"And Family" on wedding invitation

[WeddingInviteAIBU]

My first AIBU. This is quite an old tale but has been on my mind as one of the main players is still off with me so I thought I'd check with the hive mind if I was in fact unreasonable.

The wedding was of my DH's youngest brother. I'll call him BIL3. DH has several DBs and this was the last to get married. We have 2 DSs. At the time of the invitation they were both adults. Both in long term relationships. DS1 was living with his long term partner. DS2 was living at home with us but in a long term relationship. BIL3 and his fiancée are actually closer in age to my DSs than to DH and me, socialised with them and knew both partners well.

Anyway, the invitation to their wedding arrived at my house and the invitees were DH, me "and family "

Was IBU to check who was covered by the invitation? If it was just my household then one of my sons was excluded. If it was everyone who I considered my family, then it would include both my sons and their partners.

Should it have been obvious what the invitation meant?

To cut a long story short, it turned out both DSs were invited but not their partners. As a result of my query the partners were grudgingly told they could come as evening guests.

The fiancée (now SIL3) was so annoyed at me querying the invitation that she uninvited me from her hen party and has barely spoken to me since. This all happened about 12 years ago!

What did I do wrong?

I personally hate and family bit when the “children” are adults. I am married with two children and my parents were sent an invite to a family party which stated “and family” . my parents also had to phone up to find out who the and family were, it include myself, husband, kids and my sister and her boyfriend who she lives with. My sister and I both refused to go as we said we have not been invited I was very insulted by the invite and felt I should have been sent my own especially as it was done by email as well.

You did nothing wrong, OP. She should be glad you were clarifying and don't just turn up with 2-4 "extra" guests!
Personally, if I were her, the son that didn't live with you would have got his own invite (plus partner!), and yours would have specified OP, DH and younger son (no partner).

I would have assumed family no partners

I’m another one who thinks this obviously means “you, your DH and your kids” - nobody else.

if the partners were invited too, your sons would have got their own separate invites.

But after 12 years, I think they’d bvu if not stark staring mad to still be holding a grudge over the fact you double checked.

Your adult sons should've received their own invitations to avoid any confusion. You didn't do anything wrong checking who was invited, it sounded unclear.

12 years ago and it haunts you still? Crying in a bucket

I think “and family” would mean the children who live with you. Every time it’s been on an invitation I’ve had its basically meant “and the kids you have to bring”

I would have checked about your ds who doesn’t live with you too

I thought it was pretty obvious who was invited. Had the partners of your sons been invited I would have thought they’d have had a separate invite.

I would only use and family if the people had young children, but generally speaking I’d assume it means your sons. I wouldn’t assume gfs were invited unless the invite specified personally.

It’s a bit odd including adult children on their parent’s invite anyway, surely you’d send them their own addressed to them?

Maybe she isn't off with you over that? My In-laws permanently assume I have the bump with them, but that's because they are all very social, live on the same housing estate and are a large family - they know everything about everyone and go happily into each other's houses without even knocking or calling ahead.

I come from a tiny family, I only have 3 living blood relatives, two of which live in a different country. I can happily go for months without speaking to any of them and then we have a huge catch up.

Maybe there is a similar dynamic here and your personal styles are just different which makes you think she's off with you? I honestly cannot imagine someone could still be off with you about a detail that small 12 years later.

For "bump" read "hump"

Whatever the rights and wrongs of your query, “and family” is a lot of BS in the first place!
I might put it on a Christmas card to a neighbour I’m on “good morning” terms with and I didn’t know the names of their kids - not a wedding invitation to my own nephews

Thanks everyone. This has actually helped. I do feel reassured that checking in itself was not unreasonable but mentioning the partners did perhaps put them under pressure. Please be assured that I do have a life and hobbies ( cycling!) and have not spent 12 years worrying about this. I guess I felt hurt on behalf of my sons for not being mentioned by name, and the girls (now both my DILSs and mothers of my grandchildren) for being left out completely.

As with all families there is plenty more to it and enough batshittery from the pair of them for a dozen AIBUs.

& Family to me is you and dses but not partners. I'd expect them to receive their own invite or be specifically named.

I'm not sure why querying if their partners were included has evolved into a reluctant invite.
Surely the conversation would go:
"Just checking, who the invite is for, is it just the dses or their partners too?"
"Just the dses."
"Thanks for clearing that up, looking forward to it."

The only way a reluctant invite would be extended would be if they felt pressurised to say yes, surely.

Anyone would check what and family means on a wedding invite. I can't see why anyone would hold it against you. There must be more to it than that.
But this is 12 years on, why have you let this go on for so long without talking to her or others and finding out?
so for all you know she's completely forgotten about that invitation and its something else. She invited the two other SILS to the hen do, did you ever find out why. Did you ask the other SILs.
How has your relationship developed over the last 12 years? Can you just ask her why she's off with you. or the other SILs.
Is it the case that you were "off" with her for that last 12 years for not inviting you to the hen do and things have just continued on that footing so that the "distance" between you both has become really well established. Perhaps she had a good reason for limiting the hen do and your reaction convinced her that you didn't like her. Until you ask or examine the behaviour of both of you not now but over the last 12 years you won't really know.
You don't have to be best friends if you don't like each other. YOu can be civil and polite so that larger family occasions go more smoothly and that is OK.

Personally I would read 'and family' to mean the 4 of you, otherwise you would expect to see 'and partners'. I think it was thoughtful of you to query it though, rather than turn up en masse. How petty of them to be sulking 12 years later. Are you sure this is the real reason?

Some people are just arseholes. Does sound like there's more to this tho, as who on earth would take offence at that? Very OTT. But no loss it seems, hurtful tho.

Leaving you out of the weekend away that the others went to is awful. Even if she did think you shouldn’t have asked re the invitation, that’s far worse, a really horrible thing to do. She’s got a major cheek to still be off with you all these years later but it sounds like the less you have to speak to her the better.

Depends how you queried it.
Perhaps she took offence at the wording you used or your manner. Maybe she's like some mumsetters and thinks people are giving them dirty looks when they're not.
Who knows? It's been a long time so try to forget about it.

According to Indian etiquette ‘and family’ refers to just the family living in the house with you. So it could include parents but not a child if that child was living elsewhere.

She should have written Mr and Mrs OP and ds1 and ds2. She provided no clarity and therefore the question had to be asked. Don’t get me on the topic of weddings with tiered parts depending on the happy couples perception of their importance to them.

I refer to she in the context of the cats mother. It is otherwise impolite but appears to fit here.

Based on the information here, it sounds like your SIL and BIL are a bit cuckoo.

Better you should ask for clarification than just assume and show up with more people than expected! And if it was a large wedding, it would be stingy of them to not include your sons' partners.

You did nothing wrong. It would be way worse to turn up with extra unexpected people. It's a vauge term and not one I would use on an invitation because of this. Sil sounds highly strung.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. The fault lies with the people doing the inviting. Usually adults living in a separate household would get their own invitation.

Oh also @WeddingInviteAIBU I totally get how stuff from ages ago will pop up. Of course it doesn't mean you've spent the intervening years dwelling on it! I think as women were brought up to not make a fuss and upset people so even when you try to get away from that. It can still feel like you are doing wrong which is why I think these things from ages ago pop up.