To think Horrible people Have more friends

[GreatestShowUnicorn]

I’ve seen it time and time again but I’m working through some stuff just now about family and it’s really got me thinking. My sister who I am nc with has dozens of friends who she takes for granted, is generally horrible to, cancels one all the time, she’s always been a bit of a bully made my life hell growing up. We still have mutual friends so I hear that she’s never changed, still takes advantage of people And they take it. Meanwhile I’m a decent enough person (I think) kind to friends, help them out, make the effort, etc but my friends always seem to drift no matter how hard I try. Do people just like the bad guy or is it to do with status she is very posh, fancy job, big car, etc and I’m the opposite.

I’ve always thought that horrible, bitchy women and nasty, bastard men appear to have more friends because a) like attracts like and b) people are terrified of them and so flock to be on the right side of them.
Either way, they aren’t the type of friends I would want.

Yes to the sharing things on Facebook about mental health ( for example) then busy talking about others the minute they can!
Nobody is perfect of course, but the more they pretend to ' care' the more they really don't ( apart from themselves)

Shit attracts flies.

Stelmariah, 😀
Yep, that's a good one!

Stelmariah, 😀
Yep, that's a good one!

Yes, all popular people are horrible, and horrible people are popular.

Seriously, this is one of the most self-deluding threads I’ve seen on Mn for a while. Wouldn’t it be simpler to acknowledge that some people you personally find unpleasant are liked by lots of other people, because they are not you, and don’t share your low opinion of the person’s behaviour, or have different priorities in friends?

‘Horrible’ people having more friends than ‘nice’ ones isn’t some kind of blanket rule.

“In all honesty, people behave differently towards different people. Maybe your sister is nasty to you but a good or at least adequate friend to her friends. Maybe they choose lively company/an ability to have a good debate/being well-informed/a shared hobby/an ability to drink like a fish over someone who is willing to bail you out at 3 am and be a shoulder to cry on when you're dumped?“

I completely agree with this.

OP - and I say this as an introvert myself - the truth is that most people value charisma and fun over reliability and “niceness”. They aren’t “terrified” of the horrible person and/or looking for protection they simply don’t have a want or need for a person who can only offer kindness in their lives. They probably have families or partners they can look to for emotional support; they simply like your sister for her ability to give them a fun evening down the pub. That’s really all there is to it.

And yes, even assholes are generally capable of acting decently towards their friends most of the time.

Fun charisma and a passport to good times are valued by most over “nice and kind”. Ghost curry is spot on

CyberNan and indeMund have it spot on.
I use to quite chatty with a colleague, we didn’t socialise outside of work but we got on well & enjoyed working together, she seemed nice. About a year later a new woman starts, I’d heard things about her but didn’t really know her so I didn’t judge. 4, 5 years on, they’re like the wicked stepsisters, bitching about everyone behind their backs. The colleague I use to chat to barely acknowledges me now, she’s found her toxic pal, she obviously fits in better with her! I just think they must be quite sad or lead sad lives to be so vile about people. It’s crazy though when you hear them bitching about the other people at work, then their being nice as anything to their faces!

@indemMUND

Like attracts like.

God absolutely this.

You don’t want to be part of those circles

Slightly off topic, bit i do think being nice gets you nowhere sometimes.

I parked on a residential street today when i went to work.
On getting into my car, i smiled and said hello to the couple in the garden. The woman had a go at me for parking outside her house. I wasn’t blocking anyone in.

I think if i’d kept my head down, she would have said nowt.
Be nice and people think you’re weak.

(I’ll not change my parking habits mind)

I think that a lot of the time these large groups are incredibly bitchy and there is usually a ring leader that people don’t want to get on the wrong side of, sounds like it’s your sister. People then become dependent on this large group for their social lives so don’t want to do anything to p*ss off the ring leader and get themselves kicked out the group and lose most of their “friends”.

I’m yet to come across a large group of friends that don’t all btch about each other, and usually if you think your group of friends don’t, then it’s because they’re all btching about you. I’ve been part of various friendship groups over the course of my life and they’ve all been toxic, other people I know who are part of these types of groups are always b*tching about each other as well. I would rather had individual friends now, than be part of huge groups.

Mean people often go out of their way to appear nice and their superficial friends don’t really know their true personality. I’ve met some popular mean people and their friends probably don’t spend long enough time with them to really get to know them.

I have seen this dynamic in action, a very attractive queen bee, surrounded by people who don't seem to hold it against them that they are late, not even very kind, it's about charisma and fun and being part of that group. It's not for me and now how I make my friends, but it does happen. I really think some people are just grateful to be in the group and bestowed the attractive/fun person's attention, even if they are not 'nice'.

It’s definitely the coward thing, as other posters have mentioned. They might not like the bitchy person with the big personality, but they don’t want to be the person being bitched about, so they go along with it. It starts at school and, for some people, it never ends. Women I went to school with are like this, still live in the same area, still with the same dysfunctional friendships. It’s like their emotional growth stopped age 14.

I think some times if someone is a bitch, people try to befriend them so that they don't end up the victim of the bitchyness.

But, in my experience people with lots of friends are people that make the effort. They will constantly arrange things, invite people out, organise stuff. They will spend all their time socialising even at the detriment of their family. You find if you ask people to do stuff enough, evetually you'll have a big social circle and a jam packed schedule, you've just got to have the commitment and confidence to do it.

Maybe that's is why it tends to be more self centred people that can maintain social circles. Because most of us are busy looking after our families.

I think too that overall horrible or self centred people get treated far better than those that are considerate and decent. For example in shops at checkouts, people who are totally up themselves and offhand with cashiers get fawned over and the cashiers fall over themselves to be nice to them, whilst I'm always polite and friendly yet often get treated like shit in shops.

Quality vs Quantity. Which do you want, OP?

This is something I feel in a position to comment on. I was bullied by my sister quite badly as a child and a teenager. On one occasion she pinned me against the wall and started screaming in my face. Luckily, I'm stronger than her so I managed to get her off me.

To say the way she behaved towards me, messed me up is probably an understatement. I was terrified of her until I realized I could overpower her but it never helped my self esteem. However, this person who was a monster behind closed doors had loads of genuine friends who adored her and she still does, has done really well in her career and has the husband and 2 kids. She's a completely different person with them. People are attracted to her because she's confident, fun and can talk about things in an articulate way. She's also caring with her friends. Because of this, people are impressed and she likes people who find her impressive.

I know this is an extreme version of a point I'm trying to make but most people have more than one side.of their personality and behave differently with different people. I don't think it's as easy as saying people are just horrid.

@TheSandman right now I have neither so obviously I’d prefer quality but failing that I’ll take quality and a superficial social life.

@Lovingyou i totally get you my sister was vile never physically but made me feel worthless and awful my entire childhood. From the stories I hear and from the way she used to behave she’s not a good friend she is pretty awful to her friends too but is still close friends with people who she pretty much used to bully. Anyway I’m trying not to give her anymore power in my life!

I know a woman who is vile to everyone, even her husband and children. She has many people around her who she would class as friends. In reality, they are all frightened of her and haven't the courage to get on the wrong side of her for fear of becoming the next victim. She has no friends, but she doesn't know.

I watch, fascinated, from the sidelines.

I feel exactly the same way! I have hardly got any friends, probably 2 or 3 real friends who I can genuinely trust. All the others seem to ghost me and I'm always left wodnering what I did wrong. I personally believe I have a good sense of humour and make the effort by calling/texting going out with them etc but they always disappear on me. Do you find this too? My partner tells me that it's their issue not me and he doesn't understand why people do this. It's even got to the point that my sister doesn't speak to me anymore but she is quite loud and "popular" whilst im quite quiet/nice xx