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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with OH regard DD bedtime

58 replies

Condea76 · 08/07/2020 22:14

OH gets home from work at around 7.20pm and DD is nearly 8 months old and goes to bed at 8pm, so OH can see her.

This causes tension as I don't like him picking her up until he's had a shower.
Wanting to be be careful due to corona and as he still travels in to London for work.
OH gets annoyed as I tell him he has to try and keep her calm as she won't want to sleep.

I'm getting fed up of feeling like I'm a villain for getting DD to bed at 8pm, bearing in mind I'm still BF and getting up with her in the night.

Does anyone have any ideas that could help ease the tension?

OP posts:
Original poster
Condea76 · 08/07/2020 22:14

Any suggestions are welcome

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 08/07/2020 22:17

Make it half past?

GrumpyHoonMain · 08/07/2020 22:23

Are you planning to return to work? If not I would move her bedtime to 9. He could do the bathtime - story - sleep routine in its entirety then.

zaffa · 08/07/2020 22:26

I'm so impressed you have a proper bedtime! DD is seven months and just goes to bed when she's tired - I have an app that tells me when to put her to bed and it's pretty amazing as it works! But because she wakes up and naps at different times every day we never have a routine of napping or bedtime at x time.
Not helpful I know but well done for getting her into such a routine! I'd move bedtime btw - DH would be gutted if he only saw DD for 40 mins every day.

positivepixie · 08/07/2020 22:29

I think most people would understand both sides of this - him wanting to see her and you wanting to have her in bed before 8 to have some time to yourself, neither of you are unreasonable.

That said you need to agree a compromise before you become resentful, your ‘you’ time is really important especially as you can’t share the night feeds. Perhaps two nights, say Monday and Wednesday, you agree that you should put her down before 7? I assume Sat/Sun he spends lots of time with her to make up for it?

Moooms · 08/07/2020 22:32

Totally agree with the shower thing.
I would move bedtime too! You could do it gradually, and I'm sure she will tack on the time in the morning instead. That time must be very precious for your DH

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/07/2020 22:34

I get why your husband is sad but as the mother bf in the night I think what you want takes priority. If you are in a routine you are comfortable with, he will just have to make up time with your LO in the morning, weekend etc.

TeachAdopt · 08/07/2020 22:44

I assume you're at home with the baby all day and so this scheduling is entirely your choice but forgive me if this isn't correct.
If so, your husband gets zero choice in when he gets home and when he can see his daughter (because his work dictates his hours). You have complete control over whether she's allowed to stay up and see him or not. By shifting it later, he gets more time with her and you get more time to chill. Everyone wins.
Did you choose 8pm for a particular reason?

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/07/2020 22:54

So your OH gets home at 7:20 and then has to shower before he can see his child who must be in a bed at 8pm? And furthermore, if he and his child get a bit excited, you are on hand to criticise him for this?

Sorry but I think other than the shower requirement because of Covid that is terrible bad unreasonable. How is he supposed to develop a bond with his child in less than a 1/2hr a day? And isn’t it cruel to demand he be so boring (calm) that the child doesn’t feel excitement at seeing and interacting with daddy?

I’d personally move bedtime to 9pm. In addition, I’d ask him to explore things like a different work schedule or a local job instead of long commute to London so he is getting home earlier.

He can also help out with night feeds to get more bonding time and also give you a break as well. I did the feeding and my DH did the nappy changes and settling back to sleep for example. We both worked FT so it is possible to work FT and get up a few times in the night too.

Ineedcoffee2345 · 08/07/2020 22:54

Move bedtime to 8.30. Let DH put her to bed. He gets more time with her and you get a break. An extra half hour isnt going ro shift things massively

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/07/2020 22:56

Can't he jump in the shower (5mins) into his own pjs(2mins) then take dd for that final 30 mins up to her room, lamp on, stories and cuddles nd lullabies etc.

If she is still fed to sleep you can then go up at 8 to feed her and put her to sleep.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/07/2020 22:57

Also...what time does he leave the house in the morning? Can't he do more fun/playtime with her before he goes?

MsEllany · 08/07/2020 22:57

I don't think either of you are unreasonable, but I think it should be you that flexes her bedtime. At that age going to bed later is not going to hurt. All of mine were sleeping through at that age but from 9pm.

Ellisandra · 08/07/2020 23:00

Agree with 20:30 bedtime, and he puts her to bed.

Might you be interfering too much, over keeping her calm? Some babies definitely need a long wind down period - but mine switched quickly, once her bed cues (darkened nursery and bedtime book) were started.

RB68 · 08/07/2020 23:02

Babies don't care what time it is, at that age mine stuck to my routing pretty much going down to bed around 10 after a feed and change, and me around 11.30 having done a tidy round watched a bit of telly and generally just tiddled about. I would change her around 12 and then we went down for the night till around 7am. Expecting a baby to sleep through 8 til 7 or 8 I think is crazy as they get hungry need changing etc - I would rather have a longer solid sleep than be up every few hours. He clearly wants time with her - I just think you need to compromise. She won't be greatly effected by that half hr they are very adjustable at this age

mrwalkensir · 08/07/2020 23:10

if he's coming in tired and needing to wind down, rather than leap straight into a shower and quality time (and you have no set timescale as on maternity), I'd go with the flow. Enjoy time together on the sofa til 8/9/10 if necessary. She's only little. (OK, so shower straightaway). More bonding time for you all together, and the nights are so short now anyway. Yes to MsEllany (mine were nearer 10pm, but still waking every couple of hours as breast fed, so no gain or loss to me :) )

MintyMabel · 08/07/2020 23:12

I'm sure she will tack on the time in the morning instead.

Ten years on this is only just happening for us. Until lockdown, no matter when she went to bed, DD woke at the same time every day.

CostaCosta · 08/07/2020 23:14

I completely get how you're feeling. I too felt like this and kept telling myself to chill out and go with the flow but I found bf to be a russian roulette, i'd never know what type of night we'd have so I was so protective if sleep. No advice but I understand how you feel

Couchbettato · 08/07/2020 23:17

I breastfed and my kid just went to sleep when I did. If he fell to sleep before we got into the bedroom then he went in a bassinet in the living room. He had no bedtime, and had no time establishing bedtime later on when it did become important, but at that age it's not really that important. It's especially not more important than your husband getting some unrestricted time with his child.

Splattherat · 08/07/2020 23:25

Ineedcoffee2345

Move bedtime to 8.30. Let DH put her to bed. He gets more time with her and you get a break. An extra half hour isnt going ro shift things massively.

This and after his shower he takes over gives you a break and puts her to bed 8.30/8.45 latest.

tonercartridges · 08/07/2020 23:33

Obviously I'll be flamed for this - but I was always told 'never wake a sleeping baby' and I'm not sure I'd want to mess with an established routine. But more to the point - in a few years she will have a much more structured routine with a bedtime of around 7 I expect - so your DH will have to understand that he won't see her except at weekends (or maybe in the early mornings?)

Of course if you can easily defer bedtime by an hour or half an hour now, then do. But it's a sad fact of life that many working parents miss their children's bedtimes when they are young, and your DH may have to get used to that soon.

callmeadoctor · 08/07/2020 23:43

Blimey, thats interesting because I've always put baby to sleep at 7pm regardless of DH. Her needs are priority ( and mine for a break). He will have to wait till weekends surely!

SRS29 · 08/07/2020 23:51

@tonercartridges

Obviously I'll be flamed for this - but I was always told 'never wake a sleeping baby' and I'm not sure I'd want to mess with an established routine. But more to the point - in a few years she will have a much more structured routine with a bedtime of around 7 I expect - so your DH will have to understand that he won't see her except at weekends (or maybe in the early mornings?)

Of course if you can easily defer bedtime by an hour or half an hour now, then do. But it's a sad fact of life that many working parents miss their children's bedtimes when they are young, and your DH may have to get used to that soon.

Totally this....my husband worked away or was home late for the first 6 months of our DD1’s life (before I went back to work full time) and the routine was key and worked for the best for her and me...I also needed my evenings! Weekends were his, he liked the early mornings when he was sole charge. Weekends were more relaxed generally and he did more with her so worked out for the better rather than rushing home if/when he could ending up in grumpy baby, grumpy mum then ultimately grumpy dad every week night.
SRS29 · 08/07/2020 23:52

Meant to add we had the 7 to 7 routine settled early on.

Purpleartichoke · 09/07/2020 00:01

If at all possible, I would shift bedtime by an hour.

If you do an evening bath, switch it to a shower. He can start solo and once he is done You can hand him baby. It could be their thing.