to ask if dating a woman with kids is different to dating a man with kids?

[whateveryouneed]

I have a toddler. I'm a single parent and would like to start dating again.

I see lots of threads on here where women are advised to run like the wind when faced with the prospect of dating a man with children, especially if they are young.

I'm in my 20's and always find this disheartening (even though I don't disagree necessarily).

Do men feel the same? I mean, I'm worried that the chances of me meeting someone until my child is much older are slim. Do men really want to date women with toddlers?

Feeling rather lonely.

I wouldn't date a man/woman with young kids no. Just because it is messy and it has too many strings.

Buttttt. What if you find a single man with young kids as well? ☺️ Then you both understand each others situation and probably looking for the same thing too

As a rule I'd avoid someone with young kids. Maybe if I knew the person well already and we moved to a more romantic kind of relationship, but certainly not a relative stranger. It's just not worth the bother.

@Yeahnahmum which is fair enough. I worry as I'm a lone parent, ex not on the scene, I have no child free time (which actually, doesn't bother me in the slightest). I just worry I'm doomed to be single and may not meet anyone until my son is much older, may miss out on any opportunity to give him a sibling etc.

I may be catastrophising but it's a genuine concern which causes me great anxiety.

@contrmary not worth the bother

I do think it will be harder to meet someone than it would be pre-kids but certainly not impossible. Just some people don’t want to get with someone that has children.

As a pp suggested, a single dad would be a great start as he will understand your situation.

There are plenty of men that will be fine with dating someone with DC

I think it depends on how much free time you have. Obviously if you have no childcare to go on dates, it’s going to be an awful lot harder than if you have every Tuesday and weekends free.

I’ve had no issue getting dates with a toddler. It hasn’t seemed to put anyone I’ve been interested in off - all a bit younger than me and childless.

I also, hypocritically wouldn’t date someone with a child myself because I think juggling two family schedules is too tricky for my life right now.

@LimeHookSinker I potentially would date someone with children but can definitely see how two schedules would make things very complicated.

I wss a single mum....now engaged to a man with a child.
In my experience it does not put men off but it definately sorts out the men from the boys...which is a good thing!
Go for it, have fun and dont introduce the kids too soon. You are not damaged goods so don't settle for an arsehole out of ded speration.
You really cannot help who you fall in love with and yes...it may be easier dating someone without kids but so what?

Desperatio ..

As for schedules...meh.
Not a big issue unless you need to be joined at the hip 24/7.

I think having only one child, it will possibly be less hard for you than someone with several children. Do you have anyone who can babysit for you as I understand that logistically dating might be tricky without childfree weekends. I agree with PPs that meeting someone with their own kids might mean better mutual understanding, but then you would be stepping into the world of full on family blending which can be a minefield. How do you feel about the prospect of being a step parent yourself? Definitely worth thinking about that.

Ultimately I think that you have every chance of meeting someone. Being a mum isn’t something you should be in any way apologetic for-value yourself as highly as you should and the right person will be falling over themselves to be with you. If they’re not, they’re not the right person for you. Just don’t lower your standards - remember that anyone you meet will be coming into your child’s life and they deserve the best. They will be far better off in a single parent family than they would be with a sub-standard step dad.

I think men and women tend to approach this differently.

I wouldn’t have dated someone with kids. It just was not what I wanted.

However some men seem to see it as almost a positive: I’ve seen posts in here saying things like if he isn’t prepared to take on a child as well he isn’t worth it and so on.

Blending two families is awfully complex and IME rarely works well.

I'd say it's too different to compare. Usually mothers are primary caregivers and (rightly or wrongly) the ones left responsible for the children. Men are often part time or even out of the picture after a break up.

I had a child and was a single parent when I met my first husband. He had none of his own and we went on to have one together. It wasn't an issue for him that I had a child (and dad was still in picture) we had a nice blended family set up.

Fast forward to husband having an affair and leaving for OW.

I was single a long long time. Unexpectedly met a man and we fell in love. He had a child. I was unsure of dating a man with kids and my god I wished I'd listened to my gut. The child's mother has been absolutely horrific. The stress that woman has put on me is unreal and honestly as much as I love my DH, I wouldn't have put myself through it if I'd realised just how bad it would get. Mad requests like

Honestly I think it's the luck of draw. It probably won't make it easier but that doesn't mean it can't happen.

My friend met her second husband when her daughter was 18 months old. He'd not been married and had no kids. They've been happily together 20-odd years, have a child together and he raised her DD as his own and she sees him as her dad.

Incidentally her first husband had nothing to do with their daughter after he walked out for another woman.

I know other people who've gotten into new relationships despite having small children too. It can happen.

@puffinrocks makes a good point about exes. While obviously it’s not a good thing that your child’s father isn’t in the picture at all and I’m certainly not saying that, from the point of view of a new partner it might make things simpler. Most people would be very wary of getting involved in a situation where there were feuding exes or anything.

Sorry, my son posted too soon!

She wanted a full invite to our wedding. She wanted to choose her child's bridesmaids dress. She wanted to do her hair on the day. She wanted a full list of everyone in attendance and required my husband drive the child (200miles!) back to her house at 10pm on the wedding night (after her request to stay in the hotel with us was refused)

Fast forward to me giving birth to my son. I had a horrific EMCS. She (on a whim!) decided DH could see his daughter, but only if he left (unconscious) me and newborn son in hospital on the day I'd been cut open and then stayed overnight with her and their child!

I could honestly go on and on with examples of her ridiculous behaviour but the one time I asked for advice I was flamed... she couldn't possibly be like I've said as she had a child by him before me!

What I'm getting at is often as a mum, you hold the cards with regards to the child, access and care. Absolutely there are men that are useless fathers, but there are mums that use kids as weapons.

In the longest way possible I'm trying to say it's often easier to be the mum and date single men than date men that have (young) children.

Good luck!

Having dated as a single Mum with men who have kids and men who don't, my experience is its much easier and less complicated to date men without kids. If both of you have them its very tricky with schedules, keeping things fair, kids getting along etc...plus men with kids already are less likely to want to have more children if that's what you want.

I did find a lot of men don't want to date a single Mum for lots of reasons, but those who do will generally make a real effort. You do however get the odd one who thinks you can just ditch your children to go out etc and then acts surprised when you say you can't.

This is just my experience though.

[quote Rainycloudyday]@puffinrocks makes a good point about exes. While obviously it’s not a good thing that your child’s father isn’t in the picture at all and I’m certainly not saying that, from the point of view of a new partner it might make things simpler. Most people would be very wary of getting involved in a situation where there were feuding exes or anything.[/quote]
This was what I was going to say. If you are a woman and meet a man with children (and vice versa) the ex is often awkward, and you know they'll be in each others' lives forever via the kids. If there is no ex to complain I think it's easier from a dating perspective.

I met my partner when my children were 3 years and 11 months. He didnt have any children. We've been together nearly 3 years now.

My children's father was abusive and isnt allowed to contact me or the children which definetly made dating easier as there was no ex in the background making things difficult

Is your toddler due to start nursery soon? If so I'd ask your nursery if they know any babysitters. My babysitter is my childs nursery workers sister

I moved to a different area fleeing DV so didn't have any support or child free time until i spoke to nursery and they were really helpful

My ex left me when DS was 1 for another woman. I was on my own for a good year before I met DH at 23. We been together 10 years married for 6 and had another 2 dc. Don't get disheartened op. The right person will come along.

It is an issue of exes for me. My partner's ex has nearly been the end of us a million times and she will be in my life forever . My partner and I met under unusual circumstances but if I had been setting out to date I probably would have looked for a single dad, now I would say a man without kids would be far easier . It may depend on whether you want more children though, most childless men at my age either don't like them or want ones of their own, neither scenario is right for me!

Forgot to add my youngest was a small toddler when I met my partner and he has always loved being in his life, children won't put the right man off, don't worry. It definitely makes everything more of a juggle though!

I think the expectations are often different. So women are expected to do more for partners children. An acquaintance of mine is dating a man with 5 children from 3 different women. She has made clear she won’t be getting involved in feeding them, driving them around etc when they visit -they all live with their respective mothers. She has 3 children who are older than his but expects little care or effort from him for their care.

Personally l can’t seem to have children so would be unwilling to make the required lifestyle changes. I would do it for my own children but not for someone else’s. I would only date men with grown up children

Of course it’s different as men are normally the nrp whereas women are normally the rp. So it would be easier to date a man with kids than a woman with kids. I’m a single mum to 4 so of course that will put a lot of men off. I think as you only have one it won’t be as hard. But some people don’t want to date people that have kids and I can understand why.