Pregnant in unhappy relationship

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Posting in 'AIBU' for traffic

I am 30 weeks pregnant, me and my ‘partner’ both live with our parents over an hour away from each other. We were together for a year before I found out I was pregnant. The thing is I don’t feel very happy in our relationship, it’s impacting on me negatively and there is more bad than good. We both have mental health issues and lately he has really been dragging me down and it’s starting to affect me, he seems to use his problems as an excuse for everything, and it is always about him at the moment. It really stresses me out and I’ve not been happy in our relationship for a long time (6 months+) so this isn’t a heat of the moment decision I have made. I’ve also tried to split up with him in the past and he has quite often threatened suicide and I have always come back because I feel guilty, I know it’s a form of emotional abuse. There are other things too that I won’t go into that tells me he is not ‘the one’ and I genuinely feel I would be so much happier without him. I understand that I’m going to have to have contact with him for the sake of our baby, but I would rather split up before baby is here so we have time for it to sink in properly and it won’t add to the stress and hormones of when baby is here, as 100% of my attention will need to be on her, I’m not going to have time for a ‘relationship’ that only adds to my stress. I won’t have time to try to ‘look after’ him. It is always me texting him first, he never really checks up on me or does anything to make me ‘feel special’, and at the moment, his excuse for everything is because he’s struggling, which is totally ok but I am also struggling, the whole world doesn’t revolve around him and we should be supporting each other. I feel so alone in this pregnancy and I just know that I would be better off without him, as I’m really unhappy at the moment (and have been for a long time). He never asks about scans or appointments even though I tell him when they are and say to write them down, it is always down to me and he just doesn’t seem interested, he blames his ‘memory’ for this due to his medication, which may be true but it’s really not that hard to write down a date and remember it and ask about your own child? It just upsets me as his mental health is an excuse for everything, which really isn’t fair at all. He doesn’t want to come down and see baby once she’s born, he wants me to go to him because of his ‘anxiety’ even though there is a train station at the end of my road and he has never had an issue getting the train before, I have anxiety, I know what it’s like and I really do not believe it’s because of anxiety. He expects me to travel over an hour to his house, when she’s less than a month old because if I don’t then I’m not ‘accommodating the dad into the routine’. And I ‘owe him’ some alone time and since we haven’t seen each other since lockdown, I ‘should at least give him that’. I feel so alone and very pressured/trapped in our relationship and I just want out, I need to look after me and baby, and I don’t need the stress of a relationship, especially not an unhealthy one.
I don’t know what I want from this post, maybe some reassurance?
But thank you for reading as it was a long one.

Sending hugs
It sounds like you already live a separate life so there wouldn’t be much transition? Do what makes you feel comfortable xx

This does sound like a lot.
Have you spoken to your parents about this?

If he lives with his parents and you're wanting to break up, I would suggest letting them know so that they can monitor him if he acts suicidal.
You clearly can see that your baby needs to come first, and he doesn't seem to be thinking clearly about it. Taking a newborn on a train for over an hour during a pandemic when you don't need to would be ridiculous.

You don't owe him.
Mental health issues are difficult but they don't mean that you have to do everything he wants.

See what support you can get from your family, and speak to Women's Aid if you need advice on breaking up with someone who is controlling you with threats of suicide.
It seems like you already know what you want to do but it's hard to do it.

You don't owe him anything. Honestly, just cut him loose and concentrate on yourself and the baby. Why should you run around after him? He is responsible for his own happiness and if he threatens suicide, just call the police. His decisions are not your responsibility. If he wants to be a part of the baby's life then it's up to him to grow up and put the effort in.

Honestly you have to prioritise yourself and Your child. I wouldn’t be running about after his arse and certainly wouldn’t take a newborn to him on the train in what October?! No way. It’ll be miserable plus probably still some
Restrictions in place.

I’d split up with him and every time he sends a suicide ‘threat’ forward it to his parents. He’s living with them. Let them deal.

I’d also be prepared that he takes no involvement once baby is here and make sure you are set to go it alone.

Good luck

@Mumoblue
Yes you're right, I know what I want to do but it's just actually doing it as obviously I still care about him, and I don't want to be in the same position where I'm running back to him. His mum is aware of his mental health, as last time I tried to break up with him, he called an ambulance because he wasn't feeling safe and I got a message the day after from his mum. Saying basically 'he has told me you aren't together anymore, just to let you know he was taken to hospital last night but he wants you to know it isn't your fault.'
Which I cannot for the life of me understand what the purpose of that message was other than to worry me and make me blame myself and come running back to him, which I stupidly did

@Travis1

I'm preparing for him to not want to bother to be involved, (which is what I'd actually prefer) but obviously I don't know what would happen nearer the time so I'm keeping an open mind, but I'm thinking about all the possible scenarios and I'm prepared to be 'alone, alone', I have great support from my mum so this doesn't really bother me at all

Text his mum and tell her that you cannot take the baby out until it’s had it’s jags (which I think is the 6 week point) and that if he doesn’t make an effort before then you will be very unhappy. Ask that she supports him to be a good parent by travelling with him to your house. Note that she sent you a message asking you to help her child (the one about the hospital) and you are now asking her to help yours.

It sounds like you could go low contact fairly easily as if you don't phone/message/visit it sounds like he doesn't instigate much contact.

I agree that you should concentrate on you and your baby.

As you haven't seen each other for months and don't plan to see each other anytime soon I wouldn't spend too much time and energy defining your relationship at the moment as together or not together.

Your priority is your baby. His priority should be to support you and his child. If he is "bringing you down" in a phone call for example just say "I can't deal with negativity right now you will have to speak to your parents - byyeee"

In your mind and in the way you treat him define him as the "father of your child". So treat him kindly, let him know when baby is born, send him a picture but no need to phone up or visit if he can't be bothered or isn't interested.

I'm sorry you are in this position. I hope your family are supportive.

It’s a no brainer. You don’t want to be with him, you’re not sacrificing anything financially by separating from him. He is an emotional drain on you and doesn’t think about your needs and your baby won’t know what you were like together. Oh and you don’t even need to worry about the logistics of moving.

Frankly I can’t see a single thing in the “stay together” column. Just separate and bring your baby up without the millstone round your neck.

So tell him when the appointments are, but expect him not to attend. If you want to tell him when you have gone into Labour, but I assume he’s not going to be there? Maybe now is the time to say it’s over, better now then dragging on

If he tries anything again as before it’s not your fault, it’s down to him

Then tell him if he wants to see the baby he has to come to you, rather than expect you to get on a train with a new baby and all the stuff needed to visit him, it’s them his choice

You can very clearly see yourself that this is not a man to be involved with.

Yes, a certain amount of contact will be required but you can limit that.

He’s not your responsibility. He’s emotionally abusive and you need to keep yourself and your baby safe.

He’s not travelling to see you when she’s born but wants you to travel over an hour on a train when she’s 4 weeks?! So he’s not going to see her until she’s 4 weeks?! Fuck that! He might have mental health issues but he sounds like an arse hole to me.
Getting rid is really going to have no negative impact on your life.

In this case there's no point even having the break up conversation, it sounds like it will cause a lot of drama for no reason - you're functionally broken up anyway.

It's not ideal under normal circumstances but just do a 'slow fade'. Don't text him first, don't engage emotionally with him, if he texts you angry that you're not pandering to him then act surprised and say you were giving him space, then keep doing the same again to wean him off you. Slowly back out of the relationship.

He obviously doesn't care about you or the baby; he hasn't seen you since lockdown! Concentrate on caring for yourself and making a cosy life for you and your daughter. Don't be dragged into his drama, let his mum look after him.

Also, when the baby is born, give her your surname and don't agree for him to have sleepovers / long visits with her without you while she's tiny. He can visit her at your parents house, but you're not getting on a train for an hour with a newborn, when you might have stitches or birth complications, so you can hand deliver his baby to him. He is delusional.

I need to 'officially' split up with him so I can have closure and it is clear to both of us. I have emotionally separated myself from him anyway and haven't been speaking to him for the past week, I need to send him 'the' text message so I can move on kinda thing @MarioPuzo

I would just keep your distance a bit from him and not visit
Once you've got your baby you're right, you won't have the time and the energy for his dramas
I'm sure you'll just drift apart

But if not you need to get rid of him he sounds awful x

OK that's great that you've already disconnected from him. Try a kind but firm message like:

"hi X. Neither of us are happy in this relationship right now so it's best if we separate. Obviously we will always be connected because of our daughter and I know you'll be a great dad. Hopefully we can concentrate on the next phase of our lives and being the best parents we can be. I'll let you know when the appointments are in case you want to come along."

Then just give him the broken record "this is what's best for our daughter" "neither of us are happy" "we are not happy together" etc. Don't ask questions, get dragged into his emotions or get involved in an argument. Just repeat what that you've made your choice and you wish him well.

Good luck you don't need this stress.

@MarioPuzo
Thank you, and I agree with the last bit about just being firm and repeating what I've said already. If it goes into the nitty gritty and the 'why's' then it'll just be prolonged and I don't need to explain myself, Just emphasise that I'm not happy. Thank you for your help

Yes definitely time to reframe the situation. Personally I wouldn’t invite him to any more appointments and not the birth. You need positive support which your DM will provide.

I also wouldn’t say, ‘I know you’ll be a great dad.’ The signs aren’t looking good. ‘I hope you’ll be a good Dad’ leaves it up to him.

I would then limit all contact to short updates on the baby and focus your mind away from him. I’d be surprised if you own mental health didn’t improve quite soon.

He is not your responsibility and you are not responsible in any way for him building a relationship with his DD beyond providing reasonable access.

Good luck. Get on with it quickly and move on.

Yes I really doubt he will be a great dad, but thought it best for the OP to set the expectations of him high from the start. In all likelihood he will see the baby twice, never visit again but tell everyone that his evil ex girlfriend is preventing him from having access These men are all the same.

My motto is 'Never complain, never explain.' If you start being dragged into explanations then you get stuck in a whirlpool of arguments and it confuses the message. You are strong, you've made your choice, you and the baby are going to have such peaceful happy lives together. I'm sure you’ll feel like a weight has been lifted from you as soon as you've broken up with him.

I would leave him, easier to do it now before baby is born. You're barely together as it is.

Give baby your surname and don't put him on the BC unless he really steps up.

He seems happy to not see his child until she's 4 weeks old, and then only if you travel an hour with her on public transport, during a pandemic as he's not prepared to get public transport himself. Fuck that.

It's clear you and your baby aren't his priority.

I'm not going to mention anything about our baby when I split up with him, I'm going to leave that down to him, and then nothing can be miscommunicated. I haven't said anything about him not seeing her and I've given him no reasons why he wouldn't be able to have contact, so that's a conversation for nearer the time. I don't want to mention baby because whether we're together or not together, has nothing to do with him having a relationship with her if you know what I mean, like our relationship doesn't affect his ability to be a good dad to her in the future if he chooses to be involved.

You know what you have to do OP good luck
With the break up

So the deed has been done so to speak, he sent about 15 messages after saying he was sorry and he doesn't know what he did wrong, and that he will give me time and space to work on myself. I wanted to clarify things again so said, I don't need time or space, I have made up my mind, please don't contact me about our relationship again. (Specified 'our' relationship so not mentioned baby).
Instead of just leaving it until baby is born, he has put this; 'ok, we'll discuss when I can see baby and sort out a routine when you're ready to talk'.
Now obviously I am not going to deny him the right to see his child, but I'm feeling really anxious about this. I've decided to just wait until she is born to sort out a contact arrangement as I cannot deal with the stress of it now and really do not need to talk to him or deal with him until baby is actually here.
We're both under 19 and live with our parents, he lives an hour and a half away, and I am just really scared that he is going to want to take baby to his house when she is born, so he can see her without me kinda thing, but that would involve a 3 hour round trip, and I don't want her to be separated from me that young when we're still bonding. When I do talk to him about seeing her, I'm going to make it clear that he is welcome to come here to visit her, but if he suggests picking her up and taking her to his, what exactly could happen if I said no? Because I really do not want to be separated from a newborn baby for 4 hours+ (that I'm planning to breastfeed so most likely she'll be attached to me most of the time) or even overnight!
Like I said in my original post, he has mental health issues and has disassociations which means he's not really conscious of what's going on, for instance, he punched a wall whilst having an episode. I really don't want our newborn baby to be at risk of anything or be exposed to anything and I'm worried that he's not going to come down to see her, but instead say 'I'm going to pick her up and she'll spend time at my house'. I know that he has rights, but he hasn't been there at all during the pregnancy, not ever asking about appointments, or asking me how I'm getting on with getting stuff ready, or even offering to pay for anything. And now he's asking me how my last scan went, he has never once asked, why the sudden interest?
I'm just having a bit of a rant but I'm really anxious for what's going to happen when she's born and what my rights are as her mum?

One thing at a time OP, try not to stress about it now. Youve done really well. Yes you both will need to arrange visitation for your ex but it shouldn’t all be on you.

If you’re BFing he will have to accommodate that. Also bear in mind he’s still adjusting to the news that you are no longer together