Newborn night feeding upset

[JKDcot]

Hi

FTM here with a 4 week old. I don’t know what’s “normal” but as I am exclusively breast feeding and my husband is back to work (WFH due to COVID) we’ve split the care giving so I take nights from 11/12pm - 7am. Baby current feeds 12/2/4/6am ish. So every 2 hours. It takes 20 mins plus winding and changing.

I have been sleeping in the spare room as there is no point both of us being awake. However this morning the first thing my husband said when he came in was he has a bad nights sleep and was tired. Are you kidding me? What an insensitive comment? He had 7 hours on his own in a dark room and I’ve been up all night? To be fair he then takes the 7-9am shift so I can rest and does 10-11pm too. But still?

I am really upset and we aren’t speaking now. Am I right to be upset or is it tired / hormones talking?

Considering expressing lots of milk and letting him do a whole night to just get an understanding of how hard it is? Any advice please I am now over tired and in bed in tears

Maybe he has an idea what's involved now.
If be furious that baby was dirty and wet. That's disgusting.
Whether he thought it was unreasonable or not having to do one night out of all.the times you do it he should have done a proper job.
One night missed sleep won't kill him.
I'd have a chat yes. While he's fresh from the night of no sleep.

He should make things easier for you at least.
Make a lunch for you while he does his own lunch. Let you have a break when he gets in from work.

Ridiculous

Just remembered he's working from home
So no commute to do.
Yea sitting with a baby all day looks very easy but it's draining.
I.had this conversation as mine hated their beds through the day and preferred me. They were wanting sleep every 45 mins so I was wrecked, not eating properly etc

What a man he is

OP I have an EBF 9 week old and had this exact argument a few weeks ago! I had to post to tell you just HOW much better things got around week 6/7. Having been on the exact schedule you describe previously baby suddenly started sleeping 4/5 hour stretches in the first part of the night, followed by another 2.5/3 hour stretch. He’s even done one 7 hour stretch. I really, really hope things go the same way for you. From what I understand they should, and the longer stretches are explained by baby’s stomach growing and being able to hold more food.

Also I had the same app and I think it was driving me crazy. How is it actually benefitting you? I’d delete it.

My other sleep tips (I know you didn’t ask but just in case) are don’t let baby sleep longer then a two hour stretch during the day - this is supposed to help them sort out any day/night confusion - and try to get baby to take frequent naps during the day. They shouldn’t be awake longer than 1.5 Hours at a stretch at that age. I found this video helpful - m.youtube.com/watch?v=behqoVr8WoY&feature=youtu.be

I also recommend getting DH to do an expressed bottle at night - we started this at 2 weeks - and at the weekends combining this with him doing a night where he only brings baby in to eat and then takes them away again, meaning you can go straight back to sleep and also aren’t disturbed by baby being noisy (mine is a tiny little warthog) when not actually eating.

Sorry for all the unsolicited advice, just I was exactly where you are a few weeks ago so thought it might help! Really hope things improve for you soon.

@blackfriars thank you so much for your advice. Really amazing to hear how you handled it

You aren’t a bad mum. You need sleep too.

Have a chat when he gets up. The baby being in a dirty nappy and wet clothes isn’t ok. He needs to know that. He’s sampled half of your usual night. It’s bloody hard.

Your nipples shouldn’t be bleeding. Call your midwife and ask for help. You’ll need a tongue tie check and help with latch and positioning. For the moment try cycling between cradling, rugby ball, koala and side sleeping feeding positions so you’re at least not hitting the same bit of your nipple every feed. You should also have a feeding support group locally - many are doing support by video call or similar.

It gets easier around six weeks and then again at a few months old. I promise you won’t always feel like this. In the meantime try and get some fresh air every day. Walk with baby in a sling or the pram. Sit on your doorstep with a cuppa. Whatever you can do. Just being outside for a few minutes helps.

find something for you. Make it none negotiable. Around the six week point I went back to dog class. It’s an hour class and about two hours out of the house all together. The first month it was so stressful that I nearly quit. DH struggled alone with the baby. I struggled to not tell him off when he got it wrong. I always came home to a hungry, hysterical baby despite having plenty of expressed milk in the fridge. But now it’s their time. I do the last feed just before I leave and they have a lovely evening playing, video calling the grandparents, splashing in the bath, etc. Mostly I come home to a sleeping baby. It’s taken time but it works.

Just wanted to echo lots of the sensible advice you've had already @JKDcot. It's a really really hard phase with newborns and doing it through covid for the first time must be hugely hugely challenging. Husband and I had lots of rows like this with DC1. DC2 is now 4 weeks old and this time round has been so much easier.

I honestly think so much of it is because we communicate better now. I'm quicker to ask for help and DH will respond to that. Agree with a PP that if you're asking for help and DH isn't stepping up then that's a separate conversation (and probably best saved for once you've had a bit more rest).

It also helped me to see it as a problem for the whole family if any of us are exhausted. It is bloody annoying if your husband is complaining about being knackered when you're literally just about coping. And he probably now has a slightly better sense of how exhausted you are! Particularly in covid tho for us it's about how to we make sure nobody is about to break rather than who's feeling tired (because we're all feeling tired because that's newborn life). And that's something both adults have to take responsibility for.

I hope its not hugely patronising to also send solidarity and congratulations - raising a newborn is exhausting, especially if you're also both getting used to the idea of being parents and how that might shift your relationship. It does start getting better soon and you're doing an ace job.

Please also try not to worry about getting some time for a sleep to yourself! Baby will be fine and was being looked after, sounds like your DH has more of an idea of how difficult the night shift is, and most important you've had a bit more of a chunk of sleep to help get you through.

Sorry this is rambling - I could have written this post myself three years ago and it got quite dark for me and DH at times. It will get better and easier!

As you’re breastfeeding this doesn’t help but my husband and I did shifts.

I went to bed at 7pm same time as baby and he was on duty until 1am then I took over until he got up at 8amish (he doesn’t start work until 10am) but of course as we were bottle feeding he could feed.

Thank you @MrsMaglev everyone has been so kind and made me feel so less alone in this.
We’re both capable adults and usually don’t argue so it’s been really lonely and painful to feel upset. Especially when you can’t see anyone else for a hug.

I think if we weren’t first timers or it wasn’t COVID we’d be much better.

Thanks so much everyone for your kindness

You say he’s working from home, do you have a sling or a carrier he can wear so baby can sleep on him and you can go for a nap?

Well done.

If you could tell DH was exhausted after 6 hours, could he not tell you've been exhausted after 4 weeks?! Of course he can, and he's just ignoring it because he doesn't want to take any of your load on himself. Get angry, OP.

You didn't leave DS for 7 hours - the other parent was looking after him. DS was a bit upset because he wanted you. But he needs to learn to accept DH instead. They both survived. (Although DH needs to be clear it's not acceptable to leave DS in a dirty nappy.)

The next step is to do it again! Don't back off now and think that's enough. It's barely the start. I would suggest he does the overnights every Friday and Saturday nights (because he doesn't need to work the next day). Alternatively, space them out a bit and he does (e.g.) Thursdays and Saturdays. If you got a good sleep two nights a week, that might be the little bit of help you need to make this sustainable.

DS needs to become comfortable with DH, and DH needs the practice. And you need the sleep.

I think because he’s working from home he has a false view it’s easy. He pops into the lounge during the day and sees me sat in the sofa with baby asleep on me. He thinks in just sitting around watching telly.

How would you feel about expressing enough for a day and going out one weekend by yourself (preferable after he's just done the overnight)? If it's so easy, I'm sure DH won't mind looking after DS for a day by himself....

Until he does it, he won't know. I had no idea how hard it was to look after a baby until I had to do it. Let him discover it for himself. It's really important that he understands.

I'm really torn here. On one hand, I don't want to make you feel worse but on the other hand, I'm worried that you are being given an overly optimistic picture of how sleep improves, which whilst gives you (much needed) hope, might not help much in the long term if baby doesn't turn into a magical sleeper.

What I mean by that is that some babies do longer stretches after 6w. Some take a few months. Most take a lot longer the reason I'm saying that is because that makes it (or should at least)a family problem, not just yours. Pretty common is that baby does longer stretches until the 4m sleep regression hits, and from there it swings wildly from good to terrible.

What you don't want is to hit 6m, or a year, and you go back to work but baby still isn't sleeping, and it's just become the norm for you to do it all. Or baby will only settle for you, so you continue in that pattern. And then you'll be even more knackered as you'll be working as well.

You do get better at the sleep deprivation after a while (15m old awake every hour from midnight to 5am, I'm working today) but the sooner as a couple you come up with strategies to ensure you are not both exhausted, the better it will be longer term.

I'm mostly not half dead today because my husband took the baby wakes from 5am until 10am (after being up with our 3 year old first...) so I could sleep.

Ie you've got some choices basically.

You could wait and hope that sleep will improve soon. It probably will (though maybe not for good...) And let that hope carry you through.

You and your husband plan for how you can shoehorn in some extra rest, or how he can take shifts, or modify his working hours (probably easier given wfh), or have sleeping baby in a sling, so as to maximise sleep. And if baby does start to do longer stretches as well then HAPPY DAYS, but regardless, you should get more sleep and you have a plan and start a precedent of you both being involved, to get you through the next few months or years.

Oh, and just to emphasise, if baby will only sleep for naps being held, husband does some of this, in a sling if needed, whilst working. If baby will go in a Moses, then nap yourself.

@JKDcot how are things?

Hope you are getting a lie in and some time to yourself today

I stayed mainly on the sofa in the first few weeks as I found it easier after a csection and id just watch a box set at 3am during a cluster feed. One morning when my baby was about 2 weeks old an after a pretty hideous night, my partner came into us about 9am and declared he felt grumpy and groggy as he had “slept TOO long”... luckily we laugh about it now, but at the time I could have strangled him with a vomit stained muslin!

Yes it was insensitive.

No it's not a competition but if it was, you had less sleep, you are MORE tired, so that's a useless thing to say.

My DH said that to me after a particularly bad night and I exploded. Whilst I acknowledge he may have been tired he agreed not to say that to me any more whilst I was up all night BF.