To think Horrible people Have more friends

[GreatestShowUnicorn]

I’ve seen it time and time again but I’m working through some stuff just now about family and it’s really got me thinking. My sister who I am nc with has dozens of friends who she takes for granted, is generally horrible to, cancels one all the time, she’s always been a bit of a bully made my life hell growing up. We still have mutual friends so I hear that she’s never changed, still takes advantage of people And they take it. Meanwhile I’m a decent enough person (I think) kind to friends, help them out, make the effort, etc but my friends always seem to drift no matter how hard I try. Do people just like the bad guy or is it to do with status she is very posh, fancy job, big car, etc and I’m the opposite.

Here on Planet Bazooka, society is very different.

None of the people surrounded by longterm devoted friends are horrible bully bitches.

All the sweet generous saints also have lots of friends.

Those who can't make or keep friends are never in the SGS category.

There was a similar thread like this yesterday.

I think you’re confusing people who have big social networks with people who have loads of friends. Not the same thing.

If you’re a confident, blowhard type it’s fairly easy to have lots of “friends” in the sense of people to go out drinking with or school gate mates etc. But that’s just about making the most social noise,

It’s very different from having proper friends who know you deep down. Sounds like your sister is in the first category but you have no idea what people truly think about her..,

It's like the " popular" kids at school ...people are almost scared of them so fawn over them for fear of being slated/ rejected. Who wants to be in their gang though?
I'd rather have very few...maybe 1 or 2 good friends who i can trust rather than a load of sycophantic hangers on.

I feel exactly the same sometimes.

It's the fear that keeps them. They think if they are in her good books that will protect them. Weak people with low self-esteem sometimes like to hang with tough nasty bullies because they believe it makes them look tough, a bit like the men who walk around with fierce dogs. Nothing to envy there.

A sense of humour is very important in friendships too

Yeah, I wonder the same thing. I've met a fair few people in my life who have been unpleasant, unkind or simply very selfish/self-absorbed who seem to have loads of friends. I think they just subconsciously (or consciously) are very ok and clear about having people they're ok with being dicks to, but are nice as pie with those that are in their bubble so to speak.

It's so strange isn't it, I have worked with a few people like that. I think they enjoy feeding off each others dramas. My life is happily boring and I can't be bothered with that sort of thing!

I’ve seen this phenomenon too. Absolute witch of a woman, who people admit is a liar and cheater and yet they do fawn all over her because she is pretty and has a nice car and flat.

People are practically turning themselves inside out on this thread to justify why people they don't like have lots of friends while they feel that much more deserving ones (like themselves) don't.

In all honesty, people behave differently towards different people. Maybe your sister is nasty to you but a good or at least adequate friend to her friends. Maybe they choose lively company/an ability to have a good debate/being well-informed/a shared hobby/an ability to drink like a fish over someone who is willing to bail you out at 3 am and be a shoulder to cry on when you're dumped?

I mean, people have different criteria for friendship,

I don't think it's friendships, but vying for social status that you're observing.

Plenty of horrible people have pushed everyone that might have liked them away and live lonely miserable lives - you don't notice those though. Just like non-horrible people, some horrible people are more socially motivated and therefore more visible. A bit of meanness combined with confidence and social success seems to be associated with being powerful (maybe like the friendship equivalent of negging?!), and there will always be others looking to associate with such people in order to feel important and liked, and to enable themselves to climb the ranks socially. It's all a fragile veneer and nothing like genuine friendship though. I think insecurity (of the more narcissistic kind, rather than more humble/mousy low confidence type) is the crux of the issue and the people in these groups often don't actually like each other all that much.

I don't think it's that they have more friends, more like the amount isn't related to how mean or nice you are. It's related to how charismatic and outgoing you are.

Its a bit like when men complain "I'm nice but I'm single cause women only like bad boys/arseholes". The response is - it's more complicated than that. Women don't just "like arseholes" but being "nice" alone won't get you a partner. You also have to be interesting, and actually get out there and meet people. Also, if you have that attitude about people, you have to question how "nice" you really are. I think the same can be applied to OPs question.

I think you’re trying to impose some kind of rule or trend on something uncomfortable that is totally random.

Of course there will be some mean people with fancy big houses and status that seem to have a wide social circle. There will also be kind ppl like that, and lonely mean people

I agree OP. Probably because the horrible people are bolshy and loud and confident, and people like that.

Example:
My dad: a genuinely nice guy who reported a serious theft of several thousand pounds at work, and was subsequently excluded and called a grass, denied promotions etc.

Thief: loved by everyone, some people tried to cover up his theft to help him get away with it, others blamed my dad for reporting it because apparently a friend would have tipped off the thief that he was caught and quietly told him to stop stealing. Thief gets sacked and whinges about his life being ruined; apparently that’s my dad’s fault (even though the thief is the one who committed the crime!)

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Interesting thread. I do think there are some people who seem to attract others even if they don't seem very nice. People are drawn to confidence and sometimes flashy appearances in my experience.

Having been in many new group situations you see groups forming very quickly around these confident types then falling away over time as the drama unfolds.

I'm lucky I have lots of friends but I know I'm a slow burner in a group. I'm quiet whilst I'm sussing out the dynamics and I've been told in not easy to read. That definitely doesn't attract friends! I've found smiling lots and me making the first move to talk to people helps hugely as I seem to have a resting bitch face!

One thing that I've noticed does get you in the popular group is gossiping and buying into an us v them situation. I've been part of popular groups before but felt uncomfortable with bitching about perfectly nice people outside the group so exited those groups.

One thing I’ve noticed about the popular people is that everyone hates them and talks about them behind their back saying how mean they are. But then they’re invited to every party and night out, every wedding etc, everyone talks to them and sides with them. It’s massively puzzling.

@PumpkinP you’ve hit the nail on the head! Think I’ve been watching too much This Is Us I need to stop rehashing my childhood!!

@Elvesdontdomagic I think maybe I try too hard! I’ve alwAys been the one suggesting stuff but I never get the same in return.

Bollocks, I dont have the best self esteem and was cheering myself thinking how lucky I am to have such a great bunch of friends...I thought this meant I must be nice.

Interesting that you put it that way, OP, and it would neatly explain why my vile former neighbours had so many friends that the road was chock full of cars every time they held a barbecue.

It's a weird thing but mean horrible people generally have more friends and it's something I've noticed over the years.

Tend to be the sneakiest as well. Will write posts on social media "mental health matters" when they contribute to poor mental health and bully others.

I’m not sure about this. Lots of tears have large groups of friends but so do lots of pleasant people
I’m what I’d consider nice, I was never a massive ‘cool kid’ but I’ve always been fairly popular and have lots of friends and acquaintances. I am quite funny though I think, I make people laugh and am good fun to be around. I’m not nasty or spiteful and I certainly have zero good looks or material wealth to attract people 😂

I think the groups around nasty people are toxic and primitive. There may be a few nicer people there who are prone to getting hurt. I've seen plenty in my adult life and am aware of a group in my daughters age group (luckily she has nothing to do with them) who are always kicking people out. In fact it may be there is no one left in the group at all!

I also was hurt by a group like this myself, and as my DD1 was friendly with their kids I had to make an effort with them too. They seemed to enjoy being exclusive and eventually there were just two alpha women and the rest of them were shy and deferential. It is funny now but as a younger Mum it was painful.