OH to quit

[Yutrg]

Ok so I had a good jobs ( actually more than one ) . Maybe I did too much . I quit my last job because I hated it and then fell pregnant . Never went back full time ( did whatever bits I could ) , as I was ill and some issues , plus Four children in quick succession .

OH climbed the ladder . And doing V well . But always knew he would drop it in a heartbeat to be with the kids more .

Should I ( earning about half what he does In a professional job more than the national average ) Get him to quit or go part time , so I can regain my career footing . I might eventually earn as much as him if I do well .

I’ve done six / 7 days a week and contributed financially , but feeling Pissed off that now OH is doing the same he feels like he’s doing me a favour, certainly acts like it .

I want the bloody control back in my life and I suppose I’m tired of feeling like I’ve relied on him .

Plus I don’t feel like I can tell him what to do with his earnings and recently he bought a car that we could’ve spent less on , we really need to move house and I feel like he’s got his priorities wrong and I can’t stop him .

I’d rather fing go to work and let him sit at home or whatever and do it myself

I’m married

I think he resents working 6 days a week which he has never done until now , normally 5 .

Partly so we can move house .Whenever I ask him about what we’ve saved he gets angry .

I am roughly 1 day a week , wasn’t regular but has been recently and if anything likely to increase .

Before I had children I used to work my socks off usually 6 days a week sometimes 7 Working different jobs . He would never do that, just a normal 5 day week job .He doesn’t believe in it . I did it to save .

I still have substantial money put aside to put towards the new House , just try to keep on top of where he’s going so we can plan

It’s not about my career , it’s more the loss of control and feeling like I’m relying on someone

Who isn’t playing ball

I’m unsure how you can get him to do something, that’s a level of control no one likes to see. You discuss things together and come to a joint decision, you don’t decide on your partners behalf then tell him to do something.

And could you even financially survive if he quit? When is the last time you worked full time?

DH and I have never ‘quit’ a job. You talk about it as something easily done.

You need to have conversations, find an alternative job, apply for the job, get the job and then tell your employer you will be leaving. Not just quitting with no alternative.

He is working 6 days a week and you are working 1. I can see why he might be unhappy.

You need to get married as well.

Why can’t you arrange childcare so you can both work? I don’t think you can realistically ask him to quit when you have four children to support. You’ve already admitted that you can’t match his salary, so if he quits in order for you to work that will massively reduce your household income. How will you support your family when you’re losing so much money?

I am married lol

I don’t mean quit immediately of course

DH and I have never ‘quit’ a job. You talk about it as something easily done.

You need to have conversations, find an alternative job, apply for the job, get the job and then tell your employer you will be leaving. Not just quitting with no alternative.

Fedup21 Sometimes that is the only choice, though not in the case of the OP

Years ago I was in a job that made me miserable; I would come home crying every night and it really affected my mental health. DH was the one who suggested I quit and we find something after; that we’d survive because my health was more important. He was right.

How old are your children? Did you not consider wanting to go back to work before you had all 4 kids? I don’t think you should ask your partner to quit his job! Are you sure you would actually secure a job right now in a pandemic?? Can’t you go part time? And your husband do 4 days. Honestly if the kids are still small I don’t think it’s fair to expect to have it all.

Before I had children I used to work my socks off usually 6 days a week sometimes 7 Working different jobs . He would never do that, just a normal 5 day week job .He doesn’t believe in it . I did it to save

Well unless you had to do this to survive, I’m with your DH here - working 6/7 days a week is a shit work life balance. There is more to life than money and career success.

However, the way you talk about what you have saved for a new house and that your DH won’t say what he/his earnings have saved is concerning. You’re married - why isn’t this a joint savings pot that you both have access to and are aware of the total?

The only way having one person working and the other a SAHP, is if the one working respects the contribution of the one staying at home and if all money is treated as family money. Otherwise it'a a recipe for disaster.

I don't understand why he would have to quit his job though. Is it because you know that your husband wouldn't step up and wouldn't plug the gaps in your home and family life? That's not good.

Also, why is he working 6 days a week? Not good for anyone to do that if it can be avoided.

@Yutrg

No he’s have to quit his job and find something part time or flexible .

We discussed him going part time but his job was too important so they wouldn’t allow it under any circumstances

I can earn enough to cover childcare but then wouldn’t have masses left from that

So he's working 6 days a week so you can move.
Do you mean necessary move or ooh I'd love a nicer hour? Is he working 6 days saving for deposit and moving costs or to cover the rent/mortgage on the new house? Is the plan to drop down to 5 once you moved?

If you can cover childcare costs from your salary plus what it'll cost you in petrol etc, go back to work whilst he keeps working. Money is shared even if you have seperate accounts so he pays towards childcare too, and collectively you are better off. Once you move, he can then drop back to 5 days and review his career choices, going part time or just moving jobs

Whenever I ask him about what we’ve saved he gets angry.

That's worrying. Do you not have access/sight of the savings? With 4 kids and you sacrificing your career, it's definitely a team effort. You need to be a full partner in that team, and that means full and equal access to the money and decisions over how that money is spent.

If you want to work, then yes - absolutely get yourself back into employment properly.

How you do that needs some careful thought. You say your DH would love to spend more time with the kids - if he got a PT job and you got a FT job, would you still both have sufficient income? (If he's working 6 days /wk on a higher salary than you... you need to do the sums to check it's viable).

Any childcare costs would be half yours and half his, so your job would be worthwhile doing as long as you cover half the childcare and still make some additional money.

What ages are your kids?

YABU!

Not in wanting things to change, or even n begin a bit annoyed at the circumstances you are now in.

But you can't fix it.

You both need to set egos aside and discuss what will work best for your family. Sooner rather than later, to stop the deeper resentments from defining your relationship!

I’d be very very worried if my husband got angry when I ask how much money we have saved.

I’m also not sure why you can’t just both work the hours you need or want to and pay for childcare.

You and your husband need to have a clear direction and aims for you all as a family . At the moment you seem to be almost point scoring.

I’d be very very worried if my husband got angry when I ask how much money we have saved.
I agree, but I do wonder what the other side is.
He's working 6 days a week despite wanting to spend time with the kids because they want /need to move. They can afford for op to work but she doesn't. And then she's constantly asking how big the savings are. And yes she should have sight of those, he shouldn't get angry even if she's nagging him etc.

How long is it since you worked full time op and what are you qualified for. If you’ve not worked since you had kids it’s likely at least five years? If not a lot longer?

Have you looked foe full time jobs, applied for any? Has your partner looked for part time oneS? What do you do in your part time role?

Sorry for the confusion everyone .i HAVE worked , always . . Just not juggling several jobs Like I used to and very much flexible and part time working that works around the family commitments . The kids are very young , twins ages 1 year a two year old and a five year old .

about a day a week on average . Sometimes less but increasing now .

We agreed that I would make the kids my main focus.

The housing situation is a nightmare . We NEED to move , the house was a temporary solution when we had baby one !

I think I might get frustrated to the point of anger with this conversation.

Is the issue that you want to move and he doesn’t. Or is that you want to go back to work or what ?

Lol maybe I need help working that out ?

The kids are very young , twins ages 1 year a two year old and a five year old.

Blimey, that must be tough. You're probably right that having both of you working FT would be too much. But if you can make the finances work, there's no reason why he can't be the one doing the main childcare and the PT job.

So is the extra day a week to save up the deposit etc or will he need to contrive it to pay the mortgage/rent?

I think you should look for work that covers your expenses for work and a Nanny/ childcare. Split the cost between you and then you contribute to the bills too, or just have a shared account. So neither of you are worse financially.
If your salary divers that plus his wages for that 6th day, drop the 6th day.
Get the house move and then discuss him dropping hours / changing jobs etc as per finances