AIBU not to want to give teachers gifts?

[Wilkiemini]

My daughter has just come home from school they had a quick hour long catch up this morning on the school fields for each class to say goodbye to their current teacher.

I asked her if she wanted to get a gift and she said no, the teacher wasn’t particularly good and she didn’t get on with him and obviously she hasn’t actually spent much time with him with the whole COVID thing closing the school mid March.

I agreed with her wishes and we did not get a gift. Obviously she wished him well etc. However the rest of the class turned up with huge ridiculous gifts their parents had purchased for the teacher like champagne and days out, vouchers etc and just a handful of kids were sent home first (my daughter included) so he could keep the others behind for and extra game to say thank you for the gifts..._AIBU In thinking this was petty? My daughter wasn’t bothered but I don’t think he should have singled out gnoses who didn’t give gifts like it’s a bad thing!

I’m not really into rewarding teachers at the end of term anyway, I just think it’s a ridiculous waste of money I’m a single parent and money is tight, we live in a wealthy area so usually I’m put under enormous pressure from other parents to put a large sum of money into a collection to buy John Lewis vouchers etc etc I always say no we will do our own more personal gift and then get cold shouldered for it :(

I’ve decided I’m no longer going to purchase gifts of any kind for teachers unless we come across somebody who really has deserved a special thank
you...it really shouldn’t be expected it should be earned? Or am I BU?

YABU to make a big deal out of it.
Most schools have requested NO GIFT to keep with current guidelines anyway.

I much prefer class donation, removes all the competitive nonsense, teachers get vouchers that can be used privately or for the class (think Amazon..) and everybody is happy. Give, don't give, and no waste.

The teacher just took time to say thank you, love that there's still someone who need to complain about that

No presents for teachers when my sons, now in their 40s, were at school. When each left their primary school, I gave books to the school library.

Its never been compulsory. The teacher won't notice and certainly wouldn't use it against you and your child.

Oh and gift and card giving has happened for years - I remember gifts being taken in when I was at school and I am now in my 40s. I also know older teachers who received gifts years ago too. Maybe it seemed to be on a lesser scale due to the lack of social media posts.

If people do want to give a gift then they are fine to do so.
If people don't want to give a gift they they are fine not to.

I missed the extra game for those who did buy - I have never known that to happen, ever. And yes, that is unreasonable and ought not to have happened.

Like a lot of us in lockdown I have lost all sense of what month it is never mind what date, I now know seeing this thread which appears multiple times every year that it must be approaching mid July

Buy a gift or don't, entirely up to you, no need to make it any more complicated than that.

Kind of torn on this one. If your daughter and others were dismissed at the correct time and in a friendly and kind manner then I don’t think it’s completely unreasonable to have an extra game to say thank you to the kids who bought a present. I don’t know. I see what you mean, it’s a bit iffy but the gifts were kind, especially given the current circumstances, so a little 5 minute thank you/game is nice from the teacher.

This is odd. You absolutely do not have to buy a teacher a gift. Most of them don’t expect it tbh. My children aren’t allowed to take anything into school at all so I assume gifts will be frowned upon this year! (I understand what your daughters school did was outside so different).

Keeping the children who bought a gift behind to thank them is odd imo. That is completely wrong imo. Never experienced anything like this.

If families aren’t well off I am certain they’d rather you spend the money on your children particularly as more people are struggling more than ever due to covid.

Do not feel guilty! I have bought gifts in the past but it became too expensive. Each class one teacher (obviously) but one year DS has two on teachers who worked different days. Also at least two ta’s in each class. I couldn’t buy a teacher something without the Ta’s. Teaching assistants are fab! With two children in school that’s at least 6 gifts.

My two will be taking cards in this year if they allowed. Definitely no gifts!

You can do what you want.

Gift or don’t gift.

That fact that he held others back (In an unspiteful way, to say thank you is good manners.

You certainly don’t need to ever give teachers presents, they genuinely don’t expect them. However, just remember that the average teacher does MUCH MUCH more than their contracted hours. Also, schools are well known for being underfunded and most teachers end up buying resources out of their own money and not claiming back.
You don’t need to give presents, but please be aware of how much the teachers do.

What's the point of posting on here if you're not willing to take it up with the teacher/school ?

And your child relayed exactly what the teacher said or is it based on speculation?

At my children's school a parent tried to ban gift giving by parents ... that did not go down well . It's an individual choice of the parent. If you choose not to give then you need to instil in your child that others will choose to give and the receiver will want to thank the giver ... possibly without an audience .

I'm a teacher.. I feel terrible when children give me gifts.. I rather they don't. Hand made cards and a note are the best.

This makes feel uneasy. I think it's fine to get a gift if you want to (but particularly if the child wants to) and it's fine not to buy a gift if you don't want to. But making it a public parade of who did and didn't is a bit icky.

There are some right smarmers at my youngest's school who are always toadying up to the headteacher with cakes and gifts (regularly not just at the end of term). Then head teacher parades the gifts on the school Facebook page naming the pupil and awarding them house points. Oh yuck. Absolutely she should thank the pupil/parent (in person) but the parading smacks of "And teacher's pet this week is ...."

I think it's lovely that your daughter didn't go with the crowd and had her reasons for not buying a gift. I think what the teacher did is really off.

I'm a teacher and have received many gifts over the years. I have always said thank you to the child or written a thank you note, bit I would never reward the present givers with an extra game. That is really out of line in my opinion.

Your daughter chose not to give a gift but for those who wanted to give a gift (because of this ridiculous expectation that has arisen) but couldn't, I'd really feel for them being left out.

I must say I'm one of the ones who loves a nice card. If I ever feel a bit sad about my job I go and reread them. One parent wrote a lovely letter to the principal about me and I think that was so nice.

My DD and 5 friends are making a video for their teachers this year, which I'm pretty sure they'll appreciate more than a lot of gifts they get.

I've gone in before for the 'everyone give a tenner so the teachers get nicer presents/vouchers' - my DD's message didn't get stuck in the card, so she didn't get a thank you and it looked like I hadn't contributed. I'd only do that again with a smaller group.

Our school have put a message in the most recent newsletter to say that this year particularly, they really do not expect presents (they actually said we feel very grateful to have our jobs so the implication was that gifts would make them feel uncomfortable) and to perhaps think about donating to charity if parents would like to say thank you in some way.

I'm a teacher. I love getting cards or notes from the kids and keep them. I appreciate gifts of course, but the cards are what I love. I also would never expect anything from any of them. I think it's more of a thing in primary, though. It's only GCSE classes really in Secondary, and I also give them little good luck cards with personal messages in when they finish. So at least you know you don't need to feel any guilt when your kids get to Secondary, OP.

I do think that teacher was rather thoughtless, though. Perhaps the reason your daughter didn't like him that much?

Teacher here
I would never expect a gift and some of those gifts are ridiculous
I worked in quite a deprived area and still have cards from about 20 years ago

YABU

Why would the teach thank all children for the gifts only some gave?

By all means don't get a gift, but don't then get annoyed your child wasn't thanked for a non existent gift.

YANBU

It’s entirely your choice to give a gift or not.

It’s really unfair of the teacher to single out the children who didn’t give a gift. Children don’t have control over whether their parents buy teacher gifts. Their parents may forget, be too busy to buy something, not able to afford a gift, object to the whole idea, etc. It’s unfair to treat the children differently for something largely out of their control. Or even if it was the child’s choice, the teacher is an adult in a position of responsibility, they shouldn’t be acting like a spoilt child.

I always find these threads a bit mean spirited. I was a skint single mum ( still skint) and i managed a bottle of prosecco at the end of the year. Of course you don't have to in the same way that you are not obliged to buy anyone a gift but calling it a waste of money is a bit mean. Lets just abandon gift giving all together shall we?

I’m a teacher. I hate it when the parents buy me gifts. Not because I’m ungrateful, I’d just rather they bought their own child a book. That would be more of a gift to me! I like verbal or written thanks of course! The extra game for gift givers is utterly bizarre and I feel there may have been a misunderstanding here.

I do think over fusdy gifts ate silly and noone should feel bad for not gift giving...dosn't make it a bad thing.
Dad worked at a private school and once got Harrods hamper for a Christmas gift! That was extreme but much apprechiated!!

Typos!

I find it particularly grabby at the moment as so many of us are hard up

In what way are teachers 'grabby' when they have never asked for gifts? Should we return them? Not accept them? Donate them to the school so they can be sold for funds? You can imagine the threads on the ungrateful, yet grabby, teachers then, can't you?

How is it singling out?! The children who brought no gifts finished the end of the session at the normal time and the kids who bought gifts were told to hold back for an extra 5 mins longer so the teacher could thank them and most likely open their gifts in front of them. It sounds the teacher was being sensitive and not making things awkward for the children who brought no gifts whether that be because they didn’t want to or their parents couldn’t afford it. It sounds like the absolute opposite of cruel behaviour. It sounds kind and sensitive.

If the teacher had opened the gifts and thanked the children who bought them in front of all the other children at the same time, we’d have another parent come on here on AIBU complaining how cruel it was for the teacher to do this in front of their child who maybe couldn’t afford a gift they wanted to give.

And you said the children were all playing the game in question in the session and that the children who stayed an extra 5 mins to see the teacher open their gift got to spend 5 mins more on the game they were all already playing due to the waiting around time. That’s such a big leap from “extra treat” or “massive reward”.

No you are not being unreasonable not buying a gift. Nobody has to buy a gift for any one they don’t want to. Teachers aren’t grabby as they are not asking for gifts. The teacher can’t win here. If he thanked the children who brought gifts in front of everyone, people would complain he was embarrassing and upsetting the children who bought no gifts. If he wants to speak to some children privately then of course he needs them to wait around for a few more minutes.