People who've never had friends

[Somethingorotherorother]

NCed for this because i have a feeling i know people on here in real life...

Basically, a woman i know vaguely through work projects recently friended me on FB - her account was full of posts bemoaning the fact that she's never had friends, always gets excluded etc etc... i can well believe it, she's a shrill, irritating nightmare and i have literally only heard her talk about herself.

It's a weird trend I've seen a lot of online, here, on reddit, LOTS of places, and people always end up commiserating with the person complaining, saying that other people are just jealous, or they're "mean girls" or insecure etc etc... surely if you're continuously being dropped from friendship groups wherever you go, it's an issue with you, not with them?

How do these people not realise that? And why does the rest of the anonymous internet pander to them, when they're so willing to pile on everyone else!? AIBU to think it's a bizarre circlejerk of validation that is basically unique to this issue?

There seems to be an implication in your post that because it’s down to the person not having friends, that means they have negative personality traits that alienate people. That’s definitely not the case. My Wife struggles with friendships due to anxiety and fear, but she’s a wonderful wonderful person. She just doesn’t have many friends which she finds hard, but she finds managing friendships even harder due to her anxiety.

I understand what you're getting at OP. I have never had friends. It's not because any one is jealous of me or any other empty platitudes so I do think it's silly when I see people post them here. It is a me problem and I think for the vast majority of people it is also a them problem.

It's just that it's not always because they are nasty/shrill etc. (though it probably is for the person you know). There are plenty of other reasons for people not having friends.

I've managed to maintain a very happy marriage for 12 years but friendships are something that I struggle with. My quietness comes off as being standoffish, my sense of humour is very dry, I have never been capable of small talk, I'm really anxious that I'll do or say something stupid or awkward and a myriad of other reasons. At work my customer and colleague feedback is always really positive. People will smile and say hello or wave when they recognise me on the school run or walking the dog. But I've never managed to actually progress to friendship. So definitely a me problem! But not neccessarily because I'm a horrible person.

I know of two people who are the problem when it comes to not having friend. Both would love friends but their personalities put people right off. Both are extremely self-centred, can't deal with focus not on themselves, and can get quite nasty when they don't get their own way. Both would not be open to any feedback about their issues whatsoever. Which is a shame because they would both like friends.

CMOTDibbler I’m so sorry

@CMOTdibbler I have met you in RL (I think, at Donnington?) and you are the least irritating person ever. You present as extremely level headed and capable, and someone who is grat to have around. But I probably wouldn't suggest going for a coffee because I'd presume you would be too busy doing important things -I've never actually asked anyone to go for a coffee-, but I certainly wouldn't turn you down!) I'm sorry to hear about your parents.

It's not like those who do have friends are always wonderful people. I know plenty of people who I would consider toxic/horrid that have large friendship groups.

I think it's just about finding people you click with and that's not always easy.

If you put two people who struggle with friendships together then nothing is going to happen which just exacerbates their problem!

as someone who was very badly bullied as a child and young teenager, i’ve gone the opposite way and am now absurdly sociable i say this not to boast but to give people hope that it is possible to develop the skills to make and keep friends and to enjoy socialising. I had to learn how to make small talk, trust people but also maintain discernment and healthy boundaries, and how to progress acquaintances to friendships. The key to the last one is to ASK people for coffee/drinks/to take the kids to the park together. most people will be delighted to be liked (and it they aren’t, fuck em, you don’t want to be friends with them anyway)

i think you sound pretty horrible OP. whilst i agree with some of what you have said, not everyone who is lonely fits into this group you describe. you sound like the type of female i avoid tbh

Also - if multiple groups of people reject you, it’s worth considering if it’s something you’re doing (not necessarily that you’re a bad person or mean, just that you might be unconsciously doing something that puts people off). I knew a woman at university who was perfectly pleasant but was the most negative person i’ve ever met. being around her was really draining and exhausting, and any extended interaction with her left me feeling like an unpaid therapist. it’s one thing to share problems with others, but no one wants a whinger as a friend! people want to have friends who are fun and uplifting as well as serious/good in a crisis. i’ve also known people who are excessively overbearing or brisk without realising. (Unfortunately shyness can also come across standoffishness; the easiest way to counter this is to smile and seem engaged even if you’re struggling for things to say.)

I am very socially awkward and often swing wildly from being withdrawn and nervous, seemingly disinterested and stand offish to being a bit babbly and over sharing. I cannot ever seem to figure out where someone's comfort zone is. I always mess up. So yes, you are blaming me. It makes me sad. Admittedly I don't post about it online. I do work on this a lot but co.ing at it with a slight speech impediment being fully and having autism I am also confident it's because people prefer to socialise with other people to me.

*being unattractive

@cmotdibbler I've exchanged messages with you on many different threads over the years and you honestly sound lovely, I'd happily meet you for a coffee if I wasn't so introverted myself.

I suppose it’s the kind thing to do. Most people don’t like to kick someone who is already down. If the person has no idea why they can’t make friends, it seems mean to say, well it must be you, rather than attempting to be a friend.

Some of the most unpleasant people I've ever met (catty, loud, judgy or two-faced) have lots of friends. So do some of the nicest (kind, thoughtful).

Luckily we aren't all looking for the same thing in a friendship, and there's no 'correct' personality for making friends. I am a natural introvert, shy and quiet. Sometimes I've made really good friends, other times I have struggled to make any lasting friendships. But I have learned that there's no point trying to be someone you're not.

I think it’s not as simple as “always them - common denominator” or “always others being mean”.

Also the people who are a nightmare may need counselling as no one is born like that.

I’ve been abused from the day I was born, I now struggle socially and mentally, and am quite often ignored by others because of it. But thanks for making me feel like I’m just an all round shit person.

I get it Purple

I’m quite a quiet person happy on my own. Whenever I try to be friendly and more outgoing people just like at me like I’m strange. My current team at work is a reserved bunch. When I tried to make small talk it was never reciprocated so I just gave up.

Yet some people think I’m too shy. When I was in a house-share many years ago when I worked for an airline, I remember overhearing an ex house mate who was staying over ask if I was “still weird.” I don’t think I was particularly strange!

I tried to make friends with one of DH’s wife friends. She made it clear she didn’t like me. Another time I was a bridesmaid with another girl. We got on really well at the hen party and wedding, she added me on Facebook. Then deleted me after the wedding. I was good friends with colleagues at an old job. They threw me a leaving party and I got really lovely presents. When I went back to work there a couple of years later, they completely ignored me. As in blanked me when I said hello.

Can’t win, oh well!

I get it Purple

Not sure why it bothers you?

A fair proportion will have undiagnosed autism or aspergers some will have had poor socialisation or parents who did not value friendships etc or some may have had bad experiences and been put off. or just never clicked with a friendship group. or they may have been bullied at school.

Maybe I am being harsh or blinkered but I genuinely don’t understand why, if you had no friends, you would post on FB about having no friends?

Just at the level of self preservation and putting your best foot forward - and regardless of underlying reasons - that’s just daft.

It’s like going on a date and telling the date you are lonely and desperate. Why would you do that?

It's not simple. Some people have loads of friends but are unpleasant. Some lovely people don't have many friends. I know what you mean - I know people who complain about others and don't seem to realise that the problem may be them. However, I also know people who are just lovely and seem to get forgotten because they're quiet. One of my closest friends seems to attract a lot of dislike - I saw it in action when we worked together - but I cannot figure out why at all.

One of the most popular people I know is really not a nice person. Well she is but it very much depends on who you are and what you have to offer. I'm actually quite impressed at how well she manipulates people and she tends to go for others that can help her out in some way. I have enough friends, a handful is all I need, but I'm a bit envious how she manages to zone in on the people she decides to recruit and does it every time.

Others struggle in social situations and don't have an innate understanding of the best way to chat to people they don't know, or find small talk hard. They aren't disliked, but perhaps don't quite bridge the gap between small talk with acquaintances and developing friendships.

This. People quite happy to chat and smile and say hello...agree it would be good to get together for a coffee.. must swap numbers.. but somehow it never actually happens.

Also bullied, also worried about what people think of me, also don't want to be too pushy. Can't work out how to take things to next level.