Pregnant in unhappy relationship

[usernameerror101]

Posting in 'AIBU' for traffic

I am 30 weeks pregnant, me and my ‘partner’ both live with our parents over an hour away from each other. We were together for a year before I found out I was pregnant. The thing is I don’t feel very happy in our relationship, it’s impacting on me negatively and there is more bad than good. We both have mental health issues and lately he has really been dragging me down and it’s starting to affect me, he seems to use his problems as an excuse for everything, and it is always about him at the moment. It really stresses me out and I’ve not been happy in our relationship for a long time (6 months+) so this isn’t a heat of the moment decision I have made. I’ve also tried to split up with him in the past and he has quite often threatened suicide and I have always come back because I feel guilty, I know it’s a form of emotional abuse. There are other things too that I won’t go into that tells me he is not ‘the one’ and I genuinely feel I would be so much happier without him. I understand that I’m going to have to have contact with him for the sake of our baby, but I would rather split up before baby is here so we have time for it to sink in properly and it won’t add to the stress and hormones of when baby is here, as 100% of my attention will need to be on her, I’m not going to have time for a ‘relationship’ that only adds to my stress. I won’t have time to try to ‘look after’ him. It is always me texting him first, he never really checks up on me or does anything to make me ‘feel special’, and at the moment, his excuse for everything is because he’s struggling, which is totally ok but I am also struggling, the whole world doesn’t revolve around him and we should be supporting each other. I feel so alone in this pregnancy and I just know that I would be better off without him, as I’m really unhappy at the moment (and have been for a long time). He never asks about scans or appointments even though I tell him when they are and say to write them down, it is always down to me and he just doesn’t seem interested, he blames his ‘memory’ for this due to his medication, which may be true but it’s really not that hard to write down a date and remember it and ask about your own child? It just upsets me as his mental health is an excuse for everything, which really isn’t fair at all. He doesn’t want to come down and see baby once she’s born, he wants me to go to him because of his ‘anxiety’ even though there is a train station at the end of my road and he has never had an issue getting the train before, I have anxiety, I know what it’s like and I really do not believe it’s because of anxiety. He expects me to travel over an hour to his house, when she’s less than a month old because if I don’t then I’m not ‘accommodating the dad into the routine’. And I ‘owe him’ some alone time and since we haven’t seen each other since lockdown, I ‘should at least give him that’. I feel so alone and very pressured/trapped in our relationship and I just want out, I need to look after me and baby, and I don’t need the stress of a relationship, especially not an unhealthy one.
I don’t know what I want from this post, maybe some reassurance?
But thank you for reading as it was a long one.

Mental health might be the reason for his behaviour but it doesn’t excuse it. You can’t stay with someone like this and risk bringing yourself down when you’ve a little one on the way.
It’ll be hard but you’ll be a great mum and hopefully he can learn to coparent minus the relationship.

• Don't put him on the birth certificate

- Use your surname and name choice - A court very unlikely to make a breastfed baby have time with dad without mum under 18 months. I would breastfeed as long as you can.

• contact always at your place under your supervision, little and often recommended so maybe 30 mins/1 hour twice a week for visitation. Always have your parents near. Don't let him take child.
• don't invite to appointments/birth
• don't text/communicate with him first. Short and to the point replies. Don't feed into it otherwise he will think he has a chance to rekindle things. Likely will leave you alone and forget but be prepared in case he doesn't, need to have clear boundaries and not be sucked back into drama for your sake/baby's sake.
• do not get back together

Keep reminding yourself that you do not owe him a thing - but you do owe the baby a right to be safe and stable. You owe her the right to live without drama even if that means a life without dad around (or very limited). Being 19 both have a lot of growing up to do and for mums, a baby is especially world changing. You need to be selfish for you and that baby, forget what is owed and what is "right" or "fair" - do what is best for you and baby.

@Lizadork he given excellent advice @usernameerror101 I would listen to them.

Has given*

If you breastfeed then it would be best for visits to happen at your house. If you bottle feed perhaps he could take for a short time to a coffee shop or a walk in the park. Encourage their bond but keep your baby close. My ex was always taking my son away from to play power games and I struggle with PND as a result to this day. I haven’t bonded in the way I did with my daughter and it’s heartbreaking. Enjoy your baby.

@Lizadork
I think sometimes I am definitely too fair, but baby comes first and her needs are the most important, so yes, visits will happen at my house so I she can be close to me, and if he doesn't like that or wants to dispute that, I guess we'll have to go to get something 'set up' legally, but that will be down to him to sort that out, I'd rather not go through the stress of court. I hope it won't get to that, it depends how difficult he wants to be. But there's no reason why we can't come to an agreement when she's born and be mature about it. Fingers crossed he will be ok with coming down to see her as the door is always open, and he can be involved as much as he is willing to be, but it needs to be on my terms as baby is not an object and needs consistency and the best thing for her is to be in 1 place (house) and not be travelling backwards and forwards.
I guess I'll just wait and see what happens, it's just another thing to stress me out if you get what I mean, I know I can't change anything or predict the future but I'm just even more anxious now.

He doesn't have rights.

You child will have rights - to have their best interests put first.

I'm struggling to see how a mentally ill teenager who threatens suicide, punches walls, has dissociative episodes and is likely to refuse to visit a child would be ever seen as something a child would benefit from having in their life.

Don't add him to the birth certificate, don't agree to handing the baby over. He has no right to take the baby.

To be honest, I'd seriously consider blocking him and his parents from now on. They're not adding anything to your life or that of the baby when born.

Once they're blocked, you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy without worrying about what probably bullshit story is going to be messaged next. After all, if he's that anxious, he's hardly likely to be coming down to ask why, never mind to form an relationship with your child, is he?

I would suggest walking away if you can but at the very least, don't put in effort to maintaining the father/child relationship (such as if he doesnt visit/text/call then don't chase it up). Don't initiate is what i am getting at, don't push their relationship. A good parent doesnt need to be reminded to make an effort. I likely wouldnt even tell when you had given birth and i would go super private/selective on all social media platforms. I would not share any details of child online because that can all be passed on and serve as a reminder for him to bug you. Unfriend/block/have a seperate phone etc. I would advise family/friends not to post online either about you or baby.

You don't have to set up anything legally unless he pursues that with court, most dads don't but even if it got to that point - you would have to do mediation first. If open to contact with baby then do so on your terms and do not remind him (texts, photos, details etc). Such as don't tell him how baby is unless he specifically asks, and again be wary .... treat every communication as if it could be read aloud in court (good way of reminding ourselves to behave when dealing with idiots).

@Lizadork
If he did take me to court (for example if he wanted to have her at his house when she was born, obviously I wouldn't agree to that so he might pursue things) how long is that process? And would I be required to do what he wants me to do whilst all that was going on?
He has asked how my last scan went (though he never asks), do I reply to this or just ignore every message until she is born? Because she isn't born yet, I don't 'have' to have contact, but don't want to seem like a bitch for not answering when he's asking about the baby (even though I think this is just so he can open up conversation again with me).
I'm just very confused right now and I hope what I said made sense

What also worries me is his mum has lots of dealings with court due to her ex, so she knows a lot about the system, which is really worrying me as I have no doubt that she would make him aware of everything he needed to do to get what he wanted.
I mean it's not like I'm going to say I don't want him in her life, I'm giving him the opportunity and allowing him to come and see her, I'm not completely cutting contact, I just don't want him to get in a hissy fit and demand that baby goes to his house.

I was also recently in hospital and a referral was made by a safeguarding midwife to social services (due to having a discussion, there is no danger to baby from me), and in her referral she has written a lot of things about him (in a negative way) which lists what he has done in the past and how controlling and emotionally abuse I've is, and lists her concerns, so I guess I have that as more 'evidence' as to why I don't want him to be alone with her. Baby doesn't have a social worker, it was just a referral (which I am pleased about as I don't want baby to have a social worker)

I've reported your post @yellowsunset You should also consider not being a complete twat.

Without a court order, you dont have to do anything he requests - he cannot force contact or make any demands of you. It works in your favour to be reasonable so with mental health issues and suicide threats then it is in your baby's best interest to keep wary/guarded/at distance. I would tell your midwives about dad's issues so it is noted somewhere if ever went to court. That you have concerns about baby's safety with dad being suicidal. That you have ended relationship and trying to keep distance but worried if he goes for contact. I would maybe take some advice, at a women's advice centre etc. Letting him see baby or take baby shows you trust him to a degree not to do harm.

@yellowsunset
Was going to put under 20, we're both 19 should have taken out the 'under'
And if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it, you sound incredibly naive and 'idiotic' when you don't know the full situation thank you very much

Just realised dad's behave is noted and there has been a social services referral - that is good. Just do not run back to ex because that is a sure fire way for SS to consider you unfit too, that you out a relationship before baby etc.

@Lizadork
Thank you for a listening ear, and your advice, was nice to just be able to talk to someone else and vent how I felt. And no, definitely not going back to him, too many red flags and so much has happened that is 'wrong' to me. Baby and me deserve better :)

His mum might know a lot about court but you have all these women on mumsnet to support and advise you.

Try not to worry so much. No court would demand that you hand over a breastfed newborn to an aggressive man, especially when a safeguarding midwife already raised concerns. Keep any evidence of him being aggressive or threatening as this may help you if it goes to court later on.

Give the baby your surname and definitely don't put him on the birth certificate.

Do you think he would even be interested in seeing your daughter or would he just use her as an excuse to get your attention? Hopefully he gets bored soon and leaves you both alone.

I haven't answered everything but i have read everything. I was in a similar postion years ago, the good thing about mumsnet is having access to mums who have been there and done that ... so you get the counsel of their experiences so you can make more informed choices. I am glad i could listen and offer something in return. It can feel so overwhelming when living it but it gets better, the difficult times never last forever despite feeling like they do. Your world is your daughter now and doing the best you can is enough x

I understand your worries regarding court op, but mn has a wealth of posters who know about, and can guide and support you through, the court system 👍

End it immediately. You'll feel a million times better instantly. If he won't come to you for the talk, phone him and tell him over the phone. Then the dress will slip away and you can focus on yours and the babies health which is much more important right now. Ignore his suicide rubbish.

@Lizadork @MarioPuzo
He's just put 'please don't ignore me, I want to know if she's alright'
I genuinely think that he is just pestering me to get a response and to keep conversation going. What do I do? I really don't want to enter into a conversation with him, do I just put 'she's ok' so then I haven't ignored him and it'll shut him up, or do I just leave it?

Yes, it sounds like he's tugging on your heart strings to get you to reply.

Maybe reply something like "She is fine. I will let you know if there are any issues." Or you can leave out the last sentence. And then ignore him.

I really hope he loses interest soon so you can get some peace.