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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriends sister

90 replies

Laurens96 · 07/07/2020 11:17

Hi ladies,
A bit of background info first. My partners one sister and I dont get along. She went off on one out of no where terrifying my step daughter and then accused my boyfriend of cheating on me trying to get me to meet her to fight all while she was pregnant (baring in mind shes 28).
Her and my boyfriend still have a good relationship despite the fact shes been absolutely vile to the both of us and I've been civil for my partners sake.
I've recently given birth to twins (emergency c section) and decided that when lockdowns over that I want to have the christened.
My boyfriends other sister and i get on really well and i see and speak to her all the time and shes been a massive help with the twins and my stepson while i was recovering from surgery. I've asked the sister I get on with if she'd be godmother to my twins.
The other sister I dont get on with isn't happy about it and tried to start an argument with me over it. She's also whinged to my boyfriend saying it's all my fault and I'm not being fair shes wants to be godparent to the twins and I'm being horrible. My boyfriend told her shes being godmother to my stepson as we are having then christened together but that's not good enough she wants the twins not my stepson.
I have both my boyfriends sister and my boyfriend moaning about it because she's making him feel guilty and it's his favourite sister.
Am I wrong for sticking by my original decision (as it keeps being said I'm wrong) x

OP posts:
Lovebug06 · 07/07/2020 12:15

Don't have her as godparent. Yes she will kick off but she kicks off anyway, and she will kick off everytime to get what she wants. Why should someone who is not nice to you be godparent to your child?

Original poster
Laurens96 · 07/07/2020 12:15

I'm the second mother. He has 2 children by the same woman but she sent their son to live with us as her boyfriend didnt like him but she kept their daughter with her.
He used to see his mom once a week bit for the last 6 months he hasnt gone as she hasnt wanted him at all and just sends their daughter down for a longer weekend then we used to have for the kids to spend time together.
I've had him every day since lockdown as I'm on maternity but I've been the one that's raised him for 3 years anyway. If he has any problems he talks to me not his dad. Hes even said that if I leave like his dads last girlfriend did then he wants to live with me and not his dad.
My stepson doesn't even like the sister I dont get on with he said she shouts too much and is angry all the time x

OP posts:
RedOasis · 07/07/2020 12:17

She sounds awful. Point of godparent is to step in and care for child if something happens to parents. Would your husband really want this person being responsible for his kids? YANBU

FelicityPike · 07/07/2020 12:20

Your partner is a piece of shit.

Original poster
Laurens96 · 07/07/2020 12:21

We decided on his other sister together as a joint decision. I told him shes strong and independent. She holds good values that she can teach the kids and shes an amazing role to look up to. I know that if anything happened my kids would safe loved and looked after with her and that she'd guide them down a good path in life and be there to teach them all the life lessons and be there for them if we cant. I've basically told my boyfriend to grow a pair and stop walking on eggshells for a sister that is all about herself and doesn't care about him from the way she's treated him but its falling on deaf ears x

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 07/07/2020 12:21

@RedOasis

She sounds awful. Point of godparent is to step in and care for child if something happens to parents. Would your husband really want this person being responsible for his kids? YANBU
No it isn’t. Point of Godparents is to guide them through their lives and religious upbringing.
KeepingPlain · 07/07/2020 12:21

I'd be telling him that he either sorts her out, or he will have two more children to add to the growing collection of kids he rarely sees or parents. He is a bloody terrible father and parent. He leaves one child with you that isn't even yours, and helps so little that his one decent sister has to help you out.

He picks, either his sister or you. Not both. And if he's stupid enough to pick his sister, leave the disgraceful shit with some condoms. God knows he needs them before he brings more kids into the world that he isn't going to bother with. She doesn't not become your twins God mother though, pick the sister who is actually decent.

Ellisandra · 07/07/2020 12:22

Again, surprise surprise that it’s you raising your boyfriend’s child, not him. I don’t just mean practically whilst you’re on maternity leave - clearly emotionally too. Poor little thing. Your boyfriend dumps his son’s parenting on you. He doesn’t stick up for his older daughter against his sister’s shit (I read your previous thread) and now he isn’t backing you against her. Honestly? If I were you I’d be making sure I remained in a financial and work position to ditch him.

Wilkiemini · 07/07/2020 12:24

She’s an asshole do not tolerate such childish drama

Freixene · 07/07/2020 12:30

She’s irrelevant, your boyfriend is the problem

MillyDilly · 07/07/2020 12:35

So she wanted to fight you, she’s generally vile to you and yet she’s your boyfriend’s favourite sister? How very bizarre.

MadamBatty · 07/07/2020 12:37

Double up on contraception, don’t for the love oh god have another child with this man.

Mind yourself

HoppingPavlova · 07/07/2020 12:41

I’d tell both your boyfriend and his sister to do one. Why do you put up with this?

Original poster
Laurens96 · 07/07/2020 12:43

I've had to try and answer all the awkward questions for me stepson as it's me he comes to. Hes asked what made his mom hate him to send him away and why she doesn't love him. Hes asked me if I can be his mom cuz I do everything a mom does for him but he doesn't have a mom cuz his mom doesn't want him anymore which made me cry hes only 8 and was made to feel so unloved it was unreal. Hes asked me to adopt him so he gets to stay with me forever cuz he lives me loads bless him.
My dads told my partner I'm more then welcome to go home to my dads cuz I'm exhausted between sorting out the kiddies and my grandad then trying to clean up when I get home aswell.
His sister said sorry to him and all seemed to be forgiven even I tho I swear shes bipolar or something cuz her behaviour isn't normal.
My moms told my boyfriend to sort his sister out or she'll do it for him cuz I haven't got the energy to do it and my moms not happy about it either x

OP posts:
monkeymonkey2010 · 07/07/2020 12:44

My boyfriend said she was lying about the cheating at that shes tried to break up all his relationships
He comes from a dysfunctional family and is still enmeshed in that dynamic to a large extent.

This is his 'favourite' sister who behaves like this? Hmm
He enables her by not having boundaries but feeding her ego - and now needs to be told why she can't be godmother to the twins?!!!!

By getting his son christened 'just because' is repeating the learned dysfunctional dynamic he's got with his family/toxic sister.....that 'i want what they got even though i have no good reason for or earned it.'
Your nice sil has earned the priviledge through genuine caring and love

Ellisandra · 07/07/2020 12:52

You sound lovely OP, you really do. It’s wonderful how much you have done got your boyfriend’s son.
But it shouldn’t have been.
It should have been his dad.
Do you not see that?

Original poster
Laurens96 · 07/07/2020 12:54

The sister I get along with told me a few weeks ago that everyone in the family has always indulged the other sister as if she doesn't get what she wants she stops the family seeing her children that's why their mom doesn't say anything to her either.
The nice sister in law has been a godsend the last 8 weeks. She even came down out of her way just to drive me to the hospital to see the twins as they were in special care and I couldn't get about very well due to having a c section. She told me if I'm ever over tired she doesn't mind having all 3 kids so I can get a couple of hours sleep in as I'm on my own with the 3 of the kids all day but she comes down to help without me asking anyway cuz she said she can imagine how hard it is to try and keep on top of everything at the same time.
I've also been about overly emotional the last few days cuz Thursday it's been a year since I miscarried my baby and she has been my rock and shoulder to cry on whenever I've needed it x

OP posts:
f0stercarer · 07/07/2020 12:57

Your partner needs to grow a pair and step in. He should be telling his sister that he has decided this is what he wants and if his sister has a problem to take it up with him and not you. His sister is clearly being unreasonable and he needs to decide where his prioroties lie. If he insists on backing his sister and putting pressure on you then sadly I fear for your relationship going forward.

WeAllHaveWings · 07/07/2020 13:01

I wouldn't stay in a relationship where my dp allowed a member of his family to treat me like that. He see's she treats you like shit and then feels guilty she isn't going to be god mother instead of just dealing with her. That is dysfunctional.

Honestly you would be better out of it altogether. These things only get worse.

thepeopleversuswork · 07/07/2020 13:02

She sounds unhinged and the whole family sound like a bunch of dysfunctional rednecks to be honest.

Ignore her and her ridiculous demands. But to be honest your anger is focused on the wrong target.

The elephant in the room is your boyfriend who has apparently decided to dump care of all his children on you. The behaviour of the child's biological mother sounds appalling if true but its irrelevant: this is not your lookout and at what point did you sign up to be the child's foster carer? Also you presumably only have his and his family's word for how this situation came about.

I would think very hard about whether you want to remain with a man who treats you as childcare for his kids and his appalling family.

TimeForANewUserNameMethinks · 07/07/2020 13:15

My moms told my boyfriend to sort his sister out or she'll do it for him cuz I haven't got the energy to do it and my moms not happy about it either x

You and your mum both sound lovely OP.

Sad that you are with someone who needs a backbone. Pathetic man who appears to put his "favourite sister's" Hmm feelings above the mother ( and brilliant step mother) of his children

emmathedilemma · 07/07/2020 13:26

Personally I don't think you should use family members as godparents if you don't want to risk a rift of choosing some over others, particularly if they're the type to be bothered by such things. They already have an equal role as auntie. That said, and i think your comment about the family indulging her confirms this, she sounds like a spoilt brat who's used to getting her own way and "I want the twins" sounds like she wants them because they'll make for a cuter photo on her social media. Ignore her and focus on your kids!

TARSCOUT · 07/07/2020 13:31

This is absolutely ridiculous. Kids all over the place. Adults wanting to fight, mums sorting people outs, dads and grandad getting involved. The whole bloody lot of you need to grow up. OP the only choice you need to make is not to let your children grow up in an utterly dysfunctional shambles of a life. Harsh I know but truthfully you seem not to see how much is wrong with all these scenarios. Get out whilst you can.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/07/2020 13:32

"The sister I get along with told me a few weeks ago that everyone in the family has always indulged the other sister as if she doesn't get what she wants she stops the family seeing her children that's why their mom doesn't say anything to her either."

Oh well that makes it much easier. Tell her to fuck off and to take her bastarding brother with her. She will then 'punish' you by not allowing you to see her children - and therefore her. Result Grin!

"My dads told my partner I'm more then welcome to go home to my dads cuz I'm exhausted between sorting out the kiddies and my grandad then trying to clean up when I get home as well"
So your boyfriend thinks all he has to do is go to work, and then not lift a finger when he gets home? Take your dad up on his kind offer, just for a couple of days (at least) to recharge your batteries. You, the twins and your stepson - leave him and go and be with people who will care for you. You are exhausted - and stop thinking "that might make me sound bad for being completely exhausted 24/7" because it really doesn't. Most people would be on their knees by now, coping with all that you cope with. You are entitled to be exhausted! And you are entitled to accept the help offered by your dad.

Your boyfriend's not-batshit sister is a complete star - and an obvious choice for godmother. His batshit sister can go swivel. As can your boyfriend. He is weak and spineless, and frankly not good enough for you. I personally would be putting it straight to him - 'It's me and the children, or your sister. Choose your priority. And if it's her, move out of here and in with her.'

MaybeMaybeNotJ · 07/07/2020 13:38

Do not give in!!
I have so many friends who were forced to change by their partner’s sister and as soon as the christening is over they will make no effort and you will wish you had stuck to the original plan.