldn't tolerate someone chatting shit about me any more than I'd tolerate the same about him.

What a disgusting comment and I’m appalled your dp didn’t stick up for you. Whether he should have or not is irrelevant, his relative has insulted his fiancé he should have been furious with them so He has no reason to be defensive to you. I’d seriously be considering if I wanted to be part of this family moving forward.

I'd answer back myself, but I'd also be very surprised if my DH didn't also respond negatively in a situation like that. Not because I need saving (I really don't - out of the two of us I'm definitely the one who'd defend themselves fastest) but because he wouldn't tolerate someone chatting shit about me any more than I'd tolerate the same about him.

This - you put it much better than me!

we are due to marry in a couple of months

I'm not trying to tell you to LTB, far from it, I would just like to say please be VERY sure before you go ahead with marrying him.

My MIL did a similar thing, I was so shocked I just stood there open mouthed. My then husband did and said nothing. He never challenged any of her future behaviour towards me (which was usually my punishment for calling her up on it myself!). He said he wanted to protect his inheritance which he would have lost if he did. These were just some of the occasions when he didn't support me, which can be added to a long list of occasions when he was actively abusive. I wish I had noticed the red flags before I married him.