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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Newborn night feeding upset

65 replies

JKDcot · 07/07/2020 07:56

Hi

FTM here with a 4 week old. I don’t know what’s “normal” but as I am exclusively breast feeding and my husband is back to work (WFH due to COVID) we’ve split the care giving so I take nights from 11/12pm - 7am. Baby current feeds 12/2/4/6am ish. So every 2 hours. It takes 20 mins plus winding and changing.

I have been sleeping in the spare room as there is no point both of us being awake. However this morning the first thing my husband said when he came in was he has a bad nights sleep and was tired. Are you kidding me? What an insensitive comment? He had 7 hours on his own in a dark room and I’ve been up all night? To be fair he then takes the 7-9am shift so I can rest and does 10-11pm too. But still?

I am really upset and we aren’t speaking now. Am I right to be upset or is it tired / hormones talking?

Considering expressing lots of milk and letting him do a whole night to just get an understanding of how hard it is? Any advice please I am now over tired and in bed in tears

OP posts:
CluelessBaker · 07/07/2020 08:01

I agree it wasn’t the most thoughtful comment in the world but I also think it’s worth remembering that you’re both adjusting to a massive change in your lives and you’re both operating on less sleep than normal and you’re still dealing with pregnancy hormones and the after effects of birth, and all of those things mean that you’re feeling more raw than usual. I don’t think his comment warrants a fight, and I think you will both be happier if you find a way to support each other through this period.

Original poster
JKDcot · 07/07/2020 08:05

I really wanted to say are you kidding? Were you up all night having a crying baby rip off your nipples. No. So shut up and stop complaining. Are all men selfish?

OP posts:
Original poster
JKDcot · 07/07/2020 08:06

@CluelessBaker I know you’re right and I’m probably just over tired. I get he is adjusting too but I feel so upset about it. Nights are really lonely as it is then to wake up with that? All I wanted was a cuddle and a cup of tea

OP posts:
PawPawNoodle · 07/07/2020 08:12

@JKDcot I mean this as sensitively as possible but its not a competition to see who had the worst night. Him having a bad night doesn't mean you had a good one, and he is 'allowed' to complain about things that also affect you.

It was a bad timed comment but I imagine he didn't think you'd take it so personally. Let it go and draw a line under it, ask him to be more mindful of the fact that you're under a lot of pressure and need positivity in the morning.

mistermagpie · 07/07/2020 08:15

I'm with you OP, his comment was insensitive. However, if this is your first baby (and definitely if you plan to have any more...) and my advice would be not to ever start the competitive tiredness thing. I have three children and could have wasted years with my DH moaning about who was more tired!

What I do now is just ask for what I need. So instead of going 'I'm soooooo tired' and waiting for some other response then 'yeah me too', I say 'I'm struggling a bit just now, could you be on baby duty from 7pm til midnight so I can sleep please?'. You will have many years to repay the 'favour', trust me. If he says no (and it's not because he's working or something), then it's time to have a bigger conversation.

This is what works for us and how we've stayed happy together despite having three children in less than five years!

Ilovechinese · 07/07/2020 08:19

Breastfeeding can be tiring especially in the beginning with cluster feeding. Do you do sleep? As if you follow the safe sleep guides that can help you get more sleep

ItsSpittingEverybodyIn · 07/07/2020 08:26

It's the hardest time of your life, with a newborn. Your life is suddenly turned upside down and you have this little person depending on you for everything, it's exhausting and emotional. Try not to be offended with what he said op, men can be thoughtless. Be thankful you are breastfeeding and don't have to actually get up to prepare formula, I hated that with my first. Bf the rest of my dc and loved how much easier it was in the night.

Haz1516 · 07/07/2020 08:27

Very normal with a 4 week old. It will start to get better soon.

And yes, when I was in that position with my newborn then I would have been extremely angry with my DP saying that. But, he probably doesn't realise how insensitive he's being. Start to introduce a bottle of expressed milk at bedtime if you haven't already, your other half can give them that before they go to bed while you get an extra bit of sleep.

Wingingthis · 07/07/2020 08:28

@mistermagpie

I'm with you OP, his comment was insensitive. However, if this is your first baby (and definitely if you plan to have any more...) and my advice would be not to ever start the competitive tiredness thing. I have three children and could have wasted years with my DH moaning about who was more tired!

What I do now is just ask for what I need. So instead of going 'I'm soooooo tired' and waiting for some other response then 'yeah me too', I say 'I'm struggling a bit just now, could you be on baby duty from 7pm til midnight so I can sleep please?'. You will have many years to repay the 'favour', trust me. If he says no (and it's not because he's working or something), then it's time to have a bigger conversation.

This is what works for us and how we've stayed happy together despite having three children in less than five years!

This is the best advice. Be clear (my DH doesn’t seem to get “hints”) and it’ll avoid arguments!
larrythelizard · 07/07/2020 08:28

It's so hard to remain rational with a new baby. You're tired, hormones have gone mental and you're trying to work out your new baby.

We also took the decision there was no point us both being shattered and he moved to the spare room when he went back to work. He often did 8-11pm and then from 5-7am as well.

DH and I managed to repeat 'tiredness is not a competition' to each other for the first 3 months or so...sometime through gritted teeth, sometimes very snappy but it mainly worked.

But yes, you absolutely should leave him to do a night at the weekend!

user1493413286 · 07/07/2020 08:29

My DH has done the same and after a couple of blow ups has wisely stopped making that comment. It’s insensitive but as others have said the who is more tired game/argument never ends well. Try to let it go and get some rest. When you’re sleep deprived arguments can easily erupt .

SqidgeBum · 07/07/2020 08:31

Oh OP I feel for you. I have been there! DH loved to say how tired he was and how 'you can function on less sleep. I cant!' after he had slept for 7 hours and headed off for a day out of the house at work. It's so so tempting to go mad at him. I would recommend calming down, and maybe speaking to him tonight about how you understand you are both tired but how you were upset at his comment. Maybe suggest 'working together' when one of you has been up most of the night make sure you both get sleep at some point. Basically, I found my DH can be talked around by phrases like 'we are in this together, so we need to be a team'. Its infuriating but they just dont get it and wont really ever get it so there is no point arguing about who got more sleep. Just try to get him to take the brunt sometimes so you can sleep.

Irre247 · 07/07/2020 08:37

Your OH was being insensitive and made an ill-judged comment. You are both tired, you are surviving on broken sleep- but that doesn’t make him any less tired just because you are more tired, IYSWIM.

However, I know that you will be a lot more tired than him and you have my utmost sympathy!!

I think you could look at how to make nights easier- I co-sleep and feed lying down so I can doze. I don’t change her every feed unless she poos, which is rare. I don’t always wind her either unless she’s had a really big feed. 2nd baby so I am a lot more relaxed than with my first!

BIWI · 07/07/2020 08:42

He was thoughtless, clearly!

But to be fair to him, he's sleeping in another room and likely doesn't hear the baby waking up. He certainly isn't experiencing what you're going through and will have no idea just how tired you get with not just little sleep but constantly broken sleep.

So you need to to tell him this. Instead of thinking to yourself I really wanted to say are you kidding? then you should have done!

Not speaking is childish. Although I do absolutely understand how you must be feeling!

And as PP have said, please don't get into competitive tiredness. Neither of you will win that particular competition.

I do, though, think that getting him to do one (or two) nights would be a really good idea, to let you catch up with your sleep, as well as giving him some insight into what it's like for you.

Flowers

Congratulations on your baby!

Parmavioletmum · 07/07/2020 08:44

Awww i get you. Bf baby here so nights were on me and then had school runs etc with the older one so catching up on sleep in the day was tough. It was an insensitive comment but me and my oh were similar in that if he had a bad night he'd say similar to you dh, and id end up snapping resentful. In the end we sat down and talked and I just explained I was particularly sensitive atm, exhausted too and I didnt mean he couldn't be tired but could he not mention it when i know youve got far more sleep than me. He understood and really hadn't meant to upset me, it was a passing comment. Talking helps! The early days are really tough op!

Weenurse · 07/07/2020 08:45

DH used to come home at 6pm, I would hand him the baby and I would go to sleep. I took over at 12 midnight so he could sleep overnight.
So he did bath, bottle and bed and I got 6 hours sleep.
As DC slept longer as she got older, that changed, but those first couple of months were hard.

Caspianberg · 07/07/2020 08:47

I wouldn't be happy either. ( 9 week old baby here)

I would want some changes.

  1. whoever has the baby, gets to stay in the main bedroom. If the other wants extra sleep, they move.

  2. both of you go to bed earlier. We are going to bed with baby around 9-9.30pm. I feed him and sometimes he feeds to sleep, otherwise i hand over to dh who rocks him to sleep.

  3. don't change nappy overnight unless baby has pooed. Your dh should be on any nappy duties.

  4. your dh needs to help with resettling baby to sleep if hes unsettled after feeding. then thats 30mins you feeding, and maybe 30 mins him settling. Shared out is easier.

My dh works full time still but with us going to bed at 9pm with baby, and him waking around 6-7am for the day, thats 9-10hrs in bed. Even if baby is awake for 3 hrs of that 6-7hrs is enough sleep for someone to go to work on.

FYI - at 9 weeks, my baby now usually does wake to feed, and goes straight back to sleep after with little additional settling needed, so it should get quicker. He usually also only feeds for 10-15 mins at a time overnight. So as the weeks go on you will find baby wakes a little less often. But the key for me is def still the 9pm bedtime, as such as last night he slept 9.30pm-2.45am before first waking, so I got a good 5hrs without being woken. If I had got to bed at 11/12pm then I wouldnt have had a long stretch.

LividLaughLovely · 07/07/2020 08:47

We just had the same thing at 4am.

I bit my tongue because no good would come of “Are you fucking serious?!”

It’s hard at 4am.

pastabest · 07/07/2020 08:50

To be fair he then takes the 7-9am shift so I can rest and does 10-11pm too

So he does the 1 hour at night that the baby is asleep and the morning slot immediately after the bit where the baby has already been up all night feeding so is relatively happy and settled?

Doesn't sound that fair to me.

Look, breastfeeding in the early weeks is tough. I've done it twice. Yes you need to cut each other some slack as tiredness is an absolute relationship killer, but at the same time it's not on to whinge about being tired when you are otherwise getting a full night sleep and your partner is up every few hours or more.

Why is him not being tired for work more important than you not being more tired whilst keeping a tiny human alive. At weekends there is no excuse for you not to pass the baby to him after you have finished feeding for him to do the rest while you go back to sleep.

For what it's worth though I didn't bother winding DC2 and it was a revelation. They were fine without winding (it's slightly different for bottle fed babies). Also, the nappy changes during the night will start to tail off quite soon. They only need changing if there's poo or they are very wet...

Caspianberg · 07/07/2020 08:50

Also as above, we don't burp baby overnight 99% of the time. Only if he seems unsettled for some reason.
And in the last month he's only been changed overnight maybe 1-2 times when we thought he had pooed but hadn't (9pm -6/7am in same nappy usually)

Lalapurple · 07/07/2020 09:06

I agree don't bother with burping at night. I found feeding lying down and cosleeping made nights a lot easier.

Expressing milk is hard work and I think for most people the effort in doing it would outweigh any rest they got - and you might find baby wants you.

I'd ask your husband to help as much as possible with everything apart from feeding. He is insensitive but probably has no idea how you feel- I couldn't imagine it before going through it myself.

It will get easier.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 07/07/2020 09:36

He was thoughtless. But that's it really. Not worth a massive fight. I'd have said 'did you REALLY just tell someone recovering from birth and being woken up every 2 hours for 20 min how tired YOU are?!' And then asked him to take the baby over lunchtime today or something so you can have a nap. Good luck

Original poster
JKDcot · 07/07/2020 09:48

Thanks everyone. Some good rational tips here. I have had a shower and some food and feel a bit more settled myself. Will just ask for more help when I need it. It’s just nights are so lonely not sure if others felt that. Everything feels harder in the dark

OP posts:
Wingingthis · 07/07/2020 09:53

I have an EBF 11 week old so I am up in the night with you 🥰

DoloresOnTheDottedLine · 07/07/2020 09:59

My DD is two years old now and I still bitterly bring up the time that my DP fell asleep on the sofa for two hours one Saturday morning when I was out of my mind with exhaustion having been up all night, every night, for weeks. He enjoyed that two hour nap at the time but he’s paid for it since. I don’t think there’s a single couple who haven’t had this argument after having a new baby but rest assured, you are definitely more tired than him and we all know it!! Congratulations on to it new baby OP - it’s beyond exhausting but fast forward two years and ours now sleeps for 10 hours in a row, every single night! Now go and have a nap.