To think Horrible people Have more friends

[GreatestShowUnicorn]

I’ve seen it time and time again but I’m working through some stuff just now about family and it’s really got me thinking. My sister who I am nc with has dozens of friends who she takes for granted, is generally horrible to, cancels one all the time, she’s always been a bit of a bully made my life hell growing up. We still have mutual friends so I hear that she’s never changed, still takes advantage of people And they take it. Meanwhile I’m a decent enough person (I think) kind to friends, help them out, make the effort, etc but my friends always seem to drift no matter how hard I try. Do people just like the bad guy or is it to do with status she is very posh, fancy job, big car, etc and I’m the opposite.

So your sample size for popular unpleasant people is one?

she hasn't got friends... she has parasites. people who feed off other peoples drama.

@Pollocking no I’ve seen it with other people too it’s just that that’s my most direct experience.

I mean when we went nc she told people they had to chose between me and her they all chose her and now only speak to me if I see them in passing.

Like attracts like.

I think some people surround themselves with others, but it doesn’t mean they are friends. I see groups where I know there’s loads of drama, and endless callings out, bitching, total disloyalty. It isn’t friendship, it’s just life content!

If you’d rather have a smaller number of low drama real friends that’s probably better for your mental health!

In my experience self absorbed, selfish, bitchy people do seem to have a lot of people fawning over them and clamouring to be their friend.

My DH has a "friend" that he keeps seeing simply because he finds their drama so entertaining. So it could be that.

This is my experience as well op. My sister is good judgmental bitchy slave off all her friends but has loads . She makes them wherever she goes, she's been abusive to me and now we are nc . I think it's because she has such a big personality but people seem drawn to her!

Is it possible it’s about the type of people you are trying to make friendships with? You wouldn’t want to be friends with people who are only attracted to other because of their status would you?!

It seems to be quite common to have groups of women (I say women because my experience is with mainly female friendship groups) who all act like friends on the surface but who all bitch and moan about each other. I noticed this with a particular group of mums who do the school run when my son started school. They all seemed like great friends, I’d see them talking and posting things to each other online. I’d started to feel sad that I didn’t manage to fit in with them, though that was mainly because I didn’t make the effort to socialise. Over time though I noticed snippets of bitchiness and horrible comments here and there about each other. Now I’m glad I’m not involved in it but have made some genuine and nice friendships with one or two of them.

Better to focus on 1 or 2 decent friends than a group of friends who aren’t actually good friends at all.

It’s bizarre that a group of people would respond to someone telling them they had to choose between two friends. If a friend tried to tell me who to talk to I’d would sack them off pretty quickly.

Slags** auto correct

@PumpkinP so glad it’s not just me

I suppose it depends how you define friends. Someone like that may have a lot of acquaintances or going out buddies, but not many people who would stick by them during the tough stuff.

@Sparklesocks that’s an interesting way of looking at it but it’s been over 10 years since they chose her and she still sees them all I just struggle to hold onto friends no matter how hard I try but people who give little seem to find it easy.

My sisters the same, she’s selfish and self centred yet people flock around her, at my last job there was a woman who was rude and sarcastic, made me feel very uncomfortable yet she was so popular! I don’t get it

@Mummiepig, surely it's not that difficult to understand that other people may like people you dislike?

Sounds like you're better off without the lot of them. It's quality of friends and family that count, not quantity. Spend your energies nurturing relationships with the people in your life who genuinely love you.

What makes people popular is fascinating to me. It's very apparent at the school gates...there's some really horrible people who others seem to adore. I once heard someone describe how people can be nice but not good deep down. And some people are good deep down but not necessarily nice. I can spot the nice on their surface but horrible deep down a mile off...they seem to be popular.

Your sister has acquaintances not friends

I thin the horribler you are, they better you get on in life. I've noticed really selfish, self centred people seem to thrive. Especially mums, the ones who put themselves first at every turn, they always seem to have kids who spend their lives trying to please them. Yet other mums who put their families first get walked on.

It's a strange one.

I was bullied at school and didn't have even one person I could call a friend. But I grew and changed and got through it and now I have several very dear friends who I love. But due to the bullying I now take everyone as I find them and don't go along with this "popular group" thing I will talk to everyone I meet. I've met some truly lovely people this way, I agree with PP that some people appear not so nice on the surface but are good inside and vice versa.

I am truly amazed by the power some people wield with their personality, it is a skill - they are like cult leaders sweeping people up. But they don't gain friends - they are just weaker people who want to be protected by the big popular person, they feel safe in their gang. Plus some people are lazy conversationalists and are happy for the people with big personalities to just take over and entertain them. They are not friends though.

More friends but less people that like them I think.

There's also an element of fear and contagion. So people might not necessarily genuinely like the popular person but because lots of other people do, they assume they should and there's a fear of not going along with the crowd. Most people are cowards.

It’s hard as these people especially my sister do seem to have hoards of people around them. I currently have one close friend who I saw socially regularly but I can see her drifting as she has a new partner.

My sister definitely has friends and not just acquaintances, acquaintances to me are people you have a quick chat with but don’t meet up with or have their number and they don’t come to your house. My sister has loads of friends that stay over her house go on holiday together etc, I do think the fear element could be the case as they all seem scared to disagree with her, none of them ever disagree with anything she says and my sister would frequently say that I was the only person who didn’t agree, because I told her what I really thought but even when she was clearly in the wrong her friends would always agree with her it’s like they are too afraid to tell her what they really think.

Basically she needs people more than you do. As you don't expect or demand much from your friends and you seem like a peaceful person you don't attract idiots who love drama and gossip and probably have a handful of good friends and a few nice acquaintances which is normal. She will have as many parasites as she needs to either fuel her ego and weirdness OR help her feel complete-some people just can't stand being alone or are particularly social and their will mostly be shallow and boring or full of drama.

My much younger sister has loads of friends and acquaintances and is always stressed out because there's always someone with drama or she can't make every party or get together and worries what people will think etc. It all sounds exhausting to me!

You say you have friends who 'drift away' though and that makes me wonder if you make enough effort? The friends I've drifted apart from tend to be the people I'm also ready to let go-perhaps circumstances have changed or lives are too different etc rather than friends I still want to hang out with!