AIBU not to want to give teachers gifts?

[Wilkiemini]

My daughter has just come home from school they had a quick hour long catch up this morning on the school fields for each class to say goodbye to their current teacher.

I asked her if she wanted to get a gift and she said no, the teacher wasn’t particularly good and she didn’t get on with him and obviously she hasn’t actually spent much time with him with the whole COVID thing closing the school mid March.

I agreed with her wishes and we did not get a gift. Obviously she wished him well etc. However the rest of the class turned up with huge ridiculous gifts their parents had purchased for the teacher like champagne and days out, vouchers etc and just a handful of kids were sent home first (my daughter included) so he could keep the others behind for and extra game to say thank you for the gifts..._AIBU In thinking this was petty? My daughter wasn’t bothered but I don’t think he should have singled out gnoses who didn’t give gifts like it’s a bad thing!

I’m not really into rewarding teachers at the end of term anyway, I just think it’s a ridiculous waste of money I’m a single parent and money is tight, we live in a wealthy area so usually I’m put under enormous pressure from other parents to put a large sum of money into a collection to buy John Lewis vouchers etc etc I always say no we will do our own more personal gift and then get cold shouldered for it :(

I’ve decided I’m no longer going to purchase gifts of any kind for teachers unless we come across somebody who really has deserved a special thank
you...it really shouldn’t be expected it should be earned? Or am I BU?

Yanbu.

Just wanted to mention that it's not usually teachers asking for gifts - and if they did want something, I'm sure a simple card would suffice.

The teacher was unreasonable to split the kids up like that.

Teachers don't ask for gifts and tbh lots of them would be happier with a nice card. If the teacher didn't ask for gifts, how can it be 'grabby'? Dividing the kids and keeping the gift-givers behind for extra games was bizarre and insensitive though. Dh and I are both teachers and have never given presents to our own now teenage dc's teachers (with one exception in primary school, who had really gone above and beyond).

To make it clear they were at a catch up session of just an hour long it wasn’t a proper school session and yes she was sent off the field first with a handful of other kids and told me immediately it was because he kept the others behind to say a proper thank you for the gifts so they got extra time playing the game they were all playing.

As I said I don’t think he did it in a spiteful way I just don’t think he’d thought through the implications to the children asked to leave first?

I’m not going to complain about him, I just thought I’d ask about the gift situation as it seems a bit out of control now...I do wish they would have a no gift policy! If I receive gifts at work (which I get often as I set up new suppliers with potentially millions of pounds worth of business!) all of my gifts (bribes) get put into a raffle for all the staff :)

Two of my grandparents were teachers.

So?

That's really terrible that the kids who gave gifts got an extra treat. Shocking in fact.

At our school it's usually more of a competition for the parents to outdo each other on the best gifts. If my dc want to make or write a card for their teacher I will happily help but I'm not into the massive gift hampers and days out....it's very over the top.

All the kids should be treated the same regardless of whether or not their parents are daft enough to stump up for a gift.

I haven't contributed towards a gift this year at my child's junior school - our teacher hasn't been very good and our school has been awful during the lock down. We haven't really heard from the school at all.

However, I'd love to get something for some of the wonderful teacher's at my other child's secondary school, they've been brilliant and really tried to keep the children motivated with live lessons and feedback etc. I think I will probably just have to send them a thank you email for the moment though.

We've never participated in the giving teachers a gift thing. If a teacher has been really good or very helpful and my DCs wanted to I'd get a special card to say thank you. Example one year we wanted to thank the maths teacher so found an appropriate card with formulae on etc but we haven't done gifts.

YANBU OP.
Our class reps have just started the collection for the teachers presents. Suggested donation £15.
Once you donate you get a message from one of the other parents asking for a donation towards the present for the class reps. I was literally 😲
Enough already.

Firstly, I am amazed he can remember who did or didn't bring a present but do you think he did it so that the children who hadn't brought one for whatever reason, weren't made to feel awkward or uncomfortable? Especially if he was going to say thank you and please thank your parents for the lovely gifts.
Personally I think a handmade card from a pupil if they want to send one should suffice.

I’m a teacher and can promise you that the majority of us don’t want expensive gifts - a handwritten message from a child or parent is worth more and these are the gifts I keep.

I don’t think families should feel like they have to buy a teacher a gift, especially those struggling financially. I struggle to believe that a teachers would treat those that did differently to those that did not- seems very unlikely.

I’m a secondary teacher so we never get gifts really, once year a super sweet girl in my tutor made me home made fudge which was lovely, and when I was off after having a heart operation my tutor group wrote me a poem which I loved so much!

Kids often like to see the teacher open their presents. Could it have been that? If so, would you really rather your child sat through him opening other kids presents? He might actually have been trying to spare her feelings.

I have never given gifts to teachers, I don't agree with it, it just turns into a one-upmanship competition for the parents.
My neighbours daughter is a teacher and she gives most of her gifts to friends and family for xmas and birthdays. It was embarrasing one year when a friend opened a present to find a thank you letter to her from the child inside as she hadn't even bothered to re-wrap it.

This teachers actions clearly showed the sort of person he his. I think you should congratulate your daughter on her perception of this teacher.

@noblegiraffe

I find it particularly grabby at the moment

Grabby by who? Whenever this comes up teachers say a card or nice email would be the preferred option.

Exactly.

Playing devil's advocate here, perhaps he thought it would be really unfair/awkward if he opened the gifts in front of those kids who didn't get anything and didn't want to make them feel bad?

Obviously context is everything and it depends on how it was done and what was said, but it might have been done with good intentions, just poorly executed.

Former teacher here. I never expected anything, even a card, for doing my job. Don't feel pressured.

I work in a school and I am very happy not to be given gifts, and I feel awkward about it when they come from families I know are not well off.

Teacher here, and I don't ever expect gifts of any kind from my students. I get an end of year email saying thank you and sometimes a card and that is more than enough.

I will certainly be buying my sons teachers a gift this year.. not least because after a term and a bit of distance learning I now understand maths that I was badly taught at school myself. I watched the videos when DCs werent looking. As ds is only in Year 3 this is somewhat embarrassing!!

However if I couldn't afford it / didn't want to I certainly would not and I would be appalled if my children were negatively singled out as a result of my decision or because I couldn't afford it.

All the restrictions on kids at school, can't get books signed by classmates, can't take anything in from home, etc, but everyone is allowed to give presents to their teachers. No need for covid restrictions there.

If you don't want to buy one, don't. If people want to buy extravagant gifts, it's none of your business. You may see it as a waste of money, I don't. I like buying teachers gifts to say thank you.

You can’t call teachers grabby when they aren’t the people demanding presents!

The best ‘gifts’ I’ve ever had were hand written letters thanking me personally for that year. Not a card, not an email, not chocolates. I cried when I read them and still have both over 20 years later.

I find present receiving quite embarrassing, though am always very grateful.

It wasn’t something that teachers have ‘started’ with their demanding ways though!

I didnt buy gifts when DD was at primary but I always gave them a card to say thank you.

For those that I really appreciated, I wrote a letter to the head and gave them a copy. One teacher was reduced to tears - she had been having self doubt over her ability as a teacher but hearing a parent tell her what a brilliant job she was doing made all the difference.

Another time the head actually phoned me to thank me for writing to her about a teacher.

Hopefully kind words mean more than a quickly thought out gift voucher?

Good god, what happened to a box of chocolates or a bunch of flowers. It makes me laugh, parents competing to buy the best gift. How ridiculous, as it's for someone they don't really know that well. It's always been the same though.
You should only buy a gift, if you want to. And your DD didn't want to. So fair enough.
The teacher wasn't very thoughtful singling out the children who hadn't bought gift.