People who've never had friends

[Somethingorotherorother]

NCed for this because i have a feeling i know people on here in real life...

Basically, a woman i know vaguely through work projects recently friended me on FB - her account was full of posts bemoaning the fact that she's never had friends, always gets excluded etc etc... i can well believe it, she's a shrill, irritating nightmare and i have literally only heard her talk about herself.

It's a weird trend I've seen a lot of online, here, on reddit, LOTS of places, and people always end up commiserating with the person complaining, saying that other people are just jealous, or they're "mean girls" or insecure etc etc... surely if you're continuously being dropped from friendship groups wherever you go, it's an issue with you, not with them?

How do these people not realise that? And why does the rest of the anonymous internet pander to them, when they're so willing to pile on everyone else!? AIBU to think it's a bizarre circlejerk of validation that is basically unique to this issue?

I know two people who are like this. It's definitely them...

@WombatStewForTea exactly! But i bet if they were to post online about how they have no friends, they'd be met with a chorus of people telling them that other people are just nasty jealous bitches.

That's exactly what happened when they post on Facebook. They know each other through a mutual hobby and comment the same on each other's posts. Funnily enough despite both being desperate for friends and having things in common they haven't thought about befriending each other. I suspect they both think the other is weird

Thats a very unkind attitude you have there.

Posting all over Facebook just makes me think she's pretty desperate. You've decided this woman is unlikeable and applied that to the fact that lots of people struggle with friendship groups?

Surely you can recognise that there are usually a variety of factors at play? What do you think happens, people have no friends, know that they have no social skills, immediately adapt and get all the friends? Relationships are harder for some people than others, it often isn't about personality proven by the fact that your charming self apparently manages to find people who like you regardless.

I've always had friends but I'm not so pig ignorant as to think this is because I'm never difficult or unlikeable. I've just been lucky enough to find my people but carry on sitting up in your ivory tower.

I’ve never had many friends but I’m not really into people. I have a handful of close friends.

I’m always surprised by people who I think are really weird or not very nice having loads of friends! I’ve never had a “squad” of girls to go out with and I’m always bemused by women going on a girls night out with a dozen friends. It’s not something I would personally enjoy.

I’m happy being somewhat of a loner.

I also think people who are quite or not full of personality can get left behind because they are not top of any ones agenda

I also think people who are quite or not full of personality can get left behind because they are not top of any ones agenda
I do not think that is all correct. I have several circles of friends, each with people that are loud, assertive, pure extroverts even. But in each of them we have quiet and more self-effacing people. We adore them as much as the in-your-face ones, because we see them, their values, their opinions, their hearts. You do not have to speak the loudest to be noticed and liked.

I know people who are not nice, yet seem to have lots of friends. I think a lot of women are drawn to these sort of people as they mistake their unpleasantness for confidence. I think the nicest people are the ones who are quieter, who listen to others and don’t judge as opposed to the ones who are loud and talking over others.

I don't think it's a one size fits all answer.

Yes, I think some people are naturally quite abrasive (even if they don't mean to be) and clash easily with others. They can be offputting, so potential friends aren't keen to forge a friendship with them. Unfortunately these people don't often have the self awareness to see how they're perceived and blame others.

Others struggle in social situations and don't have an innate understanding of the best way to chat to people they don't know, or find small talk hard. They aren't disliked, but perhaps don't quite bridge the gap between small talk with acquaintances and developing friendships.

And others are just quite happy with their own company or their partner, and don't have much interest in making friends.

Obviously people aren't black and white and there are a lot of grey areas between these types.

I know people who are not nice, yet seem to have lots of friends. I think a lot of women are drawn to these sort of people as they mistake their unpleasantness for confidence. I think the nicest people are the ones who are quieter, who listen to others and don’t judge as opposed to the ones who are loud and talking over others.

I agree with this. I once worked with a woman who as ‘friends’ with everyone. She was ridiculously loud, crude and would make a lot of noise about being certain people being ‘great fun’, ‘salt of the earth’ ‘hilarious’, all attributes she said about herself too.

I had the bad luck to work on the same team as her at one stage and she was a bully. She was ‘nice’ to some people and extremely unpleasant to those she thought were ‘boring’, ‘no fun’, ‘too serious’. She was very judgemental and an absolute horror to some people while declaring loudly ‘everyone’ was her ‘friend’. Sometimes she appears on my FB as a suggested friend as we know mutual people and when I click on her public profile, she is always out with gangs of people. I can’t understand why. If someone has dozens of friends , I take it with a very liberal pinch of salt.

Or you might have spent your childhood being horribly bullied in a very sly and sneaky way by those you considered friends. Resulting in you finding it very hard to trust people or let yourself get close to people again. It’s not as simple as you make out. I’d rather have no friends than a friend as nasty as you.

I struggled with friendships up until my mid twenties, it was definitely a me thing - my parents both had MH issues and extreme religious beliefs (but are nonetheless lovely!) they have never been able to model friendships or teach me friend etiquette. I still struggle with eye contact.

I’m not falling over friends now but I have a few amazing life-long friends and a circle of local people I can go to the pub with and even two families we occasionally spend time with at weekends (Id like to increase this) it’s been a conscious effort on my part - putting myself out there, chatting to people and being interested in their lives being involved in the community. A few times this hasn’t worked and invitations haven’t been appreciated or I’ve been too nervous to make them but I’m growing a thicker skin about these.

I'm always told how nice I am but never really had a huge amounts of friends.just like anithee PP said I'm not a huge people person, and I'm very introverted and struggle to keep conversation going with some people, in fear I'm being too nosey. I also have a terrible memory and worry ill forget details and repeat things. Maybe some find that difficult hence why I have very little friends. Be kinder and have a bit of empathy.

YABU. It might be them, but it often also isn't.

www.nature.com/articles/srep40700

I'm 38 and don't consider myself to have any friends now, not really. Came to the conclusion fairly recently that most of my major friendships had been very unhealthy. Basically I was a very shy child, being regularly physically abused by my stepdad whilst my mum told me it was my own fault. I became someone who was desperate for people/anyone to like me, I said yes to everyone and everything to keep them happy and most of these "friends" took full advantage of this. As I got older and found a few shreds of self respect and dignity I started to lose the "friends" who liked to be in charge and manipulate me to fulfill their own selfish needs. As far as I'm concerned friendship is highly overrated and I'm much better off without it.

But this is what i mean - everyone who has commented saying theyve never really had friends has identified a reason why, and it's a "them" reason. You get threads full of people telling OPs with no friends that it's not a them problem, that it's an issue with someone else. That's what i find bizarre.

Sorry to TAAT but there's another thread about not being part of a friendship group and for most of us with that "affliction" it's not as simple as that.

I am (I think) a kind, caring, funny person but only a handful of people who really know me see that. I suspect I have ASD (my teenage son was recently diagnosed and his assessor thought it was likely that I have it too, albeit masked) and my problem has always been that I seem to miss the mark socially. It's like I'm on a different wavelength, but only just. I then get anxious about getting it wrong and that doesn't help! People seem to think I'm weird, awkward, hard work or boring.

I also see some really nasty arrogant people who hold court with others flocking around in adulation and I'm astounded. Some people have a lot of charisma and people love to be around charisma. Me, not so much - one benefit of ASD is being logical and seeing through the crap.

I know one chap who is very witty but quite cutting/nasty but he gets away with it because people think he's hilarious and entertaining. Other people spout on about themselves all the time and people hang on their every word (while I'm quietly thinking "what a pompous arse").

I've also noticed that a lot of people who shun me in real life post all the memes in Fabebook about supporting those with autism/anxiety/be kind. So they're either two faced or appallingly lacking in self awareness.

So no I don't think everyone who has difficulty making friendships is horrible. Sometimes it's the other way around.

I have a friend (ex friend) in RL who is exactly like this. She has fallen out with virtually every single person she's ever been friends with. She has a new "group" and new BFF every couple of years before they too get fed up.
There is absolutely zero comprehension that the issue might be her. It's always the other person/groups fault. Doesn't help that her DH encourages her by stating that the other parties are jealous/bitchy/nasty etc. It'd be much kinder to her in the long run to point out that possibly she has some faults
I'm no longer friends with her and I don't miss her in the slightest, and never have.

Because it’s easier on here to do the fakey “it’s them,not you“ empty platitudes rather than try to understand and help them address the underlying character issues which lead to them having no friends.

What about other people though? I actually think I’m pretty damn nice and have always been dropped by every friend I’ve ever had an I genuinely have no idea why...

@Laaalaaaa

Or you might have spent your childhood being horribly bullied in a very sly and sneaky way by those you considered friends. Resulting in you finding it very hard to trust people or let yourself get close to people again. It’s not as simple as you make out. I’d rather have no friends than a friend as nasty as you.

This is me.

I’ve never had any real friends. I’m not a cow. I’ve just been hurt so much in the past.

I don't have any proper friends. I know people, no one seems to find me obnoxious, I get on fine at work and with my customers. When I was at uni I had a few good friends. But its probably over 15 years since someone invited me out for even a coffee as a 1:1 thing, and no one phoned/texted when my parents both died this year.

So thanks for pointing it out that I must be irritating. That just made me feel that bit worse

Yes, thank you for pointing out that it is me that is at fault. I had no friends at primary school, no friends at secondary school, no friends as an adult and only ever had abusive relationships and was born to one parent who wished they had aborted me and another parent who frequently told me I was a failure and would live with other failures. I was educated by teachers who decided I was lazy and didn't try hard and wasn't worth them wasting their time on me. I failed all my exams at school, failed my exams at college and later I tried to qualify for a job I really wanted but failed the university course for it because I wasn't good enough at it. I'm obviously a really horrible person who has been at fault since the day I was born.

I don’t think this is always true. My sister is truly vile but has loads of friends. She makes friends wherever so goes but she isn’t a nice person at all. I have no friends as I was bullied at school so left early. I’m painfully shy and haven’t been able to make any others.