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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH to quit

57 replies

Yutrg · 12/07/2020 00:27

Ok so I had a good jobs ( actually more than one ) . Maybe I did too much . I quit my last job because I hated it and then fell pregnant . Never went back full time ( did whatever bits I could ) , as I was ill and some issues , plus Four children in quick succession .

OH climbed the ladder . And doing V well . But always knew he would drop it in a heartbeat to be with the kids more .

Should I ( earning about half what he does In a professional job more than the national average ) Get him to quit or go part time , so I can regain my career footing . I might eventually earn as much as him if I do well .

I’ve done six / 7 days a week and contributed financially , but feeling Pissed off that now OH is doing the same he feels like he’s doing me a favour, certainly acts like it .

I want the bloody control back in my life and I suppose I’m tired of feeling like I’ve relied on him .

Plus I don’t feel like I can tell him what to do with his earnings and recently he bought a car that we could’ve spent less on , we really need to move house and I feel like he’s got his priorities wrong and I can’t stop him .

I’d rather fing go to work and let him sit at home or whatever and do it myself

OP posts:
Original poster
Yutrg · 12/07/2020 00:31

?

OP posts:
Original poster
Yutrg · 12/07/2020 01:14

No ?

OP posts:
RatInADollhouse · 12/07/2020 01:18

It’s very late, OP, and this is the type of question that requires a thoughtful answer. Bump in the morning and you will get more responses.

RatInADollhouse · 12/07/2020 01:19

But in a nutshell YANBU at all. It’s just complicated to decide whether and how to act on it.

Finfintytint · 12/07/2020 01:20

You’re fucked if you aren’t married. Get the control back and start working.

just5morepeas · 12/07/2020 01:28

Get working! You need control of your own life and your own money.

CoRhona · 12/07/2020 01:40

Why is it either or? Can he not carry on working and you also work (assuming you'd have to sort childcare between you)?

Sheenais · 12/07/2020 01:46

@Finfintytint

You’re fucked if you aren’t married. Get the control back and start working.
This. Why does this still need saying?
Purpleartichoke · 12/07/2020 01:52

His earnings are your earnings if you are enabling his career by caring for his children. You can’t think of it as his money and I would protest vociferously every time he implies that belongs to him.

If you don’t feel in control, then go back to work. However, you need to put the expectation on him to pick up the slack. If it is going to be his money and your money, then he needs to do half the school pickups. He needs to cover sick days. He needs to expend the mental energy to keep track of who needs new socks and who must bring a forest themed snack to school.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/07/2020 01:57

Can you live off your wage alone?

If you're both part-time, are th e hours flexible enough to avoid childcare?

If you go full-time, can you earn as much as it would coat in childcare?

TingTastic · 12/07/2020 06:23

Why on earth would you need to get him to quit or go part time?? There is such a thing as childcare which would enable you both to work at the same time

backseatcookers · 12/07/2020 06:26

Why on earth would you need to get him to quit or go part time?? There is such a thing as childcare which would enable you both to work at the same time

This!

Original poster
Yutrg · 12/07/2020 06:26

No he’s have to quit his job and find something part time or flexible .

We discussed him going part time but his job was too important so they wouldn’t allow it under any circumstances

I can earn enough to cover childcare but then wouldn’t have masses left from that

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 12/07/2020 06:28

You don’t get him to do anything. You have an adult conversation about your concerns and find out together what the best path would be.

PaulinePetrovaPosey · 12/07/2020 06:30

You wouldn't be covering childcare costs on your own though. Or at least you shouldn't be - if you are, there's something seriously wrong in your relationship.

And remember you're not just working to earn now, you're working to keep your career going for the next 30(?!) years.

backseatcookers · 12/07/2020 06:34

I can earn enough to cover childcare but then wouldn’t have masses left from that

Yes but the point is that you both working FT then allows you both to continue the same career trajectory to stop one of you being financially reliant on the other long term.

And in relationships where both parties are happier working than being a SAHP, it allows you to be two happy, healthy parents in a way that's right for you and your family.

Lots of family's don't have much leftover after childcare costs but if that was the only deciding factor then the lower earners of all couples would stop working.

If you aren't married this is especially important to protect your own future security. Both of you!

LittleMissRedHat · 12/07/2020 06:56

When you say "OH" do you mean a partner or a husband? Usually I don't comment on marital circumstances as it's each to their own, but, please tell me you have something concrete in writing regarding finances, at least on the mortgage? Because if you aren't married, and you have four kids to someone who seems irresponsible with money and you have no job, what the heck happens if he walks out? I'm not saying he will, or that he wouldn't look after you all but just reading the posts on here scares me a bit when I read posts like yours!

So basically, yes, get a job, do whatever you have to, to make sure you have some money of your own!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/07/2020 06:57

@LittleMissRedHat

When you say "OH" do you mean a partner or a husband? Usually I don't comment on marital circumstances as it's each to their own, but, please tell me you have something concrete in writing regarding finances, at least on the mortgage? Because if you aren't married, and you have four kids to someone who seems irresponsible with money and you have no job, what the heck happens if he walks out? I'm not saying he will, or that he wouldn't look after you all but just reading the posts on here scares me a bit when I read posts like yours!

So basically, yes, get a job, do whatever you have to, to make sure you have some money of your own!!

This.
Gizlotsmum · 12/07/2020 07:05

I think there are several issues there.

1, OH spending family money without consultation.

2, in the past when you were working 6/7 day weeks what was he doing? Or are you currently doing this?

3, is there a risk your illness could return if you work full time (no details needed just yes/no)

4 Does your husband want to reduce his hours

5, How long will it take for you to match his earnings?

6 why is childcare your cost, also how old is your youngest? Childcare costs reduce quickly.

7, if you are currently working parttime (I confused myself with your post) are there often career progressions you are missing out on?

GnomeDePlume · 12/07/2020 07:10

If you mean 'you go back to work & OH become SAHP' then why not? We did this and family life became an awful lot better. DH was doing what he enjoys and is good at (running the home) and I was doing what I enjoy and am good at (working at my career).

3 DCs so we never lived in the lap of luxury but a happy home.

DCs are all now grown ups and starting to fly the nest. The experience of having DH at home was great for them. It was great for me and my career as it meant I could take opportunities when they came up. Great for DH as it meant he could indulge his own interests.

Fifthtimelucky · 12/07/2020 07:56

OP: it's not clear how many hours a week you are working now, and whether you are earning 50% of what your husband earns because you work 50% of his hours.

It's also not clear why both of you couldn't work full time.

lolawasashowgirl · 12/07/2020 08:15

In my humble opinion (since you've asked for opinions!) your original post needs unpicking as something doesn't feel right. It feels like the situation has very little to do with your respective careers and is actually about your relationship. I'm not saying that your partner has been brilliant but just getting him to dump his hard earned career so you can have 'your turn' feels a bit 'tit for tat.' I'm not sure you would be improving things. Does the solution really need to be so all or nothing? Also you've said quite clearly that your partner has no job flexibility at all. I don't mean this rudely but is that really the case? What profession / sector does he work in?

Megan2018 · 12/07/2020 08:20

You are being ridiculous. Use childcare.
No-one should give up their career, you were stupid to sacrifice yours but that doesn’t mean he should now ruin his.

Childcare costs aren’t forever, I have friends who were worse off working to start with but the payback came later when they were earning more once kids were in school. The immediate impact on cash isn’t relevant as long as all bills are covered.

hopeishere · 12/07/2020 08:24

Maybe I did too much

What does that mean? What sort of work do you both do?

You sound as if you resent both his career success and your own life.

It's all a bit dramatic. Why can't you both work FT? I had pretty i crappy jobs when the kids were young as we needed flexibility but I've got a great job now earn slightly more than DH. Both FT.

If you want to move house have that discussion with him.

Had you been drinking when you posted this?

dontdisturbmenow · 12/07/2020 09:17

I'm sorry OP, totally get where you're coming from, but there've been quite similar threads here with similar issues and each time I think: if you are a career driven family, why have 4 kids?

Unless you are prepared to have a nanny or au pair, surely deciding to have 4 kids was always going to limit the options?