to suggest an open marriage..

[Lastresort75]

We have been together over 9 years and have 2 young children (3 & 6). We got married less than a year ago and it was the worst decision of my life. He has hurt me a lot over the years and I’ve always forgiven him and now I’m well and truly stuck.

I’ve just found out he has been messaging an ex.

I physically don’t think I could go through a complete separation. We got together when I was 18 and he was 29. I would struggle massively on my own money-wise as I only work part time and money isn’t great, however he has a lot of money from his job.

My thinking is that if I suggest to him to have an open marriage, then he can do whatever he likes and I won’t have to worry about the constant feeling of being cheated on, him speaking to other women... because I’m allowing it. Is this weird? I feel like this is the only way I can continue being with him. By allowing him to do it, I won’t feel as though I’m actually being cheated on.. as fucked up as that sounds.

I’ve read this back.. and I know it sounds odd. I’d be interested in hearing if anyone else has done similar?

Do you mean he denied the messages to and from is Ex?

Whet did you actually say to him?

"who would want me with 2 kids"
Divorcees with children meet nice men for relationships all the time. Also, being single is better than being with a bastard.

Yeah he said he’s never used a secret conversation on Facebook before, he never even knew what it was.. and when his ex messaged him saying she had a secret conversation thing pop up she had no idea where it came from either.

Told him I seen the messages on the iPad between him and her and he was confused and said he hadn’t spoken to her since 2017 which was a message she sent him.

Maybe it’s the self esteem again but I think to myself, who would want me with 2 kids?

Do you think this about other women with two kids who are single? Of course not because it would be horrible and ridiculous.

You are not even 30 years old, you have been given a golden opportunity to get out now rather than finding out about this another 25 years down the line.

Because this doesn't sound like a healthy or equal relationship, as proven by him lying to your face and swearing on the kids lives (they all do that by the way) despite you physically seeing messages. Am I getting that right?

You've read exchanges, told him you have and he's literally denying they exist?!

OP I am angry on your behalf.

Trust your instincts. He is treating you like an idiot.

But you read messages between them from recently? If you read them, they happened.

This new message from the ex asking about the secret convo screams 'setup' to me.

Leave him. Sell the house. Take your share. Thats plenty to set up a new life for yourself. You will meet someone who deserves you. This man doesn't.

He's gaslighting you.

You honestly need to get away from this man, for you and your kids. Please seek some proper advice and put a plan in place. You deserve so much better.

He's totally lying to you. You've seen it with your own eyes. Trust yourself. Your instinct is right.

You're not happy with this man OP, this is just one more thing that has happened over the years.

You are young, with 2 great kids, you will get back in your feet without him. As previous poster said it's s good thing you married him, you own half of everything. You have the means to a new life without him.

How old are your dc?

My kids are 3 & 6

Previously when I have found things out he has got really defensive or just apologises but last night he got angry that I was accusing him of something he said he hasn’t done

I’ve not seen any actual conversation between them, all I’ve seen is the screenshots I’ve put up which shows devices being added and removed in the “secret” conversation.

I do feel like the message she sent him last night was a set up. After I brought it up he disappeared upstairs for 15-20 mins and when I eventually went up he said, oh look this is weird look what’s just been sent to me. She said she has it aswell.

God. Definite set up OP.

Do you feel that you want to leave? Surely you don't want to carry on like this?

💐

Previously when I have found things out he has got really defensive or just apologises but last night he got angry that I was accusing him of something he said he hasn’t done

So he's got form for this sort of thing?

The message he got from her after your chat is so obviously set up it's more insulting than him going behind your back originally to be honest.

He either thinks he can do what he wants and you'll never leave, or he thinks you're stupid. Or both.

You are so young, do not waste your life with someone who makes you unhappy! Think about what kind of example you'll be setting your kids too - you'll be modelling relationship behaviour to them that will mean they think unhappy relationships are normal and acceptable.

Well he's a cheater isn't he? But you forgave him so he's confused because as far as he's concerned you're not happy about his cheating but you're prepared to tolerate it. Your actions have told him that. Which exact bit of cheating he did shouldn't matter you're either
a) staying and putting up with it while complaining therefore ok with it or
b) leaving therefore not ok with it.

You're getting into the sematics of something that happened long ago. He cheated. You let him. Game over as far as he's concerned.

I think you should only do this if you would be willing to sleep with other people too. Otherwise it's not really an open marriage, is it?