to ask if dating a woman with kids is different to dating a man with kids?

[whateveryouneed]

I have a toddler. I'm a single parent and would like to start dating again.

I see lots of threads on here where women are advised to run like the wind when faced with the prospect of dating a man with children, especially if they are young.

I'm in my 20's and always find this disheartening (even though I don't disagree necessarily).

Do men feel the same? I mean, I'm worried that the chances of me meeting someone until my child is much older are slim. Do men really want to date women with toddlers?

Feeling rather lonely.

I definitely agree some men expect that new girlfriend = more parenting responsibilities than them for their own kids, because she has a vagina. Remember the OP here who was doing an hour long school run for her stepkids with a newborn?

@hammeringinmyhead yep l totally remember that thread. Her partner had done a great number of thinking it was her problem and her job

I don’t think whether you’re a man or a woman is relevant really; most people don’t want to date people with kids because of all the extra that comes with doing so.

@whateveryouneed
I think the main issues surrounding dating as a lone parent are to do with the being the resident parent. Many RPs have very little down time, often with no or limited nrp contact. That makes dating harder.

And let's be fair, if a young person, why would you add this complication if could date without such complications. Whereas perhaps when older this is more common place.

Whereas if a nrp, say only having eow contact, it makes dating a hell of a lot easier.

Do men feel the same? I mean, I'm worried that the chances of me meeting someone until my child is much older are slim. Do men really want to date women with toddlers?

Some do and some don't. Everyone is an individual.

I wouldn't exist if my dad hadn't.

I'm a single Mum after my XH walked out on me and our two kids for OW. I met a younger (and much better looking) man who doesn't have kids of his own.

I think the most challenging part of it is that my new partner has to see how much I struggle with my children, knowing that their Dad is not very far away and does very little in the way of help or support. He does take the children once a week but his fun Dad parenting means the transition before / after is really difficult for them.

Yes it is very very different! Here are a few differences....

• Dating a woman with kids just means a man slotting themselves in to an already well functioning family where the mum already does what she would have for her children done anyway.

Dating a woman with children holds different financial expectations than dating a man with children. The man will affect the mum’s benefit entitlement, so he has a responsibility to “make up” the child related benefits she has lost. Dating a man with children doesn’t come with that responsibility UNLESS he is the rp, which isn’t as common. So an nrp’s partner has zero financial responsibility for the children.

-Dating a man with children is more stressful because more than likely the parental and housewife stuff gets put on to the partner because the dad offloads these things on to his her.

-Also, dating a man with kids is more stressful because the mum/rp is generally more “in charge” of the children and thinks she can say whatever the fuck she wants to the dad’s household and have some sort of control. Whereas the man dating the mum just gets on with happy family life with no outside influences pulling them down or telling them what to do.

• The man dating a woman with kids is usually deemed marvellous for not very much. The woman dating a man is usually deemed horrible for not very much.

I wouldn't date someone with kids. I was a single parent when I met dp (DS biological father took nothing to do with him though. He's never met him or contributed towards him)

In my own experience yes! Ex dh & I parted amicably and both moved on reasonably quickly but obviously initially kept our new partners separate from our dc.
Well it was all very lovely for ex dh, he had the dc every other weekend and 1 night in the week so had masses of child free time to see his new girlfriend. I worked the night that dc were with their Dad and so had 1 weekend a fortnight to see my fortunately very patient now dh!
The ex soon naffed off to the other side of the country and spent the first few years of his new relationship swanning off on child free holidays and generally having a marvellous time.
I spent that time desperately trying to not lose our home, caring full time for two dc who weren't old enough to understand why their Dad had basically abandoned them and trying to work while dealing with life as a single parent. Needless to say the first 2 years of my new relationship weren't exactly carefree!!!
And no, we are no longer amicable! 10 years on I think he's a selfish dick!

I have loads of kids and never had a problem meeting reliable, kind men. Even good-looking ones. Confidence is the biggest factor and also making sure you make time for them, not just the kids. and also realising that you aren't just a mum, you are a woman. Good luck!

Imo I actually think men are expected to take on more when dating a woman with kids so I don’t agree that women take on more responsibility lots of men only see their kids every other weekend. My ex sees the kids every other Saturday for the day and that’s it. Any woman he dates would have little to no relationship with them whereas if I was to date a man he would be around my kids much more (I’m single anyway) but if I was to move in with a man for example he would have to play a much more active role than anyone my ex dates. Obviously if it’s 50/50 access that would be different but I don’t personally know anyone irl who has 50/50 access most dads I know see their kids every other weekend.

Personally I wouldn't have dated anyone without kids. My partner felt the same. If I were to become single now I wouldn't date anyone with kids. Different priorities apply during different life stages. You'll be fine.
As an aside my lovely dad met my mum when I was two and my brother 3. He didn't have children and it didn't put him off.

I think everyone will feel differently about this. If you wanted to find another single parent OP, then you might have a look at this dating website? Mumsnet have the link to it on their dating relationships page.
www.justsingleparents.com/

I wouldn't date a man with kids, purely because I had enough with my 3 kids and pain in the arse ex I just didn't need the added complications of a blended family. I met my now dh when my dc were 4, 8 and 12. He had no kids so no crazy ex interfering in our lives. The fact he was younger and child free didn't put him off. Don't feel disheartened op you will meet someone when the time is right .

When I was single and childfree, it was a dealbreaker. But it might be easier with men who already have kids. Just be wary, A LOT of men with kids will see a single mum as someone who can take over their parenting duties whilst they have custody time. You see that a lot on here, woman pairs up with man who has kids and winds up his replacement ex whilst he has to work or does hobby, or even ends up paying for his kids because he's skint, etc.

I don't know if it's different from just the dating aspect. But some abusive men deliberately target single women, so in terms of your and your child's safety, it could be different than vice versa.

It's easy to say I'd never get involved with someone with children. In reality if I was single and met a wonderful man I had a connection with I wouldn't kick him to the kerb because he had kids! It's actually really difficult to find someone who'd be a great long term partner. I think this applies to both sexes. I know plenty of men and women with children who've gone on to meet new partners so not everyone runs a mile!

@SallyWD

It's easy to say I'd never get involved with someone with children. In reality if I was single and met a wonderful man I had a connection with I wouldn't kick him to the kerb because he had kids! It's actually really difficult to find someone who'd be a great long term partner. I think this applies to both sexes. I know plenty of men and women with children who've gone on to meet new partners so not everyone runs a mile!

I would. Very easy. It was a dealbreaker for me. This person wouldn't have been a great long-term partner for me no matter what because I did not want to be a step parent at all. The connection would be over for me.

But it's not a dealbreaker for some so by all means don't despair.

Sadly it will be harder for you to meet someone. Especially someone decent. But that's true in dating for anyone really. It's just some people don't want to take on other people's children. You're young, so men your age will be even more unlikely to want a child as a responsibility right now.

As others say, it's the ex that's the issue with me, plus the fact I'm not sure I even want children of my own, let alone look after someone else's. If I knew the guy, had known him a long time, and knew the ex too and that she wasn't crazy or going to be difficult, I'd maybe consider it. But he would have to be worth it, and so would the children really. Why would I want to take on someone else's badly behaved children and try to clean up their failed parenting mess? No thanks.

There's a mix. A man or woman who thinks children automatically mean a relationship is a non starter, it might feel personal. But, honestly, if they're self excluding it's good because it wouldn't work out if they withheld that. There's a lot of people out there, so even if 80% won't date someone with kids that still leaves a lot of people who would. Don't think about it negatively. There are people who possess the necessary empathy openness and level of commitment, funnily enough the genuine ones then tend to be quite nice

However some men seem to see it as almost a positive: I’ve seen posts in here saying things like if he isn’t prepared to take on a child as well he isn’t worth it and so on.

But those posts are from women, aren't they?

I don’t know - I’m torn really. I have two young kids and I wouldn’t date a man with kids myself.

If you have kids yourself especially young kids then I think its hypocritical to then turn around and say you will not date a man with kids. My dd is 12 so I'd prefer to date a man with older kids like mine but if they were younger and he was a nice guy it wouldn't stop me.
The only thing that would is if he had kids with lots of different women or if he was a deadbeat dad that never saw his kids or pay maintenance.

As we age we are bound to have children and it is all in how accepting you are.
I do not mind a man with children, it's if he is over the past and well adjusted.
The anti ex and how it used to be in the good old days living in the past can be such a bore with single dads I have found while dating.
Best to date a few people and see how it goes

I think with one child and at your age you’ll be fine. I had dd1 at 23 and was a single parent at 24, and having her certainly didn’t put men off. It was a different story when I had two children and was single again in my early thirties, and I think that’s for two reasons. Firstly, I knew that was it for me and I didn’t want any more kids, which does limit your market a bit. And secondly my youngest child didn’t have a dad on the scene so I had virtually no time away from both of my children at the same time, which made dating very difficult. With one child and regular weekends off while she was with her dad it was a breeze! Dating has only really become easy for me again since my eldest (now 16) was old enough to babysit, so pretty recently!