"And Family" on wedding invitation

[WeddingInviteAIBU]

My first AIBU. This is quite an old tale but has been on my mind as one of the main players is still off with me so I thought I'd check with the hive mind if I was in fact unreasonable.

The wedding was of my DH's youngest brother. I'll call him BIL3. DH has several DBs and this was the last to get married. We have 2 DSs. At the time of the invitation they were both adults. Both in long term relationships. DS1 was living with his long term partner. DS2 was living at home with us but in a long term relationship. BIL3 and his fiancée are actually closer in age to my DSs than to DH and me, socialised with them and knew both partners well.

Anyway, the invitation to their wedding arrived at my house and the invitees were DH, me "and family "

Was IBU to check who was covered by the invitation? If it was just my household then one of my sons was excluded. If it was everyone who I considered my family, then it would include both my sons and their partners.

Should it have been obvious what the invitation meant?

To cut a long story short, it turned out both DSs were invited but not their partners. As a result of my query the partners were grudgingly told they could come as evening guests.

The fiancée (now SIL3) was so annoyed at me querying the invitation that she uninvited me from her hen party and has barely spoken to me since. This all happened about 12 years ago!

What did I do wrong?

I wouldn't use "and family" when referring to adult children. I think you were right to check, but equally I wouldn't mention children.

This reminds my cousin's wedding (also many years ago). An invitation was sent to my parents inviting them "... and family". At that point I'd not lived with my parents for 10 years and was on the verge of getting married myself. I felt being lumped in with my parents invite was rather infantilising, decided I wasn't invited, and didn't go.

A husband,partner and their children only. Did you say this was 12 years ago,and you are still thinking about it.?

I think yoyr bul and sil are at fault.If they had sent everyone an invitation then you wouldn't have had the need to ask.

Your BIL and SIL were out of order to not invite your DS' partners to the wedding. That's really rude and strange considering they'd all socialised together before.

And your SIL ignoring you for years because you queried this is plain weird.

Very odd and rude behaviour and I wouldn't want people like these in my life.

YANBU. They should have been clearer, and it's only sensible to check.

Your BIL and SIL were out of order to not invite your DS' partners to the wedding. That's really rude and strange considering they'd all socialised together before.

No, sorry. They can invite exactly who they want to.

A 'no ring, no bring' policy isn't unusual. If you invite everyone's girlfriends and boyfriends it's nuts. It doesn't sound as though they're all that close anyway.

I would have interpreted it as you and your DSs only, but your SIL should have invited at least the partner who was living with DS1.

And she should have got over it approximately 11 years and 11 months ago.

12 years ago! Wouldn’t give it another moments thought!

*No, sorry. They can invite exactly who they want to.

A 'no ring, no bring' policy isn't unusual. If you invite everyone's girlfriends and boyfriends it's nuts. It doesn't sound as though they're all that close anyway.*

No, sorry, it's still rude and out of order. A lot of people don't get married now, the OP's sons may be with their partners for years and not marry. A long term partner should always be invited. And the DSs as adults should have been invited with a plus one, doesn't matter who lives with who, they are adults.

You didn’t do anything wrong. They should have written actual names on the invitation.

We’ve had similar invitations. I assumed it meant us and adult D.C. not their partners. To my mind if the partners were invited the adult D.C. would get their own invitation for them and a plus 1.

If I had been in your position and after asking the partners were added as evening guests I would have been embarrassed that the couple thought I was hinting for an invitation for them and would have rejected the idea straightaway.

That being said, it seems mad that you and the SIL are still feuding about it 12 years later. I think you should be the bigger person here, ignore her sulking and try to be nice to her.

It is never unreasonable to politely ask for clarification.

Doesn’t matter if 99.9% of people would have a clear understanding of “and family”, it’s fine time check.

However, I’m a bit at your later post saying that you were “hurt” that your sons weren’t named. That’s just ridiculous.

If your BIL totally thought that “and family” meant your children whether residing with you or not, but not their partners, wherever the lived then although it’s CLEARER to name then, it’s certainly not a slight to not do so.

You can’t invite everyone to a wedding. It’s OK not to include partners - though it’s also OK to decline.

For you to feel hurt for your sons not to be named, and hurt that the girlfriends weren’t invited (it is totally irrelevant that they are now the mothers of your grandchildren) suggests to me that you might have done a bit more than make a casual enquiry for clarification, at the time.

I hate ambiguous wedding invites. I once received an invite from an old friend, addressed just to me, no actual names on the invite. So off I trecked on my own, half way across the country, only to be met with "oh it's such a shame 'dp' couldn't make it, I was looking forward to meeting him!!" Well, how was I supposed to know he was invited?!?!

@Nottherealslimshady. What you suggest is a great idea but in our family we wouldn’t necessarily know the names of all the children. And even if we had once known them we might forget them or get confused, particularly as both our families use a lot of traditional family names (every second child is called Patrick or Catherine, and don’t get me started on all the little John Paul’s and Kayleighs of various spellings) And with adult DC it’s hard to know which child is living at home and which one has moved out or moved back home again. It’s a minefield. Putting the wrong name or missing someone off would be such a massive faux pas I can see why people might just put ‘and family’.

And family is lazy, they knew the names of your sons so why not put it on the invitation. Different if the boys were 2 and 4 but adults should not be referred to like this on an invitation.

However, their girlfriends were not family so therefore were not included. Your original post is worded like you think they should have been invited, therefore maybe the couple picked on on this?

It’s not a big deal that you asked (although it might have been interpreted as gosling for extra invites) and should have been handled better by the couple.

@Ellisandra

It is never unreasonable to politely ask for clarification.

Doesn’t matter if 99.9% of people would have a clear understanding of “and family”, it’s fine time check.

However, I’m a bit at your later post saying that you were “hurt” that your sons weren’t named. That’s just ridiculous.

If your BIL totally thought that “and family” meant your children whether residing with you or not, but not their partners, wherever the lived then although it’s CLEARER to name then, it’s certainly not a slight to not do so.

You can’t invite everyone to a wedding. It’s OK not to include partners - though it’s also OK to decline.

For you to feel hurt for your sons not to be named, and hurt that the girlfriends weren’t invited (it is totally irrelevant that they are now the mothers of your grandchildren) suggests to me that you might have done a bit more than make a casual enquiry for clarification, at the time.

Hurt may have been a bit strong, but I cannot imagine ever omitting to actually write my nieces' or nephews' names on an invitation. It's lazy.

And yes, it was a casual enquiry. And once we got the answer I never mentioned it again.

You haven't done anything wrong asking for clarification, especially when the brother getting married himself habitually brought different plus 1s to all family events.

Your SIL is rude for carrying a grudge over a question asked out of courtesy to all. Your BIL should have stopped this behaviour or your DH should have had a word about what the hell was going on with it.

I’m not sure if, “and family” is actually lazy. I get Xmas cards like that from relatives sometimes, and I know they’re not lazy. I think it’s a bit of a convention - and people often do follow whatever they think is convention for wedding invitations. I wouldn’t assume “and family” was lazy. Which goes back to my point about OP being “hurt” that their names weren’t used. I think that’s an OTT emotional reaction - and I doubt her enquiry came across as simple clarification.

I really don’t think it is lazy, though @WeddingInviteAIBU

It doesn’t make sense. It takes almost zero effort to write two names instead of, “and family”. You’re probably talking an extra 10 letters, maybe? So lazy doesn’t make sense as an explanation. That’s why I think they were choosing the phrase for other reasons - they thought it was correct wedding invitation convention, or thought it was nice.

I gave an aunt who writes, “from our family to yours” at Xmas. She’s not lazy! Her cards are beautifully written, they’re chosen according the the receiver, she’ll write a “PS hope X’s school nativity went well.” But to her, “our family to yours” is a nice greeting.

I don’t think lazy is the more likely motivator.

That's not the reason why she doesn't speak to you. She probably just doesn't like your personality or you have done other things she doesn't like and this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

We spent time double checking names, spelling, addresses and who lived where. I thought that was just normal.

Obvious to me, no partners for your sons. They’re not Faaaamiilly.

I would take 'and family' to mean the household living together (also including student DC who are away during termtimes)

I would expect invitations to those who had permanently left home to be sent to their home addresses (on the assumption that close family know where they are and who they live with, and will invite cohabitees if they want to (and leave it up,to them to sort out what is meant if they find it unclear)

But there is nothing whatsoever wrong with checking who they meant, if they have not used names on the invitation.

My guess is the way you asked, which you intended as neutral, was interpreted as begging for partners included (because they thought what they meant was obvious - but rule of thumb is anything which can be misinterpreted, will be)

You didn’t do anything wrong.

I’d read plus family as your two kids and not the partners as they are not family. They are your family members partners.

I would take 'and family' to mean the household living together (also including student DC who are away during termtimes)

I would expect invitations to those who had permanently left home to be sent to their home addresses (on the assumption that close family know where they are and who they live with, and will invite cohabitees if they want to (and leave it up,to them to sort out what is meant if they find it unclear)

Yep, I'd have thought the same. For clarity I would have just put the names on tbh. Especially if I wasn't sure who lived where. I have a large family, I invited aunts and uncles but not cousins (all adult) so invites were addressed to e.g. Uncle Bob and Aunt Sheila etc. I'd only use "and family" where it was a couple with young children, anything else other than names is too ambiguous.