"And Family" on wedding invitation

[WeddingInviteAIBU]

My first AIBU. This is quite an old tale but has been on my mind as one of the main players is still off with me so I thought I'd check with the hive mind if I was in fact unreasonable.

The wedding was of my DH's youngest brother. I'll call him BIL3. DH has several DBs and this was the last to get married. We have 2 DSs. At the time of the invitation they were both adults. Both in long term relationships. DS1 was living with his long term partner. DS2 was living at home with us but in a long term relationship. BIL3 and his fiancée are actually closer in age to my DSs than to DH and me, socialised with them and knew both partners well.

Anyway, the invitation to their wedding arrived at my house and the invitees were DH, me "and family "

Was IBU to check who was covered by the invitation? If it was just my household then one of my sons was excluded. If it was everyone who I considered my family, then it would include both my sons and their partners.

Should it have been obvious what the invitation meant?

To cut a long story short, it turned out both DSs were invited but not their partners. As a result of my query the partners were grudgingly told they could come as evening guests.

The fiancée (now SIL3) was so annoyed at me querying the invitation that she uninvited me from her hen party and has barely spoken to me since. This all happened about 12 years ago!

What did I do wrong?

wouldn't have have assumed partners as it clearly states family

Even in a family, mine for example, people seem to have different ideas about what constitutes a family member.

1 sister thinks family means just siblings and everyone else thinks family means the attached people who've been strangely turning up for lunches and dinners and get togethers for the last 25 years

Just realised this happened 12 years ago??

Surely she/they must've told you by now what they feel you did wrong?

If you queried the invitation politely, it's a huge leap to uninvite you to her hen do.

There has to be more to this OP?

Also would have thought it means you two + children.

I would say it depends on how you have asked them. Some people are really weird about wedding invitations and you might have come across as pushy.

And family isn't good practice. Etiquette wise you should name everyone on an invitation and adults should get their own invitation even if living with their parents. It's not unreasonable to ask for clarification in any case.

And family tends to be for dependent children rather than adults who tend to be named so it was a little odd in that context and worth clarifying.

Hardly worth a 12 year grudge.

I think the fact that everyone on this thread seems to have different ideas of what family means suggests that’s it’s not obvious so checking wasn’t unreasonable

12 years ago ? Time to get a new hobby OP !

Sometimes being explicit doesn’t help anyway - I sent an invite to Uncle, Aunt and Cousin (young adult living at home) and still got those 3 + Cousins (not that long term) Girlfriend who was not invited turning up! I’m not planning a 12 year grudge over it though.

You did nothing wrong at all. I would have guessed it meant you, DH and your two DSs only, but better to query than have uninvited guests turn up! Teaches them to be more specific with their invites.

I would have assumed family, not partners. Named individuals and their children.

I queried the invite by asking BIL3, are both the boys invited, and what about their partners? The answer was just the boys, but the girls can come in the evening if they want. They could have sent DS1 his own invitation. They knew his address. And they definitely knew everyone's names!

I could of course, write a book about all the weird things this pair have done. BIL3 has always insisted on getting a plus one for himself to every family occasion prior to this. He had 3 different partners with him to each of the other brothers weddings. I do think that plus ones are pretty standard for close family and they did know both the girls well.

The wedding was large BTW, loads of guests.

I may have over-egged the univitaton to the hen party. I was told that a weekend away was planned. Lovely. Never heard another thing about it until it was all over. My other 2 SILSs were invited and did go.

I would have assumed you and any children still living at home. But it doesn't seem unreasonable to check.

It depends on how you asked.

If it was asked in a very loaded way, so that the bride and groom then felt obliged to extend the invitation and they didn't really want to, then, yes YABU. But they're being unreasonable to continue to hold a grudge years later.

I would say ‘and family’ generally means ‘and your children’ - if they had wanted to invite the partners as well I’d have expected your sons to get their own invitations with ‘DS1 and guest’ or ‘DS2 and (named partner)’, and when you queried it would perhaps they felt pressured to invite your DILs when they didn’t want to. This

I haven't been brooding about this for 12 years straight. It came into my mind again recently as SIL3 is a bit off with me. We don't see them often fortunately.

And I'd agree with the people who are saying "and family" would be your sons. If they'd wanted partners there, they'd have invited your sons separately with plus ones.

You really need to get over it.

Perhaps asking them about the girls did put them under pressure. I concede I may have been unreasonable there but I really didn't know who the invitation covered. If they had been clear I wouldn't have needed to ask.

Checking was not unreasonable. Expecting your DS's partners to be invited, is. So, depends how you asked?

At our wedding we invited DH's aunt and uncle plus their three DC - their ages ranged from 16 - 21. Only the eldest had a partner. They live abroad and so were travelling in just for our wedding. They asked whether the eldest DC could bring his girlfriend as she was coming with him for a holiday. We said yes as they were coming all that way and we couldn't exactly let her sit in a hotel room during our wedding - we were guilt tripped into it, we had been trying to keep the wedding small!
On the day she didn't turn up. Turns out their plans changed and she was going to join him a few days later. It still annoys me now that they didn't bother to let us know.

They got married a few years back and I was VERY tempted to do the same to them

You feel you’re right. Accept your own judgement and that they have a different opinion. If they’re rude to you either ignore or discuss it with them.

You didn't do anything wrong and she sounds batshit. How is it wrong to ask for clarity? Some people would assume partners were included, others wouldn't- asking is sensible, having a tantrum about being asked is really not.

"And family " is a stupid thing to put on an invitation. I named everyone invited on the invites even the babies. No confusion.

I would say ‘and family’ generally means ‘and your children’ - if they had wanted to invite the partners as well I’d have expected your sons to get their own invitations with ‘DS1 and guest’ or ‘DS2 and (named partner)’, and when you queried it would perhaps they felt pressured to invite your DILs when they didn’t want to.
This.
Querying if 'and family' meant your sons, even though I'd have said that was obvious, is reasonable to double check it's just your children.
Asking 'bur what about their partners' is pushy and the size of their wedding is irrelevant. I'd have struggled to have 150 people that I would invite to my wedding. One of my friends has a large family and is very active in a large church so easily had 200 people. It doesn't mean they should have invited extra people because theirs was large.

As PP have said, it sounds like there's more to this than the wedding.

"And family " is a stupid thing to put on an invitation. I named everyone invited on the invites even the babies. No confusion.

Agreed, it is. i do it when I can't quite remember how to spell people's names . But for a wedding where numbers really matter, being explicit is sensible.

But it does sound like OP, perhaps unintentionally, made them feel like they had to invite the partners. Ridiculous to still be angry about it years later tho.

To me "and family" means your DC, but not their partners. Checking is fine but could easily have come across as an expectation