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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to suggest an open marriage..

63 replies

Lastresort75 · 07/07/2020 19:27

We have been together over 9 years and have 2 young children (3 & 6). We got married less than a year ago and it was the worst decision of my life. He has hurt me a lot over the years and I’ve always forgiven him and now I’m well and truly stuck.

I’ve just found out he has been messaging an ex.

I physically don’t think I could go through a complete separation. We got together when I was 18 and he was 29. I would struggle massively on my own money-wise as I only work part time and money isn’t great, however he has a lot of money from his job.

My thinking is that if I suggest to him to have an open marriage, then he can do whatever he likes and I won’t have to worry about the constant feeling of being cheated on, him speaking to other women... because I’m allowing it. Is this weird? I feel like this is the only way I can continue being with him. By allowing him to do it, I won’t feel as though I’m actually being cheated on.. as fucked up as that sounds.

I’ve read this back.. and I know it sounds odd. I’d be interested in hearing if anyone else has done similar?

OP posts:

CaptainCabinets · 07/07/2020 19:28

And what do you get out of it?

Foxinsocks1 · 07/07/2020 19:30

Other than financial stability what do you get out of it?

Sertchgi123 · 07/07/2020 19:31

Don't stay with him just for the money FFS, you're worth more than that. There are benefits you can claim to help out and as your children get older you can get more hours at work. The children's father will also be required to pay to support them.

Casmama · 07/07/2020 19:36

Can you imagine how that will sound to him. I'm now so down trodden that I have neither the wherewithal nor the money to leave you so I will let you cheat on me instead.

I think open relationships would only work where both people love and trust each other and both want sex out with the relationship or because one person is lowering their expectations of the other. This will destroy your self esteem

Casmama · 07/07/2020 19:37

That should have been NOT because one person is lowering their standards

Vodkacranberryplease · 07/07/2020 19:38

Why don't you just talk to a solicitor instead and find out what you are entitled to?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/07/2020 19:40

I left my ex when I had no job at all so I don't buy all this "I wouldn't cope financially." If you work part time as a single parent you will get Universal Credit top ups, and you will get child maintenance from him.

You're choosing the coward's way out.

Hanrora06 · 07/07/2020 19:46

It seems that you are considering having basically a 'marriage of convenience' for want of a better phrase. You want his financial security and the comfortable home, and he wants to sleep with/flirt with other women. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that- many couples can and do come to an arrangement and say look, we co-parent well together, we're a strong team, we get on together, let's take the best of that and work around the rest.

HOWEVER that doesn't sound like what you're saying- it sounds like he's pushed your self esteem down so far you're willing just to take his bullshit, and make it an 'open relationship' to save your feelings (which it wouldn't do if that's your reasoning- it would just hurt more and more). An open relationship should go both ways- would you do the same, find a companion or sex partner or boyfriend to make you feel loved and respected? Would he tolerate that?

It hurts you the way he treats you already, why do you think he would treat you any better in an open relationship than in a 'closed' one? Open relationships work only when there's full trust and understanding and communication, and it benefits both partners equally, not because you're so tired of his lies you can't fight them anymore.What if he starts sleeping around and brings back an STD? What if his dramas start to seep into your homelife? Will you be open with friends and family? If not, what if they see him with another woman? Will you let him take your kids to meet these women?

Don't do it. Leave him. You'll get child support, benefits, family support, you'll build your confidence back up- show your children a strong, independent woman who can take care of herself, not one who is broken by some shitty relationship that makes her unhappy, in a marriage that is 'the worst decision' of her life :(

rosiejaune · 07/07/2020 19:55

Polyamory should be for people who both want it and decide on it in advance, not a response to someone cheating. You can cheat even in an open relationship (there would be some rules still presumably?). So doing that won't change who he is.

ShebaShimmyShake · 07/07/2020 19:55

It surely has to be worth talking to a solicitor to see how much you would get in the event of a divorce, because it sounds as though money is the only barrier.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/07/2020 19:59

You would cope. People cope with relationship breakdowns every day. It would be better than staying in this farce which has already mostly ruined your self esteem. If he left you you’d have to manage so take the bull by the horns and get out first.

Your children know you’re unhappy. They always do. They deserve a happy mum not a downtrodden one.

theprincessmittens · 07/07/2020 20:01

My father was a habitual cheater from when I was about 4.

My mother stayed for the home and the money.

My father left her for another woman eventually anyway.

I have zero respect for either of them.

Auridon4life · 07/07/2020 20:04

If it worked loads of people would be doing it!

Original poster

Lastresort75 · 07/07/2020 20:23

Thanks for the replies.

Definitely sounds like a bad idea.

My self esteem as at an all time low, and it doesn’t help that these new messages I have found, the woman is beautiful and looks nothing like me.

I’m not good at confrontation, which is another reason why I’m suggesting the open marriage. Instead of coming at him, telling him I want to leave him, I’m still strangely trying to keep him happy by suggesting this open marriage. I feel as though I need his permission for a lot of things, and I’ve only come to this realisation the past couple of months.

OP posts:

ShebaShimmyShake · 07/07/2020 20:24

@Lastresort75

Thanks for the replies.

Definitely sounds like a bad idea.

My self esteem as at an all time low, and it doesn’t help that these new messages I have found, the woman is beautiful and looks nothing like me.

You will never, ever, ever be happy like this, even if you live in a palace.

BarbedBloom · 07/07/2020 20:28

I was you, except without the children. My husband kept cheating on me so I suggested an open marriage so I could resign myself to it. I ended up meeting a lot of people myself who were interested, which boosted my self esteem enough to finally leave him. He is now married to the final woman he cheated on me with.

Honestly, I would look into what help is avaliable for you and also put his information into CMS to see how much he will need to pay. You are worth more than this.

MorganKitten · 07/07/2020 20:35

An open or poly relationship is about trust, this isn’t what you need, you need to separate and find the real you and someone who will love and commit to you.

flirtygirl · 07/07/2020 21:04

If he owned the property then getting married was probably a good thing, otherwise you would be left with nothing if and when he walks way.

If not then nevermind but still look into getting divorced.

See how much money you are entitled to from cms and any benefits. Look into how much the house costs (rent or mortgage) and if you would want to stay or if you would rather move away then look into that cost.

Get all the paperwork to do with the children, housing, pensions, his work, bank accounts and marriage.
Give them to someone you trust.

If any accounts have money in them or are joint saving then take your share. I say your share, as if children are with you then the share is more than 50% and you may never see another penny. Cms is very crap.

Decide to walk away and have a plan in place for moving out if needed. You can download the divorce papers online and fill them in. It not a hard thing to do. Photocopy them.

Then and only then, talk to him. Talk about his cheating. He will almost definitely lie to you but thats fine. He may never admit the truth. Give him the photocopy if divorce papers, so he knows you are serious. Say you will give him time to think but that he needs to find somewhere to live (or that you are moving out, etc)

Do not suggest an open marriage, you are very young, get rid of this man now and your future will be so much brighter.

I clung to a man who treated me awfully. I'm now older and wish I had left the first time I had planned to 9 years ago now, I could have had so many more options then. I do regret that.

Don't let your fears and self esteem imprison you.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/07/2020 21:32

It’s a twisted logic but I get it

However you would be better of planning for yourself to be Independant of him

And I can see this idea is a step to getting yourself ‘less married’

But it could backfire

Anordinarymum · 07/07/2020 21:33

Lastresort75 prepare for a rant, kindly meant.

You married this guy and invested yourself in him. You have children with him. Any money coming in to your household is shared money, not his and yours. I bet all of your money is spent on the family right?

He has broken his promises and let you down, let your children down, let HIS famil down.

Ask yourself if you could see yourself with him after your children have grown up - this excuse of a man who gets into other women's pants.
Disgusting.
I can say all this because I am not emotionally involved. I was in your shoes once and I ended it. I was like you with part time work and three children, and do you know what? We managed and were better for it.
Look at this long term - not as it is now.
Escape !

YoBeaches · 07/07/2020 21:46

if you met when you were 18, and have been together 9 years, then you are only 27, right?

You have SO much life ahead of you. Get out of this tragedy. You don't need to confront him, just make a plan to leave and follow it through.

Do you have relatives that will help medium term, whilst you get yourself on your feet? Somewhere you could stay whilst you sort out housing?

Can you contact a solicitor to get some initial advice on your situation? especially financially, given he supports the family he would need to continue providing some amount after you seperate.

You will find that its not as daunting as you think once you understand more about what life could be like away from him. You might even feel excited about what the future could hold.

TheNanny23 · 07/07/2020 21:50

So you’re 28 or younger? Jesus Christ just leave him, you can carve out a new life even if it is a struggle for a few years. Afterwards you’ll have the rest of your life to think of yourself and your children and not his selfish desires.

longwayoff · 07/07/2020 22:14

Op, I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. You shouldn't feel this is your sole option, I suggest he has eroded your self esteem an unconscionable extent and that is why you are considering it. He has no respect for you, such an arrangement will simply make you feel worse, especially when the day comes when he wants to move the latest woman into the house you share. Why not when you've agreed to so much already? I've seen this happen, it's not pretty. You're still so young. Take the advice given here and free yourself. In 6 months time you won't believe it took you so long to do it. In 5 years you'll barely recall what he looks like. Good luck.

ShakeaHettyFeather · 07/07/2020 23:24

Open marriages can work - mine's been good for 25 years - but living with someone who doesn't respect you is not where you want to start one from.

Consider divorce, at least as a long term goal, but the only merit of opening your marriage might be you meet someone who helps boost your self-esteem - though I should warn you that way too many men looking for a married woman to shag are not the kind who lead to improved self-esteem.

Waveysnail · 07/07/2020 23:31

You are worth so much more. Start planning your exit.

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