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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with OH regard DD bedtime

58 replies

Condea76 · 08/07/2020 22:14

OH gets home from work at around 7.20pm and DD is nearly 8 months old and goes to bed at 8pm, so OH can see her.

This causes tension as I don't like him picking her up until he's had a shower.
Wanting to be be careful due to corona and as he still travels in to London for work.
OH gets annoyed as I tell him he has to try and keep her calm as she won't want to sleep.

I'm getting fed up of feeling like I'm a villain for getting DD to bed at 8pm, bearing in mind I'm still BF and getting up with her in the night.

Does anyone have any ideas that could help ease the tension?

OP posts:
TimeWastingButFun · 09/07/2020 00:06

I agree with the shower but could you move bedtime to 9 or so?

Original poster
Condea76 · 09/07/2020 01:08

Thanks for all the comments.

I'm planning on going back to work and this is why bedtime is 8pm. I know I'll miss out on stuff in the future too.

It's taken alot of hard work to get into a good routine, trust me it was hard in the beginning!!

OH makes up for it at the weekend and when he has days off in the week. I may look at moving bedtime by 30 mins.

OP posts:
Original poster
Condea76 · 09/07/2020 01:20

OH doesn't feel very confident putting DD to bed and doesn't do any nappy changes! Trying to change this though.So bf is all on me and can be hard as DD isnt sleeping through the night yet.

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 09/07/2020 01:39

Well he needs to get confident at putting her to bed and doing nappy changes then.

I would suggest a training scheme beginning tomorrow. He can do every nappy change he is home for and every bedtime until he has it down pat. Im sure when he is doing bedtime all himself, then 8pm will suddenly seem very reasonable . Then when he is fully trained you can take it in turns.

1forAll74 · 09/07/2020 02:01

When my two children were small,they had a regular routine for bed time, which was 7pm, If my husband was a bit late home, as was usual, he used to go and see the children,and if they were still awake,he would chat.or read to them.If they were asleep, so be it. But sticking to a bedtime routine is the best thing to do, as children get used to them.

ContadoraExplorer · 09/07/2020 04:35

I can absolutely see both sides but I wouldn't change the bedtime if it were me.

Our little one (11 months) goes down at 7, it has taken a lot of work to get there and I wouldn't want to change it now, moreso now that both of us are back at work and agree that couple of hours at night before we go to bed is necessary to reset for the next day.

Could he perhaps agree something with his work that he goes in early, or takes shorter lunches to allow him to leave earlier a couple of nights a week? That way he can get some quality time in the evening.

I also agree with a pp that he needs to do nappies/help with bedtime - in this day and age I think that dads should be sharing all of the parts of raising a child, not just the "fun" bits!

blackcat86 · 09/07/2020 05:27

8pm is quite late for a little one to go to bed so I certainly wouldnt be making it later. Could DH not flex his ours to try and get home early one night a week so he can do the bath/bed routine. I dont see why he's painting you as the bad guy here whilst making zero effort to change anything himself.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/07/2020 08:10

OH doesn't feel very confident putting DD to bed and doesn't do any nappy changes!

Hmm

Tell him when he starts to bear some of the brunt of actual parenting you will consider compromising.

It's not on to only do the fun stuff then tell the one doing the hard work to have a longer day So you can have more fun stuff.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/07/2020 08:34

Sorry but if he doesn’t practically help then he can’t dictate to make your evening harder.

skankingpiglet · 09/07/2020 09:04

I also think 8 is already very late and wouldn't be moving it later. My DCs are in the category of waking at the same time regardless of when they went to bed too. He needs to learn to do the bedtime routine (and nappy changes!) with you just popping up to do the feed then handing the baby back. I'm sure you weren't an expert or confident either when you first did it, but learnt with practice. He'll be the same. Once he's had his shower let him get on with it. He will soon learn why you don't hype them up at bedtime and realise the snuggles and stories is just as good quality time.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/07/2020 09:05

OP has he ever had the baby on his own? Or taken her out for a walk alone etc?

MsEllany · 09/07/2020 13:17

OP I take back my earlier comment. I agree 100% with @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz earlier comment:

Tell him when he starts to bear some of the brunt of actual parenting you will consider compromising.

It's not on to only do the fun stuff then tell the one doing the hard work to have a longer day So you can have more fun stuff

Oriflamme · 09/07/2020 13:36

Off topic but @zaffa what is the name of your app, please? My boy is 6.5 mths and has no nap routine so bedtimes can be a bit of a battle sometimes!

Sugarhouse · 09/07/2020 14:55

I can see both sides but my daughter is 9 months and has gone to bed at 7 for the last 3 months or so. She is breastfed and wakes me at least three times a night she will Also wake once or twice before iv gone to bed. She is exhausted at 7 even after two daytime naps and I’m desperate for an hour or two to myself. Maybe say you will change bedtime but only if he has her from when he gets home and he puts her to bed if that’s possible otherwise it should be your way.

Original poster
Condea76 · 09/07/2020 15:52

OH has only ever looked after DD for an hour or so. OH is trying to get more confident with her. Not currently possible for OH to change work hours.

OP posts:
Original poster
Condea76 · 09/07/2020 15:56

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions. I think I need to try and find a compromise that works for everyoneSmile

I think I'll keep her bedtime as is just to stick with the routine and try and get OH more involved with bed/bathtime routine.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 09/07/2020 15:59

OH has only ever looked after DD for an hour or so.

Surely he's able to look after he for good chunks of time at weekends? For that matter, why isn't he changing a single nappy at weekends? Easy thing to change...

Def make bed-time his job.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/07/2020 16:03

OP, at the weekend, the second dh mentions he needs to nip to the shop or put anywhere, prep dd immediately and pass her to him to take with him.

I forced am unsuspecting dh out the door with 3week old dc1 when he said he needed to nip to the nearest shopping centre. In the end, he had a great time!

Beebeet · 09/07/2020 16:03

I would not move it to be honest, it seems fairly late for an 8 month old anyway. If he doesn't actually parent other than want some control over when she goes to bed so he can have a cuddle before he has showered then no. Plenty of people unfortunately don't see their children much during the week because of work, if he was actually changing nappies etc then sure because that would show he had an actual interest. Let her sleep when she wants to.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/07/2020 16:05

OH is trying to get more confident with he

What is he doing to build his confidence?

VeniceQueen2004 · 09/07/2020 16:17

Yeah as long as he's not changing nappies or looking after her for any length of time he's not her parent, he's just some fun uncle. So he doesn't get to tell you how to manage her routine. The bloody nerve.

Tell him when he actually decides to parent his child he gets a say; until then his wishes are entirely irrelevant.

Christ. 8 months old and he's never changed a nappy. But he expects to come home and dandle his adoring little one on his knee? For some men it's like the 20th century just happened to other people.

Hercwasonaroll · 09/07/2020 16:31

She's 8 months old and he hasn't had her for more than an hour. That's appalling. You have a massive dh problem.

WombatStewForTea · 09/07/2020 17:00

@Oriflamme I think it's Huckleberry if it's the same one I've got. It's freakishly accurate.

My DD is only 5 months but DH hasn't had her for more than an hour because she's entirely bf and refuses a bottle so I tend not to be too far away incase she needs feeding. He changes his fair share of nappies though

Cheeseandwin5 · 09/07/2020 17:36

Sorry you sound totally unreasonable and I would assume wouldn't put up with seeing your DC for 30 mins per day, whilst being supervised, and that goes for all those agreeing with you.
I am not surprised he doesn't feel confident changing nappies etc if you are hanging over him, waiting to jump on him at the slightest noise.
I suggest once he is home and has his shower you had the baby over and go for a walk, leave them to it. Once he and the baby can relax without the thought of you jumping in to have a go.
Please don't use the excuse of it benefiting the baby as an excuse to exclude your DH, as having a strong bond with him will be much better for your DC and DH.

Beebeet · 09/07/2020 17:40

Yes always the womens fault isn't it @Cheeseandwin5.

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