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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to suggest an open marriage..

63 replies

Lastresort75 · 07/07/2020 19:27

We have been together over 9 years and have 2 young children (3 & 6). We got married less than a year ago and it was the worst decision of my life. He has hurt me a lot over the years and I’ve always forgiven him and now I’m well and truly stuck.

I’ve just found out he has been messaging an ex.

I physically don’t think I could go through a complete separation. We got together when I was 18 and he was 29. I would struggle massively on my own money-wise as I only work part time and money isn’t great, however he has a lot of money from his job.

My thinking is that if I suggest to him to have an open marriage, then he can do whatever he likes and I won’t have to worry about the constant feeling of being cheated on, him speaking to other women... because I’m allowing it. Is this weird? I feel like this is the only way I can continue being with him. By allowing him to do it, I won’t feel as though I’m actually being cheated on.. as fucked up as that sounds.

I’ve read this back.. and I know it sounds odd. I’d be interested in hearing if anyone else has done similar?

OP posts:

ViciousJackdaw · 07/07/2020 23:32

Staying with someone who has no respect for you for the money is only a step up the ladder from prostitution.

Divorce the fucker. Take him to the cleaners.

essexmum777 · 07/07/2020 23:33

be brave enough to build your own future OP

FortniteBoysMum · 08/07/2020 00:11

What happens when he decides to leave you for the other woman who showed more self respect? You may as well of left and saved yourself the heartache. Do remember he has to support you and the children if you were to seperate.

ToBBQorNotToBBQ · 08/07/2020 01:29

Think higher of yourself OP. Your children will watch you for guidence. You are worthy of more.

Dullardmullard · 08/07/2020 01:39

You do know he will say no

Can’t have the wife fucking someone else that’s only for men in his eyes I’ll bet

Leave is what I’d do even if your skint, just leave

AMostExcellentStick · 08/07/2020 04:23

I'm so sorry, and I understand that you feel like an open marriage would be a way for you to regain some control, but I think the truth is that you would be handing control entirely to him. Trust is central to an open marriage. I think even if you had allowed it, you'd have the same feelings of self-esteem, worries over whether he would leave, etc.

If you're at this point, you really need to think about leaving. No need to rush it if you can't handle that. Look in to what you'd be entitled to, speak to a solicitor, get advice on here, tell a trusted friend or family member. I highly recommend you tell someone in real life - telling the first person will be the hardest, so get it out of the way. Then, when you've got things lined up, walk away (or throw him out). Build a new life you can be proud of for you and your children.

NewNameNewShoes · 08/07/2020 04:43

It sounds to me like a way of justifying his unacceptable behaviour. A rose by any other name and all that. Worst case scenario he may become worse when he thinks you've 'given him the green light'. Best case scenario he continues as he is (which you're not happy with) and you just call it something else - i.e. it's no longer 'infidelity' because you've changed the terms of your marriage, which he wasn't abiding by anyway.

Original poster

Lastresort75 · 08/07/2020 07:35

Yes I’m 27, and he is 38.

We built our house which was a self build mortgage which is a lot more tricky and my name was never put on the house. He went for a meeting with the mortgage advisor one day and told me it was going to be a lot of work adding me to it (I don’t have bad credit or anything) so not sure why, so I was never added. So I guess that’s one good thing about getting married. The house has around £160,000 equity on it which is also great.

My head is just abit of a mess. I know I need to confront him about the messages but I feel I need to wait when he’s having a drink, and he’s a lot more open then and he drinks around twice a week.

Maybe it’s the self esteem again but I think to myself, who would want me with 2 kids?

He has just asked me if I want to go away and have a nice day out with the kids, it’s not going to be easy

OP posts:

Raver84 · 08/07/2020 07:49

I really don't think you should go for the open marriage idea it is putting aside your feelings so he can do as he wants that's not marriage, that's him living how he wants without considering you.
I know it's hard my husband are separated but for now living together until our hosue can be sold. it's awful and I hate every moment of it but one day I will be truly free of him. We are selling a massive hosue, I will be skint and will have a small home with 4 kids with me but at least it will be mine and I will be free.

Hanrora06 · 08/07/2020 08:55

@Lastresort75 this makes me so sad :( please believe there are other decent, kind, loving, generous and trustworthy people out there who would 'want you' when you are ready- the ones that don't want you are doing you a favour and saving you time, you would be better with nobody (even though that might sound scary, it's less scary than being with a liar who hurts you).

It won't matter if you're not on the mortgage, you're married with children and he cheated on you. You will be entitled to what you should be entitled to. Speak with a solicitor now, before you speak to him, to get all the information in advance and make sure he can't lie or scare you and tell you lies about how fucked you'd be alone.

I'm not sure about the drink thing, he might be more open but also he might just be more emboldened to lie. There's nothing much he can say either. He'll just try and twist it. I would confront from a position of strength when you already have your exit plan in place.

JRUIN · 08/07/2020 09:45

Why on earth did you marry this man when he's been mistreating you for years? And why do you want to make the pigs life even easier by giving him consent to sleep around? I feel so sad at this, especially as you were only (I suspect a very young) 18yr old when you got together. The way he treats you is awful OP and you deserve so much better. Don't stay with him for money, that's akin to prostituting yourself and will do nothing to help with your low self esteem. Kick the bastard out and learn to stand on your own two feet and, more importantly' love yourself again.

user1493413286 · 08/07/2020 09:50

I don’t think those are the right reasons for an open marriage; it will make you feel worse even if it offers some temporary relief but I’m not even convinced of that. If focus on your own self esteem and gaining your own independence to feel able to leave him if that’s what you want.

Original poster

Lastresort75 · 08/07/2020 16:25

Thanks everyone.

I’m going to talk to him tonight. I can’t keep it in any longer. I’ve really struggled today and I can’t remember the last time I felt so nervous. If we didn’t have the kids I would bring it up just now but because I want there to be no distractions I have to do it tonight.

He’s been really off today so it’s not going to be taken well.

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 08/07/2020 16:34

Do you walk on egg shells all the time? It sounds awful.

Imagine leaving him and not having to. You dont need his permission.

Hanrora06 · 08/07/2020 17:15

Good luck @Lastresort75, let us know how it goes x

YoBeaches · 08/07/2020 18:07

Good luck. Don't allow him to brush your feelings away. His behaviour isn't acceptable and you both have to make some decisions.

chanj · 08/07/2020 18:15

Me and oh have had an open relationship for more than a decade but I couldn't imagine entering into one on such bleak terms as this

Original poster

Lastresort75 · 08/07/2020 20:43

Confronted him tonight and he said he has absolutely no idea where it’s came from and he swore on everyone’s life he has absolutely no idea..

Strangely the ex messaged him tonight with a screenshot of the secret messenger asking if he has one too? He said yes, he has no idea where it’s came from and she has wrote “either do I” with laughing faces.

Hmm all very weird. Head still fucked

OP posts:

Vodkacranberryplease · 08/07/2020 22:05

Sorry but what a FUCKING arsehole. Condescending prick. Laughing at you with his bitch ex and suggesting a day out with the kids (where he gets time to do what he wants and you get more childcare) will sort it out.

I would just bin him for this alone. Who the fuck does he think he is? Smug tosser. He thinks he's so clever doesn't he?

Vodkacranberryplease · 08/07/2020 22:10

And yes he's cheating. And he thinks it's funny. You are seen as the silly young wife that will put up with anything. Whose self esteem is so low they will take whatever crumbs are left on the table and swallow whatever utterly stupid excuse she's given.

And you know what? Right now you are. Get some self respect, Tell her bf snd divorce him. Then watch them laugh.

GilbertMarkham · 08/07/2020 23:54

Not trying to sound judgemental (to you) but I find that age gap at those age, when you got into a relationship, creepy and inappropriate.

So many men who get together with very young women when they're nearly ten years older are exploitative/abusive and he seems to fit the bill. He thinks he has you well under his thumb doesn't he?

Half or more of that equity is yours, half his pension, other assets perhaps. You'll get universal credit unless you're earning too much (which sounds unlikely) and remember if you get uc, you get 85% of your childcare paid.

You'll also get child maintenance, see the website for calculator, starts at about 12% of his gross salary and goes down from that depending on how many overnights a week/year he has kids.

If under 14k salary you'll also get free s book meals,uniform allowance and transport help.

Here there's rate rebate for people in UC too; maybe council tax rebate where you are.

Go to citizens advice if you're a but overwhelmed by working it out, they'll go through it for you

She me solicitors also do first half hour free to work out likely asset division/financial settlement.

GilbertMarkham · 08/07/2020 23:56

*Some solicitors

GilbertMarkham · 09/07/2020 00:00

We got married less than a year ago and it was the worst decision of my life.

It really wasn't.
You'd have been entitled to child maintenance if you hadn't been married but probably not any of his assets. He's fucked himself by getting married, which is fantastic.

(And people find all.sorts of ways of wriggling out of child maintenance, but he wont be able to wrifgke out of giving you part of his assets the divorce settlement. Unless you suspect he's hiding money/assets, in which case your solicitor/you need to get a forensic accountant onto it).

GilbertMarkham · 09/07/2020 00:03

*just to be clear, I meant if your salary is under 14k you'd get school meals, uniform allowance, school transport

Also worth pointing out is to the very best of my knowledge child maintenance is not considered when being assessed for universal credit. So you could get a lot and it wouldnt affect your UC and childcare subsidy.

Original poster

Lastresort75 · 09/07/2020 06:54

Thanks everyone

Not feeling any better this morning and he’s still saying he has no idea where it’s came from, he seems genuinely baffled so I’ve no idea what to believe

OP posts:

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