Please read my words below -- am I being reasonable - or am i being too protective a father..??
I am fuming, and need to hear what you think about the situation I am finding myself in.... and would like to know what you would do if you were in my shoes.
My wife is Slovakian, and I am English - and in the main our cultures are very similar - we get on very well and have been together for nearly 20 years with hardly a bad word exchanged.
My mother in law married her partner 10 years ago, and we have welcomed him into our family. I got on with him very well until 8 years ago when my wife and I had our first child (a boy called Tommy).
Since Tommy was born my new father in law has completely weirded out over him.
Right from the first time he met Tommy he has been completely smitten, but in my view not a normal way.
He is constantly trying to play with Tommy at the same age level that Tommy is -- when Tommy was a baby my father in law also played with him as a baby,,, when Tommy was 5 he played with him as though he was a five himself. Now Tommy is 7 he plays with him as though he were 7 himself,,, It freaks me out a bit, as my father in law will ignore the other adults in the room, and just play with the kids.
i know this isnt the biggest deal,,, but it freaks me out a lot that a 60 year old man plays like a child and ignores people of his own age. Tommy needs role models, not a 60 year old playmate.
Ok -- theres more....
When my father in law and Tommy are watching TV, my father in law can't keep his hands off my son, his hair, hands, shoulders, and sometimes his bum or thigh. Every time i see this happening I tell my father in law that he shouldn't be touching Tommy there, and he stops. But the next time he comes to visit,,, the same pattern starts again.
Call me unreasonable, but in my upbringing kids were left to play and develop their own imaginations. Yes adults were constantly around, yes they would play games and join in with us. but in the main -- the kids played with the kids,, and the adults stuck to the adults.
I am very much of the thought that you should be leading children into play ... but not being permanently at the centre of it.
I love it when my children say they're bored,,,, because it gives me the opportunity to tell them to use their imaginations, think up their own games, generate their own fun. In order to develop properly they need to learn to be bored, as boredom leads to development.
Anyway -- sorry for venting all this on here .... there's much more.
So two years after Tommy was born, little Katie came along. My father in law shows only passing interest in her, and it is obvious to everyone that he dotes on Tommy and doesn't treat the two children equally.
My wife and I both think that my inlaws are just about responsible enough adults to take care of our children. We let them take them on days out (they have lost Tommy at a large Sea Life Centre - and Katie at a large toy store) and despite the days out, we still don't feel comfortable about them letting them stay overnight ... despite regular long faces from the In Laws when we say no -- its taken nearly 8 years for us to let our kids stay away over night with them
And last night was the first night.
My Father in Law slept in the same bed as my son !!! and I have gone mental over it. In a separate room from my mother in law and his sister.
His strange behaviour over the past 7 years, his total focus on my son, his hands in places that make me feel uncomfortable enough to tell him to stop, his constant efforts to take Tommy away from group situations and play with him exclusively.....
Them sharing a bed last night (I am not saying anything happened - I asked Tommy about does he remember about private parts, and what he should do if people try to touch them -- and he does remember as he has been taught it at school - and he said nothing like that happened) but it just completely creeps me out. Its just plain not right.
It might be a cultural difference - something that in his head he thinks its fine for a grown man to sleep with a 7 year old (we all know this is not the case)
Anyway -- as soon as I found this out this evening I have been on the phone and read him the riot act. He is now offended that I suggest that his behaviour is inappropriate ("what kind of man do you think I am ???? ,,,, and I said someone who shares a bed with my 7 year old against all the norms of society)
So.... in my situation what would you do ?
My wife has spoken to her mother, and received assurances that the children will sleep together in a separate room tonight.., and I am driving 1st thing tomorrow morning to collect them..
I feel like smacking him in the face .. but will not lower myself to that sort of behaviour in front of the kids.
Am i totally over reacting ? -- I don't think so given my long term displeasure at his weird behaviour towards my son.
How do i work this one out.?
No suggestion that he has touched my son -- but there are too many red flags for me to do nothing
This has now caused a big upset with my wife and an upset with my relationship with my inlaws.
My sons needs and safety are paramount.
Can you give me some advice please?