Newborn night feeding upset

[JKDcot]

Hi

FTM here with a 4 week old. I don’t know what’s “normal” but as I am exclusively breast feeding and my husband is back to work (WFH due to COVID) we’ve split the care giving so I take nights from 11/12pm - 7am. Baby current feeds 12/2/4/6am ish. So every 2 hours. It takes 20 mins plus winding and changing.

I have been sleeping in the spare room as there is no point both of us being awake. However this morning the first thing my husband said when he came in was he has a bad nights sleep and was tired. Are you kidding me? What an insensitive comment? He had 7 hours on his own in a dark room and I’ve been up all night? To be fair he then takes the 7-9am shift so I can rest and does 10-11pm too. But still?

I am really upset and we aren’t speaking now. Am I right to be upset or is it tired / hormones talking?

Considering expressing lots of milk and letting him do a whole night to just get an understanding of how hard it is? Any advice please I am now over tired and in bed in tears

Thank you all for your kind advice xx

I agree the comment is not what you want to hear after a sleepless night with a baby..

Co sleeping isn't for everyone but in my experience it is great when you are breast feeding. I've done it with all my 3 kids and currently have a 7 week old. It's like we are im tune together, no crying or anything just I am aware he is ready to be fed and he latches on and feeds while I doze next him. The nights pass in a blur. I don't do winding and changing in the night. The nappies are designed to last 12 hours and if he hasn't pooed I don't see the need ( although I did do night nappy changes with my first 2). And the winding, yes if he is unsettled but no if he goes straight back to sleep. Often he seemingly sleeps while feeding so no need to disturb.
So, like I say maybe Co sleeping isn't for everyone but it does back the night feeds easier.

I'm with PP;

1- he was insensitive, but if you get into the Tiredness Olympics that way only madness and resentment lies. You are both tired, this is a change for both of you - try to be a team and not to compare.

2 - don't wind, don't change unless baby has pooed or clothing is wet. Learn to do side lying feeding if you haven't already and then you can just latch baby and close your eyes again. Baby will drift back to sleep when they are done and so will you.

A final tip - don't look at the clock when you wake in the night. Thinking "OMG it's only been 2 hours since the last feed, I'm only gonna get 3 hours sleep" never helps. You will make it through the next day. Tiredness is crappy but it won't kill you. Let the night be what it is and resist the temptation to count up or brood on how much sleep you're getting or not.

I remember feeling just the same way about the loneliness of the nights with my first at about 4 weeks. The tips above should help. But if you do need help in the night, don't be a martyr - wake him up and hand him the baby. I was up from 1am to 7am continuously on Christmas morning when my first was 4 weeks old because I didn't think it was "fair" to wake anybody. That was idiotic. Ask for help.

Great advice. I’ll try co sleeping and reducing changes. I use a breast feeding app on my phone so it tracks the time and maybe that’s making me more stressed... Keep tracking how much time before the next feed.

I did apologise to my husband and he said he felt upset I dismissed his bad night and it’s like I don’t care about him. Think we just need some space and to adjust to a new born. Stupid COVID also means it’s just been us two in the house for like 20 weeks. No doubt that Hasn’t helped...

I use a breast feeding app on my phone so it tracks the time and maybe that’s making me more stressed... Keep tracking how much time before the next feed.

If you don't have a strong reason to do that now, ie baby is struggling with weight gain and midwife has asked you to track, I'd drop it, honestly. I did that kind of stuff with my first baby at first too and it did nothing except stress me out. Following the baby's cues and knowing they are peeing etc is much less stressy and ultimately all you need.

@JKDcot

Great advice. I’ll try co sleeping and reducing changes. I use a breast feeding app on my phone so it tracks the time and maybe that’s making me more stressed... Keep tracking how much time before the next feed.

I did apologise to my husband and he said he felt upset I dismissed his bad night and it’s like I don’t care about him. Think we just need some space and to adjust to a new born. Stupid COVID also means it’s just been us two in the house for like 20 weeks. No doubt that Hasn’t helped...

Sorry but that's a bit pathetic of him. I would struggle to keep my calm with him in that situation. It's not about him, his wife has just had a baby and is breastfeeding throughout the night. He should be thanking you for doing all the hard work and letting him get the best nights sleep possible, even if it's not the full nights sleep he is used to.

whinging about getting a bad nights sleep on his own with no baby is pretty insensitive, whinging again because you were a bit dismissive of that is a big ringing bell that he needs to grow up fast.

If he is working from home why isn't he also using his lunch hour to take the baby off you too? I assume it's because he's running round making lunch for you both, bringing you cups of tea and doing a spot of housework while you serenely breastfeed on the sofa? No? Yes?

Yes stop using the app, that way madness lies (and it's a common theme in the 'what batshit things did you do with a newborn' type threads')

Yes the nights are very lonely. brew

I never woke up for a night feed. DS1 and DS2 were next to me in bed (safely) and could access milk whenever they needed it. DH never did a night feed.

If you want to, read up on safe co-sleeping. It means that everyone gets sleep.

Oh gosh I see both sides here tbh. I get it, I really do (I have a 15m old that wakes for a feed every 3hrs still). He was insensitive, and should be taking baby more during the day/evening.

But also, he's trying to concentrate on work when tired. This is your first baby, so try to catch up on sleep in the day during naps. If baby will only nap on a person, them they person can be daddy in a sling. Your sleep will be very broken at the moment, but you don't have to go out to work, or go anywhere (upside of pandemic)? You don't have other children to look after, and you can together cook easy meals. Don't feel you have to do everything in the day, and get rid of notions of night = rest and day = busy. Take the opportunities for rest that you have.

When you return to work, baby becomes more active or you have a second, it's a whole new ball game, but for now, rest when you can. In contrast, your husband gets better night's, but he can't catch up in the day. I'd rather what he has, but both have their positives and negatives.

Oh, and express a bottle so you can get a better block in the evening.

I did apologise to my husband and he said he felt upset I dismissed his bad night and it’s like I don’t care about him.

What did you apologise for? Being upset when he made an insensitive comment? I thought you were very restrained not to have answered him back immediately.

Did he apologise to you for his insensitive comment? Did he acknowledge that you're having worse nights than he is? Does he care?

No idea why you apologised.
Him feigning outrage over being dismissed over his tiredness, that I didn't see how he could have, is ridiculous.
I think these replies have been very accommodating towards him. I'd have just told him to shut up. He's lucky to have you, up all night feeding, he's gonna I'd when teething starts r toddler waking etc.

Good luck.

Definitely ditch the app! I don’t even have a clock on my side of the bed or touch my phone during night feeds. If I do I end up not being able to drop back off.

Hope you have a better night tonight JKDcot

Really, he should be apologising to you.

He needs to be doing some settling/ changing overnight and work out a system to get you more sleep.
A PP posted above that tiredness won't kill you, the problem is it might. Car crash? Not seeing a car when you're crossing a road, both are real risks.

If it’s any comfort I think most new parents go through similar. I remember having a discussion with my NCT group about dads using the ‘T’ word. None of us could understand why they would say it!

Similarly, to this day I don’t understand why my husband told me, after I’d suffered a third degree tear and a vaginal haematoma and had to spend 3 hours in theatre being put back together, that spending the night sitting on the hard chair in the delivery room had made his back sore.

Not sure why your husband told you he felt like you’d dismissed his bad night though. He should be apologising to you for his insensitive comment.

Uh oh. I need help again sorry. I lost it today as I’m so tired and said he needs to phone in sick for work and help me. Just for one night / day. He said I am on maternity leave and it’s my job to care for the baby.

To be fair he does 6-8am and 9pm-11pm shifts but it’s not the same as I am up all night feeding and can hardly sleep the same amount during the day??

I’ve just thrown the towel in and pumped some milk and said fine you do a night shift and see how it is. I know that’s not the right decision and selfish for my baby I’m just so exhausted?? Also now my boobs hurt so much as they aren’t being emptied. Should I just pump tonight a few times or hope to sleep through?

I feel sad I have resorted to this

@JKDcot you sound absolutely exhausted. Sleep deprivation is the cruellest thing. I can understand why his first comment irked you, it would have me too. His second comment would have really upset me.

Having a new baby is a massive adjustment and puts a strain on even the best relationship, and the circumstances at the moment make everything harder. You're right, nights are lonely and endless at times.

Are you able to have an honest talk with him about how utterly exhausted you are and that you need his help? Just putting your feelings out there properly, not in a competitive way. Hopefully a loving partner might begin to understand that it's not about what they think you 'should' be able to do, but about stepping up and caring for someone that's understandably struggling. What are weekends like, is there any respite there, anything to look forward to, any chance to get sleep any other times?

Hold on in there, it does get better

Oh and I forgot to ask, has he ever done a night with you? - pre work? In the early days my DH sometimes used to stay up with me in solidarity. He would do the changes during the night and hand baby to me for the feeds. Sometimes it didn't work at all and turned us both into tired wrecks, but at least it showed me he understood the exhaustion, and loneliness and showed caring.

Oh JKD I've been where you are and it's shit.

But he can't go off sick to look after the baby, and even if he did it only solves the problem for the day.

As humans we aren't supposed to be left on our own with tiny babies and no practical support from other female family members. It's a modern thing where new mothers are just expected to get on with it largely on their own. It's become the mans job to be that supporter but society hasn't quite caught up.

I want to give him a good shake for you but actually that won't solve it and neither will ultimatums. Have you got anywhere you can go for the day, your mums/sisters/friends anyone you trust who will hold the baby and let you sleep? Just so you feel sane enough to have a proper conversation with him? You are on maternity leave not skivvy duty.

I would give the baby a feed before you go to sleep so you are more comfortable. He can do the first wake up after that with the expressed milk or formula which should give you a few hours. Don't feel guilty.

You need to feel human again for a bit. What makes you feel like that? A big glass of wine? Long bath? A brisk walk with music blasting in your ears?

I'd try and pump some more, if they are already sore it will wake you up.

If you're only getting one stretch of 2 hours then even if he does one feed, going 4 hours will really help.

It might be hard for him to take an emergency day and he shouldn't be calling in sick but maybe he could take a couple of wednesdays off or something and look after the baby most of the day so you only have 2 days in a row to get through.

My baby was in the special care unit for a few days after she was born, and the nurses deliberately let me sleep through one of her feeds by giving DD bottle milk instead of me breast-feeding her. I should have been annoyed that they'd made that decision without asking me, but I was actually incredibly grateful.

If specialist nurses can decide to give a baby a bottle every now and then in order to let the Mum sleep... so can you. It's not selfish for your baby - it's really important that you're not exhausted.

Sleep as long as you can overnight, and if your boobs wake you up, pump. I hope you get some rest. And I hope it helps him start to understand.

Thank you so much everyone for your honest and kind comments.
I slept for 6 hours and he took on 2 feeds with expressed milk. I had to pump during the 6 hours as my boobs were so sore.

I’ve been called back in for the 4am feed and found my boy very hungry, in a very dirty nappy and a wet baby grow. My husband looks exhausted.

He’s gone to sleep now and I’ve taken back baby care. My boy seems quite upset and hard to calm down, I feel guilty for leaving him for 7 hours?

I know my husband has to work and can’t call in sick. I just need more support. Due to COVID I haven’t let any family members hold the baby or come int he house and help out. Maybe I should take the risk and let them.

We self isolated for 16 weeks before the baby was born and now the last 4 weeks have been alone again. It’s made it so hard

Also the added stress of my husband not being able to see his friends or go out and be social. It’s just been the 2 of us since February now. Lucky we get on and love each other but added pressure of a new baby and it’s making us argue a lot.

I can’t decide whether to try and sit down and have an honest talk about it or just give each other some space. We’re both so tired at the moment that when we try and talk it comes out wrong and makes it worse

Oh god no, let him get over his huff on his own. He's just had a dude of reality - not a full dose, it sounds like he did the job half arsed and then gave up halfway - but now he has some new information to try and process about how hard it is looking after a baby vs doing a normal full time job and it's probably upset his view of himself as The Hardest Worker and I need My Sleep and all that. Just let that settle with him.

I really feel for you, op. Those first months were so tough, I can’t imagine doing it through Covid times. Sleep deprivation really is torture though, and until people been up all night breastfeeding a tiny one they can’t understand what that’s like - I don’t think you ever really properly sleep those first months, it’s just a light doze on red alert to get up. I was hallucinating by your stage! It will absolutely get easier though.

As for your DH... my DP was great but even he deserved the odd mouthed ‘are you fucking kidding me’ at the back of his head when he complained about lack of sleep. Talk to yours about it when you’re both feeling less tired. Try and sleep any chance you get - even if he takes baby for lunch break.

(It’s also good practice for if/when you go back to work and all the child free younger colleagues complain about how exhausted they are after a fun weekend of partying, and you resist the temptation to a) tell them to sod off or b) punch them in the head.)

I think because he’s working from home he has a false view it’s easy. He pops into the lounge during the day and sees me sat in the sofa with baby asleep on me. He thinks in just sitting around watching telly.
I don’t think he realises it took 30 mins to feed baby from bleeding nipples, another 30 mins to burp, change and settle baby. And that I am only on the sofa holding the baby because if I put him down he cries so hard.

I don’t have time then to do the house work and he thinks he’s at work all day and I’ve been sat around doing nothing